Man LMZ, that's a very tough and honest couple of posts you made. I know how it feels to be frustrated with lack of sex/closeness, I was there for a good while (it was about 2 years before I had sex again after my ex). It can really drive a guy nuts. And even worse than that is unrequieted love for a specific person. You can get through this, I think cleaning yourself up as you're doing is the most important thing. Once you can have a pretty normal life and feel good about yourself, love will follow. People are attracted to confident, happy people. As soon as I got there after quitting opiates and my breakup/divorce (it took a while), a really cool girl found me.
So it was my birthday yesterday (32 years old, a good number I think, it's 2 to the 5th power), but I celebrated it all weekend. Friday we jammed and made some really good ones (I have 7 new jams on recording I am going to post when I get a little time today). Then Saturday I went river hiking with my friend and girl and had a blast climbing waterfalls and rocks and swimming a bit in the cold water. I took a new batch of DOC I got for an almost unbelievable price, I didn't have really high hopes for it because of the price and country of origin, but my friend and I both agree that if anything it's even stronger than the last batch I had (which was probably the best I've ever had). I really had a pretty full-on trip, it was glorious. Lots of OEVs which I don't get much anymore and a very euphoric, clean, beautiful feeling. And unlike usual, I didn't experience any vasoconstriction, even after jumping into very cold water. My friend only took 2.1mg and he also had a really great full-on trip with strong visuals (I took 3mg then 1 more after 2 hours for a total of 4mg), and he usually requires basically the same dosages as me from psychedelics. My girl didn't take any but she enjoyed hanging out with us on our trip. Then that night we hung out and partied... I got pretty drunk and my girl slept for a bit at my friends' house while I stayed up and laughed and played games. Then at like 4:30 we went home (she drove my car, which is a stick shift she's never driven before but she did a great job). We realized it was only 45 minutes from sunrise and neither of us was tired (DOC was still going a surprisingly fair amount), so we drove to Craggy Gardens to get a good view. Hung out there until like 8am, smoked a few hitters, talked, snuggled, discussed what all the strange animals sounds were all about, for example what this really weird bird was saying (we determined it was either, "Are you cool?" or "Do you know where the food is?", as it had a very questioning nature to its squawk). Then we drove back but took the scenic route and stopped at this cool overhanging rock that people do graffiti all over (nice colorful graffiti mostly about love and peace - there's Asheville for ya
), sat there for a while, and got home at 9:30am. She fell right to sleep but I was having trouble, DOC was still making me energetic. Eventually I took a long, hot shower to relax my muscles and got to sleep fairly quickly. Slept til 5:30pm, got up, went over to jam again (birthday jam!) and then went to this really cool tapas place I hadn't been to in a while and got some great food and a really great cocktail. Hung out some more afterwards, got a little drunk by accident (birthday shots offered on top of beer), and passed out on the floor until 3am, got up, drove home, and here I am, a little tired but in good spirits and feeling the afterglow of a great weekend.
I'm excited the DOC is so good, I am going to grab a couple more grams and finally nail down that lifetime supply I've always wanted.
I cannot imagine how freakin' WRECKED I'd be right now if I'd taken a whole hit. 
Its been months since I've gotten stoned. This needs changing! Hopefully I'll be stoned soon.
