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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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No news is good news, i'd say.

I don't even open most my mail.

But anyway good to hear recovery is going well. One could wonder if BL is more helpful or harmful to recovery, but IMO it's not so black and white. It is what we make of it. Sure, Dug Culture can be triggering, but we deal with triggers every fucking day. If anything, the people here wicked cool and that's all i need.
 
No news is good news, i'd say.

I don't even open most my mail.

But anyway good to hear recovery is going well. One could wonder if BL is more helpful or harmful to recovery, but IMO it's not so black and white. It is what we make of it. Sure, Dug Culture can be triggering, but we deal with triggers every fucking day. If anything, the people here wicked cool and that's all i need.

My sentiments exactly with regards to the probation issue. In fact I almost put it in my last post. I wouldn't have even known she had violated me if I hadn't checked the clerk of courts reports. Nothing has been done about it by the state and it only lists that she issued a violation. I read that you are supposed to get a court date within 3mths of a violation and they haven't done a thing about it.

BL can definitely hinder or aid recovery. I mostly stick to SL, TDS, Psychedelic discussion or life and entertainment social forums. I especially like SL and the psychedelic forums because of the love and support. I can share stuff on here that I would never share to my family or the support structure I have in NA. They would never understand my usage of psychedelics for healing and recovery. I have been a heavy heroin addict for over 20yrs and have tried everything to recover and stay clean and have honestly found psyches to be an extremely helpful tool and a profound benefit to my mental health and overall outlook on life. After 20yrs of extreme suffering and recovery attempts I am willing to do and try anything to stay clean and learn to cope and enjoy life. It is my prerogative and something the NA nazis will never understand but its my damn life and recovery and honestly none-a their business. It is nice to be able to find understanding and like minded individuals on here.
 
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14 days clean..... But my ADHD is gas lighting me. I don't feel like I did a good job.

Maybe it's because I haven't processed the idea of losing meth forever. There's this dirty thought still bouncing around my head that once day I will be able to indulge myself with meth and needles again. And it's kind of the only thing that's keeping me going for now.

Well idk... But Billie Eilish is amazing...
 
14 days clean..... But my ADHD is gas lighting me. I don't feel like I did a good job.

Maybe it's because I haven't processed the idea of losing meth forever. There's this dirty thought still bouncing around my head that once day I will be able to indulge myself with meth and needles again. And it's kind of the only thing that's keeping me going for now.

Well idk... But Billie Eilish is amazing...
Honestly I liked shooting meth a lot but it was never an addiction to me, and I totally am over it. There's much better life experiences out there.

Stay safe, have fun!!!
 
thanks @somnilicious so much for your reply, it was really touching. i totally get what you mean about losing the clean time means you've kinda got less to lose by using again. you've made me think much more about the impact it actually could have at this point, i'd not really considered the psychological shift it would make.

i'm just trying to keep in mind how obsessed i was with dark ever since the first time i did a full bag to myself. i couldn't really enjoy anything anymore, i kept the illusion of control for a few months before giving up on trying to control it. i know using would allow it to consume me completely again. i really don't want that.

that thing about a relapse being like working the steps in reverse makes sense to me. i haven't got through them, i'm stuck on 3 and that prompted me to start studying buddhism. i've now been doing that for a year, and am prioritising that over step work cos it feels so good for my soul. but, as per your steps in reverse thing, i haven't meditated in ages cos the kitten is so squeaky. but that's an excuse, i could steal a few mins at work. i have noticed my mental health slipping and known meditation would help and kept not doing it.

i'm actually feeling quite a lot better today. i knocked myself out last night and had my first 8 hours unbroken sleep in i don't know how long. its really helped. i'm still exhausted and have a horrible cold. hoping to sleep well tonight cos i feel like sometimes when you're sleeping badly for ages you just need to break the cycle then it fixes itself. i have used the trick i use on myself about suicide, namely promise myself i'll do it in a week if i still feel this bad. except promising myself i can do it once i've found out if i've lost my job. buys me some time to sort my head out. probably good cos the guy i was thinking about getting to score for me was there this morning.

though by the time i'd nearly finished work i'd decided i was just going to hit a few pharmacies to get some codeine. that'd be a really bad idea cos weak opiates just make me want brown really badly. then my friend called me and asked if i wanted to get the subway valentines 2 4 1 deal with her, and said she was going over to mine to check on the kitten, so would be at mine when i got home whether i said yes or not. i was pissed at her for ruining my plans a second night in a row and couldn't say anything. so we shared a romantic valentines meal of discounted sandwiches and gossiped for ages and it was actually super fun, i'm now really grateful to her.

i've sorted out my cv and contacted a recruiter and will contact some more over the weekend. i'm also actually going to fucking meditate.

i hope everyone else is doing ok.
 
There's this dirty thought still bouncing around my head that once day I will be able to indulge myself with meth and needles again. And it's kind of the only thing that's keeping me going for now.

well done on your 14 days. i really wouldn't worry about thinking about it like that right now. i indulged in those sorts of thoughts for a good 6 months, and am starting to indulge in them again and i've been almost completely clean since sept 2018. the idea i could have heroin (my main DOC though funnily not the one that brought me to my knees) tomorrow kept me from doing it today many many times. its just a thought, don't beat yourself up.

and i'm glad your weed cravings are dissipating a bit CH.
 
Glad you are still fighting @chinup. I'm clean again after my one day vacation.... Day 2. I really need to stop doing this. The sad part is that I didn't even want to use dope but I was unable to get any of the drugs I really wanted. I was trying to get a few klonopin or LSD but my connects have disappeared or were giving me the run around. I am quickly being left with only hard drug options. I hate stimulants and the area dope dealers are doing me a huge favor by bashing the area heroin with not just fent but now cocaine and meth. I have not done any dope lately that didn't obviously have a stimulant added. They have actually all been horrible experiences and not enjoyable at all, so I have no idea why I keep going back every so often to do it again. Thankfully my memory is starting to become more imprinted with these new memories.


Hope everyone is doing well.
 
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I got clean. It took me losing everything. My wife, my children, my dignity.

13 months. I am on Buprenorphine maintenance.

I am still open to psychedelics, although I have not taken any.

I wish to undergo a clinical trial for MDMA for my PTSD.

Strange, it has taken this long to realize I have to do something now that I am sober. I am seeking employment. I feel weird.
 
I AM HAVING A LOT LESS CANNABIS CRAVINGS

like a LOT less

it is AMAZING I thought I would NEVER be able to stop that craving
I don't have the craving but I do have return of symptoms. I have less than 0.5g of BHO type shitty shatter, some benzos (not many AND NO DESIRE TO USE THEM), one beer (HAHA, just twelve fluid ounces) and that's it. NSAIDS and antihistamines.

I'll be in a lot of psychological pain/torment and am thinking I'll end up self-harming for months to deal with my incredibly terrible personality.

I'm quite frustrated and scared over the prospect of having to quit.

I feel weird.
JACKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE YOU

I haven't seen you in FOREVER!!!

Stay strong ok? I'm going through something "similar" except I've relied heavily on psychedelics and am coming off multiple substances about to be EVERYTHING and I am VERY SCARED I won't be able to cope.

I HAVE MISSED YOU!!! So glad you are ALRIGHT!
 
@somnilicious that is fucking ridiculous about putting stimulants in your dope. its weird everyone is doing it, you'd think whoever stops would get a boost in business cos even people who like both wanna be able to control their intake of each. i dunno, where i did a lot of my using most of the dealers got their shit off the same street in a shitty part of london, even though we were a long way away, so i can sorta see how everyone ends up with the same, but ours would get it (relatively) uncut and bash their own.

urgh i've had a shitty day. done absolutely nothing. i need to sort out my cv properly. i'm so ill. i think this weeks stress has taken its toll on my health. i had a 5 hour nap and still feel exhausted. had woken up at 6.30am after really broken sleep, been like this for weeks. just means i got a shedload to do tomorrow. this isn't a fucking life. given i've been alternating between sweats and chills and even got gross tasting snot and that weird smelling sweat, might as well be fucking rattling. not leaving my house has helped my brain not go nuts, cos it means i've not had to see anyone waiting to score or anything.

@jackie jones well done and good luck in your search for employment

CH i'm pretty sure you don't actually have an incredibly terrible personality
 
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CH i'm pretty sure you don't actually have an incredibly terrible personality
lol don't be too sure about that. I am an incredibly optimistic/positive person but from OTHER perspectives I'm not. So yeah. Whatever. I do what I want.

The entire UNIVERSE seems to be telling me I should take a break from cannabis because I've been smoking/stoned for 15 years and I am quite scared to.

I'm thinking by summer I can "smoke again" if I play my cards right. I'm quite scared I won't. AHHH.

Looks like I'm going to be alone tonight.

That's ok with me. I could really use some company but I'll be alright.
 
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lol don't be too sure about that. I am an incredibly optimistic/positive person but from OTHER perspectives I'm not. So yeah. Whatever. I do what I want.

The entire UNIVERSE seems to be telling me I should take a break from cannabis because I've been smoking/stoned for 15 years and I am quite scared to.

I'm thinking by summer I can "smoke again" if I play my cards right. I'm quite scared I won't. AHHH.

Looks like I'm going to be alone tonight.

That's ok with me. I could really use some company but I'll be alright.

Good luck with the cannabis cut down or cessation Captain. Giving up those last few substances and feeling as if there is absolutely nothing left for our chemical reprieve is a scary prospect and one I am also having trouble with. I am getting good at abstaining on work days and maintaining a mostly sober life but history a has shown me that when I get off work and have a day or two off I get in trouble and nothing seems to stop me...not hobbies, NA, sponsors, meetings or steps. I will be getting my hands on a stock of less harmful substances to cycle between when I get absolutely overwhelmed or else I am afraid I will keep breaking and giving into the dope urge. I want to cut out any street dealers. I'm thinking 1cp-lsd, occasional pot, phenibut and a few other psychedelics.

NA would say that this is impossible and ill advised but year after year after year in the program with relapse after relapse. I am beginning to realy believe that I should be focussing on limiting damage with these seemingly inevitable lapses. I am going to remain in the program and clean because I actually enjoy it and life now but I truly believe complete abstinence forever is not realistic at this time. One day at a time... Still sober today day 3. I work the next three days so at least I should be busy for the first half of the week.

Hope everyone is doing well.
 
Good luck with the cannabis cut down or cessation Captain. Giving up those last few substances and feeling as if there is absolutely nothing left for our chemical reprieve is a scary prospect and one I am also having trouble with. I am getting good at abstaining on work days and maintaining a mostly sober life but history a has shown me that when I get off work and have a day or two off I get in trouble and nothing seems to stop me...not hobbies, NA, sponsors, meetings or steps. I will be getting my hands on a stock of less harmful substances to cycle between when I get absolutely overwhelmed or else I am afraid I will keep breaking and giving into the dope urge. I want to cut out any street dealers. I'm thinking 1cp-lsd, occasional pot, phenibut and a few other psychedelics.

NA would say that this is impossible and ill advised but year after year after year in the program with relapse after relapse. I am beginning to realy believe that I should be focussing on limiting damage with these seemingly inevitable lapses. I am going to remain in the program and clean because I actually enjoy it and life now but I truly believe complete abstinence forever is not realistic at this time. One day at a time... Still sober today day 3. I work the next three days so at least I should be busy for the first half of the week.

Hope everyone is doing well.

I have some amazing supportive friends and everything is working out

I am so glad to have my family friends and significant other
 
i think i've sorted my head out, or had it sorted out for me.

the homeless guy i'd been thinking about getting to score for me was by work today. i usually have a little chat when i give him some money. he said he thought he was getting pneumonia, and whilst he was saying it he opened his mouth a bit and i saw he had proper crackhead teeth. honestly made me feel a bit sick realising that is what i'm putting myself at risk of. getting bronchitis in the height of summer was not fun. being so stressed about getting crackhead teeth was not fun, they never broke, i smoked with my pipe between my teeth to avoid the heat going on them, but they were so grey and disgusting and even that made me really self conscious. i'm so glad i haven't completely destroyed my health and my looks.
 
Ok I've kinda had it with this whole recovery thing. Fighting cravings every
I am in pain

I am having intrusive thoughts

No food or drugs for days

Other benzos and alcohol

You're not alone.. I'm putting all my effort into keeping myself occupied, trying distract myself from thought of drugs. Hang on brother.
 
naturally the CB-1 withdrawal is SO BAD I am drinking and will likely take more benzos tonight when the liquor runs out.

I was very suicidal and had tons of intrusive thoughts earlier, but I talked it out and I feel marginally better.
 
You're not alone.. I'm putting all my effort into keeping myself occupied, trying distract myself from thought of drugs. Hang on brother.
Yeah this is definitely where I'm at. It's hard.

Listening to black metal or noise music, trying to feel alright again.

It helps I'm having two sexual partners hit me up within 1-2 hours of each other, it's pretty hot to know they are thinking of me and I still have it and know how to work it.
*blows on finger guns*

I have to believe in my dick, that will get me through this I'm pretty sure.
 
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