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Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

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Sepher said:
So I gather. Hope you're both ok, things turn out ok. No reply necessary. Dunno if you feel like expanding on the under control thing. Not sure how to read that in the light of recent posts? Again, no explanation necessary, just hope you're ok. <3
Click to expand...
Thanks mate <3
It happened. I relapsed. But you know what? What's done is done, there's no point in feeling bad about it. If I allowed myelf to feel bad, the guilt and disappointment would easily consume me. But then I would probably get drunk again, and I'm not going to let that happen.
I had an extraordinarily stressful week and I reached breaking point. I utilised my oldest and most default coping mechanism, and I got drunk. It's the choice I made in that moment, and now it's done. The most important thing is that I get back on the wagon and keep going with my sobriety.

The scariest part about my relapse is, when I was drunk, it felt like home. It felt like "ahhh, so THIS is what I am supposed to feel like! I feel like ME again"
Dangerous shit...


I hope everyone is well <3
 
Ahh dude. On the verge of tears right now. Can't believe I did that hey :(
But, it's all good.
<3
 
neo, it happens. us humans aren't perfect. there's no need to beat yourself up about it. all you can do is try to be sober for at least one more day the next time. i know that you know nobody here is going to look down at you.

<3 :) <3
 
Don't let the relapse get you down, n3o. It's behind you now. For me, a relapse always could easily turn into a binge if I allowed myself to acquiesce and feel like it's suddenly hopeless. I'd just say "Well, fuck it then" and embark on another few months of drinking, each day realizing that I'm being irrational, as if perpetuating the problem would somehow solve it or tuck it away. With a clear head, I realize that booze and drugs can only come back to bite me in the ass if I let them.

I'm a total of two weeks sober now, at day 15. It's the longest I've been sober since my last real go at sobriety starting back in February until May. I'm still feeling very hung up and kind of nihilistic about the lasting effects of my heavy drinking. I'm finding myself feeling like I'm stupid, when I always was told that I'm an intelligent person. For the first time in my life, I actually think I might be stupid. I don't know if that's because I've always been stupid, or if it's because I've permanently ruined my brain and reduced my IQ with all the drugs and alcohol. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and am thinking about pursuing some kind of treatment for it (other than Adderall because of my history with it). There's just so much shit that I don't know, and so much that I feel unqualified to learn and engage in. It's hard to even keep up with any kind of remotely intellectual discussion, because I seem to get lost in my own irrelevant thoughts. I've found that I draw my own preconceived conclusions about politics and world events without really knowing anything. And in the past when I've tried to learn about important worldly matters, it just doesn't sink in I guess. I'm 24 years old and I guess my brain is pretty much done developing, and this is as good as it gets. I don't want to feel stupid or slow. I guess this is my new thing.

I realize none of that has anything to do with my alcoholism, or perhaps it does in a way. Maybe I've drank so much that whatever intellectual potential I once had has been ruined and pissed away. I mostly feel like I'm full of shit and that there's just so much I don't know and can't seem to bother with. I grew up scoring high on standardized exams measuring intelligence, potential, etc. But maybe that was all bullshit. I feel like I live in this fog now and can't seem to form an intelligent, critical thought or even make a decent judgment call beyond the obvious. I just don't feel qualified and it does almost make me want to give up and drink or use again, but what will that solve? I've been there too many times not to know better. It's what put me in this mess. Everyone around me is accomplishing so much, my siblings, old friends/acquaintances, etc. But I haven't accomplished shit and feel totally incapable of making any use of myself. My brother and sister have accomplished so much, yet I was supposed to be this totally bright person, but I'm not. I've failed at basically everything I've tried. So, sometimes I want to drink and stop thinking whatsoever. I can't stand to be around anybody, and find it hard to contribute anything significant or thoughtful to a conversation. When I try to, it's like I'm full of shit. I can't even seem to make anyone laugh anymore like I used to. I feel like I have no personality anymore. I just walk on egg shells all the time, around carefully chosen words, trying to evade judgment, confrontation, and having to measure up to anything substantial.

I guess a lot of this was off-topic, but it's kind of where I am right now after sobering up and trying to stay away from the bottle. I can't stand being around anybody and I can't stand being around myself.
 
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I have moved on from alcohol...
Just a month ago I was drinking ridiculous amounts daily. I went over 2 months completely wasted 24/7.

That's just how I am. I get easily bored of something, and move on. Alcohol helped me unlock some of my emotions, helped me to feel things that I otherwise can't, but after a while, those emotions I've been trying to unlock and feel went away. No point in abusing alcohol anymore. It's been a little over a week without me being drunk, and I didn't even try. The interest to alcohol intoxication just involuntarily slipped away. Now I'm just bored all the time again, zombie like.
 
^^ So good to hear you're on top of your drinking dude. Make sure you keep yourself occupied, to try and tackle that boredom.


blahman8000 said:
Don't let the relapse get you down, n3o. It's behind you now.
Click to expand...
Thanks mate <3
Unfortunately my relapse is ongoing.
I've been drinking all week.
Honestly I'm not too fussed about it. I could see it coming a mile away. It seemed inevitable, and it happened. It's no big deal. Nothing bad happens when I drink. Well...the worst thing that happens is that I waste time that could be spent doing more constructive things. That's about it.

Anyway, I'll pick up where I left off soon enough.

blahman, congrats on 2+ weeks sober, keep it up man. You're doing really well, even though it might not feel like it all the time. I totally hear you regarding the drowning in your thoughts thing. I would recommend that you seek further assistance with your ADHD diagnosis. It IS all connected, the way you feel, the negative thoughts and emotions lead you to drink. So you should spend the time and energy trying to sort that stuff out, because it will help you so much in the long run.
Good luck mate, take care of yourself <3
 
Whether or not you succeed in sobriety, know that you would never be judged differently in my books <3

N3o, Are you planning to monitor your consumption and/or slow back down??
I guess that It's somewhat expected of the relapse to grow a little..
I would try to tame that relapse..!
If you are happy to step out and adjust to this, then that's okay. I know you will be strong enough not to let it consume you :)
Call me if you ever need to place your thoughts elsewhere :)
 
n3o, I'm sorry to hear that the drinking has continued. I hope you're doing okay. Like I said in my last post, I know how easy it is to find yourself back in the midst of old habits again. We're all rooting for you. Alcohol does take time away from more constructive things, but at the same time, I've found that immersing yourself in constructive things takes away time to drink. Like you told Eyes On The Roll, keeping yourself occupied is key to keeping your mind off the bottle. Lately, just doing my best to move forward productively has been critical in keeping my mind off alcohol. For me, it's when I stagnate that ideas of drinking start to creep in my thoughts.

So lately, I've been doing whatever I can to stay busy. I'm working every morning through the afternoon Monday to Friday now, and honestly guys, it is easily one of the biggest things keeping my mind off drinking and drugs. The negative and obsessive thinking does rear its head still, as you can see from my previous post here, and I still find my ways to worry myself sick about all kinds of things. But in many ways, I'm starting to get better. I feel better overall. After I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, they prescribed me a strong daily dose of thiamine and folic acid, and I think that may a lot to do with the improvement, along with an overall healthier routine. Pretty soon I'll be looking at 3 weeks sober. But I know temptations and cravings will still come and go, and I certainly haven't fought the last of this battle. I haven't gotten myself into any program yet. I just haven't made it a priority. herbavore, you mentioned Rational Recovery, and I've been interested in it for a while. It seems like it's a pretty good alternative when AA just isn't helping. I've had some learning experiences in my brief time in AA, and I doubt I've been to my last meeting, but I do intend to check out some of the RR/AVRT literature on here: https://rational.org and I plan on ordering The Art of AVRT.
 
lol so today I bumped in to my best friend's husband at the bottle shop.....they still think I'm sober....AWKWARRRRD!! :D

He didn't even ask me what I was doing there or why I had several bottles of wine in my arms. In fact he didn't even bat an eyelid about it. It was just business as usual, really.

Honestly?? I think he and my best friend will secretly be glad I'm drinking again, because they will have on of their best drinking buddies back. I know it's been awkward for them for me to be sober.


Anyway, thank you blahman <3
How are you doing mate?? I think of you often, and really hope you're doing well <3
 
I have 61 days sober today....well 62 its 0120 PST. Life is great!!!! Took my 5 year old daughter to kindergartten, getting back into surfing and other things I love.
What has kept me sober is going to AA (and more recently NA more and more- alcohol is a drug after all, and HA.)
I got a sponsor, met with him and got my first step assignment. I've made some good friends in the last couple weeks.

Now towards the end I was drinking heroic amounts of alcohol, pissing blood (hematuria) and all these other symptoms I'd rather not get in too, except for the tremors- I'm
an RN and no amount of benzos would steady my hands enough to start IVs. On my days off I would drink all day and not have any energy or rarely leave the house- only to
go to the bar and the rare times my wife would trust me with my daughter I would bring her with- there was a family section at my local bar. I gained 50 lbs during this 1
year relapse- whats that 22 or 23 kilos? I had a girl tell me at the meeting tonight I look alot better- what I think she ment is that I look healthier- it shows. Coworker said
I look 10 years yonger- my face not as bloated. I played dodge ball after the meeting for over an hour- against guys in their early 20s- feel sore but didn't quit- 60 days ago
was on 25 mg metoprolol BID.

n3o If its fun and working for you don't trip.<3 Guilt, shame, and remorse can be bigger mind killers than the alcohol itself.:\
If it becomes a problem we all got the darkside to come to and hopefully get safe nonjudgemental support. Condemnation and flagelation (well I can think of some instances
were flagelation is ok- SL&R stuff)- is unbluelightish- we have a good community here.

Alcoholism or addiction or whatever you wanna call it, its all the same in my opinion- Is a disease were self diagnosis is not only appropriate but essential. If anyone tries to
tell us we have the disease it is fully within our right to tell them to fuck off (preferably in a loving and gentle manner). We are all different- Red leader, Blahman,
Vanweyden but all share our experience good, bad, whats worked and what hasn't. I think triptnotyzyme stated it eloquently- and I'm paraphrasing his thought- its nice to have a place were we don't judge each other.

Its late and now I'm rambling. 12 step recovery has worked for me. It might not be to everyones liking. One needs to be ready to quit. Here in San Diego were blessed in
that there is all kinds of meetings- lots and lots of young people in recovery, different formats, different times- lots of flexiblity. However, the fact that out of an estimated 2
million recovering alcoholics in AA 1/2 live in the USA makes me think that the program might not translate as well in other countries- your from Aus, right?. Maybe its our
puritanical roots. I don't know the reason for this paradox- maybe its too dogmatic and we seppos are easily programed- just know its worked for me so far- and it takes work to get the full benefits- above and beyond the social shit thats all good.

However its not the only game in town- besides rational recovery there is moderation management- a fellowsip, mostly online devoted to instilling concepts of
moderation. Audrey Kishline, the groups founder ended up having problems after years of practicing moderation but I think others are carrying the tourch.
Anyway, its good to have bluelight. The surreal thing is that none here in recovery has heard about it- heroin is by far the major drug younger people are presenting with followed by alcohol, meth, and coke.- but when I mention bluelight people have blank looks on their face:? It trips me out that people here are oblivious to the great gear drought in Europe.
And there's the fact that people in recovery think I'm outta my mind for still bluelighting when I explain what the site represents (and more importantly the threads I most often post on.);)

But I have a good group of friends and support here- people from several countries and continents.

So anyway, I wish you and everyone else on this thread the best.

Peace and good times, Spun.
 
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Awesome post, jspun. Congrats on 62 days. Great to see that you're doing so well in your sobriety. The life changes that occur when one gets back on the wagon, especially early on, are pretty eye-opening. It's great that AA is working so well for you. I've been to some pretty inspiring AA meetings, and some not so inspiring. I can see the potential and the benefit of the program, though, and have seen remarkable examples of recovery. People having remained sober for decades, still attending and enjoying each meeting, and showing younger folks how it's done. Hard to knock a program that has done so much for so many. For some reason, though, I just haven't really applied the 12 steps to my own life. Maybe for lack of effort, or maybe I'm just not into the spiritual element. I've attended the meetings and shared and listened to others, and that certainly made an impact on me. But I'm thinking Rational Recovery might be more my style. Once I get some more money together I'm going to order a book from their website. Anyway, though, it's great that you're remaining sober and enjoying yourself. Keep it up!


n3ophy7e said:
lol so today I bumped in to my best friend's husband at the bottle shop.....they still think I'm sober....AWKWARRRRD!! :D

He didn't even ask me what I was doing there or why I had several bottles of wine in my arms. In fact he didn't even bat an eyelid about it. It was just business as usual, really.

Honestly?? I think he and my best friend will secretly be glad I'm drinking again, because they will have on of their best drinking buddies back. I know it's been awkward for them for me to be sober.


Anyway, thank you blahman <3
How are you doing mate?? I think of you often, and really hope you're doing well <3
Click to expand...

Hey n3o. I'm doing alright. Occasionally feel myself slipping, maybe subconsciously inching back towards a reintroduction to my old ways, but I'm doing my best to sway things in a better direction. A couple nights ago I found myself so distressed and overcome with cravings that I ended up going to the liquor store and picking up 3 big bottles of high gravity lager. I didn't drink them though. I just waited until I was tired and fell asleep. They're still sitting in my fridge. Some people are capable of moderation and can have a few beers over the weekend after the work week, but I don't know if I'm one of them or if I should even give it a shot. For all my history with drinking and terror over the consequences, and for all the difference it has made after sobering up, I still occasionally find myself weighing my options and considering a drink now and then. Yet just days ago I would've never even occurred to me as possible. I was repulsed by the idea of drinking again and wouldn't have thought twice about it.

I know that feeling of running into old drinking buddies. Nothing is more awkward than for a friend who understood that I was staying sober, to see me at the liquor store. I've had friends see me get sober, see me relapse, etc. It can be weird, but they just kinda ride with it. But I've found that it's not always easy for others to understand the importance of these kinds of decisions when drinking for most other people can just be a casual and social activity. The casual weekend drinker can't easily relate to the idea of drinking becoming an actual all-pervasive lifestyle. But folks on here, at meetings, or people who just generally understand addiction/alcoholism know the stark difference it can be for some people between abstinence and drinking/using. Hell, earlier this week I had a couple Xanax when I was out, and I'm wondering if that's somehow what led me to picking up a few beers the next night. The slope is indeed slippery. But anyway, I hope the drinking hasn't gotten out of control for you. No one here judging you either way, of course. You're still an inspiration and a source of strength in this thread and this site :)
 
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Hey, all. It's been a while since I've posted in this thread, but right now is about as good a time as any...

This time around I'd gotten just under ten months of sobriety before I fucked up and drank on the 24th of August. On the 26th of August, I was arrested for a 3rd-tier, 2nd-offense DUI.

Yes, it can happen that quickly, to all the nay-sayers out there.

Since that day, I have been sober. But my life has been in an irrefutable tailspin. I need your support. I've been struggling with a few dark entities looming on my own spiritual horizon.

First and foremost, I am just completing the process of moving into a house with my girlfriend and her best friend. This is wonderful, as it affords me opportunity to be away from my parents and siblings, to taste a bit of freedom, ironically... but it is not without its upcoming challenges. Both women are wary of my ability to continue to be financially supportive, because one of the penalties for this type of DUI is 18 months without a driver's license - this is a devastating blow to my girlfriend who, despite my 19 days of driving incapacity in June following an unexplained seizure I suffered, drove many miles round trip throughout the work week and weekends to see me and has felt the pangs of distance between us.

The distance is now closed, but the months (and years) ahead look to be very long. She and I both are unsure of where the consequences of my behavior will land us.

I am no longer living in my car, as I was the first few days after my parents disowned me after this event occurred, but my surroundings still feel ubiquitously strange, cold and unforgiving.

Additionally, the loss of my driving privileges means that I will be terminated from my job once the suspension takes effect, unless I quit first. This means the loss of my income and financial livelihood will create more stress in my personal life; I'm just not sure how to deal with it all practically. I just know to practice acceptance of my current situation and reminding myself constantly to not expect anything from anyone in terms of help, empathy, sympathy (which I wouldn't want in the first place), etc.

So I am now working on finding a job within about 3-4 miles of my new residence, one that can be feasibly walked to or biked to - even in the cold winter months ahead.

Another consequence to be faced - prison time. A mandatory minimum of 3 months in prison was not something that was on the relationship radar when my girlfriend and I decided to move in together. She has been a veritable angel about all of this, despite times of understandable anger and incomprehension of how I could have let this happen, but I do think that this will be the biggest obstacle to our long-term happiness. Being that I need to remain sober for ME first and foremost, however, I don't know that I've given prison a fair chance at being brought up in my internal mental dialogue. I think I've been tuning out the terror of it all in order to give the present the opportunity to be dealt with realistically.

My main question - has anyone been in circumstances like those I've described above before? Wherein it felt as though the perfect house of cards you'd spent many months and countless hours constructing simply toppled over in a few short moments, and you're left scrambling to figure out just how in the world to piece enough of the cards back together as quickly as possible so that you'll be able to continue to have a roof over your head when the real shit starts to hit the fan?

This is a scattered version of what happened and what it's like, but I'd love to hear anything just about anyone has to say right now...

Thank you <3

~ Vaya
 
Hey Vaya. Definitely sounds like a hell of a predicament. Glad you're back to staying away from the drink, but unfortunately the consequences have a way of lingering, especially in your case. I was in a situation a couple years ago where I was having seizures from alcohol withdrawal, so I saw a neurologist and he told me that as a medical professional, he is advising that I not drive for at least 6 months (at which point I'd have a check up and see if I'm alright). I sure as hell didn't want to get anyone hurt anyway, and if I had a seizure while driving, I could be in jail for manslaughter. So I stopped driving. I actually haven't begun driving since, because since then my license expired, my car eventually crapped out, etc. So I know how it is to be without work, and looking for a job with no car. Most jobs I find that I'm qualified for, require one to have their own vehicle. Being a bus/on foot man, my options are limited. Let's face it. If we could drive, our job opportunities would at least double. However, I have managed to find work, and you can too. Check in with a local temp agency and see if they could set you up with something. Right now I'm working 35 hours a week Monday through Friday as an office clerk through a nearby temp agency. It's only $8 an hour, but I'm supporting myself. Once this assignment expires, hopefully they'll have another for me and I can continue to work. They don't require a vehicle and I take the bus to work every day. At the same time, I'm checking different job websites for night time work. I'm thinking of even applying at a nearby Wendy's for the dinner shift. These places certainly don't require a car, and even though fast food isn't a glamorous way to make a pay check, it's a pay check just the same. I'm also collecting food stamps, which is an AMAZING help. I've managed use that $200 they put on my EBT card wisely every month and am well fed. So even if you don't find a job with even remotely ideal pay, you'd have one less thing to worry about.

I wish you luck, man. Times like these serve as harsh reminders, but for me, a swift kick in the ass now and then keeps me walking in the right direction.
 
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