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Time to admit that I can't stay clean on my own. I need your help, lovely people!!

https://www.google.com/search?q=go+...sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=blur+light+go+light&tbm=shop

Consider getting a blue light.. might make a big difference for the shift work. Our brains a pre hard wired to sleep at certain times genetically. The way the brain determines these times is through the blue light spectrum hitting a optical nerve in the eye.

So we can shift the natural circadian rhythm by introducing the blue spectrum at appropriate times for our work schedule and then reducing it by the use of sunglasses at other times.

So when you get home from work and are a couple ours away from bed then throw on your shades. When you are at work at your desk role the blue light until three or four hours until your shift is done.

Also consider taking melatonin six hours before you need to go to sleep.. you may want to initially try this a few hours before bedtime, after work as it can cause drowsiness in some people.

Fucking with our circadian rhythms, esp on top of constant drug use is NO FUCKING JOKE. Please trust me on this one. it can have devastating effects.. like chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel, and autoimmune diseases.

Your the best burt.. you have to figure this addiction out <3
 
^^ you nailed it.

For the past three months or so all I did was work, sleep, and the neverending pursuit of copping and using. I'm a little worried that I may have fucked up some of my friendships beyond repair that were important to me (I just completely neglected them the last few months so that's my fault), but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself right now. No point in doing that coming out of a heroin habit. I figure anyone who's worth sticking around will understand. If I can't fix a friendship because I was too wrapped up in my own mistakes - and A LOT of that was me trying to stay away from certain friends kids when I was deep in addiction FYI, so I feel like I have a legit excuse, but still - then it was doomed anyway I'm sure. Anyway though, like I said, not thinking about that right now. First things first and that's to get clean, because none of this... not my job or even my friends... ultimately matters if I don't fucking stay clean. I'm going strong though, I got this shit ;)

So yeah, I'm reviving this thread, because I am officially clean longer than I have been since the last time I detoxed and then actually stayed clean for a while, and that means something to me. I am back in it for the long haul :D
 
Xburton, hang in there dude.
Im glad i found this thread.
This morning i cracked it and decided i also need the assistance this community has to offer.
Caught in a loop fucking sucks.. but if i have people like you to converse with, i feel like things could get better for me <3
 
you hang in there too tripnotyzm. it's hard but totally worth it!!

I've finally figured out that "caught in a loop" is just an illusion. it's a self-imposed boundary that we've given ourselves in order to justify staying stuck in the cycle of madness. as horrible as active addiction is, for many of us it's still our comfort zone because in a large sense, it's all we know. we've built a distinct set of survival skills in relation to the drug world throughout our use. one of my main theories is that active addiction scares us, and we hate it, but we know how to survive within it... yet we can't always say the same when it comes to being clean because we never really developed those skills. that's why so many people wonder if they'll ever know how to be happy without drugs, why so many people in new recovery say it's like "learning how to live life all over again", etc. sobriety is far outside of our comfort zone, but the truth is, we can step outside of active addiction and experience a whole new, much more satisfying reality anytime we want. just like any other time in life you step out of your comfort zone or a major change happens, there's going to be a scary transition period where you're going to have to deal with suffering for a little while. all it takes is the willingness to do so and lots of courage. so why not take the plunge, what do you have to lose really? other than a whole lot of pain, guilt, trauma, shame, toxic relationships, and all the other fun shit that comes with being a heroin addict. and when you DO finally find yourself on the other side, you'll also find that all those things have been replaced by things far more beautiful and amazing than you could have ever imagined possible. I remember what it feels like, and that's what I'm holding onto.

I hope something in there helped you. I know it sounds all new age-y and shit, but really it just comes down to basic human psychology when you think about it. humans are good at enforcing self-imposed limitations on themselves. addiction is just a more extreme form of this. we manage to weave an entire WORLD around that particular limitation, we become so wrapped up in the illusion that we stop believing/remembering that there's a different, better way of existence.

things will get better for you tripnotyzm, just hang in there. I've seen you around the boards and I've always liked you, so I'm glad you're here <3
 
xburtonchic said:
Heyy C.H!! Still using, it's the ever omniprescent dark force in my life. I'm forever saying that life would be about as close to perfect as it gets if it wasn't for this addiction. Then I think about how someday, if I keep using, all of these great things happening in my life will be destroyed. I don't want to say it's inevitable, but experience has taught me that there's only so long you can keep it under control before it starts interfering... I would never put copping above going to work, I would go in sick before then... I just mean that all it takes is one stupid little thing, one tiny slip up... like accidentally doing too much one morning and instead of simply getting well, actually getting high and then nodding out and missing work... you know? shit like that. Or before the wrong person finds out, because that always seems to happen eventually too.

And as good as things are going, I'd be lying to myself if I said my addiction didn't already interfere with my life. Although I did goddamn GOOD at making my money last this past week!! Believe me, that is a huge accomplishment for me. Hundreds of dollars somehow disappear within days when it comes to me and money, but this time it's less than a week until next payday and I still have a little bit of money left!! It will be all gone tomorrow and I'll be broke again, but still... I'm proud of myself!! I've been trying to make my gear last too and have had decent success with that... I'm trying to teach myself better self-control and self-discipline so that, as long as I'm going to keep using, I can at least be tapering while I'm doing it. So it could be better, but it's also been worse. Still though, I realize that it does interfere with my life... just cuz I'm doing better at saving money and spacing out my doses doesn't mean I'm not still wasting WAY too much money on it, not to mention gas... not to mention the time spent acquiring it. That's time spent away from maintaining my social life (I've cut out A LOT of the fat so that 90% of my friends are now non-addicts or are in recovery) and time away from spending time with my family and time away from taking care of my own self/responsibilities. I mean, I wanna go on a shopping spree damn it!! And I could, if I didn't waste most of my money on stupid shit. it's easy to forget that though, so easy to justify my addiction without even realizing I'm doing it...

honestly though you guys, I feel like I'm heading towards the final exit. I can't take this for much longer and I really don't think I could handle it if I lost everything again. I mean, I would handle it... just like I've handled every other shitty thing that's happened in my life up to this point... but I don't think I would find another job as amazing as this one, and I don't think some of my friends would give me yet another chance, and I don't think my family would EVER be able to trust me if they found out I was using now... I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm so fed up with my addiction, that I'm literally about to do what C.H said earlier and just say "fuck this shit" and just do it and tough it the fuck out. But maybe that's one of the things that's scaring me the most... knowing that once I quit this time, there's no turning back. That's gonna be it, I'm done, over it forever. I'm throwing away something that has been not only a huge part of my life over the past few years to the point where it has literally helped to shape my identity and beliefs and values and spirituality and character and made me who I am today, but has also been my safety blanket and a pretty damn effective replacement as a lover (minus the sex). It really is like I've been in a relationship with it... for a long time now. I guess a part of me is scared that I won't actually know how to cope with life or be happy or normal without it? That's something I was never really willing to admit before... that and the fact that once I'm done, I'm REALLY done.

I'm starting to get angry. But angry is good... I can work with angry!!

Trying again this weekend, hope it sticks!! <3
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You are talking yourself into believing that your heroin addiction positively shaped your life? Dude, that is text book addict rationalizing right there if I've ever seen it. I'm an addict too so I'm not judging, just pointing out that you got to let go of these "positive feelings" you associated with your heroin usage and your past. Heroin is one big negative to anyones life, period. You gotta think outside the addict mindset man, I know it's hard but I'm just pointing out what I see, because I know how hard it can be to see it in ones self.
 
wait whaaa...? How am I rationalizing and why am I not allowed to learn important life lessons from my addiction? I believe active heroin addiction is horrible, not a positive thing at all. But yes, it DID shape my life positively. It shaped me into the person I am today, and that person has a lot of good traits. It isn't rationalizing my use by any means. It's called taking the positive aspects out of a fucked up situation instead of living in guilt and shame forever.

For instance, I would have never discovered my own spirituality if it hadn't been for my addiction, I would still care too much what people think, etc. My addiction cultivated all kinds of beliefs and positive traits that came out of the woodwork when I first got clean. I know what suffering is because of my addiction and that's given me tons of compassion for others that I didn't have before. I am not rationalizing active addiction by any means. You completely misinterpreted what I said lol... active addiction was, and always has been, ruining my life.

But if I came out of it the same exact way as I was before I went into it, or worse, then what would be the point of it all? I'm not going to let go of the positive feelings I have about my struggles with addiction, because those positive feelings enhance my life when I'm clean. Sorry that I don't want to look back on my addiction and be miserable every time I think about it. I can take the positive stuff away from it and still stay clean.
 
xburtonchic said:
wait whaaa...? How am I rationalizing and why am I not allowed to learn important life lessons from my addiction? I believe active heroin addiction is horrible, not a positive thing at all. But yes, it DID shape my life positively. It shaped me into the person I am today, and that person has a lot of good traits. It isn't rationalizing my use by any means. It's called taking the positive aspects out of a fucked up situation instead of living in guilt and shame forever.

For instance, I would have never discovered my own spirituality if it hadn't been for my addiction, I would still care too much what people think, etc. My addiction cultivated all kinds of beliefs and positive traits that came out of the woodwork when I first got clean. I know what suffering is because of my addiction and that's given me tons of compassion for others that I didn't have before. I am not rationalizing active addiction by any means. You completely misinterpreted what I said lol... active addiction was, and always has been, ruining my life.

But if I came out of it the same exact way as I was before I went into it, or worse, then what would be the point of it all? I'm not going to let go of the positive feelings I have about my struggles with addiction, because those positive feelings enhance my life when I'm clean. Sorry that I don't want to look back on my addiction and be miserable every time I think about it. I can take the positive stuff away from it and still stay clean.
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Maybe I misread your post, but personally, I've seen heroin only crush spirtuality. Looking back, it made me a shell of the person I once was, and that's when I'm truly being honest with myself. This is the case for the vast majority of heroin users I've known. I could never see it in active addiction though, not even when chipping or only using once or twice a week. The drug puts blinders on your thinking process. A prime example of that for me is associating anything good with my addiction to be honest. I'd be straight up lieing to myself if anything positive I got out of addiction wasn't outweighed 100x by the negatives that came out of my addiction. If you think it shaped your spirituality in a positive manor though, that is awesome. I wish it did that for me, when I was still using I sure as hell thought it did. But that was the heroin talking. It was any type of positive association I was making with the drug though that would increase cravings and or relapse, kind of like a way to justify it, for me personally.
 
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well everyone is different and everyone copes with things in their own way. For me, it helps a lot more to focus on the positives that came out of my time as a heroin addict as opposed to the negatives. I've found that only dwelling on the negative stuff about it is what ultimately leads me to relapse again.

I feel like maybe I should clarify... all that positive stuff I'm talking about isn't a direct "positive effect" of using heroin. Rather, it's a positive effect of what my struggles and experiences with my addiction taught me. Like I said, all those positives - my spirituality, the good character traits I developed, the ability to forgive myself for the way I've abused myself and hurt others, the ability to accept my past and my mistakes, etc. - they all go away the second I fall back into active addiction. If anything, thinking of things that way DETERS me from ever using again. I want to hold on to all those positive things... not throw them away!!

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from now and what I'm trying to say, because I don't know how to explain it any better and to be honest I don't really want to. I don't feel the need to justify something that helps me in my recovery just because someone else disagrees or is misinterpreting it. Please don't take offense to that. I only mean to say that I know what helps me better than anyone else does, and if a person doesn't agree with my viewpoints or method of dealing with my past, it's their prerogative to do so and I don't feel that it's my responsibility to make them open their mind to it.

Edit: Oh yeah!! And today marks one week clean!! This is actually a huge milestone for me, as it's the longest consecutive clean time I've managed to have in years. Plus today I went MAJOR grocery shopping and bought all kinds of great detoxing drinks, good vitamins and supplements, and healthy foods (lots of fruit and protein-packed snacks and things). I feel super resolved in my strength today!! Ready to take on whatever is gonna come next :D
 
Hello. Ok, I think I have it. I'm not sure if it's ok for me to post on this thread, but I identified so much with xburtonchic's post. The first half of post #55 described me to a tee. This is the first time I have ever posted. Today is the last day I am going to use and I'm scared shitless about tomorrow. Maybe I should start a new thread and tell some of my story? I'm doing this totally alone
anyway, congrats on your week clean xburtonchic and I hope everyone is having a good day. thanks for listening
 
xburtonchic said:
well everyone is different and everyone copes with things in their own way. For me, it helps a lot more to focus on the positives that came out of my time as a heroin addict as opposed to the negatives. I've found that only dwelling on the negative stuff about it is what ultimately leads me to relapse again.

I feel like maybe I should clarify... all that positive stuff I'm talking about isn't a direct "positive effect" of using heroin. Rather, it's a positive effect of what my struggles and experiences with my addiction taught me. Like I said, all those positives - my spirituality, the good character traits I developed, the ability to forgive myself for the way I've abused myself and hurt others, the ability to accept my past and my mistakes, etc. - they all go away the second I fall back into active addiction. If anything, thinking of things that way DETERS me from ever using again. I want to hold on to all those positive things... not throw them away!!

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from now and what I'm trying to say, because I don't know how to explain it any better and to be honest I don't really want to. I don't feel the need to justify something that helps me in my recovery just because someone else disagrees or is misinterpreting it. Please don't take offense to that. I only mean to say that I know what helps me better than anyone else does, and if a person doesn't agree with my viewpoints or method of dealing with my past, it's their prerogative to do so and I don't feel that it's my responsibility to make them open their mind to it.

Edit: Oh yeah!! And today marks one week clean!! This is actually a huge milestone for me, as it's the longest consecutive clean time I've managed to have in years. Plus today I went MAJOR grocery shopping and bought all kinds of great detoxing drinks, good vitamins and supplements, and healthy foods (lots of fruit and protein-packed snacks and things). I feel super resolved in my strength today!! Ready to take on whatever is gonna come next :D
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That makes a lot of sense, I see what you mean now. By the way, I don't focus on the negatives of my addiction either of course, that is a depressing thing to think about, but rather I just try to avoid thinking about it all together. Maybe that isn't healthy lol.
 
pbuilder - haha ok good, I knew we were both talking about the same thing lol we just got a lil lost there!! it always crushed my spirituality in active addiction too, it's one of the things I hated most about it honestly. I'm on 11 days and my clarity is just now starting to come back... something I'm very happy about and grateful for. I was actually worried for a minute there that I wouldn't be able to find my way back lol

I don't think it's unhealthy to avoid thinking about it. like I said everyone copes in their own way. as long as avoiding thinking about it isn't hurting your life negatively or hurting others, I see no reason to continue dwelling on it. it sounds like you've accepted your past and letting go, you realize that there's no point in constantly berating yourself or reminding yourself of a horrible time in your life. I believe you should make amends and fix whatever messes you made, but other than that... why think about it if you don't have to? we live in the present, not the past. not unhealthy at all :)

imtryin - of course it's okay for you to post on this thread!! we can give each other support :) that's what these threads are for!! and I do think it's a good idea to start your own thread and tell your story. I like having this thread because I can go back and read old posts and see how far I've come, it's immensely helpful. congrats on your decision to get clean. I wish you the best of luck and as long as you believe in yourself you can do it!! I hope you stick around, there's so much love and support on this forum... it's always been a valuable tool for me in recovery. plus you can find a lot of good information around here!! good luck, feel free to PM me or post on here anytime you wanna talk to someone or even if you just feel like you wanna vent <3
 
xburtonchic said:
well everyone is different and everyone copes with things in their own way. For me, it helps a lot more to focus on the positives that came out of my time as a heroin addict as opposed to the negatives. I've found that only dwelling on the negative stuff about it is what ultimately leads me to relapse again.

I feel like maybe I should clarify... all that positive stuff I'm talking about isn't a direct "positive effect" of using heroin. Rather, it's a positive effect of what my struggles and experiences with my addiction taught me. Like I said, all those positives - my spirituality, the good character traits I developed, the ability to forgive myself for the way I've abused myself and hurt others, the ability to accept my past and my mistakes, etc. - they all go away the second I fall back into active addiction. If anything, thinking of things that way DETERS me from ever using again. I want to hold on to all those positive things... not throw them away!!

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from now and what I'm trying to say, because I don't know how to explain it any better and to be honest I don't really want to. I don't feel the need to justify something that helps me in my recovery just because someone else disagrees or is misinterpreting it. Please don't take offense to that. I only mean to say that I know what helps me better than anyone else does, and if a person doesn't agree with my viewpoints or method of dealing with my past, it's their prerogative to do so and I don't feel that it's my responsibility to make them open their mind to it.

Edit: Oh yeah!! And today marks one week clean!! This is actually a huge milestone for me, as it's the longest consecutive clean time I've managed to have in years. Plus today I went MAJOR grocery shopping and bought all kinds of great detoxing drinks, good vitamins and supplements, and healthy foods (lots of fruit and protein-packed snacks and things). I feel super resolved in my strength today!! Ready to take on whatever is gonna come next :D
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I can totally agree with dwelling on the negative stuff = relapse.

I might have my mind centered on accepting how I feel, and accepting my suffering, and owning my shadow... but I don't dwell on making myself depressed. I spend a lot of time enabling myself to be moderately happy or neutral.

However I think it's all about being honest and true to how we feel and how we are in the moment. It's more important to be genuine than blanketedly happy.
 
Dude I totally agree. I learned a lot about the power of being genuine last night and how it can affect your state of mind and the way you interact with people. I've also come to the realization that a mushroom trip is like a metaphor for life... you know how mushroom trips are really mentally-oriented?? and how you often find yourself getting lost or caught in a loop and you have all these ups and downs where you start getting paranoid and/or you're feeling yourself coming close to a bad trip and you have to pull yourself out of it, and the next thing you know you're laughing at every little thing again and all is fabulous?? life is exactly like that, just on a much larger scale. it has it's ups and downs, good times and bad times. suffering is never permanent though. I think once that point is realized, it just kind of sticks with you and makes it a lot easier to endure and accept the suffering. especially knowing that the only real way to handle suffering is to simply go through it, learn whatever lessons you can, and then come out the other side like a phoenix rising from the ashes. true facts, suffering ultimately makes you better equipped to handle the more brutal aspects of life. we all know that it can't be sunshine and roses ALL the time after all lol
 
I'll have two weeks free of the ball and chain that is heroin tomorrow, yay :D

I'm glad my comfort meds are almost gone (Xanax and Tramadol), because I've been noticing that my first instinct when I feel bad is to take one. even though realistically I could easily just tough it out. I *know* that suffering is necessary and even beneficial ultimately, but I think my biggest struggle right now is being able to accept it in the moment, as it's happening. I mean really, no one likes to feel like shit... and yet it has to happen in order for any sort of change to occur
 
xburtonchic said:
I'll have two weeks free of the ball and chain that is heroin tomorrow, yay :D

I'm glad my comfort meds are almost gone (Xanax and Tramadol), because I've been noticing that my first instinct when I feel bad is to take one. even though realistically I could easily just tough it out. I *know* that suffering is necessary and even beneficial ultimately, but I think my biggest struggle right now is being able to accept it in the moment, as it's happening. I mean really, no one likes to feel like shit... and yet it has to happen in order for any sort of change to occur
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I know exactly what you mean, about the first instinct is to take something to feel better.

It was subconsciously programmed by the opiates we were using, since they are so reinforcing (due to activating the VTA).

With time the subconscious instinct/compulsion to "take something" should fade. However, we maintain this VTA activation by using addictive and reinforcing drugs regularly; and this unfortunately does include drugs like nicotine, caffeine, etc.

Sometimes if we keep relapsing it's important to realize that these drugs are fueling that subconscious feeling that we "need to take something" when we're feeling bad. So especially because I dab shatter, and drink caffeine and alcohol, I am aware that when these aren't enough, I can't rationalize using anything else; and in fact, I should take a break from the aforementioned drugs - especially if I don't feel good on them.
 
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