Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[Asclepius]

@ x-stay faded: you have been dealing with alot lately hun. PM me if you want hun.

@N3o: Look after yourself hun, if you feel anyone is pressurising you, to the detriment of your well-being; then to decline is always a legitimate choice no matter what. Dig those heels in girl, when it comes to looking after you. You are not anyones Laboratory Rat.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Thank you darling

I just need to get away already. I'm thinking about packing up my backpack right now and disappearing for awhile.

Hun I have been thinking the exact same thing about my life recently, so I understand where you're at right now. Is it actually feasible for you to get away for a little while?? Like, do you have enough money, and a plan of where you would go, or anything like that? For a young woman it is not safe nor wise to just head out, you should PLAN what you're going to do and where you're going to go before you do it.

Sorry to hear that n3o I don't know about regulations over there but I'm sure that any sort of pressure to participate violates ethics protocol. Especially after providing an honest answer like that, there shouldn't be any more questions. Creating anxiety by pressuring participants to come to a study that is measuring anxiety levels is unfair to the participants and is just bad science too. I get upset when I hear these things because a lot of researchers seem to be disconnected from the real world and focused more on getting results.

Thanks Leg
The ethics over here are usually pretty strict actually, but you're absolutely right, after I had said no the first time, there shouldn't have been any further pressure after that. Not to mention when I said no a second and third time.


I think I will actually send an email to the organisers of the project to tell them how much it adversely affected me. Last night I was more suicidal than I have ever been in my whole life (just thoughts, not plans, don't worry) and I don't doubt that it was directly related to the experiment I participated in yesterday.
My boyfriend is really angry that I eventually agreed to do the experiment too, which of course does not help at all.

Ugh

 

[belarki]

^ wow n3o that sounded extremeely traumatic. I know I would have gone home and gotten plastered after such an experience *hugs*

My rant for the day, fucking public transport. I left home early today on purpose as I knew my colleague was going to be late as he had a physio appointment and I needed to open up the office. I get to the train station nice and early.... wait a few minutes, and hear the announcement that my train has been cancelled. Great. 15 minutes later and the next train on the line stops but doesn't let anyone on as it's full (as in physically impossible to cram more people on without sitting them on the roof or hanging from the outside). Another 15 minutes pass and I just squeeze onto the following train for an altogether too cramped and uncomfortable journey to arrive at work half an hour late.

And the worst thing is my anxiety, niggling away convincing me that no matter what reason I give for being late, and how true it may be, everyone else in the office will suspect I was late because I slept in or somesuch lame excuse

 

[ColdNorth]

I hate not having any idea how to keep tomorrow's impulses from making things worse. Today I broke my decade long abstinence of injecting things. I don't even know what comes after that. Starting to wonder if I already died at some point and this emotionless existence is just some echo replaying how events would have turned out. Any thought I can conceive, any action I can take has already been determined. I wish either the joy returned or the final blow came already.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I know I would have gone home and gotten plastered after such an experience *hugs*

Uhhh yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I did. Totally counterproductive to what I'm trying to achieve! Very miffed about the whole thing

And the worst thing is my anxiety, niggling away convincing me that no matter what reason I give for being late, and how true it may be, everyone else in the office will suspect I was late because I slept in or somesuch lame excuse

I know exactly what you mean mate, I get that anxiety of being late and people judging me as well
To be honest though, they probably didn't think twice about it. The other day I called my boss when I was going to be 10 minutes late due to traffic (as I always do whenever that happens), and he said he doesn't even notice when I'm late so there's no need to call! :D
My boss is cool
But honestly mate, even if they DID notice you were late, they probably don't mind. Everyone is late sometimes.

Today I broke my decade long abstinence of injecting things. I don't even know what comes after that.

You know what man? NOTHING needs to come after that. If you want it to just be a minor, one-off slip-up, then that's all it will be. Just get yourself back in to the sobriety mind-set and keep doing what you were doing before
Was there something that triggered you to use today? Or has this been coming on for a while?

 

[xstayfadedx]

Hun I have been thinking the exact same thing about my life recently, so I understand where you're at right now. Is it actually feasible for you to get away for a little while?? Like, do you have enough money, and a plan of where you would go, or anything like that? For a young woman it is not safe nor wise to just head out, you should PLAN what you're going to do and where you're going to go before you do it.

Right now I am running low on money due to wasting money on drugs (really should stop that) and the rest of the money I have is going towards my apartment/moving truck for August. So I really do not have the option to just go out and take a vacation but I really need to get away from this area right now. I almost did leave yesterday morning but then my mom ended up getting arrested (she came home after cause it was over not paying for this fine thing for my sister being truant at school...I guess they take that seriously but anyways it won't go on her record luckily) so I had to stay home and wait for her to call my sister and I. Every time I'm about to leave, something ends up happening. I'm happy I have not left yet though... I think I'm going to finish up what I have here to do and by the time I move out things should be different and maybe I will have a better idea on what I want to do instead of just picking up and leaving.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah that sounds like a good plan hun. As much as I can understand the desire to just pack up and run away and leave everything behind, August isn't that far away so if you can just hang tight until then, and move out in to your apartment then, I think you'll be much better off

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

We had a change of supervisors at work and this guy is more of a fucking prick than any manager we've had. He's talking about firing all the temps and hiring in people he used to work with. He's an ignorant SOB who doesn't even look at the parts we make like he's supposed to, he just glances at them and ok's them. Fine, I'll run bad parts asshole. He's made gay slurs towards me several times and treats me like a dog. I'm jumping ship before it gets bad, he officially takes over on Tuesday. I'm not hanging around to lose my job and be insulted every minute of every 12hr shift I work. He can't fire me, I quit. In 2 hrs I'm going to another temp agency and trying for a different job, a better paying job, a job that actually hires in workers instead of dicking them around and keeping them as temps. Crossing my fingers, I need a change.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Read MOAR!!

I promised myself that id leave the rant thread alone but i cant fucking help myself. I get pissed off goddamn it..
Our Australian Constitution. More should read it. We don't have a Bill of Rights or Human Rights Law enshrined in our law. We are covered by UN Conventions, but we know how much consideration our Government gives our obligations to UN Conventions. They were ignored when we invaded Iraq, but were tauted when we invaded Afghanistan. They are ignored regarding Aboriginal people and Refugee/Asylum Seekers. We cherry pick when it comes to the UN and don't really take them seriously. It is a Government Source and so cannot be disputed. It is a shame Australians don't understand what is in our Constitution, I think you would find most Americans know theirs, which is a wonderful document, shame it is being treated with contempt by consecutive Presidents.

 

[Asclepius]

^This is what it is for S.M.F.G.

 

[maniccountess]

The reason I went away from BL in the first place was because no one even acknowledged me when I posted in the Regional Heroin thread. So, I decide to try again, thinking there are like-minded folk i.e. into brown.
I have only posted once so Im going to stick with it, but if the same thing happens then...well, I shall just have to keep going and see. I know this sounds trivial compared to the real stuff here.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Went to apply at a new temp agency, I have a really good chance of getting into a 10 an hr job...a rubber factory, like 40 min away...catch is, they don't really do overtime. So I'm not really even breaking even. But after 90 days they hire in at 12 an hr. I'm gonna play the field....go take a 5 part entry test tmrw, then an interview....then wait....if I get there and can show that I WANT overtime...maybe they'll let me have it.

If its only 40 hrs and that's it I guess I'll get a part time job on the side. I can't live on only 40 hrs a week. Maybe if I work fucking 23 hrs a day I can get where I need to be, yeah right...

I'm fed up with the fucking money game. I have to get out of my current job but I take a loss for it. If all else fails I guess I go crawling back to the job I'm leaving and continue to suck the steel rod dry.

Fuck.

 

[ColtDan]

im stuck in a rut, the same cycle of bullshit....going around in circles.... and have been for years. but im quite content with it, but i know my life is never gonna change if i dont do something about it. its just finding the motivation. i have an optimistic outlook on life but i need to make more of it. i guess this could ring true with a lot of people, as its so easy to get stuck in a cycle but hard to get out of it. oh well i shouldn't moan about it, things could be so much worse. plus my life is better now than it was. its all up to me to sort it out

dunno why i posted this... just something on my mind tbh

 

[Asclepius]

^ColtDan: My own motivation is sporadic atm and I lose it as soon as I think I have got a grip on it. :/
Sometimes, it does help to post about these things; to clarify what is going on for us or just to try and get the ambiguity out.

 

[ColdNorth]

You know what man? NOTHING needs to come after that. If you want it to just be a minor, one-off slip-up, then that's all it will be. Just get yourself back in to the sobriety mind-set and keep doing what you were doing before
Was there something that triggered you to use today? Or has this been coming on for a while?

Bit of both, it's too long a story. 15 months of positive changes and generally uphill, one morning it just all vanished. Woke up to notice my will to live had expired and it hasn't come back. I didn't do anything to trigger it. Bupre helped me get numb enough to calm down but I've had to take so much it won't last another week. I won't be getting any more legitimately so I just want to push back the day I have to face this sober as far as I can. The price will go up 30-fold, supply will become random and full agonists will become much more reasonable to spend money on. IV just makes sense.

If there's a better route, I'll take it. I can't do benzos and I WON'T go back on lithium or sodium valproate. But you're absolute right, it's as bad or good as I make it. Not that it changes the acute situation but that's a comforting thought. =)

 

[dropsonde]

it's sad how when you stop smoking weed, drugging, and drinking you realize that your friends aren't actually your friends.. they just use you for dope and booze.

 

[Legerity]

@ColdNorth: You now have one more learning experience that shows you what particular situation/stress/person/etc may be a trigger for you. Like n3o said, it can be just that or it can turn into more. I expect that dealing with whatever guilt you feel at the moment and moving on will be much less difficult than stopping a daily IV habit again. I wish you well whatever you do

 

[ColdNorth]

@ColdNorth: You now have one more learning experience that shows you what particular situation/stress/person/etc may be a trigger for you. Like n3o said, it can be just that or it can turn into more. I expect that dealing with whatever guilt you feel at the moment and moving on will be much less difficult than stopping a daily IV habit again. I wish you well whatever you do

Thank you. This morning it was finally gone. I still have no idea what happened. It did teach me something; I need to get out of this city soon. It's driving me insane that I want to socialize again but the only interesting people I know here are somehow related to drugs. Reluctantly I'll admit some of the myths surrounding IV had me fooled, I won't be tossing out the equipment but I have no interest in injecting _pills_ anymore. I'll figure something else out.

I guess there's a lot to sort out still but in contrast I feel great. =)


Eeedit: A bit later, guess I spoke too soon but I'll leave you guys alone about it already.

 

[Fyasko.]

it's sad how when you stop smoking weed, drugging, and drinking you realize that your friends aren't actually your friends.. they just use you for dope and booze.

yeah i know what you mean.
i think its sadder when your friends cant have fun without drugs.
ive decided to stop hanging out with the majority of people i know because they cant have a fun time sober (were in HIGHSCHOOL!!!!)

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I fucking hate how my roommate points out that I'm smart, that I don't have issues running machines at work, that I have it easy while he struggles to grasp every concept that is introduced to him.

But what he doesn't understand is that I'd kill just to be normal like him.

I'm sick of this pain. I never asked to be a freak.