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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

N.A. meetings and judgmental people

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jake, I've been trying to keep from posting here but i need to say that you are doing EXTREMELY well right now. It WILL get better but its going to take time, most likely a long time. It WILL get easier as this time progresses.

Here's the thing... like others mentioned... you need more of a plan and need to eliminate the bullshit BEFORE it comes at you.

Change your phone number and don't give the new one to any of your old contacts. You can't be associating with ANY of your old friends right now. Fuck them, they don't give a shit about you or what you are trying to do for yourself

Maybe even hit craigslist and print out jobs that you are qualified for. Let your dad 'find' these printouts so he thinks you are applying to places.

Do whatever you need to but don't fucking get high. That would be the worse choice of any choices to make, man.
 
^^^

And definitely start applying for jobs. It mightn't be what you feel like doing at the moment but maintaining forward momentum is important. You wouldn't have got your degree unless you were able to make yourself do shit even when you didn't feel like it so you can channel that ability into other areas now.
 
I'm so tired of these overzealous moderators deleting all the posts... JEEZE it's frustrating. Also jake: you took a sub? I thought you never stopped taking the methadone? I'm confused now.
 
You gotta find what works for u man, I go to NA meetings all the time, atleast once a day. and yeah alot of that judgeing and drama shit goes on. i dont want to be a part of that shit so i dont involve my self in it. i'm there for ME! thats whatcha gotta understand, ur there for YOU! not for them, yeah its a selfish program so what.
like theres an NA meeting here and it's full of fuckin hot chicks, i had to stop going to it because i couldnt fuckin focus on what was going on lol ya feel me? so i picked a group that has some young people, but mostly people with a lot of time sober. they dont judge me, they may tell me to clean the cigarette bins and make coffee, but they dont tell me what i can and cant do because its my decision. they are there to share their experience strength and hope, thats all. if they talk about my baggy fuckin pants then fuck it, they are just going to have to deal with it lol.
u gotta watch it tho, some people with a lot of time can be rude, but dont let them get under ur skin.
its going to suck at first b/c emotions come out (and thats what im dealing with now), gotta work through it SOBER!
pray, go to meetings, call your sponsor.
 
haven't been by in awhile, but hitting up this thread makes me smile. looks like yer doing better, Jake, and that is encouraging. i feel the exact same way about meetings, but they are a necessary evil, so go to them without thinking and don't worry about it.

i was shooting up everyday this year reading about you, and now i have been off the needle for over 6 weeks. i don't crave dope anymore, or even really think about it. so it can happen quickly... i just wanted to get away from that shit so bad.

but just so you get a realistic picture, i started out with 4mgs of sub and tapered down to crumbs, now i'm trying to jump from that. not bad. a little flu, but zero craving. i'm also taking a ton of adderall, but no weed or alcohol.... i haven't really touched the xanax or ambien that is scripted to me.

you can do this, Jake! geez, if i can do it, you can...
 
That whole "chicks in NA" thing really brings back memories and makes me wanna start going again. When I use to go to NA like 7 years ago I was so g/damn insecure about myself I didn't even like muttering "hi I'm X and I'm an addict". My heart use to race cause it was like a slow fuse burning as it went around the room and I felt once the fuse got to me I'd explode and just freak out. My anxiety was sooo fucking severe when I use to go to NA.
Now and days I can't shut up. I'm on drugs but I'm genuinely a lot more secure cause of my age now. I should really go back and make up for all the converations that played out in my head and never happened. Just to meet people and make new friends really. Its sad that I'll sit here myself and judge NA but comeon, PEOPLE are judgemental. I'm judgemental, everyones judgemental, there's really nothing wrong with NA even if you don't take it word for word by the book.
I mean shit it keeps people alive and I've also met some of the KINDEST most down to earth people I've ever met before at NA. You don't find people like that in school or at work, people are so g/damn concerned about being cool and nonneedy.

I finished my last final today Jake and am in the same position you're in, but I had no idea you got down your methadone that low. Something really seems to be "altering" in you and I think its for the better. Just the way you're talking you really seem at war with your addiction, and I think thats a good thing. In the past you seemed much more passive towards it.
Well I relapsed lastnight I was alone for a week and wanted to detox, just kept tapering and the last night I was alone (brother went to mexico) I couldn't take it anymore and made up 150gms. But man when I relapse I really just throw the entire fucking towel in. I felt so bad today I decided to just not take any opiates and finish my finals as punishment. But punishing myself like that paid off because tommorow I'm going straight back to 30gms now... or I hope. The worst part really is just having access to the drugs. Its soooo easy to not use when you're broke or supplies are low, but everytime the supply starts flowing again it really will fucking test your will power.

I'm definitely hoping I go back to 30gms tommorow but I'll admit I just wanna get high as fuck. However.. THERES ALWAYS TOMMOROW, and tommorow when I wake up I will hate myself and use more just because I hate myself. I KNOW I WILL DO THAT. I KNOW I will HATE MYSELF so WHY DO I USE? When does using get old? Every single fucking time I get high I KNOW DAMN WELL my life is going NOWHERE. I taper for 2 weeks, am alone for 6 fucking days and snap on day 6. I always make it right to the end and fuck up, its like I do it on purpose just to torture myself. Maybe we really just wanna torture ourselves? I don't know what else it could be.

Addiction doesn't make sense Jake, it never will. I think the end you just have to get so incredibly fed up with everything that you dive in head first regardless of how cold the water is. Relapsing one time makes it a million times easier to relapse a second time. Last night was my "one time", and if tommorow becomes a second time I seriously may just burn all my pods, lock myself in my room for 2 weeks, and tell my family I got the flu. I don't really give a fuck what they think anymore, I caught the flu, I'm sick, leave me the fuck alone till I'm better. Simple as that.

But never that simple lol.
 
hey guys im goin to respond soon . just went to see my mom a few days and got back . doin ok ...................
 
Bo i feel u , i gotta admit , i have screwed up a little too.........................im kinda ashamed. its been 10 days since i left the clinic , i have these 3 subs left and since i got down so low on the methadone i should just use those 3 to come off with but when i had money i got high a few times..............i still think i could make it with those 3 subs but when i have the money and there is stuff around, i keep putting it off.......and i feel so guilty since a lotta ppl from meetings and stuff wanna help me , and i lie about it to them...............and people places and things are a biutch too..........why is it so easy to give in to the wrong ppl ?
 
Yeh bro honestly I don't think it has anything to do with "the wrong ppl". I only say that because I order my drugs legally and when I have money I don't care if the people are wrong or right IT IS DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to not buy more drugs.
However, I also have some weird survival mechansim I see at work regarding employment. I won't get a job and just finished school. I am deathly afraid of working because I will have too much extra money and what I'll do is stablize my life just enough to hold a job, pay my bills, while spending half of all the money I make on drugs.
And I wonder if you're keeping yourself broke for similar reasons. Lately I've honestly been trying to live on the bare minimum, and it sucks, but it makes it wayyy easier to not buy drugs. And it still honestly looks to me like both of us are improving. I know for a fact me and you are harder on each other (not each other but ourselves individually) more than a good deal of drug addicts ever could be. And THATS what gets people clean.
I wake up everyday despising myself for being a drug addict, for leaching off as many people as I can, for not having any direction in life. But I also know its literally impossible to live the rest of my life like this. I ALSO know I will never kill myself, so that makes it inevitable that I will get clean again. I've got clean before under similar circumstances (that invovled driving myself crazy like you and me are both doing now) and I honestly have A LOT of faith that soon the both of us will be clean. Sure I might relapse and hate myself, and you will too, but the progression actually seems to be improving with both of us. I'm just worried about your dope use really. I KNOW you won't say on either methadone or sub for a while just cause they aren't really fun (I'm assuming methadone is more fun but in the end still pretty bland like most long acting opiates). But I know dope is something almost anyone would be willing to throw their lives away for.

So stick with your NA meetings, if you relapse from time to time so be it, but you WILL grow sick of this life man I know it. And I know it not because I know you're smart, but I SEE CLEARLY how using drugs makes you hate yourself. That is a REALLY good thing, and that is precisely whats going to get you clean one day. I'm keeping myself broke on purpose now so I'm forced to taper, and honestly its much easier than working and battling the cravings everyday with money in my pocket, combined with the stress of work and excuses to use.
I'm gonna live off my sidejobs for another couple weeks and just see if I can keep tapering. Its hard as fuck but I'm not giving up now... and niether are you. =]
 
Bojangles i can relate to what you mean with keeping yourself broke because you fiend that much more if you know you got some disposable income.. I know what you mean dude.

Good luck jake, seems you've changed things. Yeah you're still addicted but you can only change things slowly jake. The seemingly small changes you make are actually huge victories as long as you keep moving in this same direction it dosn't matter how fast you change just keep moving in the right direction, fight the cravings, before you score heroin remember how intense the guilt is.

Good luck hope you find what you want out of life Jake.
 
well i actually just got 200 bucks but i think im still gonna use the sub tomorow and save my money . the D around here is crap anyway , had some fire from camden but look at what i am risking out there...................sick of that lifestyle anyway , have to much to lose, a family that loves me , i finished college, a car, place to live............friends who care. at least ive made it almost 2 weeks off the methadone clinic , and i tapered down to about 20 mg methadone , was on 80 for awhile then 55 for abuot 2 months..........so tomrowo will be 48 hours since last dosing any meth so i should be fine to use the sub i have to get clean off opiates, next move if i can will be lower my klonopin , may still smoke some bud or do a little yayo not sure but i prob should try to listen at the meetings and be as clean as i can............but if i can kick the meth and D with these subs man that would be a major accomplishment. i have one of the new sub films and 3 of the regular sub pills...........so i figure when i get up tmrw , pop in half of that film (4 mg ) and hope it works.......
 
Man i hope you do the right thing but i kind of got a feeling you're going to end up copping some h if you feel abit sick or something and then justify it to yourself somehow. Please for the sake of all you have gained man dont do this..

I know what it's like when you have money man, just try and stay aware of your thoughts and stay mindful... Remember what you really want, come back to this thread and read through. Fight this shit man, i believe deep down that you will evantually win, just dont take a step backwards.

Also dude i don't mean to be such a drag but doing yayo dosnt sound like the best idea man, not because you might get addicted to it or something lol, i highly doubt that, but i mean don't stims increase the rate of metabolizsm of drugs in the body, like getting opioids out of your body faster than usual and in turn making them hold you for less time.

Good luck bro, seriously though if you crumble and end up copping heroin then i would really lose faith in your seriousness in quitting. It wouldn't make any sense, i know technically in theory you could use it to taper with, but this isnt realistic man, and would be stupid i think. If the bupe dosn't hold you too bad, go cold turkey from then on. If you're down to about 20mg 'done anyways thats not a huge amount to jump from. Not ideal, but it's not a situation that would warrant scoring additional opiates to taper with.

anyways man i really hope you reply with some positive news and that shit goes well for you man. make the right decision bro. we're behind you. Also since you smoke weed stock up on plenty of that! Good old soothing marijuana...
 
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yeah man, i aint gonna buy dope with that money . i might get coke and that might be wrong but it def is bettter than getting dope.................im 48 hours off the methadone and dont wanna do dope no more and have 4 subs so tomorow is the best time to take the sub safely and get off opiates............im not worried about coke or weed being a serious problem , im worried about dope , and ive made it 2 weeks almost off the meth clinic so i can finish getting clean with these few subs since i got down to 20 mg yesterday (none today , sub tomorow)
 
Also dude i don't mean to be such a drag but doing yayo dosnt sound like the best idea man, not because you might get addicted to it or something lol, i highly doubt that, but i mean don't stims increase the rate of metabolizsm of drugs in the body, like getting opioids out of your body faster than usual and in turn making them hold you for less time.
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Stimulants don't make your body process any opioid quicker then it normally would. The biggest danger is that mixing stimulants and opioids despite having opposite effects potentiate each other. As a person who has shot morphine+coke and eaten both morphine and dextroamphetamine at the same time i can say they definetely seem to potentiate each other. Speedballs especially when injected are insanely addictive in my opinion atleast.

There is a big danger of him getting addicted to coke because coke is very fucking addictive no matter which way you take it. Wheather you snort it, smoke crack or shoot it coke is a very morish drug for alot of people. In my own personal opinon a cocaine addiction makes a opiate addiction look like childs play. It is definetely way more destructive from what ive seen.

He is also likely to end up using more opioids as a result of using coke too and id be very surprised if this did not happen. Anyone who uses both coke and opiates will almost always go reaching for more opiates on the comedown since strong opiates pretty much kill comedowns on the spot. But then your feeling good but a little drowsy so why not use more coke? Vicious cycle indeed :p

Another thing is that coke makes opioid withdrawals about 1000 times worse! I snorted half a gram of real good blow once while just getting over acute morphine withdrawals (i was about 6 days in i think) and it ended up a proper horror show to say the very fucking least. You may feel better while your high (if you can even call coke/crack a high) but once you start to comedown omfg is it ever beyond awful. You can't sleep, eat or do anything but just sit there shivering and shaking in a pit of bottomless despair. So i would say nay on the coke thing.

That money could be spent on much better things then coke too. Hell if you want to get rid of your cash so badly you would feel alot better giving your money to the poor so they can maybe eat this christmas then you would be spending your cash on coke and giving it to some scummy cokehead.
 
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jake, what is your ultimate goal in all of this? Are you looking to be completely abstinent from drugs some day? Are you looking to just use certain drugs occasionally?

I remember when I first started IV'ing coke. In the very beginning the high lasted for an hour or so and there wasn't a very bad jones. I'm assuming this is how it was with you those first times you've done it. It doesn't stay like that. This didn't last long at all. Within a coupla days, instead of injecting every hour I was injecting every 10 minutes (or less).

An IV coke habit demands everything, man. Its a huge mindfuck in so many ways and will cost much more to support than your dope habit did and it will be harder to hide from your parents.

Fuck, man... i'm fearful to read your future posts if you start to rationalize shooting coke. You can bet that we will still be here for you, man. (Personally, I can relate much more to a coke habit than a dope habit but REALLY don't want to see you go that route). It will be short ride once you get wrapped up in it and definitely will not end well

fuck, please figure out what your ultimate goal is and try to work towards it. All the evidence clearly shows that you are NOT the type of dude that can handle hard drugs like this (you're not alone in that respect)
 
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