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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Multiple times through the last few years I've become isolated because of my opiate use.

I didn't feel the need to be social and my interests in getting high and nodding off were different than others interests.

I've been messing up the last few weeks, but I've been clean since late Oct of 2010. The few "clean" friends I've had left in town are going downhill. Their decline isn't linear, but it's evident and continuous. :(

I don't know who to socialize with anymore. Since becoming clean I've gone out in town a lot more. I socialize a lot more and I've met a lot more people. However, I've still not become good friends with anyone. I can walk into a bar and end up chilling and having fun with people, but there's barely any associations that don't involve the bar or at the very least, drinking.


I've made a few mistakes myself lately, so hopefully I don't repeat that. It's frustrating still going through similar struggles myself all the while knowing that my friends are getting deeper into everything. One friend has seen me at several points through my addiction and he's seen how much easier my life has become since quitting, but lately he's digging himself into a bigger hole.

I want to do something to help him before it's too late, but I don't know if that is possible. My frustation regarding his lack of positive change in lifestyle is more of a frustration at my own frustration to change my lifestyle. The drugs are largely gone, but change is greater than that. Removing the crave of drugs has allowed my mind to crave other things....knowledge, unique experiences, self-fulfillment. I am not being the best I can be.


I don't mind doing things alone, but I'm becoming more and more alone. Improvment is hard enough, especially without some help.
 
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Congrats on coming so far Carl. I think if you feel you can make improvements then you can start to let that process happen but be patient with yourself too, take the steps you need to take but dont forget to keep your spirits up and aknowledge how far you have come, without being complacent.
With regard to your friend, I think you have answered your own question. If you are moving on and he isnt ready to do that yet then that is something to accept, rather than investing in 'helping' him. It is hard leaving people that way but they make their choices.:(
Bars IME can be deceiptful. Maybe in your pursuit of knowledge, unique experience and self-fulfillment you will make noteworthy friends-It seems that most people make worthwhile connections when they are involved in situations, that is for there own betterment. :)
 
Carl Landrover said:
Multiple times through the last few years I've become isolated because of my opiate use.

I didn't feel the need to be social and my interests in getting high and nodding off were different than others interests.

I've been messing up the last few weeks, but I've been clean since late Oct of 2010. The few "clean" friends I've had left in town are going downhill. Their decline isn't linear, but it's evident and continuous. :(

I don't know who to socialize with anymore. Since becoming clean I've gone out in town a lot more. I socialize a lot more and I've met a lot more people. However, I've still not become good friends with anyone. I can walk into a bar and end up chilling and having fun with people, but there's barely any associations that don't involve the bar or at the very least, drinking.


I've made a few mistakes myself lately, so hopefully I don't repeat that. It's frustrating still going through similar struggles myself all the while knowing that my friends are getting deeper into everything. One friend has seen me at several points through my addiction and he's seen how much easier my life has become since quitting, but lately he's digging himself into a bigger hole.

I want to do something to help him before it's too late, but I don't know if that is possible. My frustation regarding his lack of positive change in lifestyle is more of a frustration at my own frustration to change my lifestyle. The drugs are largely gone, but change is greater than that. Removing the crave of drugs has allowed my mind to crave other things....knowledge, unique experiences, self-fulfillment. I am not being the best I can be.


I don't mind doing things alone, but I'm becoming more and more alone. Improvment is hard enough, especially without some help.
Click to expand...

I can sort of relate to this. I live in a place where i can get cocaine like i can get pizza but it's not even that really. Everyone around me is usually drunk or fucked up on coke, crack, various opiates, benzos and if your lucky script amphetamines. it's a sad situation when the highlight of most peoples lives is going to some dingy bar on friday night and getting shit faced and doing lines in the bathroom all night :\

I don't know i'm not clean at all as i take morphine for pain (and pleasure it has to be said), clonazepam for anxiety and i smoke weed alot too. But since i have neuropathic pain and bipolar disorder i would be kinda fucked without my meds. It's only when i end up on coke especially IV coke since it fucks my head way worse then crack that i really run into trouble these days. I don't drink anymore thank fuck as i quit that for good i think. But yeah cocaine can be a bitch and when im just sitting home in this rural ghetto waiting to get outta here i focus on it too much. It doesn't even cheer me up ffs and i still do it occasionally :p . Thank fuck it's only occasionally because my brain would be a wreck :|
 
/\ Yeh I quit drinking many years ago although alcohol is like the only thing I never had issues abusing. I couldn't stand drunken bar nights and fake ass yuppy friends cheating on their wives, too much bs and drama and I always felt like a piece of shit waking up with a hangover realizing all the dumb shit I did the night before. Talk about depression. Man did hangovers fuck with my mind, they also made me more prone to panic attacks which I hated.

I honestly think alcohol is way worse a drug than opiates lol. We need to take all the alcohol off the shelves of liquor stores and replace it with every opiate known to man. And we'll restrict sales same way we do now. And we will add an opiate tax which I guarantee would stablize our economy. But then we'd have a nation full of opiate addicts lol. I actually think that might be better than what we have now. Or maybe I'm just dreaming again.

To PA- I always found crack to be way more capable of destruction than cocaine. Although I never iv'd it. But doing lots of coke just made me all wirey, geeked out and numb/chill. But I never found the feeling to be that intense or alluring. Would imagine IV is very different. But in the 3 short months I was on crack I was already printing fake 20 dollar bills which I was giving to the dealers in Newark lol. I could have easily got my head blown off for that dumb shit. Coke never made me act like that. But I guess everyones different.
 
paranoid android said:
I can sort of relate to this. I live in a place where i can get cocaine like i can get pizza but it's not even that really. Everyone around me is usually drunk or fucked up on coke, crack, various opiates, benzos and if your lucky script amphetamines. it's a sad situation when the highlight of most peoples lives is going to some dingy bar on friday night and getting shit faced and doing lines in the bathroom all night :\

I don't know i'm not clean at all as i take morphine for pain (and pleasure it has to be said), clonazepam for anxiety and i smoke weed alot too. But since i have neuropathic pain and bipolar disorder i would be kinda fucked without my meds. It's only when i end up on coke especially IV coke since it fucks my head way worse then crack that i really run into trouble these days. I don't drink anymore thank fuck as i quit that for good i think. But yeah cocaine can be a bitch and when im just sitting home in this rural ghetto waiting to get outta here i focus on it too much. It doesn't even cheer me up ffs and i still do it occasionally :p . Thank fuck it's only occasionally because my brain would be a wreck :|
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i know you are avoiding the mess PA, but please - stay out of it and get out there; collected and together in good-time that is.

to my self and any one reading id like to say: it is so easy to get into a zone where every-day is entered in a sort of tunnel-vision, day after day until you look and see how you let 2,3, 5 years pass by in idle - for myself this to seems to happen when i ignore the true expectations i have of myself, and the mundane steps to obtain these expectations.

after so many years, i dont know what is more mundane then a steady drug-habit; the chase and all the shit that comes along, and it allll does come like clock-work for most...


try and start to break free from the you that you do not entirely feel comfortable with

this sounds simplistic or idealistic maybe but that is not the case,,, and i swears that your environment and what you want will change or become more obtainable - this seems so for me, i think, because as i was able to find myself in the things i do have, the 'things i wanted became less and less.
 
^ omg dude,,, you need to have it explained to them, from a person in authority how 'dangerous' it is for people who take their meds as scheduled to end up with out them, and the circumstances of people needing this medication in the first place are not ones to be envied - to say the least, physical mental pain etc. etc. which the medicine is for, plus physical dependence with out many realistic options as far as other pharmacies go to fill ones prescription...simple.it seems.

-----------------------------------------

i was planning on paying this place upfront for a year, then leaving asap, immediately after dumping and packing the place.

in other words, id pay many thousands just to get out of here...

i hadnt actually figured on staying here another year, im going to lose my mind, and im not playing, ive been had and had trying. this is the last straw for ol' andy boys and girls.
 
When theres nothing left to hold onto- thats hopeless.
To feel hope when theres truely nothing left to hold onto is only self-created dilusion.
True hope is always backed by experience n evidence.
 
Pip- You've got a good place to be 'stuck' for a year though!!!
You have an awesome set up there!
Keep your head up! <3

My little vent is......
I went in for an eye exam today and was NOT expecting to hear that my eyes are way worse than I expected. I can't even wear contacts. Not that I'd want to really but its not even an option :\
I have astigmatism in both eyes and the eye dr said its a serious case and has no idea how I've waited so long to get in and have my eyes taken care of b/c my vision is so bad.
Astigmatism is not out of the ordinary but most people with a moderate problem can wear contacts I guess......
When he gave me the view of what my prescription will be I was so shocked I could hardly even speak. I had no idea what I was missing. Without the lenses in front of me the wall in front of me was a totally different view. It was insane.
Even color was different. That was WEIRD. What WAS a faded picture on the wall was suddenly a vibrant clear beautiful picture. It was shocking. It was really friggin' shocking. I can't even explain. I feel like I've been walking around seeing things ALL WRONG.
I look stupid in glasses and he says I need to wear them all the time and should not be walking around without them :( I also think it will be a requirement for me driving :(
I ordered two pair of glasses and they said the lenses are going to be thick :(
I'm about to look like a major dork in two weeks when my glasses come in.
Blegh.
 
Pip- You've got a good place to be 'stuck' for a year though!!!
You have an awesome set up there!
Keep your head up!

this is so false,,, its hopeless.
----

you come stay here, or step foot inside the place for 5 minutes alone.



i have actual needs to meet, which i can not 'stuck' here.

for gods sake this is plain english and human nature

rage
 
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okay, one thing.

i have glands/lymph-nodes swelling up to the size of a half-dollar or more, they then turn rock hard and are only painful if touched.

they then 'collapse' and form 'legions' sunken patches of purple-ish discolored skin - i have four or five on my back, one on my neck, and else where,,, when they do collapse, they spread to the size of a dollar or less, in odd blotches, these are extremely painful,, and feel connected to the joints of my ribs and vertebrae, some also have white scales on them.

taking the combination of drugs i did for a couple of years is warned against, because of the sole reason that doing so causes "arthritic-psoriasis", i am on high alert for various cancers, and tumors especially colon and doubly tumors along my spine, just part of the deal. another part of the deal is the risk of lymphoma from both of these drugs, which are black boxed in part for this reason, when ones lymph nodes do die, or are overtaken by carcinogens, these are also the visible signs.

my last WBC count was 35, and it just keeps on going up.

calcium death along the spin or ribs, with my disease will cause these legions also, although it is not painful, this is a sign fusion has begun, and there will be no pain until a fracture of the fused vertebrae occurs.



i have doctors, but...
see my blog entry i had started several years ago...
 
I hate words, they define too little and don't transfer enough of the emotion attached to them when spoken.
There is no right or wrong, just a grey area.
I'm afraid to make any move in my life to get out of the hellish fucking place where I work, and where I'm increasingly afraid that they'll figure out secrets about me and if they found out, there's no fucking way I'd stick around.
All we hear is that we should be grateful to be alive but in the big picture, telling someone that there's starving children in africa doesn't make a shit bit of difference in how they feel, it just makes them feel like shit and like their emotions and personal situation isn't valid enough cause they're not "a starving child in africa".
Tell you what guys, its sad and all that people starve, but it happens. I guess the shit that fucked me from birth also happens. The people in both situations have valid feelings for what they go through, so I guess no one's situation is less valid and we all have the right to be angry, bitter, etc....
And yes, I'm very bitter. Full of rage. I wish to not think, that's why I do dxm on my 1 day a week off; and work is wearing me thin, I'm sick of hiding, I'm sick of keeping my fuse in check, I'm sick of feeling like I'm subpar to everying who exists cause I'm a fuckin freak.
I don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. I want to let go and just go start a new job like my roomie keeps talking about but what he doesn't realize when he talks about a new job, working less and having a life instead of 6 or 7 12hr shifts a week....is that he doesn't need money to make him alive. I do. Then again, I guess that's his life and this is mine so he doesn't have to give a shit. Which I don't expect anyone too. I'm sick of this circle of fuck, everything.
 
Speaking of eyes, I hate having horrible vision. I've had to wear glasses since I was in 2nd grade. I wear contacts most of the time now, but its still really annoying. I'm basically blind without them. Some people say, "glasses are so cool, I wish I had some" but they don't realize the expenses of eye doctor visits, the glasses themselves, contacts...and what if I somehow crashed on a desert island or got lost in the woods and lost my glasses? I wouldn't be able to see shit. I was lucky that the 2 times I was arrested, I was wearing my glasses, because I would have to take my contacts out after a while and be blind until I got bailed out.

I'm definitely getting laser eye surgery when I'm older and have more money.
 
I don't think I've used this thread to actually vent before...maybe once? But I really need to vent today...here goes.


Earlier this year I made a pact with myself that I would finally get help for my drinking problem. No if's or but's, no more excuses. A couple of months ago I emailed a few psychologist clinics in my area to see if they would be happy to take me on as a patient with mainly alcoholism as my presenting issue. 3 out of 4 that I contacted said the psychologists at their clinic didn't have enough experience with drug addiction patients to take me on, which is fair enough. I would prefer that they are honest right from the start rather than waste everyone's time getting me in there and not actually being able to help me. Anyway, the last of the 4 clinics I contacted replied to me and said the same thing BUT they referred me on to a study that by pure coincidence the Psychology department at my uni is conducting (I'm a Psych student) researching different therapy types for concurrent anxiety and alcoholism. I had actually seen flyers around uni about it, and thought it might be worth checking out, so I called the researchers and booked a consultation. They are studying whether CBT or some other type of therapy (the name of which escapes me at the moment) is more effective for anxiety and alcoholism, plus it's totally free because it's a government-funded research project. So I get 12 weeks of free therapy, and they get more data, everybody wins!

So all that was about 3 weeks ago, I'm well and truly accepted in to the program now, my first actual therapy session is in 2 weeks time.

Now, a week ago one of the researchers called me to ask if I was interested in participating a different study (totally independent), with a similar goal, but it was just for a few hours rather than on-going participation. The girl described it to me on the phone, I would have to come in, drink an alcoholic beverage containing between 2-4 standard drinks (that's a lot for one drink!) and then I would be assessed on a social interaction and my anxiety levels throughout. She also said that I am in no way obliged to participate and if I decline, it will not adversely affect my participation in the main study. Phew! To be honest the mere thought of doing this experiment completely freaked me out and I told the girl that while I would love to help them out with getting more data for their study, I would have to decline this one. She asked me if there was anything in particular that I was concerned about, and I explained that because I mainly drink alone, and that I have a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my drinking, I'm not comfortable drinking an alcoholic beverage in front of other people and being assessed on the effects of it (Understandable, right?!). So she kept passively trying to get me to change my mind, and I was getting all flustered so I just said I'd have a think about it and can she call me back tomorrow for my answer.

Her colleague called me back the next day and explained that I'm in no way obliged to participate, and they're not trying to pressure me. I still wanted to decline so I tried it from a different angle and said that it would be too hard for me to get there and back on public transport or by taxi (due to alcohol being involved you aren't allowed to drive yourself to the experiment). So she covered that excuse by saying they'd mail me out some taxi vouchers so I could get there and home at no expense. She kept saying that there's no pressure etc etc, and in my head I was like "Get fucked you're not pressuring me!! I've never been felt so pressured in to anything in my entire life!!" :X

She gave me another evening to think it over and called me back again the next day, eventually I just said yes I'll do it, just to get them off my back 8)


The anticipation of the experiment has been causing me HUGE amounts of anxiety, for which I've of course been drinking a LOT more alcohol this past week, which has consequently caused me more anxiety and depression. Then my boyfriend got upset when I told him about it, that I didn't stand up for myself and tell them flat-out no...which just made me more upset :|


So the experiment was today. While I was getting ready to leave the house I had a full-on panic attack and was about to call the researchers to tell them I can't do it. But then I got my shit together and left the house to go and do it.

The conditions of the experiment were randomly allocated and typically I was allocated to the condition where I was to drink a strong alcoholic beverage (4 standard drinks in 10 minutes!). Due to my high alcohol tolerance this wasn't much of an issue in itself but it made me feel SO guilty and depressed, because at this point in my life I'm desperately aiming to NOT drink alcohol :( Especially strong drinks.

So the whole time through the first part of the experiment where they were just recording my heart rate, blood pressure, sweat levels (all for anxiety), I was on the verge of tears as I could feel the alcohol taking effect :( I just wanted to run out of the room and go home :(

Anyway, then came the second part of the experiment where I was to have a conversation with a stranger, to measure my anxiety during a social interaction. For me this is hardly ever a problem as I'm quite good at small talk and appearing confident etc. The researcher informed me that the conversation would be video-recorded and assessed afterwards by the researchers for my performance e.g. body language, eye contact, etc. A bit anxiety-inducing, sure. So the "stranger" came in and sat down, we started chatting. I was leading the conversation and she wasn't being very receptive but I managed to keep the discussion going, and in the end I thought I did pretty well. So that lifted my spirits a bit.

The "stranger" left the room, and I was told she was filling out an evaluation form on how she thought I performed in the conversation, as in how enjoyable I made it for her. I wasn't concerned. Until the researcher brought back in the evaluation form for me to read through. It was fucking BRUTAL!!
4/10 for body language and eye contact
4/10 for clarity of voice
3/10 for overall enjoyment of the conversation
3.5/10 for whether she would like to ever have a conversation with me again!!

I was trying hard not to feel crushed because after all, that's only one person who thinks that way about my conversation quality, right? And it even crossed my mind that perhaps that feedback was baloney, made up by the researchers to create a desired response in me. But then the insecurities swept over me like a torrent.

What if I've always been boring?
What if people have always hated talking to me??
What if I've always just thought I've been good with eye contact and small talk etc.
Have I been delusional this whole time?? :(

I then did a number of questionnaires afterwards to gauge my levels of anxiety and how much I was craving alcohol etc etc. I think that was the main crux of the experiment, in terms of their data collection.

After the experiment was over the researcher de-briefed me and told me that the conversation feedback was indeed fake, and she handed me the REAL feedback that the "stranger" had given about our conversation. Which was actually really lovely feedback, saying that I was very friendly and good at keeping the flow of the discussion going, and that she would love the opportunity to chat more with me. PHEW!!! I'm not delusional!


But seriously, what an emotional rollercoaster, especially seeing as I've been depressed and anxious as fuck for the last few weeks anyway! I am completely exhausted :|


/rant
 
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I have reached my breaking point. Well honestly I think I did awhile ago. I don't even know why I still am here. I've lost hope in everything and everyone. I'm done living this so called life. I just need to get away already. I'm thinking about packing up my backpack right now and disappearing for awhile. No one will know where I am. No one will know if I'm dead or alive. It's going to be like I never even existed.
 
Sorry to hear that n3o <3 I don't know about regulations over there but I'm sure that any sort of pressure to participate violates ethics protocol. Especially after providing an honest answer like that, there shouldn't be any more questions. Creating anxiety by pressuring participants to come to a study that is measuring anxiety levels is unfair to the participants and is just bad science too. I get upset when I hear these things because a lot of researchers seem to be disconnected from the real world and focused more on getting results.

@xstayfadedx: I've been tempted to to take off sometimes and get away. I hope you're able to find some peace in your life whatever direction it goes <3
 
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