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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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I hurrrt. I am going to empty out half of a gabapentin capsule and take it. And then I am going to try to research info on 50mg gabapentin for more insight.

BUT this time if it makes me ill again I am going to flush them down the toilet. Well in my mind anyway.

So maybe I will just take the whole 100mg's and then take one more at 50 the next dose.

Then quit forever unless there is an emergency to one.

The weather gets so cold here and I am stiff and my legs hurt.

I am in pain so I am going to see if I take it easy with gabapentin if it can help the pain get better now. I just want to do nothinng. Nothing.
 
cowboycurtis said:
Merry Christmas peeps! And load your guns cuz there’s a war on it apparently. I saw it on a bumper sticker I think.

Anyway made it to day 4. Cravings aren’t nearly as bad as they were. My buddy actually just came by so I won’t be spending Christmas entirely alone. Just wanna give his family some space what with the kids and all.

Thanks @Rio Fantastic
That really motivates me to continue going with this. It’s like in the back of your mind you hope someone doesn’t say something or give a suggestion that will keep you from getting high, but there’s no bullshitting another junkie.
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Congratulations on day 4. The worst is almost behind you. Are you physically withdrawing? I'm glad you didn't have to spend Christmas alone!

I had a really nice Christmas day, but now that it's all out the way I'm thinking back to last year, where I also spent Christmas, NYE and my birthday on the 28th Jan sober, and then a week afterwards had managed to fuck it all up again. I realize in retrospect that once I get about a month in I get complacent & start to think that I can prioritize over things over sobriety - whether that be general health, relationships, work, whatever - my recovery - my meetings, introspection, connection with recovery communities like this one - starts to take 2nd place. I need to make sure that does NOT happen again this time!
 
Rio Fantastic said:
@Hylight How are you today? How was your Christmas? You seem to be permanently ill/in pain/debilitated in some way. Do you have some kind of chronic illness?
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i don't know. my back was stiff. its really cold now and had bad leg cramps too.

my wrist is swollen again too. first they put a cast on it for a month to heal the tendonitis. Last time over a month ago when I went again to the bone and joint specialist they said it is probably a ganglion cyst.

I then missed the follow up appt. back in december because i was all tired and depressed and an emergency alert was announced to stay in because of the WU flu.

But now they cancelled the stay in order again for december. wtf.

I just have to find out where the pain management went after being run out of the community. nope can't even make stuff up like this at all.
 
Hylight said:
i don't know. my back was stiff. its really cold now and had bad leg cramps too.

my wrist is swollen again too. first they put a cast on it for a month to heal the tendonitis. Last time over a month ago when I went again to the bone and joint specialist they said it is probably a ganglion cyst.

I then missed the follow up appt. back in december because i was all tired and depressed and an emergency alert was announced to stay in because of the WU flu.

But now they cancelled the stay in order again for december. wtf.

I just have to find out where the pain management went after being run out of the community. nope can't even make stuff up like this at all.
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"Wu flu"!? You mean "Covid-19?" What a stupid name, as if it's the fault of the Chinese people that a pandemic happened to start in that country. Since the highest cases BY FAR are currently in the USA, shouldn't we now be calling it New York Flu?

Anyway, you should focus on getting medical treatment. You seem to be in a permanent state of pain and misery so it's no wonder you keep taking different drugs every day to cope with it. I can't see how you can make any progress in sobriety while your body is falling apart.
 
the lab it was probably made in WAS in china. And it started there. And was probably owned by the U.S. or in cahoots with it. AND FURTHERMORE I WISH I WAS DEAD FROM IT SO IT WOULD BE DOING ME A FAVOR. SO THERE YOU FUCKING GO. I HATE LIFE AND MY PAIN. and it IS useless trying to bitch here forever. In the long run IT WILL NEVER HELP.
except to cry over diarrhea FOREVER. Sure.
 
Day 5. Happy Kwanza everybody! Hope everyone had a good Christmas yesterday. Mine turned out better than expected so I’m focusing on being more mindful with respect to gratitude.

@Rio Fantastic
No I am not withdrawing physically. I have a fair amount of Suboxone stashed away. Honestly it’s part of what’s fueled these lapses. Without it I’d never be able to pull off being sick all those times, but I also might not have done it in the first place either.
 
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Anyone know of any pill that can stop the teary runynose when in opium wd the pregabs have totally controlled the anxiety the lope the shits but the eyes watering and runnynose still there is there something i can use to stop that
 
Antihistamines maybe? Cold medicine?
I always hated the runny nose and watery eyes too. And the yawning...
At least the worst of it is being controlled by your other meds.
 
I am jonesing so fucking hard right now. Why do I keep torturing myself? Really trying to be mindful of these cravings, but shit, I can’t even sit still right now. I have the same butterflies in my stomach now thinking about a speedball as I did when I had my first kiss. Fucking mental.
 
cowboycurtis said:
I am jonesing so fucking hard right now. Why do I keep torturing myself? Really trying to be mindful of these cravings, but shit, I can’t even sit still right now. I have the same butterflies in my stomach now thinking about a speedball as I did when I had my first kiss. Fucking mental.
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Its your mind fucking with you bruv but your legs and hands will take you to get some gear. Go for a walk knock one out whatever to change your thoughts say fuck you to your brain cravings pass
 
Hylight said:
the lab it was probably made in WAS in china. And it started there. And was probably owned by the U.S. or in cahoots with it. AND FURTHERMORE I WISH I WAS DEAD FROM IT SO IT WOULD BE DOING ME A FAVOR. SO THERE YOU FUCKING GO. I HATE LIFE AND MY PAIN. and it IS useless trying to bitch here forever. In the long run IT WILL NEVER HELP.
except to cry over diarrhea FOREVER. Sure.
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yeah fuck science am i right?! yeah china cooked up the virus, probably trump is the only one trying to stop it. maybe thats why biden stole the election. MAGA 2020 right?! to treat all your illnesses, why even bother going to a doctor? they will probably just lie to you. Maybe you'd have more luck with a voodoo doctor.
 
yubacity said:
Anyone know of any pill that can stop the teary runynose when in opium wd the pregabs have totally controlled the anxiety the lope the shits but the eyes watering and runnynose still there is there something i can use to stop that
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Did you have a slip back into opiates buddy?? Good for you coming off of it again. How does opium WD compare to heroin?? I hope you get some relief soon, bro. Maybe remember this next time you're tempted to use those pods!! I always suspected that eventually that wouldn't end well. I don't think people like us can ever use opiates/opioids responsibly mate, that's our burden to bear for having got ourselves hooked in the first place.

cowboycurtis said:
I am jonesing so fucking hard right now. Why do I keep torturing myself? Really trying to be mindful of these cravings, but shit, I can’t even sit still right now. I have the same butterflies in my stomach now thinking about a speedball as I did when I had my first kiss. Fucking mental.
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I know that feeling. Urgh, the fucking excitement that can come with cravings. It can be insane, but if you don't play into it it will pass of its own accord. Just like yuba said, do ANYTHING you can to take your mind off it. I know for me personally when I start getting the jolts of excitement I'm in REALLY dangerous territory, so please try to work through it! This is our brains healing. I find that the first couple days are so depressing that I don't even have the energy to score, but then as my brain comes back on that's when it can get really dangerous, since suddenly I'm filled with desire again, and the main object of desire in my life for years has been drugs. You can get through it though! You're aware of it, and every single time you resist a craving you are training, making your brain stronger, and giving yourself a little more willpower and it will be that bit easier to resist the next one. You've come so far bro, don't throw it all away!
 
@cowboycurtis hope you didn't give in, easier said than done but don't feed cravings, you're making it much harder. sometimes distraction is the only thing that works. sometimes you cna kinda reason yourself out of it 'oh here's my brain trying to make me destroy my life for something that will be more than likely incredibly disappointing,' honestly you don't want to be using. otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it.

well i had a horrendous shock today. i weighed myself for the first time since i got out of rehab. at the start of rehab i weighed 8 stone, at the end i weighed 10. i now weigh 13 stone and am officially overweight. fml. i know i have gained weight over lockdown but didn't realise how bad things had got. drinking really won't have helped. i got a smart watch for christmas so am hoping it will help motivate me to keep up my activity levels. i've been trying to increase the proportion of fruit and veg that make up my meals and keep up my running but clearly need to do more. honestly i almost feel like i'd prefer to be a junkie than fucking fat.

i'm gonna start making a note of everything i eat and all the exercise i do cos i know having to write it down motivates me. i'm just scared cos i don't want to focus too much on exactly what i'm eating cos of my history with anorexia but i need to get back into the healthy weight range cos the amount of self loathing i'm feeling is intolerable.

at least this should help me massively moderate my drinking cos of the calories, pitting one demon against another.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Did you have a slip back into opiates buddy?? Good for you coming off of it again. How does opium WD compare to heroin?? I hope you get some relief soon, bro. Maybe remember this next time you're tempted to use those pods!! I always suspected that eventually that wouldn't end well. I don't think people like us can ever use opiates/opioids responsibly mate, that's our burden to bear for having got ourselves hooked in the first place.



I know that feeling. Urgh, the fucking excitement that can come with cravings. It can be insane, but if you don't play into it it will pass of its own accord. Just like yuba said, do ANYTHING you can to take your mind off it. I know for me personally when I start getting the jolts of excitement I'm in REALLY dangerous territory, so please try to work through it! This is our brains healing. I find that the first couple days are so depressing that I don't even have the energy to score, but then as my brain comes back on that's when it can get really dangerous, since suddenly I'm filled with desire again, and the main object of desire in my life for years has been drugs. You can get through it though! You're aware of it, and every single time you resist a craving you are training, making your brain stronger, and giving yourself a little more willpower and it will be that bit easier to resist the next one. You've come so far bro, don't throw it all away!
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Unfortunately the pods led to heroin which i had a good two week run but love of wife pulled me out but Rio i thought i was out of it but a little taste with pods when they stopped getting me at peace i turned to brown im on day three last night was hard even with gabs i still had a rough night feel like my body been put in a cement mixture but i feel lighter think alot of the shit out of system. How are you my brother been of this site because felt like a loser gave you all the talk when i went a year clean but i still caught in its wave i really need professional help i think once im back in states im tired bruv the guilt trips real bad i have been so selfish my whole life i had a bad childhood so what why the fuck cant i live a normal life my whole self image shattered the women i cheated on who been by my side thrrough all the shit i fucked over im no fucking man truth is the truth im one lucky cunt money love life family image in society but it all fake im a selfish fuck all about me that the truth . I swear last night the anxiety got real bad like being tickled from inside took 5000mg of gabs to put me to sleep . My wife in same room as i type this beautiful girl my girl who i love why i do this she was rubbing my back all night because it felt like shit with wd i was good but the night was hard things have to change rio i will end up
 
I have a choice rio keep putting my family through all this or let them live in northern california i stay in kent keep a quarter of the money the buisness brings in that enough to keep me with a roof over my head food in fridge and do all the gear i want. But rio it easy to type but i cant be away from my wife and kids it was all meant to be so differant with our newborn i was meant to be a clean normal dad to her there is only on e choice but no more trips back to uk on my own have to come back brcause of buisness but like a child will ned my wife to hold my hand
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Did you have a slip back into opiates buddy?? Good for you coming off of it again. How does opium WD compare to heroin?? I hope you get some relief soon, bro. Maybe remember this next time you're tempted to use those pods!! I always suspected that eventually that wouldn't end well. I don't think people like us can ever use opiates/opioids responsibly mate, that's our burden to bear for having got ourselves hooked in the first place.



I know that feeling. Urgh, the fucking excitement that can come with cravings. It can be insane, but if you don't play into it it will pass of its own accord. Just like yuba said, do ANYTHING you can to take your mind off it. I know for me personally when I start getting the jolts of excitement I'm in REALLY dangerous territory, so please try to work through it! This is our brains healing. I find that the first couple days are so depressing that I don't even have the energy to score, but then as my brain comes back on that's when it can get really dangerous, since suddenly I'm filled with desire again, and the main object of desire in my life for years has been drugs. You can get through it though! You're aware of it, and every single time you resist a craving you are training, making your brain stronger, and giving yourself a little more willpower and it will be that bit easier to resist the next one. You've come so far bro, don't throw it all away!
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This time it was a herion wd but i have gone through a poppy pod and raw opium wd it less intense the heroin wd but lasts longer you start getting sick around 24 to 36 hours later and still feel shit on day 5 and my legs felt like stone 10 to 12 days later and the depression was worse it just would not lift and on heroin i get the euphoric feeling around day five like i beaten it im clean not a slave but on opium i not get that
 
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