I'm annoyed that my boyfriend has to wait until the 10th of june to see an addiction doctor about getting on methadone, he relapsed within hours after getting home from detox, I started MMT while he was in detox and I'm doing well I have only used heroin once since starting MMT two weeks ago and that was when I was at my boyfriends place who was smoking it right in front of me while I had just taken my daily dose of methadone which still had to take effect when I got a phone call from my grandmother that my grandfather and her had lost their will to live because of my addiction; my emotions were already amplified because the methadone still had to take effect (that takes about an hour and I had taken it minutes before the phone call), so I was like yelling and crying it hurts me to hurt my family especially my grandparents I care a lot about them and it's not like I'm a junkie on purpose for fucks sake so yeah I smoked one hit of heroin that moment ruining my 10 days of no heroin, so I'm on day three again but seeing my boyfriend who until he will see that doctor the 10th, means seeing him smoke heroin and while I can easily resist getting my own, seeing him smoke it in front of me is too big of a trigger so early on even though my dose of methadone is ok (50 mg every 24 hours; if I'm not around my boyfriend I'm fine), but I love him a lot and especially now with these issues with my family my emotional connection with him is important to me. I'm going over there to see him now and I got 0.5 grams of heroin waiting for me there
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
It will be the only time I'll visit him until the 10th because I want to try and stay off heroin so he'll have to get off it first but I was weak when I ordered this and we're going out to party together tonight and my boyfriend is very depressed and doesn't often want to go out and do stuff so I'm happy to get him out of his house which is why I'm excusing myself this half a gram.. I feel conflicted though, weak for doing it and having to start counting at 0 AGAIN. It's a process though I can't expect myself to instantly do well and never touch heroin again the moment I started the methadone maintenance and it IS working well if I didn't have an addict boyfriend I would be off heroin 100% instead of almost off it. (1 day in two weeks is still a huge improvement from using 24/7).
My mother is going to get help herself the clinic where I get the methadone and talk to this person about my life and addiction weekly or every other week also offers 1 on 1 help as well as group help for family of addicts and my mother is very affected by my problems she often breaks down crying and says she has a hard time just doing her job well and she feels personally victimized by my addiction as if it's something being done to her personally and she understands very little of it she has no tendancy to addiction herself; my father on the other hand is a pretty severe alcoholic so for me it's in the genes. I hope they can help her understand me better and help her own emotional state it hurts me to hurt my family but they act as if this is something I do on purpose every step of the way; ok it was on purpose that I started experimenting with opiates but I did not choose to get addicted
And the fact I struggle does not mean I don't care about how it hurts my direct family but my mother sometimes seems to feel like that. I did talk for about an hour to my grandmother and she luckely understands and I talked things through with her even confessed I smoked heroin after her nasty phone conversation but that I'm trying my best and she's supportive and optimistic now luckely. Now I wish my mother could be the same, I hope that the help she will receive does her well she sure needs it -.- Also hope methadone maintenance will help my boyfriend he has worse psychological addiction then I do even because of his depression but his money is running out and I told him if he remains heroin addicted and does not try to get off I can't be with him because I want to overcome my own addiction and he'd be too big of a trigger for cravings, even though I feel it's his own choice to use I need to protect myself. Luckely he's choosing help, both methadone and regular talks same as me, atleast he's willing to try, and as long as he is I'll be with him, although except for this weekend I'll just not visit him until the 10th; which is also something I'm annoyed about I'm used to seeing him several days each week and sometimes every day for the past three years and a few months. I love him but some days he loves drugs more then me
He says that's not true, but his actions sometimes say something different.
Sorry for the long rant, I don't really know who to say these frustrations to and this thread seems like the right place. I don't want to admit to any friends that I'll be using a bit today as I'm ashamed of doing so, but otherwise I can't really see my boyfriend and I've already not seen him for a few days and I won't be able to see him much these upcoming two weeks out of self protection and I wanted to see him once, and if I wouldn't have my own half a gram (the smallest amount I can buy), I would consistently bug him for a hit of his
Well I'm on my way; feeling like a weak lame junkie today
Edit: long rant; i'm not even on stimulants that's all my natural adhd energy.
