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Time to admit that I can't stay clean on my own. I need your help, lovely people!!

X

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,009
I am what the recovery community likes to call a "chronic relapser". I REALLY want to get clean, more than anything. I just got a new job that I'll be starting in a couple of weeks, and it's time to get serious and pull out the big guns. I've tried to get clean so many times this past year, but I end up relapsing every time within the first week. I just can't seem to get past that point, and furthermore, it's hard for me to get through the first 24 hours of not using while I wait to take a Suboxone... my fear of that first day is the biggest reason why I've been putting this off.

Clearly my way isn't working. So, Bluelight, I am turning to you for advice and suggestions.

What I would really like is for someone to help me build a solid recovery plan. What does your guys' plans look like? What sorts of things would you recommend I include in my recovery plan? How do you handle cravings and triggers? And what did you do to get yourself through that first day?

Side note: Rehab is not an option, neither is detox or any other type of facility. I don't have the resources to do that right now, or the time to wait for a bed to open up at a state-funded facility. This is something I'm going to have to do at home. Which is fine, since detoxing at home has always been more successful for me than rehab/detox ever was anyway... lol.

Thanks everyone. I'm sure you're all tired of seeing me come back on here after relapsing for the millionth time. :(
 
xburtonchic are you in southern CA? Check out Tommy Rosen's recovery 2.0 website and blog.

I don't think anyone here is sick of you coming back. Yours is always a welcome voice, welcome presence. relapse is such a common part of recovery for the majority of people. No one here judges you for it and I hope you can move past judging yourself.

I will leave the recovery strategies to those with direct experience but I will say this: getting involved seriously in a meditation class, a yoga class, or some kind of practice that involves your mind/body and spirit will support everything you do in detox and recovery in a way that will be life changing. trying to only address the drug use keeps you on the surface of what needs to be healed. Give yourself every kind of support you can find. Classes like that can be donation only or free. Your struggle really touches my heart because I can see how hard you are wanting to recover, how hard you are working at it. Don't let the relapse defeat you. learn from it, draw strength from it. Love yourself and know you are worth it.<3
 
Hey Burton. Glad to see your hopes are still high. Eventually you can and will do this! I believe. This may just be the time you make it.

Have you tried cutting off all intoxicants, including alcohol and weed? Just something to try. It's always good to try new strategies and it just might work for you (it worked for me so maybe I'm biased).

Good luck

I also want to add on that we aren't sick of you coming back. It's better that you come back and try again than give up and never come back. Because someday it will stick. I'd be surprised if other addicts got sick of it too because we all know how hard it is. Don't beat yourself up like that!
 
AA/NA meetings have been a saving grace for me. I'm now 102 days clean. Taking nothing at all. No subs No done not even clonadine or Imodium. As far as you thinking people are tired of seeing you? NOWAY! Keep coming back, it works!! And also remember, HOPE is the only thing stronger than fear! Keep at it, you can do this!

When I jumped off I was doing 70mg done and still shooting .5 dope. Went cold turkey. It's definitely not easy but it's easier than continuing to lead the addict way. Living to use, using to live.

Good luck! I'm here if you ever want anyone to chat with!!

Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, change the things I can and the courage to know the difference ❤️ Just for today!!
 
First of all I don't think anyone is tired of seeing you here, or seeing you post that you relapsed. I've relapsed a ton too, did so just recently but kept it at one day somehow. We're all addicts, we all know how it is, so get that nonsense out of your head right now :)

As for getting through the first day - do you always always wait 24 hours? I'm just curious, because I can induct at 12 hours no problem. I wouldn't want to suggest something and then you do it and get precipitated WD, but my experience is - I do my last big hit at like 11 pm, go to bed at 1 am, wake up at 7 starting to get sick, wait just a couple hours to be on the safe side, and dose 2mg at around 11 am, and I haven't had a problem with PWD. That way I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs sick all day waiting to dose - I wake up and just have to wait a couple hours, which is totally doable. Maybe you could do that, wait til you're sniffling and stuff, and then take .5 and see how it hits you, if you dont feel sicker take another .5, if that's ok take 1mg, ect?

About cravings and triggers... I just try not to give them too much strength and weight. I have an issue with the whole "trigger" idea in general, be it drug abuse, suicide - anything people feel the need to put "trigger warnings" for - I just have an issue with that whole mindset. And that's not to say I don't have issues in my life where certain things remind me of certain things and make me sad or upset. But I just don't feel calling it a TRIGGER and tiptoeing around it helps in any way. I"m getting off track though - what I'm trying to say is I'm just keeping my eyes on the prize. There's a life out there that I want and I can see it - me in my own place, happy, sober, FEELING, in love, writing, free, safe. Doing drugs is going to make it harder to get there, and thats what I tell myself when I want to use - ever bit of heroin I do keeps me here longer, instead of moving me closer to there.

Are you ambivalent about quitting? You say you want to quit, but if things are ok for you - a comfortable place to live, a job, friends, ect... and heroin is your escape, it can be hard to buckle down and quit. I know, thats part of what kept me using for years. I was ok in my relationship (or told myself I was), we had money to buy dope, I lived a comfortable middle class existence, had my car, my friends. Heroin, it felt like, didn't really hold me back that much.. so why quit? I'm just curious if any of that applies to you - if not please feel free to tell me :)
 
I love N/A but Yes, I must agree, you can remain sober without these programs. This website is an invaluable tool that saved my incredibly painful most recent detox experience!

I find that just believing in bluelight as my space in the world where I can "fit in/more so relate to other humans that will have humanity, and empathy in regards to my “society’s problem I’m contributing to," and just perceiving Bluelight.com as my "stopper," MADE it my stopper!!!!! Maybe just in my mind - but isn't MY mind, MY reality? There are laws in this universe, I've learned via my research while going through the worst withdrawal of my life! In fact, there's a gang of them, in which the matter you, and myself are even made of.

:) This matter can act in a different, unintended original way just by being observed by us on a microscopic level. YOUTUBE QUANTUM MECHANICS SHORTLY EXPLAINED AND it’s super cool. Plus, you’ll pass time during a temptation... I don't believe in triggers, and tiptoeing either! I agree with the previous post, dont tiptoe DIVE RIGHT IN AND UNDERSTAND is my motto - well it became my motto laying on the bathroom floor crying, wondering why this or that was happening - and why it didn't with longer use of hard core drugs (suboxone I learned now is indeed a hard core drug ey?).... ;) I think tend to go against most laws of nature by observing life in a negative way (one which calls for me to do drugs and drink consistently) and I always learn the difficult way...

Remember, never overestimate your power over this disease - everyone needs someone, or something as a muse once we have felt life "not sober." Also, I don't think this time I am going to get rid of all my friends who do have suboxone, oxies, and herion from my phone. It's been a huge 27.5 days with that choice in front of me, and I think I'm succeeding far better this time BECAUSE it's my CHOICE and that choice hasn't been taken from me. Triggers are what we call them yes, but no one can help you with triggers - you just have to be the modern day master of the mind! You can do this, we all can do this soldiers!!! We have felt being high, and drunk or whatever the poison - now it's on our own observation of reality, and observation of addiction that we must master - not mastering how to balance drugs and life. YOU CAN DO IT, OMG IT FEELS SO GOOD. Pray for me to reach day 30 please, or whatever you believe in doing - good vibes work for me. Sending you some!! I'm so stubborn this time, I just know in my heart I'll stay clean forever now - please just know in yours, even if you truly don't. Prentend. Do whatever u have to! Inbox me if you want, we can, text, call. I'll help in any way!

You are in my thoughts along with each and every one of you!

Love,

Heather from Detroit
 
<3 xburtonchic <3

I want to just let everyone know to not really read this post, especially if it's possible you're likely to be upset.

I'm only posting this to help xburtonchic because I think this is the best way to communicate the idea. Words are mere objects that describe the forms (Plato's concept). Words don't correctly express forms right, so we can only come so close in truly communicating ideas properly.

To preface my advice, I have 3 and a half months off Suboxone. As you know xburtonchic (but for those that don't know my personal history of failures), I had been on heroin for about 1 year, then suboxone for about 5 or 6 years. It was probably 5 years. Anyways I finally wanted to get clean, and around dec 2013, I quit suboxone. I had 7 months under my belt when I relapsed July 2014.

In Oct 2014, I quit again. It's now Feb 2015.

I wouldn't say everything I'm about to, unless I really think it might help someone get clean.

There's a philosophical/psychological concept I want to share. I have posted about it before, and I will again.

Imagine all possible emotional stances in a continuum, in a V shape. On the left side ( \ ), consider this side to be negative emotions, hatred, anger. On the right side ( / ), consider this side to be positive emotions, love, happiness, contentment. At the bottom dot of the V, there is an emotional void, which normally is felt as depression by ourselves. That kind of depression where you don't feel like doing anything, even if you felt energized, and had plenty of money in your pocket and friends by your side. At this point, emotional void, you could work towards being slightly happy, or adapting an upset attitude, but both feel overwhelming, like too much work.

In our society, we have this western world mental sickness. Part of it is an obsessive fixation with maintaining "happiness". I contend this to be a term delusional happiness. When people desire to be happy all the time, out of a fear of living through all realms of the entire emotional spectrum, they go out of their way to avoid bad feelings, bad emotions, and emotionally void or empty states. In doing so, we create synthetic happiness, synthetic happy feelings, synthetic happy thoughts. We are disingenuous with one another. We hold unrealistic body expectations on ourselves. We pretend to like this version of ourselves more, because we are unhappy with unpredictable and rapid fluctuations around the emotional spectrum. We haven't found inner peace with our true selves. And in doing all these things, in living this way, we are eliminating our ability to have genuinely happy experiences. The "delusional happy" state doesn't fail to work for people; it surely keeps one secure in an emotional blanket-cocoon, only to be shed when we are willing for it to.

When I say this, hun, I'm not trying to say that you are necessarily like this. I just know for myself, I was. And for a lot of people I've seen in the world, I see it in them.

-----------

Knowing this, what would I suggest for you? Well, you have to be ready to embrace the most negative emotional states and physical sensations. You have to be all right with feeling tortured internally. You have to be able to let go, and let yourself go through hell. You have to be all right with all of the negative thoughts that generate in your mind. You can't let them break your will or spirit. It's rough. I have horrible thoughts every day still. I don't think I'll ever have a day in the rest of my life where I'll be entirely happy. Ever again. I used to have days that were entirely great and flawless. I don't mind knowing those days are behind me.

I know you xburtonchic so I know you are strong. For other people reading my advice, you have to be strong too. It's not the only thing you have to do to get clean. There's a lot more.

You have to realize that the little things in life will start to make you happy again. But it's going to take time. A lot of time. It's the best investment you can make into yourself and your future, to let yourself go through hell now.

The most important thing is you have to learn to love yourself. I know I didn't and I still don't. I hate myself. I'm working on it. I might never love myself but I won't stop trying.

I didn't actually address many of your original post questions, so I'll post again and let you know what I'd do/what I've done :)
 
xburtonchic said:
What I would really like is for someone to help me build a solid recovery plan. What does your guys' plans look like? What sorts of things would you recommend I include in my recovery plan? How do you handle cravings and triggers? And what did you do to get yourself through that first day?
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make sure you eat well, and have family by your side. only friends that don't use and are 100% dedicated to wanting you to see you clean. If you have to 100% isolate yourself from others to do it (I don't recommend it, but it's how I had 7 months the last time I quit), then do it. Forgo social interaction for your sobriety only when you are sure social interaction will enable a relapse. It's not your fault if this is true for you (like it was/is for me). It's due to evolution and the nature of life itself that social behaviors are engraved into us.

make sure you have things that should make you happy. movies, music, art. I am a writer so I wrote a lot (I'm working on a novel, I have over 415,000 words) and I've only been working on it for about 1 year. I made a lot of music. I've watched a lot of movies/TV shows. It's all great for getting your mind back to genuine happiness :)

I don't really have triggers, but I do get drug cravings. I would advise going for a short walk. Think it out. Talk to someone who can empathize with what you're going through.

xburtonchic said:
Thanks everyone. I'm sure you're all tired of seeing me come back on here after relapsing for the millionth time. :(
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I would never get tired of seeing you here <3, you're amazing and I really care about you as a friend. I really know you're going to get clean hun and when you do I'll be so proud of you. We're all here for each other, and I will be as long as I'm still breathing.
 
@xburtonchic
I can relate to what you are going through. I would never be able clean on my own.
I have tried before so many times and it did not work.
I need support, I need to see what people are actually going through.
To share and embrace the pain and my sadness.
BL has helped me a lot! I´m very thankful to be here!<3
 
So, Bluelight, I am turning to you for advice and suggestions.
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Hey Burt:)

You need to unfriend all your friends that actively use opaites or hang out with people that do.

Once your done with your detox I would suggest giving up all drugs except possibly non mesolimbic reward pathway stimulating hallucinogens for the period of at least a year.

I would come up with, implement, and stick with strong plans to deal with the PAWS and addiction. Ahead of time.

Join a gym, figure out a support network.. NA, BL, something.

Get a book on meditation and read it.

Proactive burt<3

We can choose never to eat again, but we can not choose to never be hungry.
We can choose never to drink again, but we can not choose to never be thirsty.

We can choose never to use the drugs we are addicted to, but we can't choose never to crave doing the drug again.

The part of your brain thats addicted is used to playing you like a puppet. Learn how it works and you won't get played.

Go to the library and check out The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom and read it.

You have this burt..

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

<3
 
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Narcotics Anonymous in California is super strong and I know that is where you are at. We are a group of people that all realize that "we cannot do it alone" but the great thing is that when we get together and support each other we find that we are able to stay clean.

Just try a few out, go there with an open mind. Don't worry about the steps, just establish yourself. If you like it find a sponsor! I cannot emphasize how important it is to try several different groups and meetings. Everyone has their own preferences.
 
Thanks so much for your replies everyone <3

ALL of it was helpful, and now I have all kinds of different things to try out!! I'm bound to find a combination that will stick haha

C.H, I really liked that theory you presented. That's definitely something I've really been trying to work on with myself lately, letting myself feel bad and knowing it's okay. You're right, in the western world we have this delusion that we need to chase infinite happiness and feel-good feelings. But in reality, it's not in our nature to be happy all of the time and what we SHOULD be focusing on is learning how to love the very essence of who we are, both the good and the bad. I think that goes hand in hand with learning how to conquer our fears, which is another thing I've been working on lately... fear of withdrawals, fear of being in pain, fear of never being happy sober, fear of loss, etc. I'm learning that sometimes the only way to get over it is to face it head on, there is no going around it. Just gotta buckle down and do it.

You guys have no idea how much your support means to me and how much it motivates and inspires me to see so many amazing, beautiful souls here in one place all working towards/achieving the same goal <3

Trying again starting today!! I'm starting a new job this week and will be working full-time, I'll be a lot busier and won't have as much time to sit there and think about how bad I feel... plus I'll have an actual purpose to work toward again... so hopefully that will help me stay on course too :)

Oh and BlueSaffron, to answer your questions... yes I always always wait 24 hours lol. This is because there was one time when I was already feeling pretty bad at like 18 hours, took small piece of Sub... and while I didn't go into PWD, it made the Suboxone not work as well and I ended up being stuck in a weird state of being halfway in/halfway out of withdrawal for two days until I finally used again. It sucked. Now I wait 24 hours no matter what so I can be completely sure the Subs will be effective. Suboxone used to work AMAZING for me at just 14 or so hours when all I had was a pill addiction. Once I graduated to heroin tho, it lost a lot of it's effectiveness.

And yes, I definitely do relate to the whole scenario of being too "comfortable" to quit. As badly as I want to be clean, when I have money, I use. I do have a home, a job, and a car. However, it hasn't always been that way... I've been at rock bottom too, and that still wasn't enough. So I'm not sure how much having all that material stuff really matters... I mean, if anything it might be even MORE motivation to get clean. I DON'T want to go back to that other place, and it would be nice to be able to actually KEEP my job, home, and car... and I know if I keep using, those will all start to disappear one by one. And it's not exactly easy to get those things back after you single-handedly destroy them.
 
Best of luck on your new job hun!

That is definitely going to be the #1 vital thing you should do. Keep with good life things (exercise, non-drug relationships with others, school, work, church if you're so inclined) - it'll really help.
 
thank you guys <3 My official start date is the 25th, I found out today... I'm wayy stoked on it!! With the longgg gap in my employment history due to my addiction and the felony on my record, my standards were honestly set pretty low on what kind of job I thought I would be able to find... I never thought I would get hired right away at a place like this!! Full-time work, good hours, good pay, holiday bonuses, benefits after a certain time has passed, big company with a great work environment... it's so much more than I hoped for!! I feel so lucky and I REALLY want to be able to hold on to it... so of course the goal is to get clean before I start working, lol.

I'm struggling to make myself just buckle down and do it though :( I thought I had it today, was planning on taking my first dose of Suboxone tomorrow at 1:00 pm... I even made myself say "no" a few times... but god damn it, once the thought "I'm gonna use" gets in my head even once, it just kind of sits there in the back of my mind and builds and builds and builds until it becomes nearly impossible not to, well at least it feels impossible!! I want to be clean more than anything, so why can't I just do it? Why aren't the rewards waiting for me at the end of the tunnel enough for me to stay motivated and to just do it?? I finally caved around 10:30 PM, and I was so disappointed in myself... not only for relapsing when I was so close to getting past the most crucial of days (for me anyway, once I get past the first day and manage to induct I'm usually good for at least another couple of days), but also because I screwed up my schedule... midday is always ideal for me, because it's not so early that I won't be able to sleep through the night prior, but not so late that I have to be miserable for a lot of the day. My last use was around 11:30 P.M., so now I'm going to have to spend the better part of the day tomorrow being miserable unless I can find a way to get the money to buy one more dose and use at a better time... which I don't know for sure if I'm going to be able to do, even though it's already in my head that that's what I want to do, which means if I'm NOT able to I'm going to be both physically AND mentally miserable for most of the day tomorrow... ughhh!!! This is all SO FRUSTRATING, you guys. -_-
 
Hey Xburton! I don't think anyone is tired of hearing from you! I don't want to sound harsh but your just going to have to step up and endure a little pain to re induct on the sub. But don't worry it will not be that bad! A couple hours of not feeling well at most. I usually dose 1mg as soon as I start yawning or at the 18 hour mark. I find that starting with small amounts of sub not only makes PW less likely to happen it makes the sub more effective faster for some reason. If all else fails get a Xanax or other benzo to help you through the transition.

What's your plan after you induct back on the suboxone?
 
I noticed something interesting today. I don't hang out in many Have you guys noticed how on literally EVERY forum on here that's dedicated to doing drugs (or where a lot of drug users congregate), there's hella drama? But in here, where everyone is trying to focus on getting or staying clean, it's all love and compassion and beautifulness? I just thought that was interesting haha. No offense mods, but I so do not miss being in your position... this is like the only forum I would moderate ever again. It's almost amazing watching how much drama goes on between some of the users here and staff in certain other forums.

Maybe a lil off the thread topic, but relevant. Drama is one aspect of drug use I am not going to miss, it exists on Bluelight and off. It's interesting to me how much different the recovery community in general is from that. Although I've seen plenty of drama go on and rehab and in NA meetings, so... meh.

I think I just disproved my own point.

ANYWAY THO. My support system is this forum and that's basically it. I can't tell my family I've relapsed as bad as I have, they've already made the consequences of me doing that clear. I'm too ashamed to tell any of my friends, except for those of you on here because obviously I trust you guys with that kind of info, but idk... I guess I just kind of feel like more people will be judgemental than not, and it seems frivolous to confide in all of my friends just for the sake of "accountability" when it will contribute very little positive value to my life. I believe that in order to have a successful recovery (and this is just FOR ME PERSONALLY), the focus should be on ways I can add happiness and health and positivity to my life, and to cut out and eliminate (or at least limit) the toxicity and negativity. For all I know, everyone would be accepting as fuck and super supportive and not judgemental at all... but judging from the last time it got out and how many friends I lost the last time, sadly I don't think so. There are maybe only one or two friends I can say with confidence that would be cool about it. So idk... I just don't see the benefit in subjecting myself to even just the possibility of inviting extra negativity and judgement and stress into my life... so, I won't. lol. I've gotten clean with only Bluelight for support before though, so I know I can do it :)

My plan for after just includes all the basics pretty much. Start my new job (I'll be working full-time so I'll be busy which of course is good), spend more time with sober friends and family (I do that now too but could be giving them a lot more of my time if I wasn't wasting half my days just trying to get well -_-), start eating healthier and have a regular exercise routine, and I want to start meditating every day too so I can get good at it. Plus all the stuff that's basically a given like getting back into old hobbies and interests and stuff. Soo... yep :)
 
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