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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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Hylight said:
Okay so i didnt use YET today. But had to have help from a dab. 😁

It's the only way i can tolerate food most of the time. Depression is horrible too.

I am losing weight but have a gut. Too weak to work out or anything. I just keep walking the dogs. 😁

Maybe diabetes from too much sugar.

Hopefully blackouts are gone from xanax.
They could help if i had to sleep off a weekend maybe. If i didnt get the cluster headache. Someday the risk will outweigh the benifits.
I don't remember posts. It's terrible but have long term but struggle with the present. 🤣

I still have to work. And go to a job.

Now I have to find good food because i got an appetite from high potency thc. Right.
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Keep fighting the good fight Hylight. You got this!! And thanks for your words of encouragement too - it means a lot.

somnilicious said:
@chinup Thank you so much. My life quality has improved so dramatically. I feel like I'm finally living again. I truly was suffering before. I tried my best to grin and bear it and put on a brave face but the truth is that I was miserable. I really feel like as if I'm finally awakening after a long, twisted nightmare. I just never felt right opiod free. im almost afraid that those 20+ years of hardcore addiction to multiple drugs may have done some irreparable damage and I don't look forward to having to ever stop methadone but at this point in time Im trying to not look too far down the road....one foot in front of the other.

I really know how you feel with the drinking. It's always been so difficult for me to live a completely sober life but occasional use always opens the door and before long I'm using more than I'd like and it starts to become a problem. Iv also always been stuck in a damned if I do, damned if I don't conundrum with substances. I'm never happy either way. Life is difficult and those evening breaks are so nice to look forward too but the substance always starts to take over and become a destructive force. When I'm using I always think that if I stop and get sober my life will straighten out and then I'll be happy but then when I'm on the sober wagon I'm always left feeling incomplete and unhappy as well. The truth is that I'm never completely happy or satisfied. I've wrestled with it my whole life.

I think being at home and unable to drink as often as much will be a positive in your life, while giving you time to assess your situation. I hope everything works out for you dear.

@Hylight You're in my thoughts.... Sending you ♥️
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I'm really glad that your life is getting better. Dude, if you need to take methadone to stop your life from imploding from other substances, then take that methadone and don't even think twice. I'm on 2mg of subutex, but I still consider that "clean" compared to shooting up speedballs every day. It's about harm reduction, and you're right that when we go completely drug-free the depression & cravings can be brutal. What's the longest you've done entirely abstinent from everything?? I just ask because I convinced myself when I did 7 months that I'd never feel totally normal again and used that thought to justify a relapse. It wasn't till afterwards I read PAWs can come & go for up to 2 years that I realized I'd jumped the gun in assuming my brain had finished healing - it hadn't, and being honest with myself I wasn't permanently depressed or struggling with cravings, it was intermittent and came and went the entire time. Sure, the lows could be really fucking low, but it was more than balanced out by how much better my life was overall. I felt like a completely different guy to how I do when I'm using or even how I feel now with just under a week under my belt. Take the methadone for as long as you have to, but let's not write ourselves off as being irredeemably fucked without drugs - our brains have an amazing capacity to heal, and opiates aren't even neurotoxic!
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Keep fighting the good fight Hylight. You got this!! And thanks for your words of encouragement too - it means a lot.



I'm really glad that your life is getting better. Dude, if you need to take methadone to stop your life from imploding from other substances, then take that methadone and don't even think twice. I'm on 2mg of subutex, but I still consider that "clean" compared to shooting up speedballs every day. It's about harm reduction, and you're right that when we go completely drug-free the depression & cravings can be brutal. What's the longest you've done entirely abstinent from everything?? I just ask because I convinced myself when I did 7 months that I'd never feel totally normal again and used that thought to justify a relapse. It wasn't till afterwards I read PAWs can come & go for up to 2 years that I realized I'd jumped the gun in assuming my brain had finished healing - it hadn't, and being honest with myself I wasn't permanently depressed or struggling with cravings, it was intermittent and came and went the entire time. Sure, the lows could be really fucking low, but it was more than balanced out by how much better my life was overall. I felt like a completely different guy to how I do when I'm using or even how I feel now with just under a week under my belt. Take the methadone for as long as you have to, but let's not write ourselves off as being irredeemably fucked without drugs - our brains have an amazing capacity to heal, and opiates aren't even neurotoxic!
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Thank you so much for the Congrats and well wishes my friend @Rio Fantastic

There was a 3yr stretch where I had a couple of periods of relapse. I went almost a yr and a half before I relapsed multiple times over a couple of weeks period. I then went another 9mths before I relapsed for a couple of mths(wasnt full on....like maybe half the days out of each week). Then I went about another 5-6mths before I dove off the deep end for the next couple of years. I never made it more than a month or 2 after that.

The first yr of that 3yr period was absolutely horrible but I was coming off a good decade of methadone and benzo usage. I was definitely one of the more brain fucked individuals at our halfway house community of 150 men and the early 20 something recovering addicts, who had had their little dalliance with heroin made sure to drive that pt. home by reminding me all the time.

It definitely got better after that first little stretch of the 3yrs and there may have been a few more periods of use during that time, as after that first 15-16mths of sobriety it was difficult to keep track. I think staying away from benzos has been the biggest win for me. Long term benzo usage fucks the brain like no other. I'm just afraid that I may never fully make it away from opiates.

Other than going back on methadone, perhaps the best thing for my addiction has been the advent of fentanyl as complete heroin substitute in the United States. That stuff is wretched and has done a great deal towards curbing my cravings.......

Definitely not giving up but my month or so back on methadone has been a million times better than the couple of years of using and endless relapsing that followed my period of clean time for sure and it has been a hell of a lot better than my complete abstinence period as well.

After 25yrs of opiate abuse It would be foolish to expect my brain to just heal itself over night.
 
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supersonic89 said:
Cravings ever go away? Or will they be hovering in your mind forever? Damn.
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In my experience they never completely go away but they do lessen in frequency and intensity. Don't let my experience scare or deter you. I have been addicted to opiates for almost 25yrs and I also have many years of heavy poly substance abuse(heroin, methadone, cocaine, phenibut and benzos) that began after a complete break down caused by an extreme MDMA LTC and the break up of a relationship of several years. I also have co-occuring depressions and anxiety that runs in my family so all of these factors along with learned accumulative life dysfunction play a big factor in the recovery process. Especially the longevity of one's addiction.
 
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hello everyone, it is my first day at my parents house, yesterday was my first evening, had 2 drinks, which is about the max possible at my parents, and got to sleep just fine. i'd started letting myself drink every day cos the alcohol/opiate/benzos were affecting my brain so it was getting difficult to sleep completely sober. i can't believe i went 16 years without being able to sleep naturally, got to sleeping really well naturally in recovery, and over the course of a couple of months nearly fucked it due to stress/boredom/apathy.

i don't think cravings go away completely, but i have done long stretches, like 6 months, of enjoying my life and not wanting to use any substances whatsoever. that tricks you into thinking freedom exists and then you find yourself going months the other way desperate to use.
 
supersonic89 said:
Cravings ever go away? Or will they be hovering in your mind forever? Damn.
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When I did 7 months totally sober, by the end I had periods of intense cravings interspersed with relatively long stretches of not even considering taking drugs. I think the longer we go the better it will be, and the people I've spoken to in long term sobriety report that at some point "cravings" get replaced by just occasional stray thoughts that are easily dismissed. We won't have to deal with the intense palms-sweating heart-pounding white-knuckle cravings for too long, in my experience those are the first to lessen in intensity and then stop occurring. Idle using thoughts take much longer to reduce in frequency.

chinup said:
hello everyone, it is my first day at my parents house, yesterday was my first evening, had 2 drinks, which is about the max possible at my parents, and got to sleep just fine. i'd started letting myself drink every day cos the alcohol/opiate/benzos were affecting my brain so it was getting difficult to sleep completely sober. i can't believe i went 16 years without being able to sleep naturally, got to sleeping really well naturally in recovery, and over the course of a couple of months nearly fucked it due to stress/boredom/apathy.

i don't think cravings go away completely, but i have done long stretches, like 6 months, of enjoying my life and not wanting to use any substances whatsoever. that tricks you into thinking freedom exists and then you find yourself going months the other way desperate to use.
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Awesome!! Could you use this time at your parents house as kind of a "reset"? Drink moderately and get your sobriety back together? That's really good news tho chinup, I'm glad it hasn't been difficult transitioning from bingeing to moderation.

I'm doing pretty good. One week clean today! Though I found myself entertaining a very unproductive thought yesterday - caught myself thinking "Can't wait till Christmas/NYE is out the way so that I have no responsibilities/obligations and can use freely". I immediately dismissed it, but it was a powerful reminder that I have to watch myself and deal with these irrational thoughts as they arise.
 
I'm doing well. Day 8 - just have to get this week out the way. The 2nd week is a HUGE relapse time for me in the past. Have to keep on top of managing my emotions!

How is everyone feeling with Christmas just 2 days away??
 
Right on @Rio Fantastic. Hang in there buddy. If you make it over the holiday hump without using you'll have a significant little stretch of clean time.

I've had a remarkably easy time since I started the methadone clinic though I found myself craving a good marijuana toke due to the Christmas holidays. I just have to make it a couple of more weeks and I will be off probation.

I was checking out the medical marijuana inventory in my state/area. It will be a great ally when it's time to get off methadone, which I plan on staying on for as long as the state gives it to me at zero charge. I have a grant for 6mths and then I will have a reassesment. There are people that have had a grant for well over a year so I'm hoping that the help will still be available when that time comes. I have been opiate dependant for 25yrs after all with several other methadone stays. The medical marijuana should be no problem because I have back pain, born missing half a disk in my back, diagnosed depression, anxiety and ptsd from my girlfriend overdosing and dying next to me in bed.

I received a couple of San Pedro cactus cuttings from a friend the other day that I am going to try and root once they callous. They don't usually root during winter but being that I live in Florida as long as it is not unusually cold (kinda has been) they may.

I can't wait to get my med card. Then I will be getting my license back so I can persue my various hobbies, fishing, exploring, amateur archeology and before too long my psychedelic garden will be coming of age. The sky has definitely been brightening up 🌞 🌈 on my side of town... Merry Christmas 🎄⛄ 🌵 everybody.

It has been well over a month since I last took heroin/fent or any hard drugs other than my methadone.

The best part about being back on the juice is that I actually sleep like a normal person instead of 3-4hrs every 2nd or 3rd night. It was torture and ruined every facet of my life. People don't believe me when I tell them how little I slept and this went on for years. I now have my short term memory back and the energy and motivation to do things... In other words to actually live life. It's amazing and I'm loving every minute.... Sorry I'm rambling. Peace...love you guys.
 
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THIS GOVERNMENT SCRATCH IS BURNING A GAPING HOLE IN MY POCKET!!! I am so fucking twisted right now at day 2. I thought I had it under control, but all it took was one visit to the bank app. Lord help me!
 
And it’s going to be a lonely Christmas this year and that makes it all that much harder. Fuckin COVID fucking shit up.
 
cowboycurtis said:
THIS GOVERNMENT SCRATCH IS BURNING A GAPING HOLE IN MY POCKET!!! I am so fucking twisted right now at day 2. I thought I had it under control, but all it took was one visit to the bank app. Lord help me!
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If you're only on day 2 you can probably expect to feel twisted for the foreseeable short term future. I wish I had advice or could help, as I know the feeling but I don't want to come off pretentious as I have struggled with it my whole life and I know the only reason I am doing so well at the moment is methadone. Perhaps you can get some help holding on to the money from a loved one or someone you trust. It would probably help if you had a barrier between you and the cash. Much love to a fellow addict in the struggle. Play the tape through my friend. You'll just be back in the same spot withdrawing but broke.
 
yeah on day 2 you're barely at the start of feeling twisted i hate to say.

covid really can fucking do one. i'm so fed up. thankfully i wont be on my own at christmas but really feel for those who are and anyone struggling.

at least i'll have some time off work, but not being able to see the literally one person i want to outside of my family sucks big time. almost feels like a waste to be taking the leave tbh but i need a break.
 
i am willing to try smoking bud and drinking if i have to try something for a few days without.

I almost forgot how gabapentin gave me the shakes and made the kindling very bad. i can detox for three days and sweat it out. This time ! That's all I have left now.

soon to be a happy and new year !!
 
I hate drinking so bad . . . .i would rather



not do it.

but i am willing to try this time. ♡
 
Merry Christmas everybody! I hope you all stay safe and enjoy it.

cowboycurtis said:
Phew! Made it to day 3 guys and gals. Merry Christmas Eve Day everyone!
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Merry Christmas cowboy. Good job on not breaking when you got the money, that's a fucking HUGE achievement and a testament to the fact that you're ready to kick this shit. That would have been the perfect excuse and it would have been all too easy to spin yourself the bullshit rationalization to end up high again, and the fact that you haven't is really encouraging dude!!
 
Merry Christmas peeps! And load your guns cuz there’s a war on it apparently. I saw it on a bumper sticker I think.

Anyway made it to day 4. Cravings aren’t nearly as bad as they were. My buddy actually just came by so I won’t be spending Christmas entirely alone. Just wanna give his family some space what with the kids and all.

Thanks @Rio Fantastic
That really motivates me to continue going with this. It’s like in the back of your mind you hope someone doesn’t say something or give a suggestion that will keep you from getting high, but there’s no bullshitting another junkie.
 
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