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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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Hylight said:
YEAH 🤕
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How you feeling today Hylight?

I have been having some mood swings recently, but I've been to an online meeting today and it really lifted my mood. So vital to connect with others in recovery - I can easily downplay and overlook the importance of it, but then when I go without it and then have it again I can see the giant difference it makes. Hope everyone's doing well.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
How you feeling today Hylight?

I have been having some mood swings recently, but I've been to an online meeting today and it really lifted my mood. So vital to connect with others in recovery - I can easily downplay and overlook the importance of it, but then when I go without it and then have it again I can see the giant difference it makes. Hope everyone's doing well.
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👍🏽💗 thank you
 
omg. do vitamins help.
sincerely !

I'm just still so down and out.

the new normal ! just when you
think it can't get any worse.

actually if i think about it. it can be worse, so I am thankful for that.
 
Still clean but craving soft drugs or vagina.. What I don't know. It's raining and I wish my girly friend would come by. Made me realize how easy it would be to replace drugs with vagina. The cravings are essentially one and the same. "Help me get away from myself. I wanna fuck you like an animal. Fuck the pain away" and all that jazz. I even keep getting triggered. For fuck sake I can smell her everywhere. I can't even wash it away. I guess it's better than being strung out on heroin though.

@Captain.Heroin hopelessness is the worst feeling and I refuse to let it settle over me. This lock doown is giving me cabin fever but I realized that sinking feeling was just because my girl left. Thank God it resided after a day or 2 to be replaced by regular boredom. I hope you feel better.
 
so i went ALL DAY without a dose and didn't even WANT one. it was hot and sunny today so the pain wasn't too bad either.

i feel like i really am getting better this time and not my brain just tricking me again.
i really do feel stronger this time. something different. i think. i hope.

stress definitely didn't trigger me to dose. even though, i was literally shaking from the stress situation about work. it's terrifying and i still haven't taken a dose yet. however, now that it is almost midnight i am thinking of taking a quarter dose just so that i don't trigger a headache or jump too soon. 😁

and i am so glad that i am just going through this only with an opioid and not a benzo instead.
although i never have really needed to take benzo's that i know of. But probably valium wouldn't hurt.

medical marijuana rules but acute and chronic pain is the worst.

it seems like when i am in severe pain my body will want a dose and my brain doesn't want it anymore if i am not feeling allot of pain.

well it was sunny and hot today and i felt so much better today. it just felt different this time for some reason. i think.
 
well i guess i don't need anything. so i am not going to take anything. so far.
have to cut back on sugar though. before it's too late.
 
well had too much sugar. sometimes i would rather be taking pills instead of stupid sugar consumption and sugar highs forever and a day.
at least i can eat now. but i have to have lots and lots of thc before i can even look at food. otherwise nothing can help.
oh yeah, the moaning thread would probably really help now.
 
aaahhhhh hylight sugar really can be as bad as drugs. in rehab i wasn't allowed any and it killed me, but i can see why cos otherwise i would have totally cross addicted to it.

@somnilicious i'm sure cross addicting to sex is pretty normal too, anything to not feel. i'm too fucked up about sex after voilence and prostituting myself so i dodged that bullet at least.

hope everyone is well. its sunny and i have to work and i honestly cannot be arsed!!!
 
Hylight said:
well had too much sugar. sometimes i would rather be taking pills instead of stupid sugar consumption and sugar highs forever and a day.
at least i can eat now. but i have to have lots and lots of thc before i can even look at food. otherwise nothing can help.
oh yeah, the moaning thread would probably really help now.
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I don't see any problem with treating yourself with sugar after resisting your pill cravings. There's plenty of time to cut sugar out when you're stable and have firmly left your drug problem behind you - when drug cravings aren't a significant part of your daily life anymore, then you can address other bad habits. I've been forcing myself to do positive things like run & meditate every day, but I allow myself to eat junk food in the evening (never in the day) since ATM it would just cause unnecessary stress if I denied myself it, and I am prioritizing being clean from drugs - not being a perfectly healthy human being, just being a sober one. I think us as addicts have a natural tendency to want to bounce back from addiction and go really far in the opposite direction - from reckless & destructive behavior to the most healthy possible lifestyle - but I think living in those extremes is what made us addicts in the first place, so trying to find some balance and moderation is key.

However I wanted to say HUGE props to you for turning down the pills! I hope this is you turning the corner Hylight - you're such a source of positivity and I know you can do this if you put your mind to it. We're all in your corner!
 
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and thank you !
 
Wow I didn't do so well today. I was feeling so perfect and hadn't taken any pills for two days and didn't want tto or even need to but took one anyway so just in case I might get a headache. Definitely took 5mg of opioid. So wasted it is incredible.
Now I need to take a smaller (much smaller ) dose to get sleep and try to prevent a headache.
I still say there was something really bad in the air today. There were allot of chemical trails and the air felt toxic and horrible. o wait maybe that was me.
I felt slower than normal all day today and usually hydrocodone makes me way more productive.
Wait maybe i will just nod and not take the extra dose.
 
Hylight said:
Wow I didn't do so well today. I was feeling so perfect and hadn't taken any pills for two days and didn't want tto or even need to but took one anyway so just in case I might get a headache. Definitely took 5mg of opioid. So wasted it is incredible.
Now I need to take a smaller (much smaller ) dose to get sleep and try to prevent a headache.
I still say there was something really bad in the air today. There were allot of chemical trails and the air felt toxic and horrible. o wait maybe that was me.
I felt slower than normal all day today and usually hydrocodone makes me way more productive.
Wait maybe i will just nod and not take the extra dose.
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You sound *remarkably* sensitive to opiates, I would definitely consider microdosing your way off it.

No judgments at all, I'm quite happy someone can get something out of that.

I'm eating about 4,000 calories a day. I know that isn't "healthy". I ate about 2500 calories in JUST cereal and milk today. "Today" being a 12 hour period. And I had a giant T-bone steak and tater tots. And yes I'm about to eat more and then eat ice cream (...half a container a day of that is... oh god... 1200 additional calories...)

I have eaten up to 8,000 calories per day before. It feels like my body needs 5000 to 6000. This is pretty sick.

Keep in mind 5000-ish estimate is for last 12 hours, I was eating a while before then too. If I was watching *Anyone else doing this* I would totally call them out on OCD binge eating behavior but I'm really thin to begin with... :| I go through cycles of mood swings and eating/not eating. I know this isn't healthy.
 
Sorry about your binge eating CH.
That's adorable, well not really, it's just my defense mechanism for all the red vines I just ate.
☹
😭
. I'm not anymore . . . I'm not.

I know, CH , that you also listened to me about my headaches and addressed that situ. I know I should be focused on a cure through doctor care however, once the hospital told me I had a cluster headache I was able to try to rule out what the cause could be.

Yesterday it was a bit windy almost hot out and so bright and sunny. Buddy and I ( my doggie ) went on an adventure out and about. I took pictures but see I have to jump them from the camera to the computer desk top send them to e mail get them from e mail put them in the e tab gallery then the cloud steels them lol.

So back to the other headache ! CH !!! ♡

So to make a long story quick as possible, the wind was kind of cold the sun . . . Oh wait the wind was blowing on my eyes and then I saw the sun and it was so bright at one point when we were walking into it that I was going to take a picture just to believe it but I thought it would just look all crazy through the lens anyway and i just wanted to get tf otta it. It was horrible
soooo I am getting that borderline zap and hurt in my whole head again all night and into this morning. I took about 4mg hydrocodone or vicodin fck just call it vici it sounds more benign.
took the vici to stop shaking drinking ice water and will try an ice pack eventually

HOWEVER I AM convinced that these headaches are from the sun or that there is something toxic in the air that I keep trying to build an immunity to. I spent as much time outdoors as I was able last summer and this is when these ( headaches ) clusters started.
So now I am convinced that it is the air and DEFINITELY the sun causing these headaches lol.
It is definitely a trigger ☹☹☹☹.
Thank you for helping me CH because most of the time all that I am able to do is ignore it and hope that it will go away !!!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You sound *remarkably* sensitive to opiates, I would definitely consider microdosing your way off it.

No judgments at all, I'm quite happy someone can get something out of that.

I'm eating about 4,000 calories a day. I know that isn't "healthy". I ate about 2500 calories in JUST cereal and milk today. "Today" being a 12 hour period. And I had a giant T-bone steak and tater tots. And yes I'm about to eat more and then eat ice cream (...half a container a day of that is... oh god... 1200 additional calories...)

I have eaten up to 8,000 calories per day before. It feels like my body needs 5000 to 6000. This is pretty sick.

Keep in mind 5000-ish estimate is for last 12 hours, I was eating a while before then too. If I was watching *Anyone else doing this* I would totally call them out on OCD binge eating behavior but I'm really thin to begin with... :| I go through cycles of mood swings and eating/not eating. I know this isn't healthy.
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Thank You for your empathy and your ability to listen so effectively !?
I AM SO F'N GRATEFUL for your kindness and helping me feel so welcome and accepted and so not alone 😭😭😭😭.
like WTF thanksxxxxx <3
 
Migraines might not have a cure. I'm facing long-term physical diseases that have no cure. FUN I know. I don't go into that a lot here. It is more disturbing than death and I don't blame anyone for struggling even if there IS a cure. It can take a long time to mentally cope with health.

It sounds like you are having legitimate migraines the way you describe them. I've had one once and legitimately could not handle the pain. It was worse (I'm pretty sure, it's hard to compare these types of pain) than breaking a bone.

Honestly using the dosages of opiates you are for these symptoms seem very minimal and I'm sure your doctors are fine with you on/off them. Which is probably spiritually defeating as you know you're in real pain but really want to quit as well.

<3

Hylight said:
Thank You for your empathy and your ability to listen so effectively !?
I AM SO F'N GRATEFUL for your kindness and helping me feel so welcome and accepted and so not alone 😭😭😭😭.
like WTF thanksxxxxx <3
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No problem. Even if I'm wrong about what I described I am kind of at that point with benzos. Been mostly off for a long time. Sleep / depression / ptsd getting worse. I know how to medicate responsibly. Not a lot worse shit could happen in life right now... I just need to get back to my old self.

It's probably not going to happen. It probably feels just as spiritually defeating on both sides of the fence.
 
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