• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

sweetjaaaane said:
accidentally came across 2 roxy 30s taking every fiber of my being to not do them and fuck up my two weeks of sobriety
Click to expand...

If you live in NY I'll conevtake them off your hands.

All joking aside stay strong and flush that shit. The guilt will override the drug and you will barley enjoybit gilr kicking yourself later.

Hope you held on. Update if you can
 
welp, embarrassed to say i did em all through out the course of the day yesterday but am happy that honestly it didn't make me miss it at all i barely felt a thing so back on track today. i had two weeks clean and used one day so i won't experience any real withdrawal again, maybe a little anxiety but thats it. time to keep on truckinnn

but thanks all for the support and encouragement, prob shoulda flushed em,but, hey, I'm human

luck to all!!!!!!
 
For once I think I can keep it short.

Fuck family & the associated drama.
In my case there either fucking my life up worse.
That or making me spend my whole day researching there health issues.
I got enough of my own, I don't mind helping them but in this case it seems like there shit is a scam.
Well where/how there getting treated, so I just get angry & waste my day.
Bad enough I'm in double w/d's. Don't need there shit too.
So as once said by;
Combichrist - FUCK THAT SHIT!
 
I know the thread is past this but...

It bothers the fuck out of me that it's called Obamacare by everyone and their fucking mother. Its called the affordable healthcare act. Fuck, it's like the whole world just accepted the Fox and Friends nomenclature for it.

Rant over.
 
I'm fucking tired of waking up lethargic and with no motivation.
 
^ I hear that. Though my new daily Phenibut dose seems to be helping a bit.
Stupid dual taper.
Though today sucked as I passed out with my morning meds in hand after my alarm went off & woke up hours later sick as fuck.

But then it rocked as I decide fuck it & slammed an 8mg Dilaudid from my old script before the forced taper.
I always needed an assistant, my GF or a friend as I shake bad. Can hit but would always slip out & miss after I registered & went to inject. But tried about a month ago when I couldn't deal with this shit anymore & hit on lucky #13.

Even though hospital trashed my veins. I mean fuck I IV'd for years, hundreds if not thousands of shots & didn't do damage. 3-4 weeks in hospital & I get a blood draw & they tell me that the hospital blew out/collapsed 75% of my arm veins.
Including my old go to's (crooks & the like) but I guess it worked out.
As I think I may have finally figured out how to do it solo as I hit on first try, registered & didn't miss.
Was so fucking proud, stupid I know but damned if I wasn't. No rush though, apparently my tolerance is permanent. :(
At least I caught a nod thanks to the Phenibut after effects from the day before that caused me to do it first place.
Hope it isn't the Remeron I'm on now that's fucking up the rush, only on 15mg now.
Just hoping that it wasn't the Phenibut that let me pull it off, as I was sick enough that I was shaking like normal.
So assuming it just finally clicked & I figured it out.
Here's hoping anyways, not that I plan on doing it again anytime soon. :\
Gotta save those D's for productivity & for when it gets to be to much.

Anyways my rant is Dr.'s, first my GP who is tapering me.
He was my PM & also all my other meds doc prior to all the BS mentioned in prior posts & the like.
Well my therapist gives me a copy of my Psych Referall form that has a priority referral on it due to
"GP reduced benzodiazapines to quickly causing a seizure" & the reason for referral..
"To get benzodiazapines restored asap so patient does not experience another seizure/mental &/or physical damage"
she also had me include a note & pertinent pages from the Ashton Manual.
So I figure I'm good to go when my mom goes to pick up my other script & also the benzo one.
Nope, my Dr. cuts me from 3mg a day to 1.5mg a day & switches from 1mg tabs to .5's & -1 .5 per week.
Smart when the seizure was when I went from 3mg to 2mg a day, as I was at 6mg a day originally.
Note I've been on benzo's of some sort for approx. 15 years & he tries to taper me in 4 weeks to 0.
Fucking stupid I told him what would happen & it did. Luckily I have more than he realizes, that & the Phenibut seems to be covering me, perhaps even more than what I'd tapered.
Gonna have to figure that out & possibly actually cut benzo's more than I have if it is covering.
But yeah how fucking stupid? Cut me quick so I have seizures & damage when it says I'm gonna get em restored.
Fucking stupid, punish me for no reason, just hoping the Phenibut works.

Also trying to find new PM as he did that also.
Tried 100 mile radius, also have my case worker at insurance checking as well. Nothing!
Not one does medication anymore just injections, even tried ones that don't take insurance.
Going up to 200 miles but no luck so far.

So my rant is FUCK DR.'s!
 
God damn, what the hell is up with me? I just can't sleep, nothing for 2-3 days?? then before that, 3 hours a day for 2 days in a row, I think. I am a mess. Conflicted mood swings. Going from being really motivated and mentally energetic, to an emotional and suicidal wreck. I can't physically relax.


How is it logical that from midnight till midday I was 'happy', organising everything, making lists and appointments, being pro-recovery, going out, to crying constantly and thinking very dark suicidal thoughts? They are sucking me in, just the thought of no more chronic pain wants me to give in so badly. Argh, I am so conflicted on this.

Sorry.
:/
 
I am fucking sick and tired of my so-called trusted doctor dismissing everything I have to say after he hears (or suspects) the internet was involved in acquiring said info.
 
hold in there and don't back down with the doctor ive got the same treatment at times then this shit of how i know more than them so most likely better off looking for help elsewhere basically
 
"In diving to the bottom of pleasure we bring up more gravel than pearls.
-Honoré de Balzac

 
i finally saw a gp and got blood work done. there's nothing wrong with me in that sense. which sucks, because that means there's no clear way to address my teeth grinding. it's gotta be related to my stress levels. tons of people online are saying they have the same problem. none of them have found a solution. "medication and therapy." but i'm done with psych meds. a lot of them say it's ocd. one said it's their ocd and it helps to imagine "a clean, glittery sequin on the end of each of your fingertips" and to tap your thumb to each of the sequins. which i already do, just without the sequin bit. along with other weird stuff like covering my mouth. but if it's not stress and anxiety, then it's at least being exacerbated by them.

on some message board where people are talking about it, someone wrote this six years ago to fuck with me ...
NSFW:
Strictly specuation without knowing you personally. Everybody has a reality of which they must contend. Specific elements of that reality might be traumatic, but because it is the situation and one is stuck in it, one might suppress. One really feels awful about something, but pretends it is not so bad. If the situation changes the symtoms should go away. If the situation cannot be changed, then one should explore, find and admit one's true feelings. --knolyourself


anyway, it was horrible today. i can't think straight to do my job. my teeth are fucked up and just a year about they were perfect. i can't run -- the only thing that helps my stress -- because my knee is injured, so i bike for fucking ever and it does almost nothing. it's beautiful outside for running.
 
god damn. my emotional strength is getting better.

i can rise above but i can build walls in my mind too.

i can drown out what i wish not to feel by thinking i've over come the feeling, but the rug is getting dustier

i need clarity. but i see clearly all the time.

i see nothing. but everything i observe.

i need an emotional massage.

let it out. brain numb.

fucking a where's ma Vallhaaalllieeeyyuuuuuuum?
 
I have an elderly relative visiting me and it just sucks. I try to be nice, but I am so deeply depressed. If I take an oxy, it doesn't even give relief, as she kills any high that may exist. I have 4 more days, after today, of this hell. I am just going to have to keep posting and try to make it through without losing my temper. I am not even going to attempt to taper while she is here... that just adds to my frustration level. I will wait until next week.
 
I really didn't know it was too much to ask to have the fucking door shut so I could fucking study. FOR FUCKING FINALS. OHHH, WHY HAS THE DOOR BEEN SHUT ALL FUCKING WEEK? BECAUSE IT'S A BIT DISTRACTING WHEN IM TRYING TO STUDY TO HAVE PEOPLE SCREAM AT EACH OTHER ACROSS THE MOTHER FUCKING HALL. WHY. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING 4 YEAR OLD. I DONT DESERVE TO BE KICKED OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING ROOM.
 
Holy fuck I don't know what to do with all these emotions, I'm losing my mind!
I'm trying so fucking hard to quit opiates, but I just keep relapsing. Then I feel like shit and it just continues. How do I end this rubbish, I'm so tired of this damn lifestyle. My mum finally knows I've been shooting up. After almost 2 years of hiding it from her. Man I don't know how people go for 10+ years doing this, I can't take it anymore, this is terrible. Fuck needles, fuck addiction. Opiates have my ass right now and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Every time I get stressed out, I just end up using again.
Right now my cat has an infection in her teats from her second litter of kittens and they are whining and hungry cause she stopped feeding them. I need to go to the vet ASAP (in about 2.5 hours) and hope & pray that they can give her some kind of antibiotic and give me a bill, cause I'm broke until like Tuesday, and I don't even have bus fare to get to the vet! I'm stressing so hard and I used tonight so I just feel like shit about myself. My boyfriend is out in Ontario at rehab and I'm just sitting here jealous that his parents had the means to shell out 10,000 to send him there in the first place. My mum is already struggling herself, and her (our) dog is dying. on top of that, I have to move at the end of June and I have no money saved up. In fact I owe out like 5 grand. I'm trying to also find a second job which is balls cause I barely have any experience in anything, which makes me wanna just go finish school, but then that reminds me that I do drugs and it's impossible to do both. and nearly impossible to quit drugs while going to school so i have to quit drugs first. Fuck me and my choices. I'm so upset at myself but I know that won't get me anywhere but strung out and I don't want that anymore.
I have to change.
Why is it so damn hard? :(
 
Papaverium said:
Holy fuck I don't know what to do with all these emotions, I'm losing my mind!
I'm trying so fucking hard to quit opiates, but I just keep relapsing. Then I feel like shit and it just continues. How do I end this rubbish, I'm so tired of this damn lifestyle. My mum finally knows I've been shooting up. After almost 2 years of hiding it from her. Man I don't know how people go for 10+ years doing this, I can't take it anymore, this is terrible. Fuck needles, fuck addiction. Opiates have my ass right now and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Every time I get stressed out, I just end up using again.
Right now my cat has an infection in her teats from her second litter of kittens and they are whining and hungry cause she stopped feeding them. I need to go to the vet ASAP (in about 2.5 hours) and hope & pray that they can give her some kind of antibiotic and give me a bill, cause I'm broke until like Tuesday, and I don't even have bus fare to get to the vet! I'm stressing so hard and I used tonight so I just feel like shit about myself. My boyfriend is out in Ontario at rehab and I'm just sitting here jealous that his parents had the means to shell out 10,000 to send him there in the first place. My mum is already struggling herself, and her (our) dog is dying. on top of that, I have to move at the end of June and I have no money saved up. In fact I owe out like 5 grand. I'm trying to also find a second job which is balls cause I barely have any experience in anything, which makes me wanna just go finish school, but then that reminds me that I do drugs and it's impossible to do both. and nearly impossible to quit drugs while going to school so i have to quit drugs first. Fuck me and my choices. I'm so upset at myself but I know that won't get me anywhere but strung out and I don't want that anymore.
I have to change.
Why is it so damn hard? :(
Click to expand...

Someone told me once a long time ago something that stuck with me but forgive me if I butcher it up -- if you wrote down your problems on a slip of paper and attached it to a big tree in the middle of town square. If everyone did the same. Think of how many slips there would be! And you have to choose which slip of paper you'd prefer to have, you would find choose your slip back in a heartbeat.

Man I hope that makes some sense. I guess you had to be there.

You mentioned how you dunno how some folks can do this for 10+ years, well I bet those same people probably don't know either!

Don't be upset at yourself. Try to redirect that anger towards your D.O.C by not using and by not making the same choices.

Lastly, baby steps, tackle each one at a time without looking too far in the future because just reading your post made me feel overwhelmed so I can't image what it's doing to you.

Best of luck.

P. S. Luck = Preperation + Opportunity
 
Tosh.Suku said:
Someone told me once a long time ago something that stuck with me but forgive me if I butcher it up -- if you wrote down your problems on a slip of paper and attached it to a big tree in the middle of town square. If everyone did the same. Think of how many slips there would be! And you have to choose which slip of paper you'd prefer to have, you would find choose your slip back in a heartbeat.

Man I hope that makes some sense. I guess you had to be there.

You mentioned how you dunno how some folks can do this for 10+ years, well I bet those same people probably don't know either!

Don't be upset at yourself. Try to redirect that anger towards your D.O.C by not using and by not making the same choices.

Lastly, baby steps, tackle each one at a time without looking too far in the future because just reading your post made me feel overwhelmed so I can't image what it's doing to you.

Best of luck.

P. S. Luck = Preperation + Opportunity
Click to expand...


I've actually totally heard that quote before, and I agree 100%.
Things always seem to work out in the end anyway... I just borrowed 60$ from a friend she offered it to me to pay for antibiotics for my cat, and some formula for her kittens to eat, they won't stop mewing, and climbing on my feet. The vet opens in one hour, I just hate making them wait to eat, and my poor mommy cat is infected I hope it doesn't go into her bloodstream and poison her.... ahhh my girl, I hope she is ok!!
 
I hope your pets get through this too, not because I have any but because it's obvious you care deeply for them!

Earlier you asked, why is this so damn hard? My optimistic answer to you is, because you are meant to endure it and most importantly, you will be ultimately be so much stronger afterwords when you have beat it! Rather than what our brain tells us which is "uh, you're circling the drain and it's only going to get worse until ya die"

Ok thats it for me trying to know what I'm talking about but atleast my heart is in the right place. Forgive me if I'm speaking out of place because this is serious and I'm learning as I go, like all of us.
 
Just found out that a close and long standing friend has lung cancer :(.....she is such a warm and wonderful person, life is just fo F***kin cruel some times
 
yeah it is sorry to hear that Allein.

Since we worked yesterday my was boss (owner's son) was kind to buy us free lunch so we ate at the lunch room and he mentioned the back history of one of our former suppliers. He mentioned that this super nice owner died of brain tumor. It seems like nice people die first eh? Is it just me or do you think there is some truth to this?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top