Hey everyone. Wanted to leave an update while I've got the chance to. I'm still sober, over a month now. I feel a lot more driven and able to stay sober now than I did the last couple of times I tried to abstain. I recently turned down a quick beer promptly when offered. I've now got this cigarette habit that I suppose kinda picked up where booze left off, which isn't the healthiest transition but right now it isn't the worst that could happen.
The other day I had a few Vicodin. Nothing heavy, and mostly it's because my right knee has been in rough shape, but I was still disappointed in myself. I don't remember the last time any kind of buzz has felt worth it even at its peak. But then again, that's not the worst realization to have in your mid-20s. It's just a matter of keeping it in mind when familiar urges sneak up out of no where. So it was a slip-up, no doubt, but now I know better.
harlans - I know what you're feeling, and I know how tight the grip of alcoholism can feel. Feeling helpless under the thumb of something you truly hate. I've resorted to Listerine too. Doesn't go down very easy, and it's never a good feeling afterwards. I'm sure you know by now, that at no point will it feel worthwhile. Yet when it's been a while without a drink, it always seems like after a few drinks or shots, you'll arrive at some satisfaction. However you end up feeling, however alcohol tricks you like it tricks all of us, I can see that you want to find your way out of this and I know you can. I understand that rehab seems out of reach because of the expense, but when I was drinking, I came to realize that my habit actually cost me more money than treatment would have in the long run. Have you stopped taking the Campral? Antabuse seems to have worked its magic pretty well for Sepher, along with his own strength and effort, so maybe you should talk to your doctor about that. I've never tried it, but I'd imagine the resolve all comes down to taking the medication when you need to, and you'll know that there's no room for booze for the rest of the day. That's a load off your mind right there.
motherofearth - I completely agree that alcohol is a hard drug, and one that can easily be as destructive as those that are outlawed. Are you still drinking at the moment? It sounds like you recognize the destruction that alcohol can leave you with, and it's great that you have that kind of insight. Sometimes it's too easy to get lost in the fog and forget that there's a way out. I was also in no physical shape to drink, as I had done a number on my liver and was in the hospital for it in early 2012, and still found myself relapsing throughout the year. It was scary realizing what I was doing to myself, obsessing over it, yet still drinking to actually calm my nerves over it all. It's a fucking vicious cycle. You have the strength to overcome this and you don't deserve to suffer like this drug wants you to. I wish you the best!
