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Time to admit that I can't stay clean on my own. I need your help, lovely people!!

xburton if it helps at all (and I dont mean this in a bad way, PLEASE know that), I would KILL to have your job. My day job doesn't pay much, so I took a job four nights a week, that was supposed to be five hours a night... well bullshit this and bullshit that and it's ending up to 2-3 hours a night most nights. I would do anything to have a real job with decent pay and benefits and everything else you mentioned. Anything. I would cry with happiness if I got a job like that, no joke. So just... know what you have and appreciate it, and realize that your addiction can take it away from you anytime, like you said. You could nod out at work or start coming in late or mess up cos you're high. You have an amazing opportunity that probably a lot of people on this forum would do anything for. That in itself is worth quitting for.
 
Thankyou so much for saying that be a first time i been an inspiration in a long time... and dont be mad at yourself for anything everyone makes mistakes big or small in life its how you fix them is what defines you as a person. You will only become stronger from beating this and you will look back one day and smile and say even be mad/disappointed in myself i made the best decision in my life thats what you should be proud of. The pain you are feeling is a blessing in disguise to have a better life. Remember you have not felt anything in since you been in active addiction you got to feel pain to know what real happiness is.
 
hey Blue :) I didn't take it the wrong way lol don't worry!! I do know what I have with this job, believe me I know... when I first started looking for work, I never dreamed I would find something like this. I thought with my record and so much time unemployed due to my addiction, the best I'd be able to find for right now was some sort of minimum wage job working part time at McDonald's or some shit that I would dread going to. I mean, my last "real" job was at a freaking gas station lol. Going from that to this... I am beyond grateful and appreciative. You're right, it is more than enough reason to quit, and you're right, my addiction could take it away at any time. I know this. That's what I'm afraid of more than anything else, tbh. I LOVE this job.

Last night I asked my dealer to stop selling to me and she said she would. I hope she means it. Even more so, I hope *I* mean it and that I don't have anymore weak moments at all. I did my last dose around 2 am this morning. The next two weeks will be rough for sure. But I'm trying to keep in mind what C.H said before... I have to be willing to let myself go through hell right now. Quitting right now is absolutely the best investment I can make in myself and my job. What's a few weeks of pain and discomfort compared to finally being able to have the life I've been dreaming of having for the past few years?? I'm scared for sure, but now it's time to be brave... I've been running scared for way too long... I'm ready to do this :)
 
"You know you've got to go through hell before you get to heaven" - Big Old Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band :)

mos def. Think about it - do it now so you can be feeling decent by summer! Thats what I keep thinking about - what it would be like to be clean and feeling good this summer instead of how it was last summer, I was trying to detox methadone and dragging it out too long and I felt awful physically and mentally, and I told myself "next summer I"m going to be clean and enjoy it!" Well now summer's a few months away - it's time to do this. I am down to 1 mg sub a day, maybe tomorrow I'll try doing .5. I can tell my tolerance is way down, which makes me hopeful. And I don't really daydream about using much - I daydream about being sober and out of WD and feeling good, so I take that as progress.

We can do it :)
 
Yes indeed, and not just feeling good, but also able to wear summer clothes without having to worry about tracks! One of the worst things about being an IV addict is that you're pretty much confined to long sleeves/pants only... I hate that!!

Also, Blue, you're doing such a great job!! I am SO proud of you!! And that does sound like progress... how awesome :)

Yes we can <3
 
xburtonchic said:
well I ended up copping a little bit more. I don't know why I can't just make myself do it. I know what it was this time... it's cuz I started thinking about how I would run out of Suboxone by the middle of the week. So I justified it with the whole, "well if I just use one more day, I won't have to be in ANY withdrawal at work this week." My plan now is to lower my tolerance and taper down as much as possible before transitioning to the Subs. I need to figure out a way to do this where I'll be in the least amount of discomfort at work.
Click to expand...

It's just going to suck and you'll have to tough it out at work, or you'll have to call in sick.

The best advice you'll get is to tough it out. When I was in withdrawal last time, I was utterly miserable, and on day 3 I went out to go shopping. Utterly horrific; at the time, I thought it was a huge mistake.

But in reality, it's good for us to go through hell those first few days, even at work. The reason being, it sets a threshold for negative feelings. It helps so that in the future, when things aren't going well, it doesn't feel so bad. It'll also give you some appreciation of the small comforts; after you've had to work while in withdrawal, that first day when you can finally go home and relax, kick back, and have some food, is going to feel so amazing.

It's really hard to understand why I'm suggesting you go to work sick, especially because I understand the desire to be happy at work so as to keep the job. But you can do it - I have faith in you. You're a really strong person. :)
 
I took off work while i was going thru it bad. The only thing i did was go to school cant miss that of i will get kicked out and i pay way to much money to go to that school. But today was my first day back at work it felt so great to do something productive again.... Might need you guys tho on payday haha8o. Sitting back relaxing now talking to you fine people makes me feel so great!

But yah one of the first things i did was tell my dealer to stop serving me and also deleting every number in my phone. People places and things!! For the longest time my phone was a trigger for me so i just shut the thing off haha. Blue and xburt you are both doing great no lies dont ever give up the fight well worth it... 41 days clean for me!!! Living and enjoying my fine life!
 
^^ Congrats on 41 days!! That's awesome :D

C.H I understand what you're saying and why. I even agree with you lol... going to work sick for a few days is going to be the only way for me really. I haven't accrued enough vacation time or sick time to take any time off, and besides, I JUST started... it would look bad if I took time off so soon anyway!! And you're right, it will definitely increase my appreciation for the small comforts. It will probably even make it easier for me to sleep at night, and that can only ever be a good thing in withdrawal :)
 
Xburtonchic-For friends of mine who can't stay clean or sober on their own they started going to AA/NA meetings daily sometimes twice in a day, got a sponsor for NA/AA, saw a therapist/counselor who specialized in addiction/substance abuse, and some moved into sober living housing. Good luck.
 
Heyy C.H!! Still using, it's the ever omniprescent dark force in my life. I'm forever saying that life would be about as close to perfect as it gets if it wasn't for this addiction. Then I think about how someday, if I keep using, all of these great things happening in my life will be destroyed. I don't want to say it's inevitable, but experience has taught me that there's only so long you can keep it under control before it starts interfering... I would never put copping above going to work, I would go in sick before then... I just mean that all it takes is one stupid little thing, one tiny slip up... like accidentally doing too much one morning and instead of simply getting well, actually getting high and then nodding out and missing work... you know? shit like that. Or before the wrong person finds out, because that always seems to happen eventually too.

And as good as things are going, I'd be lying to myself if I said my addiction didn't already interfere with my life. Although I did goddamn GOOD at making my money last this past week!! Believe me, that is a huge accomplishment for me. Hundreds of dollars somehow disappear within days when it comes to me and money, but this time it's less than a week until next payday and I still have a little bit of money left!! It will be all gone tomorrow and I'll be broke again, but still... I'm proud of myself!! I've been trying to make my gear last too and have had decent success with that... I'm trying to teach myself better self-control and self-discipline so that, as long as I'm going to keep using, I can at least be tapering while I'm doing it. So it could be better, but it's also been worse. Still though, I realize that it does interfere with my life... just cuz I'm doing better at saving money and spacing out my doses doesn't mean I'm not still wasting WAY too much money on it, not to mention gas... not to mention the time spent acquiring it. That's time spent away from maintaining my social life (I've cut out A LOT of the fat so that 90% of my friends are now non-addicts or are in recovery) and time away from spending time with my family and time away from taking care of my own self/responsibilities. I mean, I wanna go on a shopping spree damn it!! And I could, if I didn't waste most of my money on stupid shit. it's easy to forget that though, so easy to justify my addiction without even realizing I'm doing it...

honestly though you guys, I feel like I'm heading towards the final exit. I can't take this for much longer and I really don't think I could handle it if I lost everything again. I mean, I would handle it... just like I've handled every other shitty thing that's happened in my life up to this point... but I don't think I would find another job as amazing as this one, and I don't think some of my friends would give me yet another chance, and I don't think my family would EVER be able to trust me if they found out I was using now... I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm so fed up with my addiction, that I'm literally about to do what C.H said earlier and just say "fuck this shit" and just do it and tough it the fuck out. But maybe that's one of the things that's scaring me the most... knowing that once I quit this time, there's no turning back. That's gonna be it, I'm done, over it forever. I'm throwing away something that has been not only a huge part of my life over the past few years to the point where it has literally helped to shape my identity and beliefs and values and spirituality and character and made me who I am today, but has also been my safety blanket and a pretty damn effective replacement as a lover (minus the sex). It really is like I've been in a relationship with it... for a long time now. I guess a part of me is scared that I won't actually know how to cope with life or be happy or normal without it? That's something I was never really willing to admit before... that and the fact that once I'm done, I'm REALLY done.

I'm starting to get angry. But angry is good... I can work with angry!!

Trying again this weekend, hope it sticks!! <3
 
xburtonchic said:
But maybe that's one of the things that's scaring me the most... knowing that once I quit this time, there's no turning back. That's gonna be it, I'm done, over it forever. I'm throwing away something that has been not only a huge part of my life over the past few years to the point where it has literally helped to shape my identity and beliefs and values and spirituality and character and made me who I am today, but has also been my safety blanket and a pretty damn effective replacement as a lover (minus the sex). It really is like I've been in a relationship with it... for a long time now. I guess a part of me is scared that I won't actually know how to cope with life or be happy or normal without it? That's something I was never really willing to admit before... that and the fact that once I'm done, I'm REALLY done.
Click to expand...

This truth right here in those words is the place you need to really explore. That fear is the root of the tangled mess that keeps choking your life no matter how you try to control what's above ground. You have to get support to go to that root and understand it in all its complex history and have faith that you do not have to continue to live from that fear forever. Giving up the fears that our own minds create is one of the hardest actions we humans face IMO.
 
I really like that advice, herbavore... you always have the best advice for everyone tho!! <3 How would you suggest I start moving forward in confronting and eventually eliminating that fear? I'm all for the idea... I just have no idea where to even start lol

It really is crazy to me that there's this something... this thing I can't even identify and put my finger on... that drives me to continue to use even though on the surface, in my heart and mind and soul, I grow to hate it and fear it more and more each day. I'm afraid of the power it has over me -- the power it has to so easily and unpredictably destroy my life and make me lose everything I've worked so hard for in one fell swoop if I make even the tiniest slip-up, to get me to compulsively say "yes" when everything inside me is screaming "no", to get me to lie to the people I care about most and live a double life every single day (which is fucking EXHAUSTING), to dull my spirit and my emotions and life in general, to weaken my body and make me sick, to potentially end my life even. It's just not fun or cool or anything positive at all anymore. It's this dark presence in my life that casts a shadow on everything else that's great!! I mean, especially now that I've started working... I'm just exhausted by the end of the day and I never want to do anything after work, and on the weekends I just feel so freaking TIRED even though I oversleep, and I don't feel like doing anything ever, and I'm always rushing to get to work because I have to get well first, never getting enough sleep... when I should be sleeping on a regular schedule, getting up and getting ready in plenty of time to get to work, having energy to sustain me throughout the ENTIRE day, having energy to go out and do things on the weekends. And I know it's because of the heroin and because I let my health slip A LOT when I'm using. I mean sure I take vitamins and I eat well when it's convenient and I try to move around everyday in some way, even if it's just dancing around listening to music, and I take care of my basic hygienic needs... but I'm always doing just the bare minimum. And I also smoke more cigarettes... and I don't maintain a healthy sleep cycle like AT ALL... and I don't think to drink water throughout the day, I drink energy drinks or soda instead (although lately I have been consciously trying to drink more water or milk tea boba or juice than anything, so that is getting better) but my body still gets dehydrated all the time and that doesn't help matters. I don't like not feeling physically on top of my game. I'm not doing as horrible as I was during the peak of my addiction when it was at it's absolute worst... I've definitely improved in just about every area of my life... but I could do BETTER. I know I can because I've done it before!! I know what it's like to feel healthy and have plenty of energy and motivation... those are the gifts of sobriety!! I want it all back... I fucking DESERVE to have that all back!! Because the truth is, even though I am still using, I am goddamn proud of myself. I've been at the lowest point humanly possible, and I pulled myself up by my fucking bootstraps and I made serious, big changes in my life to get myself out of that place... and while dealing with an addiction and being depressed on top of it all!! I'm not saying this to brag or to point out how amazing I am or because I think I'm better than anyone who hasn't done those things... I definitely don't think any of that is true at all and I know for a fact that every person is capable of changing their lives that way... I simply say it to point out that I am stronger and more resourceful and more capable of overcoming this challenge than I give myself credit for. The truest of truths is that I absolutely CAN do it, I have proved to myself over and over that I can survive and thrive through some crazy horrible shit and come out the other side better than before, I have everything I need to make it happen... the problem is that it's just as much true that I don't fully 100% believe that I can. My own self-limiting beliefs about myself are exactly what's stopping me from really doing this. This realization bothers me, because I honestly thought I had made all kinds of progress in the whole self-love/self-belief/self-esteem departments... and idk maybe I have in other ways... but I have to face facts, I don't believe in myself enough. Not yet. I will get there tho!! You're right herbavore... I honestly just really need to get to the root of what's creating this chaotic experience in my life and either cut it the fuck away forever or heal it. Something's gotta give soon, the tables need to turn somehow. I feel like I'm straddling a veryyy thin line and I def don't like it!! I have this feeling that's almost like a sense of impending doom... like something really bad is going to happen if I don't get a handle on this soon. And honestly, I'm more prone to listen than not... my intuition has failed me literally zero times!! I don't know how it happens, but it always ends up being right... god that really scares me in this situation :sus:

I'm afraid of the withdrawals too to be completely honest. It's weird because I'll go through these cycles where I won't worry or be afraid of withdrawals and they'll be super easy for me to handle and I'll usually wait until I'm starting to feel sick before I bother copping again, to being terrified of them and dosing almost compulsively to try and avoid them. Right now I'm in one of the, "This shit is terrifying" phases lol... it's so weird. Knowing I have a couple Zubsolv and Xanax is a huge relief tho, I must say!! Now if only I could force myself through those first 24 hours so I can take the comfort meds instead... haha
 
xburtonchic said:
I really like that advice, herbavore... you always have the best advice for everyone tho!! <3 How would you suggest I start moving forward in confronting and eventually eliminating that fear? I'm all for the idea... I just have no idea where to even start lol

It really is crazy to me that there's this something... this thing I can't even identify and put my finger on... that drives me to continue to use even though on the surface, in my heart and mind and soul, I grow to hate it and fear it more and more each day. I'm afraid of the power it has over me -- the power it has to so easily and unpredictably destroy my life and make me lose everything I've worked so hard for in one fell swoop if I make even the tiniest slip-up, to get me to compulsively say "yes" when everything inside me is screaming "no", to get me to lie to the people I care about most and live a double life every single day (which is fucking EXHAUSTING), to dull my spirit and my emotions and life in general, to weaken my body and make me sick, to potentially end my life even. It's just not fun or cool or anything positive at all anymore. It's this dark presence in my life that casts a shadow on everything else that's great!! I mean, especially now that I've started working... I'm just exhausted by the end of the day and I never want to do anything after work, and on the weekends I just feel so freaking TIRED even though I oversleep, and I don't feel like doing anything ever, and I'm always rushing to get to work because I have to get well first, never getting enough sleep... when I should be sleeping on a regular schedule, getting up and getting ready in plenty of time to get to work, having energy to sustain me throughout the ENTIRE day, having energy to go out and do things on the weekends. And I know it's because of the heroin and because I let my health slip A LOT when I'm using. I mean sure I take vitamins and I eat well when it's convenient and I try to move around everyday in some way, even if it's just dancing around listening to music, and I take care of my basic hygienic needs... but I'm always doing just the bare minimum. And I also smoke more cigarettes... and I don't maintain a healthy sleep cycle like AT ALL... and I don't think to drink water throughout the day, I drink energy drinks or soda instead (although lately I have been consciously trying to drink more water or milk tea boba or juice than anything, so that is getting better) but my body still gets dehydrated all the time and that doesn't help matters. I don't like not feeling physically on top of my game. I'm not doing as horrible as I was during the peak of my addiction when it was at it's absolute worst... I've definitely improved in just about every area of my life... but I could do BETTER. I know I can because I've done it before!! I know what it's like to feel healthy and have plenty of energy and motivation... those are the gifts of sobriety!! I want it all back... I fucking DESERVE to have that all back!! Because the truth is, even though I am still using, I am goddamn proud of myself. I've been at the lowest point humanly possible, and I pulled myself up by my fucking bootstraps and I made serious, big changes in my life to get myself out of that place... and while dealing with an addiction and being depressed on top of it all!! I'm not saying this to brag or to point out how amazing I am or because I think I'm better than anyone who hasn't done those things... I definitely don't think any of that is true at all and I know for a fact that every person is capable of changing their lives that way... I simply say it to point out that I am stronger and more resourceful and more capable of overcoming this challenge than I give myself credit for. The truest of truths is that I absolutely CAN do it, I have proved to myself over and over that I can survive and thrive through some crazy horrible shit and come out the other side better than before, I have everything I need to make it happen... the problem is that it's just as much true that I don't fully 100% believe that I can. My own self-limiting beliefs about myself are exactly what's stopping me from really doing this. This realization bothers me, because I honestly thought I had made all kinds of progress in the whole self-love/self-belief/self-esteem departments... and idk maybe I have in other ways... but I have to face facts, I don't believe in myself enough. Not yet. I will get there tho!! You're right herbavore... I honestly just really need to get to the root of what's creating this chaotic experience in my life and either cut it the fuck away forever or heal it. Something's gotta give soon, the tables need to turn somehow. I feel like I'm straddling a veryyy thin line and I def don't like it!! I have this feeling that's almost like a sense of impending doom... like something really bad is going to happen if I don't get a handle on this soon. And honestly, I'm more prone to listen than not... my intuition has failed me literally zero times!! I don't know how it happens, but it always ends up being right... god that really scares me in this situation :sus:

I'm afraid of the withdrawals too to be completely honest. It's weird because I'll go through these cycles where I won't worry or be afraid of withdrawals and they'll be super easy for me to handle and I'll usually wait until I'm starting to feel sick before I bother copping again, to being terrified of them and dosing almost compulsively to try and avoid them. Right now I'm in one of the, "This shit is terrifying" phases lol... it's so weird. Knowing I have a couple Zubsolv and Xanax is a huge relief tho, I must say!! Now if only I could force myself through those first 24 hours so I can take the comfort meds instead... haha
Click to expand...

Maybe you should take enough xanax to feel comfortable for the first 24 hours, then initiate suboxone?

I'm still rooting for you every day!! <3
 
Withdrawals fucking suck, don't get me wrong. I have been through them more times then I can count. Still though, I would go through them again if it meant me feeling as comfortable clean as I do today. Don't get me wrong, I get uncomfortable all the time, but it is nothing like the uncomfortableness and outright pain of using. That shit sucked worse then the withdrawals and they are waiting for me if I go back to using.

I often have to remind myself that I simply have not been able to stay clean on my own and that I cannot use drugs successfully no matter what. In the past, I could think of thousands of reasons to use, now I cannot think of one. BUT... that doesn't mean that I will not use if I stop working at recovery.
 
I'm still here :) I just switched to a new shift at work, 2-11 am, and the transition has been brutal. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep because my body isn't used to falling asleep at 6pm, so I end up not falling asleep until 10pm or so, and by then I need to wake up 2 hours later in order to get to work on time. This results in me being tired as fuck ALL THE TIME and having no energy to do much of anything when I get home other than watch movies and just chill. That's why I haven't updated recently.

Anyway, it's time for me to quit now. I have to, it's no longer an option to keep using. The inevitable has happened and my job is now at risk. My boss called me into her office on Friday. She told me that someone brought to her attention the fact that I was nodding off at my desk, said she waited until she noticed it herself to say something, and that while my lifestyle outside of work is none of her business she is concerned. She said she just fired someone for falling asleep at work, and that she doesn't want to do that to me because she knows how badly I want to be there, and that as badly as I want to be there is how much she wants me there, but that this can't continue and I need to figure it out fast. Then she told me that everyone is going to be getting a $2 raise... she wasn't supposed to tell anyone but she wanted me to know for some extra incentive to get my shit together so that I can stay.

I really do love my job. I wake up and I don't dread going to work, which is something I've never really experienced before before. My boss is great, coworkers are great (even if one of them just ratted me out and tried to get me in trouble -_-), benefits and pay are great (especially now with that $2 raise!!), company itself is great, even the nature of my work is something I enjoy doing. I like talking to the customers and doing all the administrative work that my job requires. Every single day I am overwhelmed with gratitude and can't believe I lucked out so much. It almost feels surreal at times, like it's too good to be true. With all of that comes the very real fear of losing it all, I have an acute awareness of the fact that it can be taken away at any second. And that's what it's come to, and even coming CLOSE to losing my job is so not worth it to me. I was lucky that I could use the excuse "I'm still adjusting to the new schedule, I'm tired" this time, but I won't be so lucky the next time. Even though that's a very real part of it, I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't be able to force myself to at least keep my eyes open at work if I wasn't also using on top of it.

So I'm quitting now before I go back to work on Monday. I'm going to be incredibly uncomfortable, and I'm going to feel sick, and I'm going to be scared, and all the other things I've been dreading that have been causing me to keep on putting it off. But I am going to accept that I'm going to have to feel those things and I am going to suck it up and say "no, I will not give in" and just do it anyway. I'll remind myself every second of every day that it's not going to last forever. I'll think about what will happen if I quit versus what will happen if I don't quit, and I'll remind myself that the alternative outcome is worth it and force myself to really let the devastation I'd feel if I lost my job sink in, and I will use those feelings as motivation to keep going. I'm going to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. Because I DO know that it's worth it, that it won't last forever, and what will happen if I don't put this addiction behind me, like, RIGHTNOW. A few weeks of utter hell is totally worth being able to keep my job and a lifetime of freedom. It's such a small price to pay.

Maybe before the problem was that I didn't have any real reason to quit. I told myself that I could keep using and still keep my job. I tried that, and I can't... it isn't possible. Maybe I'd be able to keep it under control for a little while if I tried harder, but inevitably something will happen again one day. And it's going to be hard either way, whether I keep using and lose my job, or whether I quit now and deal with being sick... so I might as well choose the option that at least has a better outcome.

Thanks for checking in, you guys are amazing <3 I hope I didn't worry anyone by going MIA for so long, I'm really going to try to post more often from now on!! Also C.H that's the plan for the Xanax. When it starts to get bad I'm going to take them and just knock myself out until I can take the Zubsolv haha

Anyway how are you all doing??
 
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