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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

I've only gone backwards in the last 3 years.

I would have been better having been cryogenically frozen that whole time. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I hate feeling so limited in my options and hate being dependent on drugs so I've always got a clock ticking down that's bringing me closer and closer to being sick.
 
hang in tough guys, I know life is hard but I still wouldn't replace it with anything else. Life can be good at times :)
 
@FG As always really hope things improve for you my friend. Haven't been on in a while but seems like you always get the short end of the stick. Sad to hear that your still having problems. Best wishes & hope things improve.

For me bunch of bullshit going on but I'll rant about something simplistic rather than get myself to upset.

Why oh why did Discogs change there API & make it so I get a authorization error when trying to look up music to tag in Tagscanner. I've you've that program for years. Every google search says it works fine. Maybe I'm just tired & not getting it, but apparently I have to enter something for it to work. Maybe it's my Discogs account ID fucked if I know. I'll try that when I'm more coherent. If anyone happens to know shoot me a PM as it's probably something that simple. I'm just kind of out of it atm & not getting it. No way do I wan't to change I've got over 64,000 mp3's organized according to that system I use & don't wanna change it. Guess I'm OCD, well technically think I'm gonna get diagnosed OCPD but meh.

Regardless I got my disability as a result of mental issues as far as I can tell so fucking YAY! there. I have more physical & pain issues than I can fit in one post though most are probably at least somewhat familiar. However, reading through all my severe issues on my disability hearing results, under sever Asperger's Disorder. No idea who diagnosed me with that but with some research I definitely fit the bill. So at least now I know why I'm so different than most people & why I have certain differences. Some might call them problems or what not, but I choose to be proud of my differences & am happy to know why I have them. Just hoping I can keep the disability going as I have a review in 18 months but at least now I can try to start a life again maybe... Either way with the Asperger's diagnosis that should hopefully get me set on disability permanently as I don't wanna fight the physical shit reasoning anymore. I'd rather they just call me mental & give me the disability for life. As my GI/Back/to many to name physical ailments fuck me & have ruined my life yet they've never cared.
But apparently this time they worked but guessing the Asperger's, PTSD, Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Substance Use (Not abuse, :)) Disorder, Dsythmic Disorder, etc. helped more than my horrid IBS & all my other pain issues, so if they wanna give it to me for mental issues rather than physical fuck it fine by me. As both are permanent but they seem to think the physical ones are fixable, mental ones are not so I'm gonna focus on getting the mental diagnosis's to all my Dr.'s so it's on record everywhere by the time review comes around. As I can't work, have been fighting for disability for like 6+ years, been unable to work for longer due to physical problems & mental issues don't help. But now I know why I can do certain things super good (high IQ) but can't ask a grocery clerk where something is without freaking out. So not only did I get disability I got to find out I have Asperger's & find out that it explains half my life, so I guess this turned out to be a good post rather than a rant. 8)

Never really happens that I have something good so, very surprising to me. But anyways I'm still ranting about Tagscanner & Discogs. Why must Discogs be such a pain in the ass! :!

Anyways, hope everyone else who is having a hard time has there situation improve. Still dealing with tons of Dr. shit myself, but at least now I can get assistance thanks to Disability not to mention income. Sorry for going on about that but I guess it's better than focusing on the negative things in my life.
 
fuck this life and everything to do with you want to keep up the fucking bullshit then fine fuck the lot of you i am past caring now all i need is my pay and fuck it i am out of here

i hate this planet and every thing to do with it ive had it no fucking point even bothering any more no will let this shit go they are just twisted sickening bastards getting off on telling fucking lie after lie about me
 
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i'm stressed. it makes it that i can't stop moving my mouth. i have to keep all that stress inside at work, where i'm smiley as can be. and then i go home where i'm alone. and being alone doesn't relieve stress if it's not balanced. makes me crazy. and so often with my mom. you know because moms will listen to whatever, she listens to me and i start talking. but it comes out crazy and that's not fair to my mom. she dedicated her life to raising me and did a good job. so when i talk and sound unappreciative of life, it's like saying her time was wasted on me. maybe that she failed. plus she obviously worries about me. and it's just not quality time like i could be spending with her. so stupid. i'd rather let it out on anyone else. but she's consequence free. pretty weak of me. i've said it changes starting now before. here's another try.
 
All I want right now is like 100mg of oxy and I've only got 40mg (2 pills) till the 6th of July. W/D is gonna be a bitch this time around. I've already been feeling it yesterday and today. God I hate addiction!
 
Went to the doctor this afternoon, which I only do when I am legitimately concerned about something... I realize most of them are dipshits but this guy was unbelievable. I had complaints of stomach pains, vomiting, the runs, flushing, feeling dizzy, lack of coordination, loss of balance, and my lips are numb. Seemed potentially serious.

I walk out of there and the guy gives me a diagnosis of anxiety, anxious, bipolar disorder, and tingling sensation, which I didn't even realize was a diagnosis, seems more like a symptom to me. He said I didn't have the insight to understand my dilemma. Right, lol, I had no clue I'm fucking bipolar. When I told him that I didn't feel like he was taking me seriously, he said 'well, I'll sleep good tonight, I doubt you will.' Un-fucking-believable. Also, zyprexa only has minor withdrawals for up to two weeks, he knows because he went to medical school which probably wasn't even FDA approved when he went to medical school. Hey mother fucker there is something physical going on. It's psychosomatic. Right, my stomach hurts because I'm bipolar.

WTF does mania and depression have to do with any of that shit!!!! FUCK THAT GUY! I want my money back! He is going to get a flaming on google like never seen!

I still take anti-psychotics ass hole, I'm medicated, fuck off. I wish I knew which lexus was his, I'd love to see how he sleeps tonight after I get through with it with my fucking baseball bat!!!!
 
Every day that passes puts me into a deeper and deeper hole.

Being flat broke was way better than being in debt. Can't be bothered worrying about that though. Money I get goes to getting drugs. It worries me that things may never get better. Maybe I've had all my good days already. I've got bad karma right now. I don't do anything to help anyone else or make anyone elses life better. I've been hurting my family for years. I speak to very few members of my family. I'm sort of the black sheep. I don't have any friends. The friends I used to have all have moved far away. They have jobs, girlfriends/wives, and a lot even have kids now. They have a life. I don't do much at all. I have even less. I just don't know what the catalyst needs to be to get me to actually do something to change my situation. Or at least try.
 
Hey Carl, I'm going to try to pick apart your thinking a little bit so bear with me. Try to let the worry about the future go--it is a way for the mind to escape the present and that is where you need to stay. You are understandably depressed about the horrible entrapment you feel--that is clear--but try not to extrapolate with self-defeating thoughts about how the future has to be bleak, what others have or have not achieved or acquired etc. All that matters is what got you here. It is some kind of suffering and that suffering needs to be healed in a way you may not have previously been able to think about. These thoughts that you are having now are the kind that hold you down by convincing you that any hope for change is in the past. This just simply is not true. Maybe the support you have gotten so far has not been enough, maybe you have some unconscious thoughts that you have picked up along the way that you somehow deserve to suffer, maybe you just have not seen a viable model of sobriety that you can imagine yourself in. Whatever is going on, try to be an encourager to yourself rather than discouraging yourself into a deeper and deeper rut. I don't know where to tell you to look for hope in your life right now but I know that hope is what you need. You are a very compassionate man and you need to try your hardest right now to turn that on yourself. For some people the catalyst is simple exhaustion but that is a scary one because exhaustion can also kill you. Be safe.<3
 
its one thing after another was hoping to get some money off the benefits lot but my claim is now not likely to get seen till the 20th of next month so i now have fuck all money and only enough food to last me 4 days at a push no more money till a week on wednesday so i am royally screwed here
 
I started listening to some old songs and then started thinking about my friend Ray... I can't believe he fucking died. It's been over a year now, but I still can't believe he died. Did that happen? It totally did... I mean he died on me... I witnessed him die.... his sweatpants from that night (he took off and let me wear) are still in my closet. I wonder how his three kids are... wtf. I still haven't dealt with that. Maybe that's why I definitely don't want to go back "home" to CT. Too many bad memories. We were supposed to spend the summer drinking beers on his porch. I wasn't supposed to be on the floor trying to help him stop from choking on his own vomit. I don't even know.
 
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