thanks
@somnilicious so much for your reply, it was really touching. i totally get what you mean about losing the clean time means you've kinda got less to lose by using again. you've made me think much more about the impact it actually could have at this point, i'd not really considered the psychological shift it would make.
i'm just trying to keep in mind how obsessed i was with dark ever since the first time i did a full bag to myself. i couldn't really enjoy anything anymore, i kept the illusion of control for a few months before giving up on trying to control it. i know using would allow it to consume me completely again. i really don't want that.
that thing about a relapse being like working the steps in reverse makes sense to me. i haven't got through them, i'm stuck on 3 and that prompted me to start studying buddhism. i've now been doing that for a year, and am prioritising that over step work cos it feels so good for my soul. but, as per your steps in reverse thing, i haven't meditated in ages cos the kitten is so squeaky. but that's an excuse, i could steal a few mins at work. i have noticed my mental health slipping and known meditation would help and kept not doing it.
i'm actually feeling quite a lot better today. i knocked myself out last night and had my first 8 hours unbroken sleep in i don't know how long. its really helped. i'm still exhausted and have a horrible cold. hoping to sleep well tonight cos i feel like sometimes when you're sleeping badly for ages you just need to break the cycle then it fixes itself. i have used the trick i use on myself about suicide, namely promise myself i'll do it in a week if i still feel this bad. except promising myself i can do it once i've found out if i've lost my job. buys me some time to sort my head out. probably good cos the guy i was thinking about getting to score for me was there this morning.
though by the time i'd nearly finished work i'd decided i was just going to hit a few pharmacies to get some codeine. that'd be a really bad idea cos weak opiates just make me want brown really badly. then my friend called me and asked if i wanted to get the subway valentines 2 4 1 deal with her, and said she was going over to mine to check on the kitten, so would be at mine when i got home whether i said yes or not. i was pissed at her for ruining my plans a second night in a row and couldn't say anything. so we shared a romantic valentines meal of discounted sandwiches and gossiped for ages and it was actually super fun, i'm now really grateful to her.
i've sorted out my cv and contacted a recruiter and will contact some more over the weekend. i'm also actually going to fucking meditate.
i hope everyone else is doing ok.
