Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[bluedom]

If I may be brutally honest with you: if you needed all that before to maintain your sobriety (I'm not saying you did, but I'm saying IF you did), then you probably need that now, or something very close with about the same regimen/plan. I think reclaiming your sobriety is a fine motivation. That's what mine was: I remember all the great times I had when I a kid, a teenager, in all my 20s, where I NEVER drank to get back to a sober frame of mind. But reclaiming it requires work, and that involves (if you want to truly reclaim it) doing what you did before, no?

Beating this addiction on your own is possible but extremely extremely difficult IMO. It's way easier when you have other support IMO.

^^ Ya, before when I had 5 yrs sobriety it started in another hospital stay followed by awesome treatment stay of 6 weeks, then I moved into a sober living for 90 days. I was completely enmeshed in AA for 5 yrs (well, not so enmeshed the last 2 yrs) and the I blew it. For a boy. Planned my relapse actually for our first date. That's when the last 2.5 yrs of hell started. It feels weird. I don't want to do AA again right now. When I do go I HATE how I lost my former sobriety. I know I can only move forward, but I still feel caught up in trying to "reclaim" my old sobriety. That was a different sobriety. A different me. And so it goes...

 

[Sepher]

I feel like I'm not fun or energetic enough without alcohol, so in a sense I like myself better with it. Ultimately, though, alcohol makes me hate the living shit out of myself.

Exactly ^this^. That's my problem too. I'm naturally self-conscious and reserved, and have always used drugs and alcohol to loosen the inhibitions. It's difficult having to get used to socialising without the alcohol crutch and I'm not very good at it. It's also pretty crap when all those around me are getting pissed and I'm still sober. Just not on the same wavelength, but it's something I'm gonna have to learn to deal with.

Anyways, I'm still sober despite 3 or 4 weeks of pure stress trying to sort out a new place to live and packing up the old house. That's over 3 weeks without a drink, the longest I've gone in a very long time. This time next week I'll have started to count in months. Feeling ok really. Think I've finally accepted that I will never be able to drink again, whereas I've previously clung to the vain hope that one day I'll get some control back. Now I've come to that acceptance I'm finding things much easier, and I'm feeling like if I can get through the stress of a move and a relationship break-up and a new start sober I can get through anything. I'm taking a good bit of pride from that, and pride is something I'm usually sorely lacking in. The cravings have subsided greatly and my moods starting to lift somewhat, so all gravy.

 

[bluedom]

Initial sobriety can cause some irritation. I'm not normally prone to getting irritated but I would the first few months I was sober.

Congratulations on 3-4 weeks! That's a great accomplishment... put it behind you and move on. Good luck!

Exactly ^this^. That's my problem too. I'm naturally self-conscious and reserved, and have always used drugs and alcohol to loosen the inhibitions. It's difficult having to get used to socialising without the alcohol crutch and I'm not very good at it. It's also pretty crap when all those around me are getting pissed and I'm still sober. Just not on the same wavelength, but it's something I'm gonna have to learn to deal with.

Anyways, I'm still sober despite 3 or 4 weeks of pure stress trying to sort out a new place to live and packing up the old house. That's over 3 weeks without a drink, the longest I've gone in a very long time. This time next week I'll have started to count in months. Feeling ok really. Think I've finally accepted that I will never be able to drink again, whereas I've previously clung to the vain hope that one day I'll get some control back. Now I've come to that acceptance I'm finding things much easier, and I'm feeling like if I can get through the stress of a move and a relationship break-up and a new start sober I can get through anything. I'm taking a good bit of pride from that, and pride is something I'm usually sorely lacking in. The cravings have subsided greatly and my moods starting to lift somewhat, so all gravy.

 

[blahman8000]

Think I've finally accepted that I will never be able to drink again, whereas I've previously clung to the vain hope that one day I'll get some control back.

I remember on previous (short lived) attempts at sobering up, I'd try to convince myself that someday I'd be able to drink moderately and responsibly. This time, I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm just not a person who is capable of that with alcohol, or any substance. Now I actually don't mind. In fact, maybe it's a good thing to have a solid reason to avoid alcohol altogether. Alcohol hasn't really contributed much good to our lives, if any. It's easy to get down and think about it as, "I'll never be able to drink again." But for me, that now goes along with, "I'll never have another hangover again" and "I'll never black out and make a complete drunken asshole of myself again." "I'll never end up in the hospital for overindulging in drugs or alcohol again." "I'll never waste all my money on poison again."

Knowing I'll never drink again is a relief. Finally it's over. There are temptations sometimes. I'll admit that. But I'm more aware than ever how unworthy alcohol is of taking up my time and ruining my health again. Every urge to drink is now immediately followed by a reminder of how I'll feel afterwards.

 

[SubDude]

Unfortunately social drinking can evolve quickly into not so social drinking for many of us... especially when you find yourself drinking alone in front of the TV watching some 1/2 show like pawn shop or pickings. Mainly because you can't concentrate well enough for a longer quality program with something good and/or important in it. Not to mention no longer being able to read a book and thoroughly enjoy it. Yuk... thank God for CD books to listen to while sober during the day.

I just turned 60 [can't believe I'm still alive] and look back over the last 45 yrs of alcohol/drug abuse and dependence.... and urge all those who are young or middle aged to get your life together so you don't look back with a bunch of regrets and forward to not much good. It's a shame good people and young innocent kids get fatal diseases and suffer and die thru no fault of their own while people like myself live and abuse our bodies and minds. Please BL'ers don't go down this road.... Even if you can get to 4-5pm without drinking, it's really not much different than those who start earlier. If you drink everyday and often alone then there is a BIG problem.

 

[Vaya]

Knowing I'll never drink again is a relief. Finally it's over.

I'm glad you finally feel that relief!

In my experience, attempting to think about abstinence from alcohol forever has been too large a pill to swallow. Oftentimes, when trying to comprehend that length of time without ever drinking or using again, I get overwhelmed. Misery loves company, and feeling overwhelmed usually leaves me with strong and (seemingly) justifiable feelings of self-pity. It's a vicious circle that leads me to think to myself, "Well, fuck it. I'm going to the liquor store." And, despite knowing full well that I'm doing the complete opposite of what is rational, I have discovered myself three-quarters through a fifth of whiskey, trembling and asking myself, "How???"

When I began fresh this time (and, I should mention, to this day) I try to break it up into more manageable chunks of time. For example, I was really, really, really irritated the other day. In fact, I've been having what one might call a pretty awful week. And, on my way home from work - clinging tightly to the resentments I'd developed over the past few weeks - the brilliant thought of getting a drink came into my mind.

And it wasn't fleeting. Sometimes the thoughts are just that - mere thoughts passing by the cosmic voids of consciousness. That day, however, was not one of those days. And, instead of telling myself "No! Don't do it - Think of all you've accomplished! You can never drink again!" I told myself something more along the lines of, "Wait until you get home, and then reassess this drinking business."

Telling myself that I won't drink for the next hour, or the rest of the day, gives me enough time to see the folly of my alcoholic thinking. And, ultimately, may save my life.
That's some shit, innit....
This, however, is the experience of but one alcoholic out there. Your mileage may vary

My love to you all,

~ Vaya

 

[n3ophy7e]

I feel like I'm not fun or energetic enough without alcohol, so in a sense I like myself better with it. Ultimately, though, alcohol makes me hate the living shit out of myself.

I can totally relate to this harlans. That was exactly how I felt about myself and alcohol for YEARS. It was one of the reasons why it took me so long to quit. I felt like I didn't know how to socialise or have any fun without alcohol. I didn't know who I was as a person without alcohol. Little did I know, the sober me is a MUCH more happy and fun person than the alcoholic me :D If only I'd known this years ago.....

Better late than never I suppose


blahman I am so immensely proud of you mate. Not sure if you've ever gone back and read some of your posts in this thread from a couple of months ago but far OUT you have come a long way! You are such an inspiration Keep it up

In my experience, attempting to think about abstinence from alcohol forever has been too large a pill to swallow. Oftentimes, when trying to comprehend that length of time without ever drinking or using again, I get overwhelmed.

Totally agreed mate. I'm still just taking each day as it comes, conquering that one day, feeling good about it, then moving on to the next day, rinse and repeat.


Speaking of which, I've been sober for 26 days and counting
Life is fucking good

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

^good girl

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks love

 

[harlans]

If I may be brutally honest with you: if you needed all that before to maintain your sobriety (I'm not saying you did, but I'm saying IF you did), then you probably need that now, or something very close with about the same regimen/plan. I think reclaiming your sobriety is a fine motivation. That's what mine was: I remember all the great times I had when I a kid, a teenager, in all my 20s, where I NEVER drank to get back to a sober frame of mind. But reclaiming it requires work, and that involves (if you want to truly reclaim it) doing what you did before, no?

Beating this addiction on your own is possible but extremely extremely difficult IMO. It's way easier when you have other support IMO.

I don't think that's brutal, simply factual. I probably need to do MORE than I did last time. I wish there was $$ for treatment, but that expired after the first round (parents). It's so freakin expensive and my ins. doesn't cover in-patient.

So, yes, that does make sense and I already know that (sigh). I just am totally lacking in the "willingness" and "surrender" departments. You, know, all that stuff that actually works. I'm being a lazy twat. I just don't want to go to AA again -or NA -or some hippy bs treatment plan. Just don't want to. So I'm forcing myself to walk a difficult and fine line. I know it and it bothers me, but I'm kind of just going to sit in my miserable shit for a while. I know the risks I'm taking and it's super stupid. BUT I didn't drink last night and I hope I don't tonight. That's how i've gotten the recent string of days anyway

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

I feel like I'm not fun or energetic enough without alcohol, so in a sense I like myself better with it. Ultimately, though, alcohol makes me hate the living shit out of myself.

I'm the same fucking way...I feel like without alcohol, I'm closed-off, lethargic, and generally a pain to be around, which I understand is due to a powerful self-consciousness, but it doesn't change the way I feel most of the time. And at the same time, the drinking makes me hate myself even more than I already do, so it really doesn't do much good.

Ack. I managed maybe 5 days of sobriety, but I fucking couldn't do it. On the bright side, I will hopefully be starting a psych inpatient program next Monday, as long as insurance stuff works out, so I really hope that'll help. But right now I feel like absolute shit, and it's really hard for me to think that'll it'll be any different in the future.

 

[harlans]

Ack. I managed maybe 5 days of sobriety, but I fucking couldn't do it. On the bright side, I will hopefully be starting a psych inpatient program next Monday, as long as insurance stuff works out, so I really hope that'll help. But right now I feel like absolute shit, and it's really hard for me to think that'll it'll be any different in the future.

I understand that feeling as I used to have it. The fact that I've experienced feeling better in the past due to my sobriety is what keeps me going now. It always has taken hospitalization for me to break the drinking cycle so I hope your insurance does pan out

 

[Vaya]

I'm the same fucking way...I feel like without alcohol, I'm closed-off, lethargic, and generally a pain to be around, which I understand is due to a powerful self-consciousness, but it doesn't change the way I feel most of the time. And at the same time, the drinking makes me hate myself even more than I already do, so it really doesn't do much good.

How long have you been drinking? I absolutely agree with those people in my life who have told me that it takes at least as long as you were drinking to really get yourself back. However, I've seen others do it in less time. My point is, you necessarily will feel lethargic, anxious and isolated. It's okay - even wonderful - that we can experience these emotions. Each breeds its own form of fear, and fear is one of our most powerful motivators to take action and do what we must in order to stay alive. 5 days? Be proud. You've at least shown yourself that is possible to live without it - even briefly.
I hope that your inpatient program works out for you. But, remember this - inpatient and IOP programs take you only so far. They provide a safe environment in which your head can sufficiently clear. But once you're out, you will be surrounded by alcohol - as well as the alcoholic disease that makes alcohol akin to an allergy for people like us - and, in the event of those situations, what is one to do? Life after IOP and inpatient will be a constant learning experience, with trials and tribulations. The point is that I hope by then, as was the case with me in inpatient, I didn't feel as utterly hopeless without the chemical in me.

The feeling re-surfaces during moments of anger and stress to this day. But that's natural. What will be of even more value to you is to expose yourself to these emotional conditions, rather than attempting to escape from them with a powerful intoxicant.

Actively seek the treatment you need to stay well, and your life will blossom before you.
I promise.

Much

~ Vaya

 

[Vaya]

Speaking of which, I've been sober for 26 days and counting
Life is fucking good

Love you, n3o. You made some tough decisions over the past few weeks... but look at you now, bathing in the sunlight unobscured by the clouds of ethyl alcohol

I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful person who continues to provide inspiration, even in your darkest hours.

You - and everyone in this thread - deserves a sober and happy life. It's massively encouraging to see many TDS'ers realizing this, coming from both alcohol and opioid addictions.
You deserve this. You deserve to be sober.

All my love

~ J.

P.S. miss chatting with you. Hit me up when it's convenient!

 

[stardust.hero]

Today will be my third night sober from alcohol. The past two nights were awful. I couldn't sleep at all and tossed and turned all night. I get so extra restless this time of night. It is my drinking time. I am entering the danger zone, 10:30pm, the cut off time for when I can start drinking/stores close. A time when I should be cracking a bottle if I expect to finish it a reasonable hour. I like to open a bottle around 9:30 and black out by 12. What a routine right? Tonight is much more difficult to pass up than last. I want to jump in my car and run to the store as quick as I can so that I don't run out of time. It's so difficult to watch the minutes pass by. My time is running out. I am not looking forward to another miserable restless night.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Oh honey, that really sucks you're having trouble sleeping. Can you get your hands on some melatonin?? They should have it at the drug store or a healthfood/supplement store. It REALLY helps get your sleep cycle back on track.
Alternatively, try some chamomile tea before bed, or some valerian root extract (again, you can get it from health stores or the pharmacy).
Keep going love, you're doing really well (even though it might not feel like it at times)


J thank you SO much dude, your words are so inspiring and encouraging. Love you brother

 

[Vaya]

Today will be my third night sober from alcohol.

I am so fucking proud of you
Look in the mirror tonight. Find your eyes, and tell yourself, "I'm worth a better life. I'm worthy of sobriety. I love you."

Changed my life. May you find tranquility, N. Watch n3o's progression through this thread. An inspiring 26 days sober and already rediscovering life as it was, perhaps, meant to be lived
My very best wishes to you!!

Speaking of which, I've been sober for 26 days and counting
Life is fucking good

You've doubled the pleasure I felt when I read these two sentences of yours. You are accomplishing what was, about a month ago, seemingly impossible. You are one of the inspirations within our community, both on the boards and off. Congratulations!!!! I am beside myself to hear that. You're rocking one of the most difficult things a human being can battle. Stay connected.

All my love!!

~ J

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

How long have you been drinking? I absolutely agree with those people in my life who have told me that it takes at least as long as you were drinking to really get yourself back. However, I've seen others do it in less time. My point is, you necessarily will feel lethargic, anxious and isolated. It's okay - even wonderful - that we can experience these emotions. Each breeds its own form of fear, and fear is one of our most powerful motivators to take action and do what we must in order to stay alive. 5 days? Be proud. You've at least shown yourself that is possible to live without it - even briefly.
I hope that your inpatient program works out for you. But, remember this - inpatient and IOP programs take you only so far. They provide a safe environment in which your head can sufficiently clear. But once you're out, you will be surrounded by alcohol - as well as the alcoholic disease that makes alcohol akin to an allergy for people like us - and, in the event of those situations, what is one to do? Life after IOP and inpatient will be a constant learning experience, with trials and tribulations. The point is that I hope by then, as was the case with me in inpatient, I didn't feel as utterly hopeless without the chemical in me.

The feeling re-surfaces during moments of anger and stress to this day. But that's natural. What will be of even more value to you is to expose yourself to these emotional conditions, rather than attempting to escape from them with a powerful intoxicant.

Actively seek the treatment you need to stay well, and your life will blossom before you.
I promise.

Much

~ Vaya

Ugh, I fail at writing - I did mean IOP, not inpatient - my friends have suggested that I may need to go inpatient, but I am not at all ready to try that...but I am totally willing to go for this IOP thing and see how it goes. As for going for 5 days...I mean, the issue is that my emotions are horrifically variable. It's not even when I feel like shit, at least then I feel something. I'm at my most self-destructive when I'm distant and disconnected from everyone, and dissociated from myself. Even if alcohol doesn't make me feel "happy", per se, I at least feel something. It's the dissociation that's the hardest thing to manage since, as my p-doc has often told me, there's meds for anxiety and depression, but dissociative episodes are a bitch to address.

How long have I been drinking? Not terribly long...maybe a few years. I fell into drinking once I tried to quit opiates, but it's not exactly a healthy exchange.

n3o - besides melatonin, have you tried anything that helped with sleep significantly? I gave melatonin a good run, but it did absolutely nothing for me. I've been dosing myself with diphenhydramine for ages now, and while it does help, it's done no lasting good...

 

[n3ophy7e]

I have a few things in my sleep-artillery Melatonin usually works well enough for me these days, I take 5 or 6 tablets though. And I used Badgers Sleep Balm every night too. Occasionally I will have chamomile tea as well.
If I'm feeling anxious or really wound-up I will have a very small dose of xanax, or doxylamine. But I don't tend to need anything like that anymore.

Try a few different things sarcophagus, see what works for you. What else have you tried so far?

 

[blahman8000]

blahman I am so immensely proud of you mate. Not sure if you've ever gone back and read some of your posts in this thread from a couple of months ago but far OUT you have come a long way! You are such an inspiration Keep it up

I was definitely in rough shape back then. Can't say life is perfect now, but I'm definitely doing 100x better than I was when I was drinking. I'm just trying to channel my energy in the right direction. When my mind is in a bad place and I started obsessing over negative things, the urge to drink does cross my mind. I guess I had to go through what I did in order to finally be able to tell myself that drugs and alcohol will inherently make it much worse. Without substances, I'm kind of forced to pursue healthy ways to truly address my problems, instead of blocking them out (thus allowing them to build up and progress). As soon as I pick up a drink, I've thrown all of that away.

I really appreciate your encouragement, n3o. You're one of the main reasons why this thread can be such a comfort to go to. It sounds like you're doing well. I'm happy for you. Keep it up!