Recovery August recovery thread

[somnilicious]

I made the mistake of reading the news today. Why am I getting clean? Pretty sure none of this is going to be around in a decade

Lol.... I know exactly what you mean. I have been saying for I while that it was nice that I started getting sober just in time for the apocalypse. Don't fret man.... Just focus on what you can control and ignore the rest. I think knowing what is going on in the world is important but sometimes you just have to tune it out and focus on whats right in front of you. Especially in early recovery, It's takes all the energy, focus and brain power we have just to perform the simple daily task that are required of us.

I have been having that feeling for the last 3yrs of trying to get clean. If you start to let it become daunting than it will fuck you up and you'll get a case of the fuck its. Believe me I know..... "What's the point"??..... right... but there's always going to be conflict and drama in the world. That's just a fact of life.

 

[Hylight]

i'm just going to try xanax for the next
three days. need to.
everytime i start to feel good again
i mess up a little. ( my opioid)
oh and lot's and lot's of red bull.
it's s till a long long taper.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

hey everyone. It gives me a real comfort just reading through these recovery threads, knowing others are fighting the good fight. I'm on day 4 and depression has been plaguing me real bad. I'm dreading going back to work since all my shifts when I've come off drugs are either all great or I feel slow, sad & depressed, avoid talking to anyone and hate myself. Does anyone else feel like they don't click properly with regular people?? It's like I can only really relate to other addicts, or people with mental health problems. I try to talk to normal people and though sometimes it goes well, often times I just find myself at a loss and can't connect with them. I really need to forgive myself when I'm not feeling extroverted - I can have one bad day where I'm feeling more reserved and mentally foggy and I let it develop into this downward spiral of self-hatred, my inner monologue just becomes a voice harshly criticizing me for everything I'm doing as I'm doing it, and it fucking sucks. why do I keep doing this to myself?

I've been severely depressed recently. I was very close to killing myself a few days ago but drugs really do work sometimes. Miracles happen. I didn't use opiates/heroin and will never again, would rather die before going through addiction again. I avoid talking to others and hate myself as well.

I can connect with other people if I want to. I normally don't want to. I rarely find people on my 'wavelength' I posted in SLR about this. It's exceedingly rare and even when I do I don't know what I get out of it, or why I even want to love again.

Like literally Rio I can't explain it for myself so it's a mystery for me. I wish I had better words to share. You're not alone.

There's plenty of criticism out there already man just learn to let the inner voice think about the outside world or other things. Having a rich inner world helps. But I still self-hate quite a bit. I tend not to have a negative dialogue about myself and what not anymore. I try to remain objective/neutral.

Small talk seems empty and pointless to me. Getting into deep conversations normally just further alienates me from other people. Being a good listener and letting the other person talk is always a plus? I really couldn't advise further and I wish I had deeper insight on stuff like this.

i'm just going to try xanax for the next
three days. need to.
everytime i start to feel good again
i mess up a little. ( my opioid)
oh and lot's and lot's of red bull.
it's s till a long long taper.

Stay strong!

I'll be rooting for you!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I can so relate. You said it all when you said you just have to forgive yourself. Just take it slow and easy and know that you aren't going to be the bright shinning you with all your cylinders firing. You don't have to be. Just know that you will heal in time. It is going to take a lot of time for your brain to adjust. I am in the exact same position as you. I have fucked up 3x's in the last week and a half. I used dope today and I will have to suffer the "bends" as well. It's nothing we can control. We just have to accept it and take it easy and forgive ourselves. Fake it till we make it and treat ourselves at the end of the day.

I have been enjoying meditating outside, after working out. Then I go and play the guitar and read something inspirational. I enjoy good self help books, particularly ones that focus on Buddhist philosophy. Do whatever comforts and relaxes you. I have had to start doing the NA thing. I simply take comfort from being around others in the struggle and inspiration from those who are racking up significant time. Take what is good for you and discard the rest. Don't try to swallow the program, wholesale but don't dismiss it simply because there is a part you don't like. I have to get a sponsor and a network because if I don't have that ear, support and guidance my addicted brain will get the best of me. I am going to definitely make that effort at my meeting tomorrow.

I haven't taken any kratom but that means fuck all if I keep using dope.... Lol....

I have to have healthy addicts to bounce my thoughts off of because right now my addicted brain is the enemy. It is a malfunctioning program. I look at the NA program and all my other activities in recovery as a reboot. To me it is a process of removing the viruses( kinda part of the 4th-12th step) that drive my addictive behavior and replacing them with new software (don't have to use NA steps to do this). Discard the thoughts that just don't work. It is extremely difficult because our thoughts are attached to emotions that are meant to grab our attention. If you notice thoughts almost seem to bubble up out of nowhere and before we know it we have given attention to a certain thought and are in emotional turmoil as we are following the train of thought our brains have offered up. Mindfulness meditation is helping me disconnect and distance myself from the thoughts and allowing myself to emotionally detach before they grab me. I am getting better at viewing the thoughts objectively and deciding if i want to allow them to float by or if i wish to attach to or entertain them.

I highly suggest trying at least 20 mins meditation a day. It absolutely helps in slowing the thoughts down and science actually proves that it strengthens the pre frontal cortex and weakens the amygdala, which is the primitive emotional center of your brain that is in control and going haywire in us addicts, who are trying to recover.

I offer a challenge that we both get 30 days clean from this point forward.... No matter what..... Check in tomorrow and we can keep each other accountable. We used to have a thing called sober partners and because of our situations I think you and i would fit perfectly. Keep coming back to update. We can keep in touch and try and inspire and help each other. I got love for ya cause your just like me in so many ways. My brother from the little island, where they talk funny and drive on the wrong side of the road...lol..... Talk to ya tomorrow bubb.


.

hahaha, thanks man. I really like what you said about bearing in mind that I'm not going to be firing on all cylinder - if I keep that thought in mind it takes some of the pressure off. Meditation is an excellent suggestion as well - my last decent clean streak I was doing it daily and found it had a giant effect on my outlook & perception, making me feel simultaneously relaxed but energized. It was great and I really need to get back into it. I'm up for your 30 day challenge, we are both in the really early days so we can try and help each other along. It's crazy how you went from posting such a beautiful passage about sobriety to using a day or so later, but I can 100% relate since I've had long sober streaks where I've been posting here everyday and helping other people and talking about how great it is to be sober, and then the next day been scoring and getting high. Hope you're feeling OK today after yesterday!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

thanks as well CH. I'm glad you're still with us and didn't act on your impulse. What do you mean by the drugs work sometimes?

 

[jb99]

even though I am an extremely good looking guy

Rotfl and so humble too

I feel your pain tho, going thru this carless in a rural or even suburban area can be tough.

I'm pretty caught out but at least I have the subway and 1000+ meetings per week, including 20+ in walking distance.

On the other hand, median rent here is literally $4000 per month. I'm guessing it's lower where you are?

I also relate to knowing I ought to get a sponsor but being a bit reluctant. Let's say I'll find one within a month. I am building up a network tho, a few friends from rehabs and also from the meetings in my neighborhood.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Damn, somni. You sound like you've held onto and nurtured your hope, which is fantastic. That's a horrible story about your ex, & I know that you've probably told yourself this and know it cognitively, but it wasn't your fault. We can't save people from themselves. Your situation in regards to your upcoming court case is difficult, but by no means unconquerable. Are you in some kind of official treatment with a drug agency or anything? If you do something like that ahead of time that you can point to to demonstrate that you're trying it can make everything a lot easier. I've found people, on the whole, to be forgiving & understanding as long as you can get them to understand that we are sincerely trying to overcome our affliction, and for some reason our legal system and our society in general view addictions as mitigating circumstances when it comes to mistakes. You can rattle off a list of atrocious things you've done, but with most people if you add that you were an alcoholic/drug addict at the time you're not given the same degree of judgement, IME.

You are correct that all the trials we go through can be turned to our advantage if we can stay the course and put time & distance between our old lives and the life we're trying to create. If we can get out of that vortex of addiction that's dragging us down then I'm sure the fact that we've gone through such trying periods can be a wellspring of strength to draw on when we later on experience the problems of a "normal life". For my part I'm doing OK, or at least as well as can be expected for day 5. I am bouncing from optimism to apathy pretty regularly and I'm very thankful I'm in a position where I literally cannot use due to my financial situation. It's a lot easier to resist when getting money would be a huge hassle, and there's nothing worse than trying to relapse and then failing to get the money. All the guilt and shame of failing to stay sober but without even getting high to compensate. I don't want to risk that situation or give up my sobriety, so I'm pretty unhappy but at least I'm clean and moving forward!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am bouncing from optimism to apathy pretty regularly

I've had some pretty low low's recently, what gets you through the apathy?

[open question to anyone]

 

[jb99]

After all that I have been through I think am allowed to take solace in what I have going for me...

Yeah for sure dude I was just busting your balls, a friendly dig that's all. Didn't mean for you to overthink it. I too clean up pretty well, it's a big contrast between how kracked-out looking I can get when sick and suffering. Tho yah it's a fine line between self-esteem and vanity. As a guy tho I tend towards self-judgement abt my lack of a career, like I need to be a provider more than to look pretty.

It definitely does take a huge psychological and emotional effort to stop running, to turn around and face our issues and recover, and you're right, in early recovery we need to stop beating ourselves up too much. Self-loathing is a useless emotion.

I've had some pretty low low's recently, what gets you through the apathy?

Antidepressants

My 4 y/o

Peer support

Comedy- I like Bill Maher, Ricky Gervais... used to love John Stewart and Colbert. Russel Brand's latest Netflix special is good.

Future prospects extrapolating from past successes I've achieved during periods of abstinence.

That's just a few.

And in the lowest lows all I can do is hold on for dear life and wait for it to pass, with self-care like sleep nutrition social connection and sobriety.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thank you for sharing. I have done most of those things. I don’t want to go back on AD’s and am wrestling with that.

 

[hotfriesmmm]

 

[jb99]

Clearly @calioitdoor needs some psych meds himself

I don't like to stay on meds long term but have no qualms using them shorter term, like a year or so. And I always go on absolute lowest effective dose.

I find moderate caffeine intake to be useful too.

Exercise is another one, but I dont start that until I'm clean a month or 2.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I've had some pretty low low's recently, what gets you through the apathy?

[open question to anyone]

I'm blessed that it only lasts a few days at most, so I just distract myself. I plan out things to do in the days, then spend my free time reading, listening to podcasts and trying not to think about using. it lifts on its own eventaully.

 

[cj]

I decided to not take my mass gabapentine dose this week. Try to let my tolerance fall a little or at least stabilize. Really missing that release though

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's a really amazing choice man. It feels good to have days like that. How are you feeling?

 

[Hylight]

Stay strong!

I'll be rooting for you!

you have so much that is relevant and appropriate and are an awesome support advocate ? however, i dont want to lose you either ❣
it gets even better. you understand, 'you get' like just about everything, and do know everything. or, you know, definitely alot.
okay i'm back now, i think. ?. not !

 

[jb99]

I decided to not take my mass gabapentine dose this week.

Nice job. It's strange, Gabapentine never did much for me, even at 3000mg/day. Maybe because of my alcoholism?

Anyway it's day 4 clean for me, altho according to half life calculator, I still have 3 or 4mg Bupe in my system.

It takes 9 or 10 days for bupe to reach negligible levels, whether dose is 4 or 8 or 16mg.

Edit, it looks like the bupe half life of 36hrs is actually just a median, and in practice it's actually a range, 20-70hrs, which would equate to 6 to 17 days for buprenorphine levels to reach negligable, from an 8-16mg dosage. The equations for this stuff gets pretty complex. And I'm definitely out of my depth here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done cj. hope your exhaustion lifts soon.

i'm beyond exhausted now. i'm officially doing nothing all weekend cos things will be dangerous soon. i have had stuff on every night of this week and somehow managed to have a good week mostly but work has been hard. got a really interesting lead on something that may actually help stop cancer suppressing the immune system today (it probably won't but its nice to have hope) and that felt fucking amazing at the time but now i just want to sleep.

jb i wouldn't worry about not remembering vast amounts of your life. i'm the same i remember so little. cos i've been mates with my best mate for 17 years it becomes obvious. he can't believe i don't remember some things. i know at points during my anorexia and my using i couldn't even remember the sentence i was gonna say by the time i'm half way through. things might flow back for you once you start the steps and if they don't don't worry, you can only speak your truth.

 

[D_K1984]

It's been a rough month. Knee is going out. Had to pay for my MRI as insurance wouldn't cover it. Hell I've had to pay for just about everything myself because our health care system is crap.

I'll find out next week what needs to happen to get this problem fixed.

Mentally I'm about as depressed as I've ever been. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Life isn't meant to be like this. No joy, just emptiness.

 

[Hylight]

took around a 7mg. of opioid to get through a work challenge. have quit for amost two days again. very depressed. thinking of taking some xanax. tired, no energy, depressed. it seems like acute withdrawal for 3 days every time i quit. taper went well but it was the xanax that also helped out.