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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

I don't believe there is any order to such things TBH, I'm not a person of faith in terms of religion so it follows I don't have any expectation that life should be 'fair' in the commonly expected sense.

These things touch everyone's lives at some stage, I lost my mother in law to the same disease a few years ago.

All of that said I can't help but feel that good people shouldnt be dealt such cruel blows, death will come to us all but I wouldnt wish such a way to go on anyone. I hope she has a decent amount of quality time left, maybe now they know what was causing her to be ill and she gets some treatment ( I believe they are going to start chemo) she may get some remission, who knows she could make some miraculous recovery.

When these things come along they remind me that every moment I spend not really living in that moment is wasted and they are so precious.
 
^exactly, tbh I had been grumpy and moody lately but reading your post made me realize again that I shiuld be enjoying life more and be spending time wiith my friends and love ones. I was watching the last episode of mad men last night and one of the character's told his love interest "there's more to life than work." I felt that it applied to me since I had been working so much and forgetting to spend some "me" time.
 
Goddamn heroin fucking goddamn heroin get the fuck off my mind for fucks sake I always knew I'd become a junkie, having a genius IQ didn't prevent that it just enabled me to deduce it beforehand and still fall right into it; I'm optimistic but a huge part of me just wants to nod off and feel ok and I actually feel a tight chest thinking of that, such a restless energy, well I think 30 mg of methadone is really too low if maintenance means this much withdrawal (large pupils, wet nose, by evening time sweating starts too) I won't be able to resist taking extra opiates to fix it, fuck if I weren't broke today I possibly would have but I'm glad I'm broke. Fuck. I kind of want to kick something. I feel again, thought of my dead cat for the first time in months, and miss her intensely too and music.. music is intense which is good I can use that to my advantage, reminds me of my first fentanyl withdrawal where I wasn't too sick to get up and listen to music and it just hit me or something and actually got me through either way I'm miles away from a full withdrawal much closer to feeling no withdrawal and there is some mild euphoria from the methadone especially during the day but feeling again is weird. Whatever I think of if there is an emotional state relating to it, I feel that emotion, quite intensly while naturally even without opiates I'm not emotionally intense I'm more of logic.. emotions should listen to logic, won't try that now just feel alive and accept that and try to like it. Glad I'm not prone to depression at all (I can go into a state of mild mania but never even slightly depressed in my life, well maybe the last weeks of GBL addiction but that was very circumstational). I'm going to stop typing and see if I can sleep, early morning tomorrow and today was hrad enough waking up and drag myself to methadone clinic and tomorrow again but atleast I'm trying so try to end the rant positively. Still though, fucking heroin fuck stop with the goddamn cravings :\
 
I'm female so woman rather, but thanks; I'm noticing how support actually makes a difference my non-opioid friends have been really helpful in not judging and faking a belief that I'll do well haha :) Another day passed, got 35 mg methadone today and hopefully that is the correct dose, my boyfriend got out of rehab today and I proudly confinced him not to go back to heroin the first day and each day is one living from day to day. I don't feel half a negative now as I did yesterday and my family knows and accept aannd its been 3 days since I smoked heroin starting today, that is by far the longest in many months :)
 
^ I use that term for everybody--probably shouldn't;). I'm glad that you have both family and friend support. It's also great that you were able to be the support for your boyfriend. <3
 
well my life is fucked up now ive been made homeless ive lost charlie because of it ive now got no support for my drugs addiction because it's in a different area i just feel like ending it all again now
 
I'm fucking sick of being ill all the time, I'm sick of not being able to differentiate between physical and mental illness anymore, I'm sick of my panic attacks and of my IBS. I'm sick of the doctors not doing shit for me. I'm sick of my insomnia. I'm just sick of life itself today. I just want to lay in bed all day :(
 
The only ever time you had the idea to skype and seemed like you care about how I feel was when K hit on you and you were afraid of my reaction. Fuck you, why am I still awake worrying about you, when you don't seem to care ? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one contributing to our relationship.
 
I'm annoyed that my boyfriend has to wait until the 10th of june to see an addiction doctor about getting on methadone, he relapsed within hours after getting home from detox, I started MMT while he was in detox and I'm doing well I have only used heroin once since starting MMT two weeks ago and that was when I was at my boyfriends place who was smoking it right in front of me while I had just taken my daily dose of methadone which still had to take effect when I got a phone call from my grandmother that my grandfather and her had lost their will to live because of my addiction; my emotions were already amplified because the methadone still had to take effect (that takes about an hour and I had taken it minutes before the phone call), so I was like yelling and crying it hurts me to hurt my family especially my grandparents I care a lot about them and it's not like I'm a junkie on purpose for fucks sake so yeah I smoked one hit of heroin that moment ruining my 10 days of no heroin, so I'm on day three again but seeing my boyfriend who until he will see that doctor the 10th, means seeing him smoke heroin and while I can easily resist getting my own, seeing him smoke it in front of me is too big of a trigger so early on even though my dose of methadone is ok (50 mg every 24 hours; if I'm not around my boyfriend I'm fine), but I love him a lot and especially now with these issues with my family my emotional connection with him is important to me. I'm going over there to see him now and I got 0.5 grams of heroin waiting for me there :\ It will be the only time I'll visit him until the 10th because I want to try and stay off heroin so he'll have to get off it first but I was weak when I ordered this and we're going out to party together tonight and my boyfriend is very depressed and doesn't often want to go out and do stuff so I'm happy to get him out of his house which is why I'm excusing myself this half a gram.. I feel conflicted though, weak for doing it and having to start counting at 0 AGAIN. It's a process though I can't expect myself to instantly do well and never touch heroin again the moment I started the methadone maintenance and it IS working well if I didn't have an addict boyfriend I would be off heroin 100% instead of almost off it. (1 day in two weeks is still a huge improvement from using 24/7).

My mother is going to get help herself the clinic where I get the methadone and talk to this person about my life and addiction weekly or every other week also offers 1 on 1 help as well as group help for family of addicts and my mother is very affected by my problems she often breaks down crying and says she has a hard time just doing her job well and she feels personally victimized by my addiction as if it's something being done to her personally and she understands very little of it she has no tendancy to addiction herself; my father on the other hand is a pretty severe alcoholic so for me it's in the genes. I hope they can help her understand me better and help her own emotional state it hurts me to hurt my family but they act as if this is something I do on purpose every step of the way; ok it was on purpose that I started experimenting with opiates but I did not choose to get addicted :\ And the fact I struggle does not mean I don't care about how it hurts my direct family but my mother sometimes seems to feel like that. I did talk for about an hour to my grandmother and she luckely understands and I talked things through with her even confessed I smoked heroin after her nasty phone conversation but that I'm trying my best and she's supportive and optimistic now luckely. Now I wish my mother could be the same, I hope that the help she will receive does her well she sure needs it -.- Also hope methadone maintenance will help my boyfriend he has worse psychological addiction then I do even because of his depression but his money is running out and I told him if he remains heroin addicted and does not try to get off I can't be with him because I want to overcome my own addiction and he'd be too big of a trigger for cravings, even though I feel it's his own choice to use I need to protect myself. Luckely he's choosing help, both methadone and regular talks same as me, atleast he's willing to try, and as long as he is I'll be with him, although except for this weekend I'll just not visit him until the 10th; which is also something I'm annoyed about I'm used to seeing him several days each week and sometimes every day for the past three years and a few months. I love him but some days he loves drugs more then me :( He says that's not true, but his actions sometimes say something different.

Sorry for the long rant, I don't really know who to say these frustrations to and this thread seems like the right place. I don't want to admit to any friends that I'll be using a bit today as I'm ashamed of doing so, but otherwise I can't really see my boyfriend and I've already not seen him for a few days and I won't be able to see him much these upcoming two weeks out of self protection and I wanted to see him once, and if I wouldn't have my own half a gram (the smallest amount I can buy), I would consistently bug him for a hit of his :\ Well I'm on my way; feeling like a weak lame junkie today :\

Edit: long rant; i'm not even on stimulants that's all my natural adhd energy.
 
ive lost everything this time the woman who was mean to be saving my life has i now i find out had an orgy on my birthday the same day i lost charge and any hope of ever living past the next few days

no this is it very one has turned on me because of something the is nothing left me anyway
 
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Foolsgold, I hope that you will reach out for help. If it is not coming from your family, go to social services. Sometimes it is a lifesaver.Much love, my friend.<3
 
foolsgold said:
these could be the very last post i make i cant take it any more thank you and good bye
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I know it's not much FG but you know you can always contact me, none of us know what waits for us in our future, hang in there <3
 
Allein said:
I know it's not much FG but you know you can always contact me, none of us know what waits for us in our future, hang in there <3
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herbavore said:
Foolsgold, I hope that you will reach out for help. If it is not coming from your family, go to social services. Sometimes it is a lifesaver.Much love, my friend.<3
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thank you two just ive had nothing my whole ive got even less now they have taken charlie off me its just getting to much to take now i am spending my time as blacked on on one thing or the other to stay a sleep unless the is something i need to do

i cant promise but ive nothing left inside of me ive no family or friends to turn to except in here ive been threatened all ready get out of here or some one will kill me
 
I have nothing to rant about in comparison, so my rant is that I'm sorry to see FG in such a bad position.
Fuck the people that put him in such a sad state & fuck anyone that isn't helping.
I wish you the best FG & as always you can PM me if you wish as I'm always willing to talk.
I PM'd you as soon as I saw your post in a different thread.
I truly hope your doing better & if there's anything I can do, even if it's just a sympathetic ear I'm here for ya.
There's many people on here that care, I know it might not seem to mean that much but it does.
I know that the support of you & others have helped me out in bad times.

So my rant is fuck everything that has brought FG down & I wish his situation improves.
 
cant take much more all my life ive been alone abused used threatened raped and now the only thing i had has been taken away from me to charlie jack was all i had left keeping me going i just dont want to be here any more and next thursday is sick pay so i am think of doing it then so like ive said thank you and goodbye you lot take care

ill be around but not much
 
having no real control over certain things s ucks especially @ midnight and can't do shit till morning, stressed on day 3 of another wd. always end up regretting stuff, why i continue this cycle is beyond me + been smoking nasty cigarettes =/ anyways just hope tomorrow is chill and get some sleep soon
 
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