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Self-harm support thread v. 3

n3ophy7e said:
Dragnfyr, so sorry to hear about all the bullshit this woman is causing you man :( Hopefully she'll get bored of it soon and move on. How are things now? I really wish you wouldn't take it out on yourself by cutting. I understand the desire for endorphins, and I know that it's very familiar and comforting to you, but there are other ways you can feel good. Exercise is the #1 endorphin-release activity for me these days, it gets me out of so much trouble. Do you do any exercise, or do you think you could incorporate some in to your week?
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thanks for writing back. I looked back, I really did post that on my b-day hah..
I haven't really cut since.. been thinking about it but honestly I really want to find a new girl friend or whatever and I'm afraid of them seeing cuts if my shirt gets to come off, it's like the only thing keeping me from doing it. I did start exercising a lot though, I lost 35-40 lbs since june. She hasn't grown bored though, won't leave me alone =( A couple nights ago I got the txt 'booty call' and spent like 4 hours back and forth telling her I wouldn't fuck her with a ten foot pole with two condoms on the end / I'd sooner go gay (if it wasn't for the dick involved I'd say that's a much brighter option than going through this crap again!!) 'i still love you i always will' if you ever did at all you wouldnt have fucked my only friend. blah blah fucking blah... I want to get laid so bad lol not going to touch her though, I feel so disgusting already for having been with her after she was with him, like scrubbing yourself red in the shower cant-get-clean


she's txting me right now actually. :( don't want to be alive right now, I'm gonna slam some more vodka and go for a bike ride. It's so fucking hard because I REALLY loved the bitch I just can't think so little of myself that I'd get with her again. I've been cheated on by every girl I've ever been with but that was as bad as it could have been.

I'm getting out of this thread before I mess my body up and leave myself with even less of a chance of finding a girl than I already do.

Thanks for the reply<3
 
I know it's hard but I think you should completely 100% ignore her text messages, don't even dignifiy her with a response of any description. She will get sick of it and give up soon enough. It is hard enough on you that she did it in the first place but it's even more of a slap in the face that she's trying to convince you to sleep with her again. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and building up your confidence so that you can find a new girl who is worthy of someone like you.

It's great that you have a reason to not cut, and that it is actually making you refrain from doing it. I can relate to that because the huge scars on my legs from self-harm cause me a lot of shame and self-conciousness. I can't wear shorts or skirts, or go swimming in summer. And all because of the scars I created. That is my reason for not cutting again, even though sometimes I really want/need to.

But we have to stay strong <3
 
I turned my phone off earlier today for good around the time of the post. It's just a tracfone with like 50 minutes left on it and a screen that's failing. I don't know that many people, anyone that wants to reach me knows where my door is. I just got back from a good 30 mile ride (no clue I was zig zagging through the city of buffalo through back alleys and forest paths and shit, I have no clue lol) I was trying to go see Invictus on UB's south campus but it was rainy so it got moved inside and I couldn't find the right building. Just kept riding, I was 10-15 miles in by the time I got there anyway so I just went into the city and cruised downhill as much as possible haha

I did really good ignoring her for a while, I was set up to get a restraining order(to keep her away from me, cops called her and told me to ignore her and save all the communication to build a case), but I fucked up and responded the other night... I was on friggen 2ci for the first time and went to see Inception alone.. had my phone off, but turned it on to check the time and got blasted with texts from here, I blew my case against her by replying, but I really don't want to do anything bad to her like that, I know she'd end up in jail for a night or few hours or whatever, don't want to do anything to her..
 
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littlegirlblue said:
I am.

Up for 24 hours, you'd think I was ready to rest well. No. Not me. Now I start to become afraid of my sleeplessness, which sends my mind reeling in anxiety.

An hour ago, I took an ambien, k-pin, neurontin and a couple norco after blazin' it up...Seriously, WTF:! I am getting so itchy to find a box cutter, see if another change in the brain chemistry followed by another bowl will get me asleep... Impulsive use of risk-behavior coping mechanisms because I can't sleep?
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Be careful with ambien.... the only time I've ever had a black-out was after I ate 6 or 7 ambiens.....
I came to later at my friend's house, he was havin' sex with some girl on the couch, and I was sitting at the coffee table with a huge pile of drugs and a .40S&W in front of me.
I had started at my house. :\
That was eerie. My bro told me later that I was talkin and walkin around, but I don't remember shit.

Oh..... and stay away from box cutters.... they're unsanitary and clumsy.

And I noticed the change in forum-title. interesting. :D
 
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^^ Sorry to hear that hun :( 2 months is a good break though, good work for abstaining from it for that long!
What lead to you doing it this time? Were you concious of your actions at any stage before during or after the event?
 
Well not to worry sweetheart, just get back on track with feeling good about yourself and forget about cutting, you don't need it <3
 
ya'll know...... this is really starting to bother me.....
I've been up.... hmmm..... 32 hours now? I haven't had an appetite in ages, and I can go for at least 2-3 days on just a protein-shake or grilled cheese now & then.

But I just don't feel like I can eat. Not because I wanna lose weight....
I'm tired of being broke. My fighting-weight in the Army was about 180, and I was the SAW gunner, with a full rucksack & combat load of ammunition, I weighed about 320lbs.... and I had to hump that shit all over the place like it was nothing. lol
but now I'm down to..... 125. wtf
ya'll know about when you're on LSD, and even just the thought of the process of eating is kinda revulsive? that's about how I feel.... almost. Or when you get so hungry, you're just not anymore?

ah well.... I'm gonna shoot for at least 42 hours awake.... that's a nice round number. I have the feeling it has some sort of cosmic significance too..... :/
I've loaded up on red-bulls, and imma do some other stuff too, to keep me occupied.

I really wonder what's happening up in the ol' grey-matter when I'm doing this.... cause I'm getting to the point where it feels like I blazed up a fatty or something (i wish).

Oh yeah..... any Floridians around here?
 
Well.... it's kinda on purpose. I just decide not to go to sleep, especially if I'm doing something. Then I don't really think about it.

I noticed I've been able to wake up at will too. Like last time I slept, I didn't want to sleep for more than 6hrs. Then I was having this really bizarre dream, and something happened.... I can't remember, and I was like "oh.... I gotta go"... then *whop* I'm wide awake..... at 6hrs almost exactly. My dreams have gotten way more.... intense.... lately too.

I dunno... I'm just not likin sleep too much lately. I wonder if I just stay up long enough, I'll pass out and never wake back up. that'd be nice.
 
I've read a few people here on Bluelight talk about using sleep deprivation for spiritual/introspection and/or recreational purposes (with or without the aide of substances). After a certain period of time (50+ hours or so?) you can definitely experience hallucinations and changes in your thought processes.
When I was younger I imagine I could've done it, but not now. In the last couple of years I have really come to appreciate my sleep too much :D
 
n3ophy7e said:
After a certain period of time (50+ hours or so?) you can definitely experience hallucinations and changes in your thought processes.
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Oh... I'm definitely there. I've blacked out like twice for maybe an hour, but they were more like periods of unconsciousness, rather than sleep. And as I've mentioned, I have no appetite anymore, so it's not like I'm eating anything. it's strange I can do things like this rather lucidly, but the moment I stop and go just kinda let my thoughts go (like while watching tv), things start to get heavy.
Before I was really unhappy about it, but now that I've gotten my like third-wind, I'm really curious to see how far I can push it. I'd write about it in a journal or whatever, but my hands are shaking too much to write straight.
 
Too shaky for typing?

Ixchellian said:
Before I was really unhappy about it, but now that I've gotten my like third-wind, I'm really curious to see how far I can push it. I'd write about it in a journal or whatever, but my hands are shaking too much to write straight.
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You can always go the route of the good ole word processor and keyboard if you feel comfortable typing. It would be interesting to see what you produced this deep into sleep dep!
On a totally different subject, the box cutters ARE... too dull for my liking, but they are plentiful in retail. and I ALWAYS scorch 'em with a lighter before hand because it hurts more and it is sterile. Still, Ixchellian, you've got me thinking of finding a new tool. [sorry hun, I must interject, it's against the spirit/purpose of the thread to ask other members for advice on different ways to harm yourself - n3o]
 
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^^ lgb I would love to see you getting some help with your cutting hun. I wish you weren't still doing this to yourself :(

Jekyll and Hyde said:
I cut myself for the first time recently, I'm not sure what that means or why I did it.
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What lead you to doing it J&H? Do you feel like you want to do it again?
How's everything else going for you at the moment?


billyswifey, so good to hear you're doing well hun!! <3
 
what is it now..... day four? i think so, I lost track of time. I thought yesterday was Friday, and I started this on monday/tuesday-ish.

oh well.

a lot of it is not fun anymore, but at least the seeing shit is cool. I'm starting to wish I could sleep... i'm just afraid of what I'll have when I get there.
 
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