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Time to admit that I can't stay clean on my own. I need your help, lovely people!!

thanks everyone <3

I am doing well, things would be perfect if I could just stop using already!! I start my new job tomorrow and I really wanted to be off this shit by my first day, but it's too late for that now. I'm HOPING my last dose will be tomorrow morning before work... god willing I won't be able to find any money tomorrow, lol. It's a good thing I'm broke until I get my first paycheck ;p

I'm trying to do at least SOMETHING recovery-related everyday, using or not, whether it's coming on here or reading articles or whatever. I need to stay focused if this is ever gonna happen. I'm trying to explore where my own personal self-induced limitations and boundaries are too so I can eventually get rid of those... cuz I know that in some ways, I am making it a lot harder than it needs to be. Addiction is complicated though, and all the dynamics aren't entirely clear all of the time... I figure it's good to try and learn as much about myself and about addiction in general as possible. Knowledge is power, yo!! haha

Hope everyone else is doing well too <3
 
Oh shit xburtonchic, definitely eat that suboxone soon! and don't take too much to make it last, I find 2-4mg keeps me functioning throughout the day. but like captain.heroin (great post btw) said subs will keep you doing fine! ...but eventually you will have to get off that to, and that's no fun.

I hope things go as planned. don't put off quitting much longer, just get on subs, hope you got em. good luck!

edit: im feelin you tho those 24 hours are the worst!!!! im 4 days in and last night was bogus man.
 
yea that's good advice d-nihl. I really do need to stop putting it off and just do it... I hate the thought of having to be sick at work for a full day but fuck man I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do... I'm actually going to be making GOOD money at this job and the absolute last thing I want is for all my paychecks to go straight to dope.
 
xburtonchic said:
yea that's good advice d-nihl. I really do need to stop putting it off and just do it... I hate the thought of having to be sick at work for a full day but fuck man I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do... I'm actually going to be making GOOD money at this job and the absolute last thing I want is for all my paychecks to go straight to dope.
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hope everything is going well with you still xburton, I just had a "moment of clarity" I guess you could say, that I wanted to share with you.

So we are kinda in the same boat right now, transitioning, and I had a horrible urge today. I went to my first meeting in a week of being off opiates, meanwhile slowly starting to work out a little, eat vitamins, stop smoking, and I decided I was gonna use today. My dad put a piece of paper on my desk the other day with this definition on it:

Delay your decision: Put off the decision to drink or use for 15 minutes. since most urges are like waves, they will quickly build to a peak, then decline. If you wait a while, the urge will pass. Tell yourself, "I can always drink or use in 20 minutes, ill wait a bit and surf bluelights 'sober living' forum instead" :) (distraction).

Anyway, I did this today without even realizing it, and it when the definition flashed in my head it was like, wow, that made it a lot simpler...scale it down dude!!!! don't think about tonight, work on small pieces in the beginning (I give good advice but don't fucking take it lol). im still truckin and I hope you are too!

EDIT: and I know saying, oh yeah, your just delaying the pain by using sub, is a lot easier said than done, but its just something to definitely keep in mind, but definitely do whats comfortable for you right now, as long as it keeps you on a steady routine that isn't revolved around drug use. that's what im trying to do
 
xburtonchic said:
yea that's good advice d-nihl. I really do need to stop putting it off and just do it... I hate the thought of having to be sick at work for a full day but fuck man I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do... I'm actually going to be making GOOD money at this job and the absolute last thing I want is for all my paychecks to go straight to dope.
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what's the update? <3

stay strong and keep in touch
 
Yes, I can't use successfully on my own, staying clean would be nearly impossible. 6.5 months off all drugs, couldn't do it alone, but could probably receive some more help… A drug for me is immense self sufficiency that I learned early on to care for myself. I sometimes do this today and forget there is an easier softer way. I'm in a coffee house where I was 5 months ago feeling grateful to be alive, and actually following through with life, wanting to live.

5 - 6 month ago I was researching ways to kill myself, or driving over the offramp off a freeway in-between work commitments and where to leave a note for my family. These thoughts don't cross my mind today… Sometimes it all feels like a dream, but it's not… Just living again, something I have not done in over 2 years.
 
any updates Xburtonchic?

we're keeping you in our thoughts <3

Smoky said:
5 - 6 month ago I was researching ways to kill myself, or driving over the offramp off a freeway in-between work commitments and where to leave a note for my family. These thoughts don't cross my mind today…
Click to expand...

<3

the thoughts still cross my mind, way too often, and I'm hoping it'll pass too

I'm so glad you're doing well though :)
 
hey everyone, sorry I haven't updated at all... I've been really busy the last two weeks!! I've had barely any time to myself, let alone to go on here and write an update lol.

I'm doing well and life is going just amazing right now... except that I've still been using. The plan was to quit BEFORE I started work, but of course that didn't happen, and so for the past two weeks it's been about making sure I'm never sick at work. That was the idea, anyway - to just do enough to stay well at work - however, I got my first paycheck the beginning of this week, which was small because I started two days before the end of the pay period, but I got my monthly government check and $100 for babysitting around the same time as well, so I've had a lot more money than I'm normally used to having. It was a couple hundred bucks, and it's all gone already. Although I did spend a large portion of it on other things like gas and food and cigs and some other things I needed/wanted... but a good amount of it (probs like 40% of it) DID go to dope, and this is what worries me the most. This is WHY I wanted to quit before I started working. If I have money, I'll pick up more than I usually do thinking "hey, if I get more now, I won't have to pick up again tomorrow!!" but it never happens like that... I'm the type where if I have it, I'll do it... and that's what's been happening. I still do my normal size dose, but because I've been doing it more often, my tolerance has gone up and I don't feel it... so I do another one an hour or two later because the last one was a tease, and I don't feel that one either, and it continues on that way for the rest of the day. Maybe it would have been more efficient to just up my dose, but I'm scared to... I don't want to overdose, or nod out at work, or have my tolerance go up even MORE. Fuck that. So now my tolerance has gone up and I'm not even getting high anymore. I haven't gotten sick in well over a week. I'm terrified of what my withdrawals are going to be like when I do, but I can't do this anymore... I have to quit. TOMORROW. And yes, it HAS to be tomorrow. My money is gone anyway. I could find more if I really tried, and pick up again today, but for what? I'm going to run out of money at some point before I get paid again anyway, the only difference is that this way I can be sick at home tomorrow while waiting to take a Suboxone instead of being sick one day at work sometime this week. I can't do that... not if my withdrawals are going to be worse with my tolerance having gone up. I could have done it when I was maintaining on .1 - .2 a day... then my withdrawals were completely bearable... but I'm up to at least a half gram a day now, and I have a feeling that my withdrawals are going to reflect that.

I really want to quit before my next paycheck comes anyway. Once it does, if I'm still in the midst of active addiction, it's going to be SO much harder to quit. Money is my biggest trigger, and I'll have more than enough to keep myself high all the time. I DON'T want that. Remember how I said everything is going amazing right now? Well, I know for a fact that eventually, if I keep using, it WILL destroy everything. Eventually, something will make me slip up at work - I'll start showing up late as a result of trying to get well enough to go to work, or I'll fuck up and do too much and nod out - and I will lose my job because of it. And I LOVE this job, it really is a great fucking job... I am SO grateful that I got it - full time with paid vacation time and medical/dental benefits and a 401k and awesome coworkers/bosses and an easy commute and free lunches provided once a week (we got Panda Express this week, yumm!) and holiday bonuses and a really good compensation plan (hourly plus commission) and raffles at our monthly meetings and so on... I got hooked UP, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have found this job. It is so much more than I could have possibly hoped to find. I really want to keep it and not mess it up. The other fucked up thing about heroin addiction is the mood swings and the way it dulls everything... I'm not as excited about going to work each day as I should be, in fact some days I don't even want to be there. That's fucked up!! It shouldn't be that way. And every once in a while that hopeless/depressed/empty feeling washes over me, which kills my overall mood. Plus my tolerance will keep going up, my withdrawals will keep getting worse, and I'll get trapped into being forced to use everyday in order to avoid going to work sick as fuck. So I HAVE to quit... RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I need to induct Suboxone before I go back to work on Monday and especially before I get my next paycheck... because if I'm not done by then, my chances of ever being done and building a good life for myself will go down exponentially. I worked hard to get to the point I'm at now, with a good circle of non-using friends, a good relationship with my family, a good job, etc. But I'm well aware that just because I was able to set those things up for myself while still in the midst of addiction, I will not be able to MAINTAIN them as an addict. The addiction will fuck it all up sooner or later, it's inevitable, and I would really like to quit this shit once and for all before that happens... before my addiction gets worse.

Luckily, I now have extra motivation. And it's true, thinking about what will happen if I DON'T get on Subs before I go back to work this week really does inspire me to just do it already and get it over with. I did my last dose a few hours ago. Yes, tomorrow might be miserable... I might be more sick than I've been in a longgg time... but it's nothing compared to how miserable I'll be if I don't do it, and my addiction does get worse, and I end up losing my job and my friends and my family's trust and I find myself completely broke again later down the line because of it. When I'm feeling horrible tomorrow, and that hopeless/empty/depressed feeling hits me and I want to use again because of it, I'm going to remind myself that the feeling is temporary... that I'll be able to take a Suboxone in a few short hours, and another couple weeks from now I'll be finished with the acutes entirely, and then another few months after that I'll be feeling heaps better... and that being in pain and depressed now will be so worth it later on, and that all of the misery I'll be feeling is merely an investment in my future... that the more pain I feel now, the bigger the payoff later on. Honestly, the idea of getting back to a normal life excites me... going to work every day and actually being happy about it, having all that extra money that would have gone to dope and spending it on cool shit instead, getting involved in a healthier and more active lifestyle, being able to treat my family and friends to things, being able to actually go out and DO things... and so on. It's things that many people take for granted, and things that I definitely took for granted myself once upon a time, things that a lot of people might consider boring... but to me it's almost like it's all brand new again. Thinking about living that life instead of the one I'm living now fills me with joy and hope. It gives me something to look forward to and work towards. It gives me a solid fucking reason to do this, FOR REAL this time.

The first day of the rest of my new life starts tomorrow. I am going to do this finally. I'm doing it for the sake of my job and being able to keep the entirety of my paychecks, for the sake of my friends and family, but most importantly for the sake of my health and well-being and one day being able to lead a happy healthy productive NORMAL life. I can't wait!! No matter how hard it gets tomorrow, or how hard it gets at work this week what with not being able to function at 100% (which I certainly can't do when I'm using either), I don't even care... it won't be as bad as being in full blown cold turkey withdrawals at least, and if I can just keep in mind that it's only going to be this way temporarily, I'll be alright... no matter what, I'm just going to tough it out and endure it. I know I won't regret it once it's all over with!!

Please pray for me, hard, if you're into that sort of thing... and if you're not, send good vibes and wish me luck!! I am very much aware of how critical it is for me to do this now, things are a lot more serious and the stakes are much higher than they ever have been... I need as much of that kinda stuff as I can get haha :) Thanks for checking in and for caring... hopefully I'll be around a lot more often now, I'm sure I will be as this forum is an absolutely invaluable tool to me in recovery. This community and all the support everybody gives each other and the fact that so many beautiful souls are all gathered in one place to achieve the same goal and to help each other is a beautiful thing and it's priceless. I love you guys <3
 
Money is a huge trigger for me too!!

I just keep imagining how many months I could go without having anything to do but self-destruct. It's a bad thought. Sometimes I feel like I'm a time bomb just waiting to explode (relapse), and the longer I wait the bigger the boom will be.

You gotta find a way to lock that money away. Contribute as much as you can to the 401k. The rest, maybe give it to a friend for safe keeping? A family member? Anywhere you can't touch it.

Wishing you luck tomorrow.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
<3 xburtonchic <3

I want to just let everyone know to not really read this post, especially if it's possible you're likely to be upset.

I'm only posting this to help xburtonchic because I think this is the best way to communicate the idea. Words are mere objects that describe the forms (Plato's concept). Words don't correctly express forms right, so we can only come so close in truly communicating ideas properly.

To preface my advice, I have 3 and a half months off Suboxone. As you know xburtonchic (but for those that don't know my personal history of failures), I had been on heroin for about 1 year, then suboxone for about 5 or 6 years. It was probably 5 years. Anyways I finally wanted to get clean, and around dec 2013, I quit suboxone. I had 7 months under my belt when I relapsed July 2014.

In Oct 2014, I quit again. It's now Feb 2015.

I wouldn't say everything I'm about to, unless I really think it might help someone get clean.

There's a philosophical/psychological concept I want to share. I have posted about it before, and I will again.

Imagine all possible emotional stances in a continuum, in a V shape. On the left side ( \ ), consider this side to be negative emotions, hatred, anger. On the right side ( / ), consider this side to be positive emotions, love, happiness, contentment. At the bottom dot of the V, there is an emotional void, which normally is felt as depression by ourselves. That kind of depression where you don't feel like doing anything, even if you felt energized, and had plenty of money in your pocket and friends by your side. At this point, emotional void, you could work towards being slightly happy, or adapting an upset attitude, but both feel overwhelming, like too much work.

In our society, we have this western world mental sickness. Part of it is an obsessive fixation with maintaining "happiness". I contend this to be a term delusional happiness. When people desire to be happy all the time, out of a fear of living through all realms of the entire emotional spectrum, they go out of their way to avoid bad feelings, bad emotions, and emotionally void or empty states. In doing so, we create synthetic happiness, synthetic happy feelings, synthetic happy thoughts. We are disingenuous with one another. We hold unrealistic body expectations on ourselves. We pretend to like this version of ourselves more, because we are unhappy with unpredictable and rapid fluctuations around the emotional spectrum. We haven't found inner peace with our true selves. And in doing all these things, in living this way, we are eliminating our ability to have genuinely happy experiences. The "delusional happy" state doesn't fail to work for people; it surely keeps one secure in an emotional blanket-cocoon, only to be shed when we are willing for it to.

When I say this, hun, I'm not trying to say that you are necessarily like this. I just know for myself, I was. And for a lot of people I've seen in the world, I see it in them.

-----------

Knowing this, what would I suggest for you? Well, you have to be ready to embrace the most negative emotional states and physical sensations. You have to be all right with feeling tortured internally. You have to be able to let go, and let yourself go through hell. You have to be all right with all of the negative thoughts that generate in your mind. You can't let them break your will or spirit. It's rough. I have horrible thoughts every day still. I don't think I'll ever have a day in the rest of my life where I'll be entirely happy. Ever again. I used to have days that were entirely great and flawless. I don't mind knowing those days are behind me.

I know you xburtonchic so I know you are strong. For other people reading my advice, you have to be strong too. It's not the only thing you have to do to get clean. There's a lot more.

You have to realize that the little things in life will start to make you happy again. But it's going to take time. A lot of time. It's the best investment you can make into yourself and your future, to let yourself go through hell now.

The most important thing is you have to learn to love yourself. I know I didn't and I still don't. I hate myself. I'm working on it. I might never love myself but I won't stop trying.

I didn't actually address many of your original post questions, so I'll post again and let you know what I'd do/what I've done :)
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This reminds me so much of a quote from the great Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist teacher.

“Are the great spiritual teachings really advocating that we fight evil because we are on the side of light, the side of peace? Are they telling us to fight against that other 'undesirable' side, the bad and the black. That is a big question. If there is wisdom in the sacred teachings, there should not be any war. As long as a person is involved with warfare, trying to defend or attack, then his action is not sacred; it is mundane, dualistic, a battlefield situation.”

He is talking about how Buddhism isn't about "peace, love, and happiness", which is a common misconception...... because with all the good comes the bad in one form or another. One cannot exist without the other.

Buddhism is the "middle" way... without evil there could be no peace, and without peace there can be no evil. The contrast in the psyche is what drives us to suffering.
 
I'm 20 hours in and not feeling as bad as I expected to. I stayed in bed for as long as possible. Just took two Ativan to tide me over until I hit 24 hours and can take some Subs. I think I could probably take some now, I have the chills and I'm nauseous and my eyes are running and I'm yawning, but it's all so mild that I don't want to risk it yet.

I'm really worried about this week though... going to work while detoxing. I mean... fuck. lol.
 
xburtonchic said:
hey everyone, sorry I haven't updated at all... I've been really busy the last two weeks!! I've had barely any time to myself, let alone to go on here and write an update lol.

I'm doing well and life is going just amazing right now... except that I've still been using. The plan was to quit BEFORE I started work, but of course that didn't happen, and so for the past two weeks it's been about making sure I'm never sick at work. That was the idea, anyway - to just do enough to stay well at work - however, I got my first paycheck the beginning of this week, which was small because I started two days before the end of the pay period, but I got my monthly government check and $100 for babysitting around the same time as well, so I've had a lot more money than I'm normally used to having. It was a couple hundred bucks, and it's all gone already. Although I did spend a large portion of it on other things like gas and food and cigs and some other things I needed/wanted... but a good amount of it (probs like 40% of it) DID go to dope, and this is what worries me the most. This is WHY I wanted to quit before I started working. If I have money, I'll pick up more than I usually do thinking "hey, if I get more now, I won't have to pick up again tomorrow!!" but it never happens like that... I'm the type where if I have it, I'll do it... and that's what's been happening. I still do my normal size dose, but because I've been doing it more often, my tolerance has gone up and I don't feel it... so I do another one an hour or two later because the last one was a tease, and I don't feel that one either, and it continues on that way for the rest of the day. Maybe it would have been more efficient to just up my dose, but I'm scared to... I don't want to overdose, or nod out at work, or have my tolerance go up even MORE. Fuck that. So now my tolerance has gone up and I'm not even getting high anymore. I haven't gotten sick in well over a week. I'm terrified of what my withdrawals are going to be like when I do, but I can't do this anymore... I have to quit. TOMORROW. And yes, it HAS to be tomorrow. My money is gone anyway. I could find more if I really tried, and pick up again today, but for what? I'm going to run out of money at some point before I get paid again anyway, the only difference is that this way I can be sick at home tomorrow while waiting to take a Suboxone instead of being sick one day at work sometime this week. I can't do that... not if my withdrawals are going to be worse with my tolerance having gone up. I could have done it when I was maintaining on .1 - .2 a day... then my withdrawals were completely bearable... but I'm up to at least a half gram a day now, and I have a feeling that my withdrawals are going to reflect that.

I really want to quit before my next paycheck comes anyway. Once it does, if I'm still in the midst of active addiction, it's going to be SO much harder to quit. Money is my biggest trigger, and I'll have more than enough to keep myself high all the time. I DON'T want that. Remember how I said everything is going amazing right now? Well, I know for a fact that eventually, if I keep using, it WILL destroy everything. Eventually, something will make me slip up at work - I'll start showing up late as a result of trying to get well enough to go to work, or I'll fuck up and do too much and nod out - and I will lose my job because of it. And I LOVE this job, it really is a great fucking job... I am SO grateful that I got it - full time with paid vacation time and medical/dental benefits and a 401k and awesome coworkers/bosses and an easy commute and free lunches provided once a week (we got Panda Express this week, yumm!) and holiday bonuses and a really good compensation plan (hourly plus commission) and raffles at our monthly meetings and so on... I got hooked UP, and I KNOW how lucky I am to have found this job. It is so much more than I could have possibly hoped to find. I really want to keep it and not mess it up. The other fucked up thing about heroin addiction is the mood swings and the way it dulls everything... I'm not as excited about going to work each day as I should be, in fact some days I don't even want to be there. That's fucked up!! It shouldn't be that way. And every once in a while that hopeless/depressed/empty feeling washes over me, which kills my overall mood. Plus my tolerance will keep going up, my withdrawals will keep getting worse, and I'll get trapped into being forced to use everyday in order to avoid going to work sick as fuck. So I HAVE to quit... RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I need to induct Suboxone before I go back to work on Monday and especially before I get my next paycheck... because if I'm not done by then, my chances of ever being done and building a good life for myself will go down exponentially. I worked hard to get to the point I'm at now, with a good circle of non-using friends, a good relationship with my family, a good job, etc. But I'm well aware that just because I was able to set those things up for myself while still in the midst of addiction, I will not be able to MAINTAIN them as an addict. The addiction will fuck it all up sooner or later, it's inevitable, and I would really like to quit this shit once and for all before that happens... before my addiction gets worse.

Luckily, I now have extra motivation. And it's true, thinking about what will happen if I DON'T get on Subs before I go back to work this week really does inspire me to just do it already and get it over with. I did my last dose a few hours ago. Yes, tomorrow might be miserable... I might be more sick than I've been in a longgg time... but it's nothing compared to how miserable I'll be if I don't do it, and my addiction does get worse, and I end up losing my job and my friends and my family's trust and I find myself completely broke again later down the line because of it. When I'm feeling horrible tomorrow, and that hopeless/empty/depressed feeling hits me and I want to use again because of it, I'm going to remind myself that the feeling is temporary... that I'll be able to take a Suboxone in a few short hours, and another couple weeks from now I'll be finished with the acutes entirely, and then another few months after that I'll be feeling heaps better... and that being in pain and depressed now will be so worth it later on, and that all of the misery I'll be feeling is merely an investment in my future... that the more pain I feel now, the bigger the payoff later on. Honestly, the idea of getting back to a normal life excites me... going to work every day and actually being happy about it, having all that extra money that would have gone to dope and spending it on cool shit instead, getting involved in a healthier and more active lifestyle, being able to treat my family and friends to things, being able to actually go out and DO things... and so on. It's things that many people take for granted, and things that I definitely took for granted myself once upon a time, things that a lot of people might consider boring... but to me it's almost like it's all brand new again. Thinking about living that life instead of the one I'm living now fills me with joy and hope. It gives me something to look forward to and work towards. It gives me a solid fucking reason to do this, FOR REAL this time.

The first day of the rest of my new life starts tomorrow. I am going to do this finally. I'm doing it for the sake of my job and being able to keep the entirety of my paychecks, for the sake of my friends and family, but most importantly for the sake of my health and well-being and one day being able to lead a happy healthy productive NORMAL life. I can't wait!! No matter how hard it gets tomorrow, or how hard it gets at work this week what with not being able to function at 100% (which I certainly can't do when I'm using either), I don't even care... it won't be as bad as being in full blown cold turkey withdrawals at least, and if I can just keep in mind that it's only going to be this way temporarily, I'll be alright... no matter what, I'm just going to tough it out and endure it. I know I won't regret it once it's all over with!!

Please pray for me, hard, if you're into that sort of thing... and if you're not, send good vibes and wish me luck!! I am very much aware of how critical it is for me to do this now, things are a lot more serious and the stakes are much higher than they ever have been... I need as much of that kinda stuff as I can get haha :) Thanks for checking in and for caring... hopefully I'll be around a lot more often now, I'm sure I will be as this forum is an absolutely invaluable tool to me in recovery. This community and all the support everybody gives each other and the fact that so many beautiful souls are all gathered in one place to achieve the same goal and to help each other is a beautiful thing and it's priceless. I love you guys <3
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praying for you hun <3

you can do this

bdomihizayka said:
This reminds me so much of a quote from the great Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist teacher.

“Are the great spiritual teachings really advocating that we fight evil because we are on the side of light, the side of peace? Are they telling us to fight against that other 'undesirable' side, the bad and the black. That is a big question. If there is wisdom in the sacred teachings, there should not be any war. As long as a person is involved with warfare, trying to defend or attack, then his action is not sacred; it is mundane, dualistic, a battlefield situation.”

He is talking about how Buddhism isn't about "peace, love, and happiness", which is a common misconception...... because with all the good comes the bad in one form or another. One cannot exist without the other.

Buddhism is the "middle" way... without evil there could be no peace, and without peace there can be no evil. The contrast in the psyche is what drives us to suffering.
Click to expand...

thank you for sharing <3

xburtonchic said:
I'm 20 hours in and not feeling as bad as I expected to. I stayed in bed for as long as possible. Just took two Ativan to tide me over until I hit 24 hours and can take some Subs. I think I could probably take some now, I have the chills and I'm nauseous and my eyes are running and I'm yawning, but it's all so mild that I don't want to risk it yet.

I'm really worried about this week though... going to work while detoxing. I mean... fuck. lol.
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so glad to hear you're close to getting on the suboxone and doing well with it

just keep your chin high and don't let the little things get you down :)
 
well I ended up copping a little bit more. I don't know why I can't just make myself do it. I know what it was this time... it's cuz I started thinking about how I would run out of Suboxone by the middle of the week. So I justified it with the whole, "well if I just use one more day, I won't have to be in ANY withdrawal at work this week." My plan now is to lower my tolerance and taper down as much as possible before transitioning to the Subs. I need to figure out a way to do this where I'll be in the least amount of discomfort at work.
 
Taper off those subs as quick as possible i have had problems with them myself mostof the time useing them as money haha... Your doing great tho for real i am 39 days clean today cold turkey tho.. Wasnt to much fun but whats pain anyways i look as it i did this to myself took me a long time to get to this point so it will take some time to get out of it.. I feel like 90% normal still go crazy sometimes.. Find time for a meeting every now again if you can find one it will really be helpfull but i only go once a week because the fact i found that to be an addiction in itself the first couple times i went to them.. ended up relasping because never knew how to live life in between those meetings.. Guess its really a whole new learning expirence like being a kid again... just couldnt drive and go do drugs when i was a kid so i lived the life i saw my parents live but when i relized had choices thats when i screwed everything up now i am 25 years old, lived the drug live since i was 16 and dont know how to live normal again because i have those choices to make.
 
I definitely plan on tapering off the Subs asap. Like, as soon as I start taking them lol. Congrats on 39 days clean!!! Cold turkey too, damn... you're an inspiration for real <3

As for me, now I'm just starting to get pissed the fuck off. But this is good. It's better than being stressed/worried/depressed/scared that I'll never be able to actually do this. Pissed off though, now that I can work with...

Edit: I should clarify - I'm pissed off at my addiction and at myself, not you guys lol. I'm pissed off that I'm knowingly walking a fine line. I'm pissed off at the prospect of losing everything I've managed to gain for myself in these past few months, should my addiction end up getting worse or if certain people find out. I'm pissed off that I got myself into this situation at all. And I'm especially pissed off that I'm proving all the people who say I'm just a worthless junkie right. Honestly right now I just feel like I don't even fucking care how hard it is or how painful or even about the fact that I'll have to go work a full-time job while feeling miserable as hell... it will be worth it to never have to feel this way again. To not have to deal with all the stress everyday that comes with active addiction... worrying about wasting gas going to cop, worrying about where to cop, worrying about having enough money to cop... I mean what the fuck. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I'm putting myself through misery every single day of my life just because I don't want to feel extra miserable for a couple weeks, tops? What kinda bullshit is that? I'm done. So done. Fuck this. I hate this stupid addiction. And I especially hate the fact that although I feel all this conviction right now that I can and will do this, I know that a few hours into feeling sick again it's gonna go flying out the window... just like it always does.

I just want this to be over with...
 
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