Lacey i dont know what to think , i just know i have made
progress, gotten down to 20 mg methadone, there are a few good ppl in n.a. i
can talk to , not all of them , and i will talk to the ones i can and get what i can out of
it . i dont plan on n.a. being the answer to everything , but tonight it was either sit at
home and be depressed or go to the meeting right down the street and see a few
people that still are there for me when i dont know where else to turn . i dont agree
or disagree with all of n.a.'s stuff. im really just scared and confused at the moment .
as far as subs i only have 3 so i figure after the methadone ends (i was going to do
20 , 15, 15, 10, 5, ,5 wait a day and then use the 3 subs and hope i will be ok
..............i know i cant touch anymore dope , coke or any of that..............
well then thats good jake. If you are truly findin something in it thats helpin you then
i think you are on the right path and Im really glad to hear that you feelin some hope.
I wasnt sayin you shouldnt be in NA. I made that shit pretty clear in my post but
just to make it extra 100%, i was just sayin that the idea of you returning to the
people that was treating you so bad, made me think damn how is that gonna work.
I hope u understand that was the concern not the idea of u being in NA to begin
with.
I think you are the type of person it could really help if you truly believe in it matter
fact. For some folks they just cant do the black and white thing. Folks like me and
other people like another poster said here, I think it was Bojangles but i aint sure ,
we need the gray area.
But your personality, it seems like you do better when you got somethin vdery
strong and solid to hold onto, a concrete set of rules and shit to live by, and the
support of all the folks doin the same. I seen you strugglin for so long with just
feeling like you dont know WTF to do and i think that maybe NA could be good for
you becuz it does tell you wat to do it gives you somethin very definite to go by and
thats the structure and support that some people need. I think it will be positive for
you--as long as you got a good group of people.
Thats the only thing i was hung up on...Was the idea that these folks treated you so
shitty, and now that you are doing it "their way" they are suddenly willing to
accept you now, it just seemed like yo, that is some fair weather friends there.
You dont want that type of people to be the ones who got your back.
But if you got a group of folks who really are the warm, caring friendly people that
I have met at a few meetings, the ones who are less interested in pushin the whole
doctrine and shit on you and more about just bein there as a friend to help you out
and support you...Then that is a really good situation for you.
Like i said...Dont get it twisted. I thought that you personally, like on a deep level
disagreed with the whole idea of the steps. The way you had been makin it sound
was that you didnt believe in it, and didnt like the concept , that you had alot of
issues with it, etc.
If that WAS the case, I was just sayin hey, you just totally went against your
convictions and personal beliefs , how do you think that is gonna work out?
Anytime you do a complete 180 like that, and go against the shit you believe, it
tends to come out in the end. Ill use religion as an example. Say a person who is a
committed atheist, not just your average non religious person but somebody who is
deeply against the idea of a god and always been solid in those beliefs and is
strong in their convictions, gets cancer or somethin. And hes mad desperate and he
just says yo, you know wat, Ima become a catholic, i want god to help save me,i
want something to pray to, im at the end of my rope i dont know wat else to do.
So he starts goin to church devotedly every sunday and doin all the prayers and
bible reading and just goin all out tryina become this perfect catholic. And hes goin
thru the motions, saying the words, desperately wanting to believe but you cant just
create faith when it aint there.
So as much as he follows this path and does everything he supposed to to, and
on the outside is the picture perfect catholic, and is even starting to convince
himself that he really does believe in this stuff, on the inside, sooner or later, the true
feelings always come out. That doubt in there, those beliefs that was always his
real feelings, you cant just make em disappear and decide to be religious. It gotta
come from the heart, and if it aint a genuine transformation and instead is a forced
one, sooner or later the true colors come out and the guy realizes that he really aint
catholic and hes just pretending.
If a person like me said fuckit, i dont know wat else to do, ima do NA, it would be a
similar situation.
So, I had the impression that you mighta been in a similar situation--BUT, now i see
that AINT TRUE....That you never really were super-against it or nothing, but that
you just had some reservations, and that most of them came from the people and not
the program.
I was just warning you of the dangers of doing something you dont really believe
in, and tryna put all your faith in somethin that you are only doing half-heartedly.
BUT, it looks like the idea I had of you was wrong, and you really were just
confused and uncertain about everything in general and na was just another thing
that you "just didnt know" about--but that you never actually had a serious, deep
seated problem with the steps.
Since thats the case, I think its great that you are doin the program. I hope i made it
100% clear that the only concerns I had was with a person going against the shit
that they believe out of desperation, becuz it usually ends up fallin apart when you
go against your values. But since that aint you , then that aint nothin we need to
worry about.
Im really glad that you finally feel like you are makin progress with this shit. I think
you are one of the folks that NA might really do good for so if you are doin it and you
feel like you are gettin some help from it i think you should keep goin and jump
right in. Your life needs more in it than drugs and it sounds like you are startin to
find other things to do with your time which is great.
Just make sure that the people you get with, got your best interests at heart. You
seem like a very trusting guy who takes the shit people tell you to heart pretty
easily. Since thats your situation, make sure that the people you surrounding
yourself with, are the right ones. Just like anywhere else, there is dysfunctional
and shady folks in the program too, its just human nature, you find the "bad apples"
everywhere you go, I aint saying its a problem specific to NA. But you seen from
your experiences, that sometimes, certain people are a bad influence, they may not
be using drugs but they are sick in other ways like the guy you told us about who
always talks about fuckin all the new young meeting girls and shit.
So just make sure that you put your recovery and the help and support of it, into the
hands of the people who you can really trust. Folks who are loving, kind, caring,
selfless, who really want to help you and will be there for you.
I can say that even tho I dont care for the program and it aint the way that I live my
life, I HAVE met folks like this in a couple meetings. and that if i was involved in the
steps and the program i would definately be happy to have them by my side helpin
me along. I dont say to nobody "hey, im justhere, but i dont do the steps" or nothing
like that. I keep that to myself. But, when somebody who is concerned and talkin to
me individually wants to get to know me yea, I do tell them "Yea, honestly, I am
clean, I dont use, Im really happy to be livin a life without dope, but I didnt use the
program or the steps to get this way. To be totally real with you, I dont agree with
most of the stuff the program is about, and I dont/didnt use the steps to get or stay
clean, I come to meetings as a required thing for probation, but I still try and get wat
I can outta them. just becuz I dont personally agree with the steps and the ideas,
dont mean that I cant listen to otheres and try to learn from them, and I can still
share my story too, becuz it aint always specifically NA or non-NA shit--the basic
ideas of bein clean and happy, are pretty much the same in the end. so there is
common ground there and I just try to find it when I come here."
And you know wat? Those people, the ones who are really just interested in
helping you as a person first and fore most? They always say hey thats cool. I
respect that, you aint gotta be all about the steps and all that to come here. if you
are clean and you did it on your own, your own way, and you are happy and
successful and aint still suffering and struggling, you are a positive example to have
here, and we aint gonna have nothin bad to say about you.
And i think thats really fuckin cool.
I aint met a whole lotta folks like that in my NA travels, but the few that I did find
were great examples of the reasons that many people stay comin back to the
meetings.
You want to be around folks like that jake. People who will accept you no matter
wat you do, whether you on suboxone or methadone or nothing at all, who will still
root for you and support you even if you gotta take your benzos for anxiety
sometimes, or who will have your back and be there to help if you decided to get
off them. People who are really just interested in your well being,who want to do
their best to help you achieve YOUR version of happiness, watever t what may
be. people who aint gonna push THEIR version of success or happiness on you,
who know that for each individual its different and all they want to do is wats
best for you.
THAT is the kind of folks who will truly help you and be great support to you when
you are in NA. And i am sure you will find a few if you look.
While I totally disagree with the principles of NA like everybody here knows damn
well by now, i DO think that the support , when it comes from the right people, that
the group can offer, can really do great things for the type of people that the
program fits. I think the companionship, the group mentality, all that--it can be really
damaging when its the wrong mentality, in a bad group, when people are using that
mob mentality for a negative effect. Which happens, and thats the shit I hate to
hearabout , BUT, when its used the RIGHT way, and the group is full of positivity,
acceptance, and the real desire to truly help others, it is a excellent resource for
the person who is lookin for reassurance, acceptance, support, a shoulder to lean
on, you know?
So jake, to wrap it all up, Im really sorry that i wrote so much, i didn mean for this post to be long at all but it ended up that way...But the point is just that hey yo--if you are doing the program and following your plan, and you feel it working for you? Then you keep on doin that shit yo. If you are doin NA now and you feel its helpin you? Then keep it up. I was just makin sure that you dont let nobody push you around or confuse you. You wrote so much about the negative experiences you had had so i just wanted to make sure that you werent walkin back into a snake pit in your vulnerable state. But it sounds like shits OK for you, so i hope you can take my advice of just bein aware, making sure that you got the right type of people around you at the meetings, and that you find a really good, supportive, caring home group that you know is about helping people and sharin the love and not about the wrong things. That was my only concerns.
So if you got all that on lock...Then all I got to say is great job and good luck keepin it goin. It really is so good to hear you feelin hopeful and positive for once and actually making a real change instead of just stressin over how to do it. You are takin action, and that is great!!! So keep it up, keep yourself surrounded by supportive positive people, stick to your plan, and just keep goin and I think you will have success.
