Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

[ad lib]

I'm so fucking anxious and stressed and nothing is helping me. What the fuck is wrong with me.

 

[Maya]

aw addy

 

[xstayfadedx]

I really fucking hate my dad and I don't even care if he lives or dies. I am not even going to bother going to his funeral. I was just trying to be nice to him and attempt to form some sort of relationship.... well that's a lie because I mainly wanted him to give me money, but then again at the same time form some sort of bond. And then he fucking treats me like a piece of shit and not even close to a human being. He basically laughed at me for being suicidal and depressed. Then called me the devil. I kind of want to go down to his house and cut his throat. Luckily, that's all in my head and I won't ever do it. Instead I will move on with my life because he can't hurt me anymore.. maybe in his mind, but that's about it. He acts like I really care how he feels about me or what he thinks. Lol, I don't. I don't need him to be apart of my life. I'm doing just fine without him and I have been since he walked out of my life in the 4th grade.

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

Damn SF that sounds rough. When that shit starts happening drug use has way past it's expiration date of fun. Time to regroup and take care of yourself right now. Things will get better. That story reminded me of an OD one of my friends had roughly ten years ago.

NSFW:

My best friend and drug cohort were doing what we did, get high. I think that night it was xanax bars and excellent Nigerian imported heroin that was so rock hard it sometimes took a litte bit to get it into solution. We were stoned and decided to go get malts at a local ice-cream place. Where we ran into a friend who had been living in Colorado at the time. Talk turned to drugs pretty much instantly and he was coming off a tar habit from west coast dope and wanted to get high. I remember sitting in the booth with him and you could tell he was blitz’d on some tranquilizer. We asked him you're not high on xanax, this dope is strong etc. blahblahblah.

‘Nope no xanax here’ was his reply

Yeah ok sure. So lets go get high. We drove back to my friend’s house and we all proceeded to fix up. I remember the Colorado friend [I will call him B] kept egging my other friend [T] on a little bit saying oh come on just a little more dope in the spoon, just a few more pebbles. He got what he wanted. I remember him walking out of the bathroom needle still in his arm seconds after shooting, and saying OH SHIT this shit is strong. He than proceeded to bounce of the walls trying to walk to the couch. He made it as far as the kitchen table where he just fell out. His beer bottle bounced off the carpet spilling all around him as he lays starting to turn blue.

FUCK!!! Shit I knew it. What the fuck are we going to do? We were in a panic the only logical decision was 911 because it just needed to be done so my friend T scrambles around cleaning up all his dope and shit and stashing it under the deck out back. In minutes an ambulance and cop arrived. Questions, questions, questions… I distinctly remember looking at T and he just looked like a ghost pale white, short sleeve shirts we both wore and tracks on our arms.

We told the medics he was an old friend from Colorado and he went into the bathroom and came out stumbling and fell. I said he mentioned something about tar heroin. It was an obvious OD. It took the paramedics awhile to get him with it. Longest and most dramatic I have ever witnessed. Two shots of narcan and he wasnt coming around. One of the paramedics had me holding a saline bag over his head for dripage, after a while [minutes] it was really taking a toll on me watching what was going on and the police officer took over my position. Than they said his heart stopped and pulled out some defibrillator and set it on the kitchen table. I remember thinking this is not good, I still can see the little electronic screen on the machine. They shocked him once with it and something started happening.

By this time they already had him secured to a dolly and in restraints for violence upon waking. B started convulsing and then started throwing up this just black, dark, alien looking puke something I have never seen since. It wasnt your normal charcoal puke, pump your stomach shit. A couple more minutes and he started to come around restrained by the straps he didn’t know what was happening. Me and my friend were just frozen looking half dead ourselves. A few elementary questions from the police officer, he didn’t care he knew what was up and I believe he thought we just went thru quite a shocker and probably thought we would learn our lesson, not for quite a while longer. Have I learned my lesson? What the fuck kinda lesson? Drugs are bad?

B soon started to say he was fine and didn’t want to go to the hospital but it was going to happen no matter what. In seconds everybody walked out the front door and wheeled B out. We shut the door and just kinda looked at each other. I know personally I was used to events like that at that time of my life and I have never really let OD bug me or even as much as I hate to say it deaths bother me. I just kinda wouldn’t think about it, tune it out, I am numb already. I sometimes wonder if by not talking about all those things that happened back than has done something to me. I don’t think so but I can’t tell you for sure. Not dealing with traumatic issues can have consequences.

The rest of the night is kinda hazy. I am sure we shot some more dope and I think we watched some music DVD’s and probably said fuck man what happened a few times. B started to call the house from the hospital wanting us to pick him up. T didn’t want to and I didn’t blame him. I believe his parents ended up getting him and he either continued using for a bit or went into rehab and then continued using for a bit, don’t recall.

The post script of that story was that B passed away OD about 2 months ago and left behind a wife and 3 kids. So sad.

Awwwwww fuck why'd I read the last sentence. It bummed me out.

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

I really fucking hate my dad and I don't even care if he lives or dies. I am not even going to bother going to his funeral. I was just trying to be nice to him and attempt to form some sort of relationship.... well that's a lie because I mainly wanted him to give me money, but then again at the same time form some sort of bond. And then he fucking treats me like a piece of shit and not even close to a human being. He basically laughed at me for being suicidal and depressed. Then called me the devil. I kind of want to go down to his house and cut his throat. Luckily, that's all in my head and I won't ever do it. Instead I will move on with my life because he can't hurt me anymore.. maybe in his mind, but that's about it. He acts like I really care how he feels about me or what he thinks. Lol, I don't. I don't need him to be apart of my life. I'm doing just fine without him and I have been since he walked out of my life in the 4th grade.

FUCK HIM, you and your bro need to just get on with it(life), bud.

You
Are
Worth
Something.

 

[Eveleivibe]

How long have you been taking mirtazapine Evey? I took it years ago but couldn't stay on it because my son was a newborn, it was too sedating. But you have a good workout schedule right? Maybe your doc figured you might not be affected too much from it. I hate gaining weight for no good reason.

My aunt just asked me how come I got so fat and do I have lupus? I havn't seen my doctor since 2011 and easily put on 20 pounds since then. If I knew this was going to happen I would have fasted more and I don't eat much at all. I have no healthcare insurance so if I get sick or like last year when I had a stroke, I just go to the hospital. It's so frustrating having health issues and being judged for it.

Doctor prescribed it to me yesterday x

 

[xstayfadedx]

FUCK HIM, you and your bro need to just get on with it(life), bud.

You
Are
Worth
Something.

Thank you, really. I know I need to and I'm glad all these things are happening because for once I am content with my decision of cutting ties.... and doing what I want to do for once and fuck everybody else. I put others before me for too long and I neglected what I wanted to do. I need to and will start putting myself first. I also will no longer keep people in my life who don't deserve to be.

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

Thank you, really. I know I need to and I'm glad all these things are happening because for once I am content with my decision of cutting ties.... and doing what I want to do for once and fuck everybody else. I put others before me for too long and I neglected what I wanted to do. I need to and will start putting myself first. I also will no longer keep people in my life who don't deserve to be.

Sounds like you needa keep and protect your bro, eject pa.

 

[Robv5]

I'm in Australia alone, moved from the uk, I was the happiest person ever I had a girlfriend a job that was going to give me a 4 year visa, the job was perfect as a chef , all the staff were social outside of work and then I took a holiday to the UK because I was homesick and when I got back I got fired..... Split up with the girlfriend, which I didn't want to do I was so stressed and confused that I didn't think straight.
Then I wasn't working for 3 weeks which left my racing head destroying its self to the point I take diazepam and Zoloft.
I have a new job were I start at 5am and finish at 2 so I'm left alone the rest of the day taking diazepam to avoid thinking about how my life has done a 180 from happy to apathy and crying all the time.
My family can only do so much 7000 miles away, perhaps it's time to call it quits and return home?

 

[xstayfadedx]

Sounds like you needa keep and protect your bro, eject pa.

I'm 20 years old and my brother is almost 28. He needs to grow up and think things through. I'm tired of his woe is me shit... he is just impulsive and knows right from wrong. He instead chooses to be stupid every time. He also doesn't live in PA with me... he lives in CT (where I was born and also has a different father). Other than that, I can't save people, not even my brother and I shouldn't have to. I can try my best to knock some sense into him, but what else can I do? So far it has worked, but will he keep to his word? I don't know. I just hope he does or he will die. I don't want my brother to die; however, I for one will not wait around and watch him kill himself because he chooses to.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I'm in Australia alone, moved from the uk, I was the happiest person ever I had a girlfriend a job that was going to give me a 4 year visa, the job was perfect as a chef , all the staff were social outside of work and then I took a holiday to the UK because I was homesick and when I got back I got fired..... Split up with the girlfriend, which I didn't want to do I was so stressed and confused that I didn't think straight.
Then I wasn't working for 3 weeks which left my racing head destroying its self to the point I take diazepam and Zoloft.
I have a new job were I start at 5am and finish at 2 so I'm left alone the rest of the day taking diazepam to avoid thinking about how my life has done a 180 from happy to apathy and crying all the time.
My family can only do so much 7000 miles away, perhaps it's time to call it quits and return home?

So you got another job, do you think there's any chance you can get the gf back?

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

I'm 20 years old and my brother is almost 28. He needs to grow up and think things through. I'm tired of his woe is me shit... he is just impulsive and knows right from wrong. He instead chooses to be stupid every time. He also doesn't live in PA with me... he lives in CT (where I was born and also has a different father). Other than that, I can't save people, not even my brother and I shouldn't have to. I can try my best to knock some sense into him, but what else can I do? So far it has worked, but will he keep to his word? I don't know. I just hope he does or he will die. I don't want my brother to die; however, I for one will not wait around and watch him kill himself because he chooses to.

Shit you're only twenty. Thought you were older. Yeah. You both have opioid problems though and it seem you had it first? I dunno. You should look out for him even if you're half siblings. It sucks girl, but shit, I'm 25 my bro is 25 (twins) and I'm working my damndest to keep him from going down my path.

It's not that he is choosing to kill himself, it's an addiction and you seem to know addiction well. Forget your pop. he seems like garbage. But your brother seems like an anchor in your world you should try and not let disappear.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Shit you're only twenty. Thought you were older. Yeah. You both have opioid problems though and it seem you had it first? I dunno. You should look out for him even if you're half siblings. It sucks girl, but shit, I'm 25 my bro is 25 (twins) and I'm working my damndest to keep him from going down my path.

It's not that he is choosing to kill himself, it's an addiction and you seem to know addiction well. Forget your pop. he seems like garbage. But your brother seems like an anchor in your world you should try and not let disappear.

I had it first. However, my brother was into a lot of other drugs... mainly alcohol/crack. And I already have to look out for my sister (we are thirteen months apart so I guess that is considered "Irish twins" not Irish, but that's what its called). I'm so close to her... even closer to her than my brother and it just pains me to see her depressed. It also hurts that she self harmed the other day because of all the bullshit going on up here and she hasn't done that in a very long time. I'm so glad she doesn't do hard drugs or really any drugs at all... one less thing to worry about.

And trust me I don't want my brother going down the wrong path or my sister.... I will do anything for them, but there is only so much you can do. My brother has been going down this path for years.... he's even the one who got me involved in drugs in the first place. Yeah, I could have said no, but whatever. I'm just tired of him being selfish. He didn't have to start shooting dope... he doesn't even have a tolerance to the crap or even an addiction to it yet. He just thinks he's invincible and doesn't think shit through.

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

I had it first. However, my brother was into a lot of other drugs... mainly alcohol/crack. And I already have to look out for my sister (we are thirteen months apart so I guess that is considered "Irish twins" not Irish, but that's what its called). I'm so close to her... even closer to her than my brother and it just pains me to see her depressed. It also hurts that she self harmed the other day because of all the bullshit going on up here and she hasn't done that in a very long time. I'm so glad she doesn't do hard drugs or really any drugs at all... one less thing to worry about.

And trust me I don't want my brother going down the wrong path or my sister.... I will do anything for them, but there is only so much you can do. My brother has been going down this path for years.... he's even the one who got me involved in drugs in the first place. Yeah, I could have said no, but whatever. I'm just tired of him being selfish. He didn't have to start shooting dope... he doesn't even have a tolerance to the crap or even an addiction to it yet. He just thinks he's invincible and doesn't think shit through.

Shit, you got your hands full watching out for her, she seems then to be your first priority. You are a good sister. Yeah, sucks with your brother, all you can do is educate, show him the needle abscess thread, and so on.

We all make our own choices, but education might help.

Yeah, I'm well familiar with friends and the invincibility complex.

"only weaklings get hooked to that stuff," two years later in WDs.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Shit, you got your hands full watching out for her, she seems then to be your first priority. You are a good sister. Yeah, sucks with your brother, all you can do is educate, show him the needle abscess thread, and so on.

We all make our own choices, but education might help.

Yeah, I'm well familiar with friends and the invincibility complex.

"only weaklings get hooked to that stuff," two years later in WDs.

Yeah, she is always my first priority... even if that's wrong to say. I've been through everything with her. So I really do need to get my shit together so that I can be there for her. My brother has to also do the same... not only so he can be there for us, but for his daughter. He lost his daughter again because the mother of the kid is psycho (have said enough about her on here) and she started selling drugs. So he's in a bad slump and basically being all suicidal because of it. He feels worthless because he doesn't have his daughter and he doesn't have a job, but that's still no excuse for him to throw his life away. He really needs to fix things and then see what happens from there. If he doesn't change he'll never have his daughter back. He won't even have a life.

/I'll stop ranting about this though even though this is the rant thread lol

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

Never stop ranting if it helps!

Yeah, he needs some perspective, if I had a kid I don't think I could abuse drugs, but I've never been there so I can't say or diss.

 

[LivinforBrad]

Newbie here!!!!! I just went a week (well 6 days ) without any f****ng Tramadol after going from a 900mg a day habit after tapering for over a month!!!!!! I took
3 50mg tabs (leagal dr RX for me still) Does this mean I FAILED!!!!???? now Im depressed and am wondering if all the stupid WD symptoms will return. Anyone with experience would love some advice on what to expect. Im new so a private message would work great also. Sooooooo Frustrated with myself today!!!

 

[lolwhatzdrugs]

Newbie here!!!!! I just went a week (well 6 days ) without any f****ng Tramadol after going from a 900mg a day habit after tapering for over a month!!!!!! I took
3 50mg tabs (leagal dr RX for me still) Does this mean I FAILED!!!!???? now Im depressed and am wondering if all the stupid WD symptoms will return. Anyone with experience would love some advice on what to expect. Im new so a private message would work great also. Sooooooo Frustrated with myself today!!!

You can't private message if your new.

If you took 150mg once, WD symptoms will not return. If they do, take 1-2 loperamide, and do some exercise. You will feel better quickly. Tramadol WD is unique in that it effects serotonin and nor-Epinephrine, and that can make you feel down right afterwards for a day or so. You'll power through it if you feel any, but you're not likely to.

 

[xstayfadedx]

I want to get dressed.... put on makeup... head down to my fathers wife's place of work (coffee shop) and beat the shit out of her. I hate that bitch and I love how she called my phone and did the talking for my father. I fucking can't stand her. I'm so at my breaking point and I so will bust someone's nose. I'm not even a violent person, but enough is enough. The bitch better get a restraining order if she thinks she can talk to me like this.

 

[PARKINJO]

even putting aside what she is saying what does violence resolve? an honest question for you to answer. think about what you are doing and know that the result is gonna end up being you in jail or possibly worse in dependency you could get you dad on your bad side and i am sure you do not want to have that happen do you?