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so my days are not as bright lately... probably wd-ing from stuff for the past week... not sure. maybe being more sober-ish lets me see how fucking pointless it all is and how far we have come to self extinction.
i know i am not alone in these feelings but wtf happened to trying to make things "better"? seems we all have just said fuck it why even try gimme me. lol
 
6am-64-14m said:
so my days are not as bright lately... probably wd-ing from stuff for the past week... not sure. maybe being more sober-ish lets me see how fucking pointless it all is and how far we have come to self extinction.
i know i am not alone in these feelings but wtf happened to trying to make things "better"? seems we all have just said fuck it why even try gimme me. lol
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I feel you man, I've been having mood swings, anger and anxiety attacks, just from listening to the news or radio. Earth is burning, people are starving, everything is fucked and it seems like nobody cares.

Serious existential dread.

I just try to avoid it as much as I can, but you can't avoid all the bad news all the time.

I just went on a long jog/walk through the woods, it seems to be my only solace now and then. That and snuggling with my kitty.

All we can do is cope as best we can. I look to the squirrels who are content at finding nuts and don't listen to the news. They seem happy. I want to be like a squirrel.
 
Just found out via Instagram that an acquaintance from the 9th grade died last year.

Jesus fucking Christ. We weren’t close and I only hung out with her a few times, but it is fucking with me a tiny bit.

Not sure how she died, but I presume that it was suicide or (far less likely) an overdose.
 
Warning **Long read**:

One year clean after last years one time slip. Filed for divorce last month from my abusive ex. Abusive in every, any way possible. Last yea, he once spiked my methadone with nalaxone and on a separate occasion I attempted suicide with a few non narcotic aka non opioid medications. Paramedics arrived after I was black out seizing and ex told them I had also shot up two bags of fentanyl. I didn’t. I was on 135 mg methadone maintaince at the time. So, of course they hit with Narcan…then, hit again. I was not waking up But still breathing. Third narcan shot and I stopped breathing. Spent a week in a coma with a machine breathing for me. Ex didn’t say a peep about me being on methadone, so I went almost that whole week unmedicated. Doctors thought I was gonna die within a matter of days. Somehow someone reached out or got a call from my clinic phone and confirmed I was a patient. They were too scared to give me my regular dose at the point since I was in such agonizing withdrawal on top of fighting through the suicidal level of pills I ingested, so they halved it. By the end of the day I could breathe on my own. Filing for divorce finally and ex has done anything possible to make me miserable. 13 days til our house sale closing and I don’t ever have to see him again.
About 3 days ago I started feeling really sick and it got progressively worse. Took my methadone dose yesterday morning (I get 2 weeks of doses at a time) and not only felt no relief, but actually felt even sicker. Pupils always constrict about an hour after I take my dose. Instead, my pupils were like saucers and I had every telltale opiate withdrawal sign I could recognize. Ex asked me several time out the blue how was i feeling, even came out and said the other night, “How are you NOT sick?”. Ofc I was clueless….til I saw An empty narcan bottle at the top of the garbage night before last. wasn’t given any kind of answer for why it was there. My mind immediately began digging to remember the prior incident and the hospital OD had never made me think anything unsavory until I went back and read my actual hospital discharge paperwork. Paramedics Made a statement that it was reported at the scene I’d taken several meds + 2 bags of fentanyl. He was the only other person there). Hospital toxicology screen done the night I was admitted came up negative for any kind of opiate except Methadone.
Today ex insisted I use with him one last time before we split. I said why, to kill me, get me arrested, get DCF involved…. Now he must know Ive been in a shitty state of withdrawal for going on 4 days now And I’m sure he was enjoying it. I wanted to say absolutely not, I don’t trust him a single bit, but of course, he knows I’m so so so sick. I let him shoot me with a speed ball. I inspected the coke and dope, since I did not want a large amount of either and I definitely didn’t want fent. Obviously, I can’t blame him for me giving in, I could have stuck to my guns…but I was weak. After the shot I was stuck for a good ten minutes it felt like rush wouldn’t stop and just grew in intensity. Bell ringer? More like every sound was warped, loud then quiet then twisted and almost psychedelic sounding. Could hardly catch my breath. for all I know he had wished I wasn’t gonna be able to handle it and simply OD. I know it sounds insane…but to tell all the things he done and said would paint a more accurate picture of the sick monster he really is. I even note In my phone with thmy date and time saying “Ex’s name” asked I take a shot with him “for old times sake, before the divorce”, and I was terrified. I ended it saying I did not intentionally hurt myself or try to OD. If I was found that way, it was planned.
might be why I’m writing this all out here…I had been in on abusive relationship previously, but that was a cake all compared to this… not single category out there that he did not abuse me in. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually… I’m sick thinking about it. I swore I’d never allow anyone To treat me any less than how I deserve. I just feel weak, defeated. Thank you for reading.

Tldr; Abusive ex spouse continues to try and wear down my crumbling grip on life.
 
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Kinda been up and down of late. Been stressing about my legal situation again and dealing with the rebound anxiety from stopping benzos. I've got my "substance abuse assessment" bullshit later today, where the therapist will recommend whatever nonsense they think is appropriate for me to fulfill the state ASAP requirements. I'm sure it's literally a one size fits all catch all, and they'll recommend the maximum amount of horse shit and hoops to jump through. Even though on paper I've been sober for over a year at this point. It's a shame that the punitive nature of our justice system is used in such a shallow and reprehensible fashion, as it just sucks up people's money and positive energy, and funnels it all into these nonsense mini industries they label as a type of "therapy". My probation WAS supposed to end next month, but now I've got this bullshit driving on a revoked charge from April and they're threatening me with fucking jail time. So I'm just dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety related to all of this, as it's seemingly unending and I seriously cannot catch a damn break for once in my life.

I just have to stop and be grateful. For what I do have. Which is more than enough. I know I am alternately blessed and cursed in a tragic feedback loop. I just have to deal with it, be strong, and allow myself to gather strength and momentum. Unfortunately it's rather easy for me to say these things, but another thing entirely to actually put forth the actions necessary to change my behavior and stop being my own worst enemy. In due time, I reckon. In due time.
 
deficiT said:
Kinda been up and down of late. Been stressing about my legal situation again and dealing with the rebound anxiety from stopping benzos. I've got my "substance abuse assessment" bullshit later today, where the therapist will recommend whatever nonsense they think is appropriate for me to fulfill the state ASAP requirements. I'm sure it's literally a one size fits all catch all, and they'll recommend the maximum amount of horse shit and hoops to jump through. Even though on paper I've been sober for over a year at this point. It's a shame that the punitive nature of our justice system is used in such a shallow and reprehensible fashion, as it just sucks up people's money and positive energy, and funnels it all into these nonsense mini industries they label as a type of "therapy". My probation WAS supposed to end next month, but now I've got this bullshit driving on a revoked charge from April and they're threatening me with fucking jail time. So I'm just dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety related to all of this, as it's seemingly unending and I seriously cannot catch a damn break for once in my life.

I just have to stop and be grateful. For what I do have. Which is more than enough. I know I am alternately blessed and cursed in a tragic feedback loop. I just have to deal with it, be strong, and allow myself to gather strength and momentum. Unfortunately it's rather easy for me to say these things, but another thing entirely to actually put forth the actions necessary to change my behavior and stop being my own worst enemy. In due time, I reckon. In due time.
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Still working ? Still with the gf's family ?

Does all this probation and therapy stuff mean you have to travel back to MD or can you do it all from where you are? I know you got your car out of impound but you don't use it right? How are you getting back and forth?

Miss you being how you were when you were in college. I want that guy back. I know you had issues then too but you seemed happier and more care free and your problems didn't seem so heavy. <3
 
6am-64-14m said:
sadly i could not resist the dove.
its the manipulative behavior that does most damage to my mental health with it all. makes me feel like a fuckin ass bastard and this lasts for days or more keeping my attitude of life lower.
sorry
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apologize to yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to do better in the future for yourself.
 
Nas47 said:
You must do
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Yes, I must. :love: Yoday is another day, brother.
assclass said:
apologize to yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to do better in the future for yourself.
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My main mental torture is the realization that that 20 could have been used to empower my loved ones instead of my own satisfaction... which is fleeting at best.
Also the practice of slight of hand and hiding it from those that trust me.
Been here before and every time I feel worse and worse.
The only "good" takeaway is that I get a couple hours of "me" time to "recharge" but this doesnt even seem right cause this method is a lie.
I'l beat myself up about enough to resist again... and again... and again.
Loving you all.
Living like I do not.
Paradoxes.
 
6am-64-14m said:
Yes, I must. :love: Yoday is another day, brother.

My main mental torture is the realization that that 20 could have been used to empower my loved ones instead of my own satisfaction... which is fleeting at best.
Also the practice of slight of hand and hiding it from those that trust me.
Been here before and every time I feel worse and worse.
The only "good" takeaway is that I get a couple hours of "me" time to "recharge" but this doesnt even seem right cause this method is a lie.
I'l beat myself up about enough to resist again... and again... and again.
Loving you all.
Living like I do not.
Paradoxes.
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I feel ya man. I fight the battle daily. It's been over 2 years and my thoughts still stray there sometimes. Especially when I am on here. Sometimes I have to log off , take a little break, and come back when I have taken a long walk. Ain't BL's fault. It's the nature of the beast when we mod a drug forum yet still want to stay drug free.

Daily struggle man. Every day. Little relapses aren't a big deal. Have a little " me " time and then get back up on that wagon that carries us through life mostly sober.
 
deficiT said:
It's a shame that the punitive nature of our justice system is used in such a shallow and reprehensible fashion, as it just sucks up people's money and positive energy, and funnels it all into these nonsense mini industries they label as a type of "therapy".
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Totally agree. Draining us at every angle cause they all have their hands in the same money pot and are complicit.
Not so sure we are supposed to "rise" up from my experience and observations.
If anyone can... I believe in you, brother. Misfits and dregs must have each others backs cause we are compassed about by the greed of evil men.
One day maybe the tables turn... my dreams.
always bro
 
Nurse Ratched said:
Still working ? Still with the gf's family ?

Does all this probation and therapy stuff mean you have to travel back to MD or can you do it all from where you are? I know you got your car out of impound but you don't use it right? How are you getting back and forth?

Miss you being how you were when you were in college. I want that guy back. I know you had issues then too but you seemed happier and more care free and your problems didn't seem so heavy. <3
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Yep, still at the gf's folks house, currently working part time at the pizza shop down the road. It's alright, but the hours and pay leave a little to be desired. At least it's in walking distance. Feeling like I'll never be able to save up enough to get out of this situation and my emotional health is starting to wane and spiral. I've just been stoic and emotionally mute for what seems like centuries and I'm really starting to lose patience for shit. Like when I sit and think how much of my life is wasted on each and every minute whim that passes through someone else's brain, it really gets frustrating. Like her goddamn mom, bless her heart, she just insists that every little damn detail in the house be perfect exactly like she wants it. I mean like that's the main thing they'll fight about typically. I mean, my gf could definitely practice a little more patience and grace, and not have to be right all the time in every argument, but damnit if it doesn't seem like her mom is literally the exact same way, just a more "mature" and organized version of looking for petty disputes to distract them from whatever it is they're feeling.

Nah, it's all in VA the charges are in VA so I was able to just transfer it all back to here. Everything is complete except the ASAP requirements which I believe are like ten groups, hopefully it's fine to just do zooms, but I imagine they'll also charge some outrageous and outlandish rate to do the groups. It's honestly just a goddamn racket and I'm tired of shutting up and putting up with every damn insane shenanigan of someone else's conception in this universe. It gets tiring.
 
Nurse Ratched said:
Especially when I am on here.
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This place actually curbs my urges to use. Not sure why. I do know it is a trigger for some maybe I need the distraction. Not sure how this works. Maybe its the connection I feel to the suffering of others in dire situations.
Gotta study this a moment.
Nurse Ratched said:
Have a little " me " time and then get back up on that wagon that carries us through life mostly sober
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Focusing on me is usually what makes me derail. lol
It was focusing on others that helped me get off all that other shit a few years ago.
Me is selfish as fuck and insidious.
Many hugs and kisses, love.
 
deficiT said:
Yep, still at the gf's folks house, currently working part time at the pizza shop down the road. It's alright, but the hours and pay leave a little to be desired. At least it's in walking distance. Feeling like I'll never be able to save up enough to get out of this situation and my emotional health is starting to wane and spiral. I've just been stoic and emotionally mute for what seems like centuries and I'm really starting to lose patience for shit. Like when I sit and think how much of my life is wasted on each and every minute whim that passes through someone else's brain, it really gets frustrating. Like her goddamn mom, bless her heart, she just insists that every little damn detail in the house be perfect exactly like she wants it. I mean like that's the main thing they'll fight about typically. I mean, my gf could definitely practice a little more patience and grace, and not have to be right all the time in every argument, but damnit if it doesn't seem like her mom is literally the exact same way, just a more "mature" and organized version of looking for petty disputes to distract them from whatever it is they're feeling.

Nah, it's all in VA the charges are in VA so I was able to just transfer it all back to here. Everything is complete except the ASAP requirements which I believe are like ten groups, hopefully it's fine to just do zooms, but I imagine they'll also charge some outrageous and outlandish rate to do the groups. It's honestly just a goddamn racket and I'm tired of shutting up and putting up with every damn insane shenanigan of someone else's conception in this universe. It gets tiring.
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So basically you just walk to work when you have a shift and then spend most of your time with 2 women that shouldn't be under the same roof !! Ugh.

Dearly love my Mom but I can't live with her. We are too much alike. We get along fantastic when we are both is our separate abodes.

How do you get along with her Dad.......if she has one there? What are you doing for deficit time? Any hobbies now that the weather is nice? Do you walk her dogs? Do yard work? Get away from the cackling women for any length of time other than when you work? How is the gf's drinking coming along? Does the Mother imbibe at all?

I know you know this but after all your legal BS is taken care of a change of scenery is in order. Fresh start somewhere weird like Vermont or Idaho or Rhode island. Is there anybody , anywhere that you could go to for a little deficit time and to regroup?
 
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