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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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chinup said:
argh CH that sounds awful, and potentially dangerous CTing.... look after yourself.

i have had a bad day. on the way in to work i basically decided i'd ask the homeless guy near my office, who i have a bit of a rapport with, to meet me after work to score. he wasn't there and i spent most of the morning trying not to cry at my desk. how the fuck has it come to this? what am i supposed to do? i don't wanna go back to the way i was, i know it was so much more painful than this.
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Hey, the most important to remember is that you WANT to so you CAN.
you can get there. it's timing it's okay, and will be ALRIGHT AGAIN! 👍👍🏾 you will !
 
It seems like everybody is going through it at the moment. I'm sober but not exactly by choice. Feeling really blue myself. I'm so on the fence and holding on in hopes it will pass. It's so disheartening to see so many people suffering with so much clean time. Work is great. Feeling alone and detached though. Hope everyone makes it through to feel better.
 
chinup said:
argh CH that sounds awful, and potentially dangerous CTing.... look after yourself.

i have had a bad day. on the way in to work i basically decided i'd ask the homeless guy near my office, who i have a bit of a rapport with, to meet me after work to score. he wasn't there and i spent most of the morning trying not to cry at my desk. how the fuck has it come to this? what am i supposed to do? i don't wanna go back to the way i was, i know it was so much more painful than this.
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I love you itll be ok
 
thanks hylight, somni and CH. its nice to have somewhere i can be honest and feel like people care. i'm meeting a mate from NA later who used like me, and relapsed after a lot of clean time due to a general creepng malaise so i think he'll be good to talk to. i'm hoping a diet of skate punk and doing stuff that's fun rather than what i "should" be doing at work will get me through til then.

woke up at 3.30 and honestly thought that was my sleep for the night. after asking me every meeting for months is i plan to stay after the end of my current contract, making me feel like my job is safe, my boss apparently now can't tell me if my contract will be extended until there's less than a month left on it. so i'd have less than a month to find a new job. so it took ages to get back to sleep, at least my kitten nuzzled into me and was purring which helped.

somni i can see it is disheartening. try not to judge your prospects on people struggling. and i will freely admit though hard my life right now is infinitely better than just before i went to rehab. part of why i didn't try to score off someone else last night is cos even when shit wasn't that bad, i hated myself so much for not being able to stop, and i don't want to feel like that again. plus i have a mint holiday booked for july and i have virtually no spare cash cos all my money needs to go towards paying for that. i thought i would never leave the country again 2 years ago.
 
chinup said:
thanks hylight, somni and CH. its nice to have somewhere i can be honest and feel like people care. i'm meeting a mate from NA later who used like me, and relapsed after a lot of clean time due to a general creepng malaise so i think he'll be good to talk to. i'm hoping a diet of skate punk and doing stuff that's fun rather than what i "should" be doing at work will get me through til then.

woke up at 3.30 and honestly thought that was my sleep for the night. after asking me every meeting for months is i plan to stay after the end of my current contract, making me feel like my job is safe, my boss apparently now can't tell me if my contract will be extended until there's less than a month left it. so i'd have less than a month to find a new job. so it took ages to get back to sleep, at least my kitten nuzzled into me and was purring which helped.

somni i can see it is disheartening. try not to judge your prospects on people struggling. and i will freely admit though hard my life right now is infinitely better than just before i went to rehab. part of why i didn't try to score off someone else last night is cos even when shit wasn't that bad, i hated myself so much for not being able to stop, and i don't want to feel like that again. plus i have a mint holiday booked for july and i have virtually no spare cash cos all my money needs to go towards paying for that. i thought i would never leave the country again 2 years ago.
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Glad to see you are being proactive. That is more than I can say for myself. I did go to a meeting last night but I couldn't wait for it to be over the whole time I was there. I always hear people saying that they felt down and didn't want to go to a meeting but afterwards they felt better. That has not exactly been my experience. When I am down nothing makes me feel better and the dashed hopes of a meeting improving my mood generally just makes me feel more depressed. Also this if you can fight off a cravi.ng they usually only last 10-20mins business is bullshit. My cravings consumed me all day yesterday and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

I'm disheartened not because of your current position @chinup but because of my former experience in recovery. Your experience only reminds me of when I had a little over a year clean. I'm basically not using for the same reasons you aren't. It's funny because I can intellectualize my life being better but I just can't feel it. My brain can identify outside indications of a better life and I guess I do feel better about myself in that intellectualized manner but in reality I am having difficulty internalizing the progress. My heart is just not there. I feel empty and dead inside. Ive heard it said in meeting all the time that the longest 12inches is from the brain to the heart and there is a lot of truth in that.

I actually attempted my own halfhearted attempt at using yesterday but by the time my guy got back in town I couldn't get a ride without pushing the issue and the rational side of my brain that didn't want to use was able to subdue the addict side that in the past would have followed the "where there is a will there is a way" path until consummation. I thought I would wake up feeling better but nope... The hamster is back on the wheel.

I gotta do something. I actually wish I could get a hold of some LSD which more than satisfies my drug cravings and is actually my preferred DOC but that guy is MIA. Tables have to turn sometime Nothing last forever. Not good feelings, bad feelings, nor cravings... at least I hope not. Hope everyone has a wonderful craving free day.
 
argh another hard day. so so tired. i didn't even think i was planning on trying that homeless guy again til i got to his spot and he wasn't there and i burst into tears. i hope he's ok, weathers been awful so i'm kinda glad he's not out. i don't really wanna score off a total random. argh though the universe seems to not want me to score. my mate i was supposed to see canceled on me, but then my other mate whose been coming in to help with the kitten texted to say she was coming over. which meant she'd likely be there when i got in so i couldn't be off my tits. i was fucking raging so hard like honestly she's doing me a massive favour but i'd not arranged for her to come today and i wanted to be able to go to this road i know you can score easily on and then come home and be alone. so i didn't do that i went home then she texted to say she'd remembered she didn't need to come in today, so i coulda gone, but by the time i got home i couldn't be bothered. i need to pull myself up fast or i will lose everything i've worked for.

i have got a random array of downers that are probably all out of date and i shoulda got rid of when i got out of rehab but heyho, but when it comes to bed time i think i'll take some cos i need to fucking sleep.

i hope people are doing better than me at least.
 
i used to be so alive. and now i feel like i just have to recover.

life goes on, just try to make the best of it. you can you will.

try to move on and forward. a day will go by fast sometimes.

find something that is different than drugs.

go for it, get distracted ! 👍🏾
 
chinup said:
argh another hard day. so so tired. i didn't even think i was planning on trying that homeless guy again til i got to his spot and he wasn't there and i burst into tears. i hope he's ok, weathers been awful so i'm kinda glad he's not out. i don't really wanna score off a total random. argh though the universe seems to not want me to score. my mate i was supposed to see canceled on me, but then my other mate whose been coming in to help with the kitten texted to say she was coming over. which meant she'd likely be there when i got in so i couldn't be off my tits. i was fucking raging so hard like honestly she's doing me a massive favour but i'd not arranged for her to come today and i wanted to be able to go to this road i know you can score easily on and then come home and be alone. so i didn't do that i went home then she texted to say she'd remembered she didn't need to come in today, so i coulda gone, but by the time i got home i couldn't be bothered. i need to pull myself up fast or i will lose everything i've worked for.

i have got a random array of downers that are probably all out of date and i shoulda got rid of when i got out of rehab but heyho, but when it comes to bed time i think i'll take some cos i need to fucking sleep.

i hope people are doing better than me at least.
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God!! I hope you feel better Chin up. The prolonged negative headspace, cravings are the worst because they are all consuming, persistent and the long nature of their cycles make using appear to be a completely rational decision because by the time we arrive at that decision it is absolutely premeditated.

I don't have to tell you but using will most likely strengthen those cravings which will most likely lead to periodic slips and concessions. For me it took several years of periodic relapses after that first period of over a year clean before I actually developed a proper dependence on dope again but once I did getting clean again became that much more difficult because I was no longer left with that bright eyed optimism and hope that accompanies a naive baby of sobriety into recovery. That was replaced by a jaded pessimism that came from the disheartening experience of my first recovery years and made the idea of another attempt at recovery much more daunting and difficult to initialize.

I wish I had the answers but alas.... "The wisdom of the fool can't set you free". It is up to us to walk the gauntlet alone, no matter how much support we receive. Nothing but ourselves can keep us clean.
 
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thanks somni for some really wise words. and yes you're right it is starting to seem rational. but i know i'm not being rational, i've been coming up with so much bollocks today, like it would be ok cos i wouldn't cook it up or get any light. or it would be ok cos i wouldn't get sick cos i've been clean long enough for my opioid receptors to sort themselves out.

i can't even kid myself itd be just the once, i know it wouldn't and i'd be back to being a slave, even if i idn't have a daily habit i'd be consumed by it, and hating myself for it. and it would make my employment situation much worse. in all likelihood i'll keep my job but if i fuck up now i might not. either way 2 people who've never even met me get to help decide whether i should keep my job, i'm so unbelievably pissed my boss left it this late to tell me its not certain my contract will be renewed.

what you say about the impact of a relapse after a decent chunk of time in makes total sense. it has to be so much harder when you lose that initial optimism. fear is a big part of whats stopping me using right now and you have added another dimension to that so thank you.
 
chinup said:
thanks somni for some really wise words. and yes you're right it is starting to seem rational. but i know i'm not being rational, i've been coming up with so much bollocks today, like it would be ok cos i wouldn't cook it up or get any light. or it would be ok cos i wouldn't get sick cos i've been clean long enough for my opioid receptors to sort themselves out.

i can't even kid myself itd be just the once, i know it wouldn't and i'd be back to being a slave, even if i idn't have a daily habit i'd be consumed by it, and hating myself for it. and it would make my employment situation much worse. in all likelihood i'll keep my job but if i fuck up now i might not. either way 2 people who've never even met me get to help decide whether i should keep my job, i'm so unbelievably pissed my boss left it this late to tell me its not certain my contract will be renewed.

what you say about the impact of a relapse after a decent chunk of time in makes total sense. it has to be so much harder when you lose that initial optimism. fear is a big part of whats stopping me using right now and you have added another dimension to that so thank you.
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I don't know you personally but yet I know you so well because we share the same disease and it's accompanying thought processes and because of that I love you as a sister in this struggle. I wish I could take my own advice but I relapsed today and I knew I would. That is the problem with a relapse and the restarting of the sobriety clock because it makes it so much easier to cross that line again because it feels like we are no longer throwing away as much. It becomes so easy to convince myself to use again, "just once" because I know I am only loosing several weeks clean time instead of the year and a half I fought so hard for and the memory of that seemingly consequence free, sweet release is always working at you.

The fact that I got away with periodic relapses without consequences or dependence only made using that much more appealing because I had the illusion of control and felt as if I could take a little vacation every now and then when I felt as if life was too difficult or I could no longer stand the mood I was in but the problem was that the heroin slowly began to cause mood changes and an inability to properly cope with trying situations, which of course wore me down and necessitated more frequent using until one day several years after that slip I realized that I was once again fully dependent. My will power had been slowly eroded over a long period of time and it all started with one simple slip, which initially scared the shit out of me but after I realized that I was able to get away with it for so long without consequence the fear slowly disappeared and the reasons to abstain became that much more blurry and until I was once again fully deceived by the illusion of control.

I don't know if it is true or not but I have heard that a relapse is the process of working the steps in reverse. We slowly stop meditating and praying. Then our defects slowly start to appear again and we are no longer promptly making amends as they arise. Then the internal story about our past that we were forced to confront in its entirety on steps 4 and 5 slowly begins to change as the memory of the truth is conveniently softened to allow for our pending relapse. Finally we slowly lose faith in the recovery process until we have no hope in our current condition and are able to convince ourselves that we are somehow in control of our ability to use once again. I have found this to be true and honestly the only way to stop the snowball effect from sending us over the edge is to follow step one like our lives depend on it and believe it to be absolute truth with all our hearts. Life can kick our ass and we can feel all kinds of horrible but our feelings aren't the reality of the situation, even though they may feel all consuming and more real than anything else in the world. As long as we work step one to the best of our abilities then we have the chance to stop the cycle. Once we lose the ability to fully comprehend step one in its entirety all bets are off and the drug once again has the foothold it needs to slowly works its way back in and destroy us.

Do whatever it takes to make the necessary changes in your life to confront these cravings even if it means taking action without immediate payoff or noticeable benefits. The action will slowly payoff as our thinking and feelings slowly follow. I fully intend on taking this advice to heart. I am getting ready to go to a meeting and I am determined to work my way to being able to handle life on life's terms. Through the ups and downs because using never changes reality for the better and only deludes me into believing a lie that always leads to throwing everything away. Once that happens I have to either chase the illusion or face the shit show that I have now created. It was hard as hell this time and I am terrified of losing my tenuous grasp on sobriety and what little I have fought so hard to gain. I wish you and I the best sweetheart. It doesn't get easier with age but the sooner we arrest it the better our lives will be and the better our chances of being able to live a fulfilling life. I have already missed so much and at my age I can't afford to miss more or I might not have enough hope or desire to ever make it back out. Sending love your way.
 
Woo Hoo - I did half a day's work today after being meth free for 3 days. First real work in months. With all the love in the world for people suffering problems with benzos I just want to say I'd have gone mad the last few days without being able to knock myself out with valium and take a break from myself and from my cravings. Have started prescribed d-amp as substitute for meth which has not produced cravings but made me feel chill and productive with actual work results achieved for once. Now just need to avoid any triggers - which means I probably shouldn't read any tweakery or joy of IV nonsense on BL.
 
Atelier3 said:
Woo Hoo - I did half a day's work today after being meth free for 3 days. First real work in months. With all the love in the world for people suffering problems with benzos I just want to say I'd have gone mad the last few days without being able to knock myself out with valium and take a break from myself and from my cravings. Have started prescribed d-amp as substitute for meth which has not produced cravings but made me feel chill and productive with actual work results achieved for once. Now just need to avoid any triggers - which means I probably shouldn't read any tweakery or joy of IV nonsense on BL.
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Good steps.... Keep up the process towards growth and recovery the more tools you put in place early on the better equipped you will be when problems arise. Support is a necessity even if it begins with the support you receive from the SL forum. Definitely avoid all the triggering forums. I restrict my Bluelight activity to SL, TDS, Psychedelic drug discussion and lifestyle forums. I try to avoid all drug glorifying discussions and even restrict my viewing of casual social forums simply for this reason. Reddit recovery forums are another great outlet and source of support towards maintaining your recovery goals. Stay strong Atelier3. I'm rooting for you!!
 
madness00 said:
At the testing place right now. I woke up with clear piss, then had an energy drink, so my shits diluted. I ate McDonald's salty shit so hopefully that helps dehydrate me.

I can't stop thinking about meth. It subsided when I was in a program last week but now cravings are back.

I don't think I'll stop after probation until I find that pure D-meth which is so hard to find.

I'm tired of this garbage meth and even so it's still my DOC.

I really want to smoke a blunt, too. Or trip. My life is so boring.
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How did it go madness00? How are you doing buddy?
 
Hi @Hylight:)..... How are you doing baby girl? Thank you for all the love and support you share in this forum. You are a source of light for many people on BL. Thank you for all the love... sending it right back at you.
 
madness00 said:
Hey thanks bro i'm doing well. Just picked up 20 adderalls for my after probation stash. Meth -> Adderall = harm reduction?

Hope all is well.
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That is awesome to hear. Anything that enhances your life, lowers potential harm and keeps you on the up and up during probation is a massive plus. I'm doing alright. Had some ups and downs recently but I am making tremendous strides in life and recovery overall. I also have some probation issues to deal with and honestly have no idea what is going on in regards to the issue. I was supposed to have a year on paper after a DUI. I violated mostly because of money issues but have not heard a word about it in 5mths so I don't know how the courts are treating the violation issued by my officer. It was my last 2 weeks and it was strange because I never spoke to my officer during my entire internment time, which was in another county.
 
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