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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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hey guys i hope you all are ok.

i'm a bit better, i think. maybe tomorrow i'll find out if i have a job or not at the end of my contract. that would make things better. in the hardline NA sense of the word, i have relapsed several times over the past week and a bit. in the sense that i meant when i went to rehab, i.e. i just wanted to get off crack and heroin, i'm still clean. not every day and i'm planning not to continue. it genuinely helped to sleep through the night a few times, i'm not so shattered any more, so everything feels brighter. no motivation though, spent 11 hours playing on my mates switch today, he lent it to me which is both great and awful.
 
oh god don't even start comparing what you could have had if you'd not taken drugs. it doiesn't lead to good thoughts. i spent £100k on crack in a year, but realistically, had i not had a severe crack habit i wouldn't have been prepared to do what i had to to get that amount of money.

i know it feels like it, but gear is not helping you function. right now it might feel like it, but when you're off it you're trying to function with the physical and mental fallout of a smack habit, it is making everything worse cos you're losing your tolerance to mental and physical pain each time you use.

MY FUCKING BOSS PROMISED HE'D LET ME KNOW TODAY IF I HAVE A JOB PAST THE NEXT MONTH. HE DID NOT. FUCK HIM. THIS IS ABUSE. I DON'T HAVE THE SKILLS TO COPE WITH THIS LEVEL OF FUCKERY.

aty least i got a kitten to cuddle. my other cat hates me for getting a kitten though.
 
i can't believe it is still february. i seems like it has been february forever. really really weird. and it's only 28 days.
everyone seems to be having a really rough time everywhere i go. i don't know why either, that everything seems so off. and in panic mode.

welp, i just keep trying to breathe and stay calm.
and i am tired of having to being hateful towards others and to have a new life now by making everything much better than the past that is gone.
and i appreciate my new strength in happiness.

because today has just begun
no matter whatever hell I have done
i'm here for me and others too.

to except life as a much better place.

I don't wanna live in yesterday
cross my heart until I die
don't wanna know just what tomorrow may bring
because today has just begun
no matter whatever else I've done
i am here to get through this too.
 
oh god hylight i know what you mean. i'm glad february is shorter cos it feels like it takes forever. at least its not dark when i leave work anymore.

feel so empty and drained. i could honestly feel my mental health deteriorating with every step i took to work this moring, it didn't do the reverse on the way home.
 
chinup said:
oh god hylight i know what you mean. i'm glad february is shorter cos it feels like it takes forever. at least its not dark when i leave work anymore.

feel so empty and drained. i could honestly feel my mental health deteriorating with every step i took to work this moring, it didn't do the reverse on the way home.
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my mental health got really bad before it got better. HANG IN THERE WE CAN DO THIS!!! <3
 
chinup said:
oh god don't even start comparing what you could have had if you'd not taken drugs. it doiesn't lead to good thoughts. i spent £100k on crack in a year, but realistically, had i not had a severe crack habit i wouldn't have been prepared to do what i had to to get that amount of money.

i know it feels like it, but gear is not helping you function. right now it might feel like it, but when you're off it you're trying to function with the physical and mental fallout of a smack habit, it is making everything worse cos you're losing your tolerance to mental and physical pain each time you use.

MY FUCKING BOSS PROMISED HE'D LET ME KNOW TODAY IF I HAVE A JOB PAST THE NEXT MONTH. HE DID NOT. FUCK HIM. THIS IS ABUSE. I DON'T HAVE THE SKILLS TO COPE WITH THIS LEVEL OF FUCKERY.

aty least i got a kitten to cuddle. my other cat hates me for getting a kitten though.
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It's really horrible when people you work for mess with your head like that. You're right, it is abuse, a hidden abuse that too many people get away with.
 
life if beating me down. and i keep trying to stand straight up again. 😁
it really is though.

i wish everything was legal. because i would then moderate.

i still do need to seek out something for my pain, pain.

life if beating me down. and i keep trying to stand straight up again. 😁
it really is though.

i wish everything was legal. because i would then moderate.

i still do need to seek out something for my pain, however. pain relief. i will do better next time.

apple cider vinegar cuts back on inflammation and exercising can help a lot. the problem is i hurt too much to care at times. and god forsaken bed rest helps too. thnx <3
 
It has been a busy week for me. My job relocated me to an all women's treatment center, and it's actually going better than I imagined.
I'm kind of glad that I am here because I am getting first hand experience that drug addiction and alcoholism doesn't just occur with men. I already knew that it didn't, but now I am able to see kind of what women experience with detox and treatment program type of stuff.
 
D's said:
It has been a busy week for me. My job relocated me to an all women's treatment center, and it's actually going better than I imagined.
I'm kind of glad that I am here because I am getting first hand experience that drug addiction and alcoholism doesn't just occur with men. I already knew that it didn't, but now I am able to see kind of what women experience with detox and treatment program type of stuff.
Click to expand...
It's so sad when women are drug addicts because they typically take care of themselves more but live a more isolated existence, I don't know, maybe because testosterone=being ballsy, shameless, etc.

Very glad you were able to continue employment/helping others in recovery. It's something I do dream of doing one day to "give back to others" but I fear I'll never quit everything (shatter is just too good to me, it's hell without it and I can't do 3-6 weeks of hell on my own, I'll mentally shut down again=donotwant).

And yes I have had a beer and a benzo. I have abstained from benzos 95% of the time no matter how bad the physiological symptoms were so I feel entitled to actually feel relaxed and nice considering I have a lot of grief/stress right now.
 
My girl OD again last night. That's 3 times in 4 weeks. I hit her with 8 vials of .4mg narcan before she came back...... fucking crazy experience as usual. I didnt call ambulance this time because they tried civilly committing her last time. Cops also threatened to file nuisance paperwork because it was the 3rd trip they made here for an OD in a short time frame. So I just let it ride. She came around eventually and is ok.

My nerves are fucking not ok though. Fucked up situation all around. I load the shots and hit her so I cant help feel responsible. Thankfully it worked out. I need to quit but transitioning back to sub is really hard on this front analog stuff.
 
cj you know you don't want to be going thtrough this repeatedly. i really hope you and your gf are able to get some actually useful help soon.

i still feel like shit. still no word from my boss. starting to fantasize about using seriously again. almost literally right outside my house, saw someone picking up cig butts off the street, so i assumed them to be a junky, kicked myself for not having any cash on me to get them to score. also fecked off, i've had little appetite the past few weeks, and eaten noticeably less, no sign of any weight loss whatsoever though.
 
Life offers you a second chance. I't called TOMORROW. You Are Your Choices.

Think Less. Live more.

Life is too Short.
SMILE
while you still have teeth.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY ! 👍🏼
 
Yea. Today I think I realized i i think i have serious damage somehow I had a heart cramp again last night. for xanax.
xanax will help it go away when tapering.
this morning i have swollen joint cartilage inflamation and hurt.
i didnt take a xanax last night. i am benzo free but in pain.
this is ---- ed, i'm ---- ed.
But i'm going to try to get up and get healthy again. Even if it is too late, I will still feel better if I do it !!
maybe too much inflammation. and that isn't too good right now.
 
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