Going insane. Every day, more and more.
Constantly find myself back on here, posting bullshit posts or threads about my troubles. What is the point? Nobody can help me, not even myself. I'm constantly finding myself having these extreme ups and downs. Some days I'm fine, others I'm not. I hate this feeling so much.
I wish I didn't need drugs to feel okay with life. I constantly need to smoke, otherwise I'm restless and anxious as fuck. And it's not from the drugs, I've been like this before I ever started heavily abusing things. Something is wrong with me mentally and it can never be fixed. No medication helps, drugs only mask the issue. Am I destined to use forever until I croak from a heart attack?
I find myself sitting here. I'm off work, so I'm stuck inside my head, alone with my own thoughts. I have no bud, can't even smoke a bowl to relax a little. I want to do so many things, write music, play a video game, find out more about this school I'm hoping to attend soon, clean the house, etc, but I can't stick to any of it. I pick up one thing, put it down 2 minutes later. I'm going insane and nothing is fucking helping!
I sincerely hate my life during times like this. I'm so fucking alone. I have nobody but my father. My friends are no longer what I'd consider friends. Every one of them is a bad influence on my life, all I think about when I'm around them is what drug can I get and what will we do once we're on it.
My father is no help to me. We live in a one bedroom apartment, he gets one half of the apartment, I get the other. I'm stuck, most of the time, inside my room, staring at the four walls. Stuck with my computer, my guitar, and my playstation. I live a pathetic life. I constantly feel I'm not progressing to anywhere good. I constantly find myself hating myself, sulking. Often crying to myself, hoping my father doesn't hear me.
I have no love life. I have no real friends. My father is in his 60's, surely he wont' be around forever. I'm dreading the time where I have to watch him die next. First it was my mother, who I took care of by myself for 6 years of my teenage life, soon I'll have to take care of him, won't I? What do I get in the end? Nothing. A harder life, a more lonelier life...one where I know I'm not gonna have any support except that which I give myself. Working, busting my ass just to make ends meet. I have a future which I am not looking forward to.
What am I going to do? I'm always freaking out inside my head...I'm such a miserable fuck. What am I going to do to make it in life? The only good thing I was ever good at was <snip> I don't want to live that life...
I'm terrified I'm going to live the rest of my life alone. By myself. I fear I'm going to get sicker and sicker...and what happens when I can't take care of myself any more? Am I going to be homeless with nowhere to go? I don't want to die like that...
If I could just know everything was going to be alright I could take a deep breathe and release all this anxiety and frustration held inside of me, but I never know and it builds up and builds up constantly till it explodes out of me, hurting my father, hurting the few close friends in my life. I feel like all I ever do is send out negative energy to those around me, like I'm a virus. My efforts are never truly recognizes, my strains and constant struggles to make it never go noticed. I'm constantly being told of the good things others do, or how my friend admires this friend cause of this. Never is it about me. And while I think this, I think of how selfish I'm being in my desires to be the center of attention, I don't deserve it, thus I don't receive it.