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Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

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I understand how Thailand can change you. "sanuk" and all that. I can guarantee to you that you can be just as debaucherous without alcohol.

If your alcohol intake has kept on upping, I would suggest that you do indeed have a problem. The sooner you get out, the better, rather than waiting to hit a bottom where you could lose everything.

Blackouts are another indication of alcoholism. I don't think blackouts necessarily are damaging; they may well be a protective mechanism, but it is an indication of you drinking in a way that bothers you brin.

Why not try being sober for a month, or even 3 months? You'll see your age and face and health improve markedly! Take a picture for before and after if you want to see.

If you stop for a month or more, then you can decide whether you want to stop for longer or restart again.

If stopping for a month sounds bad to you, the you definitely have a problem too. I love a lot of things, say extremely spicy food. I claim that I can the hottest and most spicy food compared to anyone else in the world. AS of now, it has not caused any health problems. But if I started blacking out, etc. and I could say it was correlated to eating hot food, and someone told me to stop for a while, I hope I could. If I couldn't, then I have an addiction problem I think.

Changed said:
I've always liked good beer, starting to get into the intricacies of tastings, etc... when I turned 21. I'm now 25. I don't think I ever had a drinking problem until I became a bartender in October.

It's difficult to not drink when you're given a free drink at the end of every shift, and you get a heavy discount when you aren't working. To make it even harder, I've become great friends with everybody that I work with, and with people that come into the bar on the regular-- I hang out there more than anywhere else.

I don't get drunk everyday, but it is a majority of the week. When I first started drinking, getting drunk was fun. I wasn't angry. Drinking probably fucked up my recent relationship-- I'd say stupid shit that was on my mind but would never say sober. Physically it also caused some problems in the bedroom... :D

Maybe the scariest part is that I "blackout" most times when I drink. It isn't a typically blackout where one passes out stone cold in the street-- I just can't remember 99% of the shit that I did. I imagine this is a sign of damage done to my brain? I've put on a bit of weight since I started working at the bar too, but that could be caused by the heavy lifting when I was a bar-back. I've got a lot of pain in my joints and I fucked up my Achilles tendon when I started working-- I imagine the alcohol is causing inflammation in most of my body? I feel like I've aged a lot in these few months. I know I've gotten dumber...

Since I went to Thailand, I've basically been in 'pleasure-mode' all the time. I ate out everyday there because of the logistics (and cost), and I only recently started buying groceries and cooking for myself back in the States. I started having sex in November and my bank-account is fuller than its ever been. I guess I'm living up to my means, I suppose you could say. Getting drunk and being debaucherous with friends is pretty much all I do.

I wonder whether it is possible to regain the intelligence that I once possessed if I gave up drinking? Can the damage to my brain be fixed? Or what about to my liver and the rest of my body?

Maybe I have a bigger problem than I though...
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bluedom said:
I understand how Thailand can change you. "sanuk" and all that. I can guarantee to you that you can be just as debaucherous without alcohol.

If your alcohol intake has kept on upping, I would suggest that you do indeed have a problem. The sooner you get out, the better, rather than waiting to hit a bottom where you could lose everything.

Blackouts are another indication of alcoholism. I don't think blackouts necessarily are damaging; they may well be a protective mechanism, but it is an indication of you drinking in a way that bothers you brin.

Why not try being sober for a month, or even 3 months? You'll see your age and face and health improve markedly! Take a picture for before and after if you want to see.

If you stop for a month or more, then you can decide whether you want to stop for longer or restart again.

If stopping for a month sounds bad to you, the you definitely have a problem too. I love a lot of things, say extremely spicy food. I claim that I can the hottest and most spicy food compared to anyone else in the world. AS of now, it has not caused any health problems. But if I started blacking out, etc. and I could say it was correlated to eating hot food, and someone told me to stop for a while, I hope I could. If I couldn't, then I have an addiction problem I think.
Click to expand...

I stopped for a week last month and had no problem quitting. I know that is 99% my environment that basically forces me to drink. That being said, there is no reason to drink in such excess. Friday nights are the the only nights I work, and they are typically the busiest shifts and the most 'conducive' to drinking socially while working. I only had 3 beers over the course of the 10 hours shift; I never felt drunk-- I consider that pretty reasonable.

The biggest thing that keeps me positive is knowing what I'm doing with my life-- on February first 2013, when my lease is up, and I've saved $20,000 working this 'job', I'm quitting to travel the world again. :)
 
Good for you and it's done best mostly sober! I've done it both ways. :)

I think your conclusions are right... so you know what you're doing. The environment in a culture like in the US can creep up and take over. I was drinking at airports, on planes, ... and it went downhill from there. If you can easily stop, that is very good. The hard part is to stay stopped in our environment.

Travelling to unique places will help. Thailand IMO is the best country in the world (even with all its current problems). They drink a lot too but you can get away from it also. Have fun bro... where do you plan to travel?


Changed said:
I stopped for a week last month and had no problem quitting. I know that is 99% my environment that basically forces me to drink. That being said, there is no reason to drink in such excess. Friday nights are the the only nights I work, and they are typically the busiest shifts and the most 'conducive' to drinking socially while working. I only had 3 beers over the course of the 10 hours shift; I never felt drunk-- I consider that pretty reasonable.

The biggest thing that keeps me positive is knowing what I'm doing with my life-- on February first 2013, when my lease is up, and I've saved $20,000 working this 'job', I'm quitting to travel the world again. :)
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bluedom said:
Have fun bro... where do you plan to travel?
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Well, I've been throughout Western Europe and Thailand, but haven't seen most of my own country (the US). I plan on hitch-hiking across the United States in the spring of '13, then perhaps setting off for New Zealand to do a couple months of WWOOF'ing. The only problem with going to NZ is that it is so isolated, and I've already been to South East Asia (albeit one or two countries...). Maybe South America is a better long-term plan.

I'll probably posting in here for support as the next year progresses.
 
Changed it is so nice to see you on here again mate! :)
Yes, please come back in to this thread whenever you need any support or advice. I wish you all the best <3
P.S. if you go to New Zealand, why not fly over to Sydney as well? ;)
 
n3ophy7e said:
Changed it is so nice to see you on here again mate! :)
Yes, please come back in to this thread whenever you need any support or advice. I wish you all the best <3
P.S. if you go to New Zealand, why not fly over to Sydney as well? ;)
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Well, when I go to NZ, I most certainly have to visit Australia (to fulfill my 7 continents goal). Perhaps you can show me around Sydney? :)
 
Vaya said:
Apologies for the inadvertent patronization, sir! (It really was not intended.)
I am not an advocate for Alcoholics Anonymous, so unless otherwise stated, I will not be quoting AA-affiliated literature. To do so in this discussion without notice would be akin to me coercing membership out of you (or anyone whom I might be speaking with), which would definitely be no good, and far from ethical!

That having been said, I have discovered a great wealth of truth in that which an old sponsor of mine told me - precisely that piece of advice I now offer to you. It is affiliated with AA only in that it was discussed in the context of a sponsor-sponsee relationship, but is not a part of the literature. The basic premise is that when we admit our full-blown alcoholism or addiction, we cannot help but admit that we lack control over our thoughts and many times, consequently, our behaviors. Our thinking has been distorted such that we are unable, in some cases, to understand how to even begin to approach a possible reconciliation between mind and spirit. We can be taught how this psychic union can come about, but only if we allow our physiology to return to baseline in tandem with the psychological self. Becoming teachable means, very simply, that we return to a state whereby positive solutions can be identified and realistic actions can be taken.

I apologize for the confusing way I presented my idea; I ought to have explained further!
Vaya
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I am appreciative of the time you take to respond to people on here and how you share your kindness and wisdom, that statement just struck a chord with me on a bad day but i should have realised your not the type to be patronising to anyone, i apologise if my reply sounded antagonistic.

i was generally curious whether it was from AA literature or your own statement, it was not a dig at yourself or AA.

My Dad is a sponser for numerous people in GA but uses the AA literature as opposed to GA and he is a very considerate and kind man but he has thsi habit of talking to me in what i refer to as 12 step speak, it infuriates me, my Dad is highly intelligent and caring but it frustrates me none the less, it's my own personal issue, not the fault of my Dad, but people who have a lot of involvement in 12 step programs have a distinct way of atriculating themselves whether they are quoting literature or not

Life is just overwhelming me at the moment, my main aim is to reconcile my relationship (it has nothing to do with my driniking) but at the moment i feel like i am drinking to fix a problem, thats when i know i have a problem

Its not the fequency or how much i am drinking but its the reason i am drinking that bothers me the most
 
Kinda felt like posting in this thread, but I'm not sure what to say.

I missed my AA meeting tonight (or last night, whichever). It didn't even cross my mind until after it was over. I don't know whether or not I'll attend next week. I've been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing from the start. I don't feel like I need it. I don't feel like I need anything to keep me from drinking other than the knowledge and experience of how horrible my life was while I was a drunk. And back then I was living minute to minute, savoring every drop of the stuff like it was medicine. I drank vodka like it was water, and hated everything it was doing to me.

I don't really seem to get physical cravings, despite how far my drinking progressed and how bad things got. Or maybe I do get physical cravings and don't recognize them. The only times I want to drink is when any moderate drinker might resort to alcohol: When I'm stressed, anxious, unhappy, etc. I never really get the urge to drink for the fuck of it anymore. I'd much rather have my health and continue to better myself.

But sometimes I wish that there was a way to drink again without such ill effects. I wish sometimes that, at those times when I feel unhappy or anxious, that I could just get drunk and not wake up having taken several steps backwards and right back at square one. I think one more hangover would push me over the edge; just having to feel that sense of hopelessness and sickness again.

My main struggle with sobriety is not cravings or fear of an impending relapse, so much as it is this new sudden lacking of a crutch of some kind. No alcohol and no drugs. This isn't how I learned to live the past several years. It's so much better now, even when I'm unhappy. But it's such new territory. I don't have the option anymore.

I don't have that false sense of confidence anymore that alcohol would give me. Conversation and humor doesn't seem to come as natural to me anymore. It did when I was drunk. And before I started drinking heavily, it was natural to my personality. Now everything feels contrived. It seems like being a full person requires so much effort, and there used to always be a bottle or pill or powder that would fill that space and let me be me. On the other hand, the more I drank, the more being a complete jackass became natural too. But it seems like even sober, I'm kind of an idiot. Maybe just in a different way.

Well, I guess I just needed to vent somewhere. There is an urge to find something to drink right now, but that's only if I don't think. It's the same urge I'd get if there was a chance in hell that I'd find some painkillers or Xanax around the house. Nothing I can do but wait it out.
 
Vaya is amazing! While alcohol abstinence/moderation has taken a backseat to my other addictions in the last couple years, I pick up on your highly applicable and personable wisdom and cherish it - you certainly make sure you don't take w/o giving back when it comes to this thread! Keep inspiring everyone on here please!
 
Well here i am... Its me folks, I'm back. not even two hours after my kid is gone and im gettin trashy... So much for sobriety all out the fucking window:(
One botle of wine and im off walkabout, dunno how many xanax ive swallowed. Very dissapointed am finish this bottle and go walkabout. Is gonna be another bout of hell but @ least i dont have the money to get what i really want, Its just a recipe for disaster. Feeling so shit ive caved in @ the moment of no responsibity, And am seriously thinking that booze n benzos aint gonna do it for me. Kinda scared, Dont wanna dive into that place where i feel like im worthless waste of space on this physical world...I fear its too late:(
 
S.M.F.G.
"@ the moment of no responsibility"

I am feeling you. A little over a year ago I was doing that. My daughter was 2 then. For me it got really bad. Going through amp w/d and taking off the edge with benzo... my body would literally shut down into sleep. I could not be woken up. So DCFS came and I lost my daughter; she is still with my brother & sis in law. (If things continue going well she will be home full time in September.)

I know that rehab & detox are quick-fixes and the real work happens in the real world, but they definitely are a place to get clean. I wish I had only asked my family - uncomfortable and humbled - "Can you please help with (child). I need to get clean, I'm not functioning, I need to check in." Instead of putting on a face. Behind that face just a mind waiting for the moment to "dose".

Please consider your options. Help is out there. It's not always going to be like this. <3<3
 
I never push my program on another person. But I wanted to share that my experience with AA has provided that network that continues to keep me sober when brief stints at rehabs and counseling/IOP were over and done. They were the single most important factor in making sure that I didn't develop a cocoon during those rehabilitations which, when tested by the harsh elements of reality, was very prone to disintegrating, leaving me defenseless, hopeless and drunk again. 12 hours later, remorse and self-loathing jointed the waltz.

However one achieves it, being able to happily live sober is freakin' exhilarating compared to purchasing daily fixes of liquified, fermented sorrow.
 
Having a really dark day today, shit is feeling very overwhelming. There is nothing that I want more right now than to down a bottle of white wine and just fucking switch off. Luckily I'm at work, and by the time I'm home to cravings will have passed.

I've come too far to turn back now.
 
n3ophy7e said:
I've come too far to turn back now.
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I like that, my friend.
These days are going to happen, and will probably happen fairly often in your early days and weeks (and sometimes months!) of sobriety, Rosie. People might ask, "Well, why get sober in order to feel like shit all the time?!" To me, the answer is very simple and neat: There is a life at the end of those weeks of instability and emotional torrents. Today, I want to continue to feel this way every day so much more than wanting to get drunk when I'm in a shitty place.

Hey, it's a conditioned response. You're gonna feel it. "Vaya feels depressed/discontent/irritable - Drown sorrows with alcohol." First thought, to this day, when I'm in a jam. But I am enough aware right now of the fact that my disease is speaking super eloquently to me, and that's all it is. That I don't really need the drink, even though I'd somehow convinced myself that I did.

You'll get here. And shit, I have a loooong way to go. And had a coupla dark days this week myself. A lot, actually. There's a lot to be said for being in touch with those who can understand - and the vast majority of the world, unfortunately, makes up the second group. So take advantage of this with whom you can discuss this process (such as myself, of course!) in order that you don't drive yourself mad! I'm sure anyone would be willing to listen. It's therapy for me, too, afterall :)

Aside from that, I do hope "things" in general just pick up and stay up! You're doing GREAT. Proud of you.

~ Vaya
 
Since I got clean, I haven't been spending any money on myself other than gas and cigarettes. Breakfast of champions 8)
Recently though I took my sponsor's advice and went out and bought myself something very nice. At first, I thought it was a really frivolous and self-seeking move. After I bought it though, I realized how deeply satisfied I was at having been able to 1.) Earn the money myself, 2.) Save the money over time, and 3.) Plan and implement spending the money on something that will contribute positively to my drug-less life. I have't been able to put all three necessities together in almost 4 years (since the last time I had amassed some clean time). There are certain DJ'ing items I've wanted to buy for years, but could never save more than $100 in my bank account at a time due to the ridiculous amount of shit I was buying (including alcohol... keeping it relevant ;))

So, just thought I'd share that :)
I hope you all are well and rested.
<3
 
Vaya said:
Since I got clean, I haven't been spending any money on myself other than gas and cigarettes. Breakfast of champions 8)
Recently though I took my sponsor's advice and went out and bought myself something very nice. At first, I thought it was a really frivolous and self-seeking move. After I bought it though, I realized how deeply satisfied I was at having been able to 1.) Earn the money myself, 2.) Save the money over time, and 3.) Plan and implement spending the money on something that will contribute positively to my drug-less life. I have't been able to put all three necessities together in almost 4 years (since the last time I had amassed some clean time). There are certain DJ'ing items I've wanted to buy for years, but could never save more than $100 in my bank account at a time due to the ridiculous amount of shit I was buying (including alcohol... keeping it relevant ;))

So, just thought I'd share that :)
I hope you all are well and rested.
<3
Click to expand...

Right on! I've been toying with the idea of rewarding my first week free of hard drugs w/ a Lego set, something utterly frivolous. I haven't opened a new Lego set in probably at least 16 years, however, I think it'll evoke a simpler time when reward systems had some real viability in my life, so Legos it is! I still have to decide if I want medieval, pirate, or Star Wars.... oh, and I also need to accomplish the relatively simple goal of getting to 7 days clean - no sweat! Erm.... uuuh....
 
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