RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
^ Sounds like my weekend. Alcohol, cocaine, heroin, chain-smoking, strippers, nightclub girls, public sex with my ex, vomiting, money gone, etc...
To be honest, I don't regret it really at all. Well I could have gotten off spending about half the money, and I could have used a condom. But anyway, I needed to get something like that out of my system. I knew that not only was that first beer going to get me drunk, but it would lead to cocaine, heroin, etc... I don't know, I just kinda wanted to do it all. I could liken it to growing my hair. I like to cut my hair and then spend a long time growing it long, over and over. It's about the process of moving through familiar and not-so-familiar stages, trying to learn from your experiences, and not just about having the longest sober streak on the block (at least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night
).
In all honesty, here's how I "relapsed" in my head before I went out and started drinking. One of the reasons I used to drink and use drugs a lot was to be better able to interact with women. When I'm clean/sober, I'm just a very nice, reserved person. Way too "nice" to really end up as anything but a friend to most women. Back in my hayday, I got a lot of female attention because the abuse turned me into a confrontational, outgoing and aggressive person - traits that seem to attract women. Granted, I never liked getting women this way, and in my ideal world I would be able to attract them by my good characteristics, but this is just how it seemed to always work.
So after getting clean/sober, I had made three honest attempts to get to know girls I found myself attracted to. Do it the honest way, build up a friendship base and move slowly into a state where I could make an honest move and see where it led me. Third girl was this girl I was getting to know, had spent nights up talking with her about everything, we really seemed to hit it off. I asked her out on a nice date, she said "yes." I was so excited, up until she canceled it on me, said that she only saw me as a "friend," and went back to her no-good ex. I was sad, depressed, angry and that whole lot of emotions.
Now when I quit heroin, I got my hormones back like I was 14 again. I have always had a high sex drive already, so this hit me like a train, and despite trying to take things slow in recovery and not let women jeoprodise my recovery goals, the hormones were becoming a gigantic distraction. I had been craving female company a lot lately, ideally with one of the girls I had been getting to know. But after the third strike, something in me just kinda snapped and I think I used my desire to be able to get close to a woman again as an excuse for me to hit the bottle. And it worked, err as well as I was able to perform under the influence of opiates (why
). But still it felt pretty hollow, and now I'm kicking myself for relapsing on heroin one hour before I relapsed on sex.
So I'm just trying to pick up where I left off. The hangover SUCKED. Alcohol really is a hard drug. But after a day or two of feeling apathy and a bit scattered, I'm back where I was - eating well, working out, being productive, and so on. Ya, the counter is reset, but I'm not really that worried.
To be honest, I don't regret it really at all. Well I could have gotten off spending about half the money, and I could have used a condom. But anyway, I needed to get something like that out of my system. I knew that not only was that first beer going to get me drunk, but it would lead to cocaine, heroin, etc... I don't know, I just kinda wanted to do it all. I could liken it to growing my hair. I like to cut my hair and then spend a long time growing it long, over and over. It's about the process of moving through familiar and not-so-familiar stages, trying to learn from your experiences, and not just about having the longest sober streak on the block (at least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night

In all honesty, here's how I "relapsed" in my head before I went out and started drinking. One of the reasons I used to drink and use drugs a lot was to be better able to interact with women. When I'm clean/sober, I'm just a very nice, reserved person. Way too "nice" to really end up as anything but a friend to most women. Back in my hayday, I got a lot of female attention because the abuse turned me into a confrontational, outgoing and aggressive person - traits that seem to attract women. Granted, I never liked getting women this way, and in my ideal world I would be able to attract them by my good characteristics, but this is just how it seemed to always work.
So after getting clean/sober, I had made three honest attempts to get to know girls I found myself attracted to. Do it the honest way, build up a friendship base and move slowly into a state where I could make an honest move and see where it led me. Third girl was this girl I was getting to know, had spent nights up talking with her about everything, we really seemed to hit it off. I asked her out on a nice date, she said "yes." I was so excited, up until she canceled it on me, said that she only saw me as a "friend," and went back to her no-good ex. I was sad, depressed, angry and that whole lot of emotions.
Now when I quit heroin, I got my hormones back like I was 14 again. I have always had a high sex drive already, so this hit me like a train, and despite trying to take things slow in recovery and not let women jeoprodise my recovery goals, the hormones were becoming a gigantic distraction. I had been craving female company a lot lately, ideally with one of the girls I had been getting to know. But after the third strike, something in me just kinda snapped and I think I used my desire to be able to get close to a woman again as an excuse for me to hit the bottle. And it worked, err as well as I was able to perform under the influence of opiates (why

So I'm just trying to pick up where I left off. The hangover SUCKED. Alcohol really is a hard drug. But after a day or two of feeling apathy and a bit scattered, I'm back where I was - eating well, working out, being productive, and so on. Ya, the counter is reset, but I'm not really that worried.
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