I know that I have blogged a lot lately, I doubt a single one was anywhere near sober. Now that the money is pretty much gone and the scripts have run out. Sober is reality. Other than alcohol I guess but I KNOW and KEEP learning that me and alcohol is a really bad combo. I don't think my current weight helps much because it doesn't take much to get me tanked. Everclear is idiotic, period.
Jesus I have done so many idiot things lately. I want to take a moment to say I'm sorry to those who actually are still around enough to read it.
Posting when high seems fine, because to you, you feel fine and pretty normal.
Apparently I spend time rambeling, not thinking about what I saying, and pretty much making a total ass out of myself. Pretty much how stimulants can effect most people. So for that I'm sorry.
Right now I decided to take a post from another thread and add it here as well to be kept for myself and for others to also see that well, I can be somewhat clear-headed and realistic. Although when you're in the shit hole, it isn't fun to look at.
Looking in the mirror can really such at times.
"My bf called me on being off my medication (I'm sure the drug use going through the roof isn't helping at all either). Why did I ever go off? Because I thought I would be ok. No. Perhaps that's why I've kinda made an ass out of myself as of late.
He said we had done this before. When he met me, I had a set plan for my suicide. He was my support until the meds started working and I could get it together. He said we can do it again, together.
But lately, he is distance, angry, unreadable and non-responsive so I may have thrown it all out the window to stupidity.
And that fear put me even more at risk.
After reading this post, I did take a look at myself. I am crying for help, but refusing to take action to get it. Why don't I go to therapy?
I'm afraid. Last one, I hinted at a suicidal feeling and it was BAM, my mother in there and demanding inpatient. I will NOT go inpatient. It's hell and lord knows I can't afford any of it.
Other-forced rehab. If I open up about using opiates and meth. I'm so scared I'll end up back in rehab. I want to at least TRY to clean myself up.
Plus there was always the guilt. I'm not on my own, my parents and a good insurance pays for medication and therapy if I decide to get it. But even my mom having the pay the co-pay comes with SO much guilt. As to why she has to pay because I'm fucked up or that is the gist of what she says to me.
I'm hoping once the medication has time to work the thought will stop. I KNOW I need not to get drunk. The last 2 times ended in some psychotic and/or dangerous suicidal behaviors. Depressant you damn idiot...
Right now I'm struggling SO much with my thoughts. I cry so easy, even though I try constantly to force myself to swallow it. I just can't fall to pieces here. Everything else is crashing around me, I at least have to hold it together. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do, but I do know I have no plan and I'm not a suicide risk at this time. I'm just so scared of where I could be. "
My friend knows this and is trying his hardest to get me to go out to the demos (please tell me you guys have those in other places at fairs and shit right?). He said no alcohol, since last night the Long Islands kicked my ass. It keeps the green drug monster away (and as I said in another thread....I should have listened to you guys about meth. I should have listened...) But I just ended up sitting alone crying and then decided to drive myself home...drunk. When will I have a day that I don't act like an idiot?
I am depressed and don't want to go. I have a TON of homework I need to do (I have become completely unmotiated to even try anymore). Plus applications to fill out and resume to redo/update.
The 3 hours a week for $8 an hour isn't cutting it. Not to mention I spend money on meth. IDOT.
But I have to kick myself for thinking, new job, more pay = more money for drugs.
I have to say "Jesus Leslie when will it end. Knock this shit off already. Before it happens like your friend said it would, him picking you up on a street corner to take you home to your mother because he can't stand to watch you die."
Coming back to reality SUCKS.
I hope that through reading this blog and some of my more sober posts, that some of the non-drugged, real me, who really is a decent person might just show a little. Who I am and what I'm doing isn't matching anymore. And I have to work on that...
Jesus I have done so many idiot things lately. I want to take a moment to say I'm sorry to those who actually are still around enough to read it.
Posting when high seems fine, because to you, you feel fine and pretty normal.
Apparently I spend time rambeling, not thinking about what I saying, and pretty much making a total ass out of myself. Pretty much how stimulants can effect most people. So for that I'm sorry.
Right now I decided to take a post from another thread and add it here as well to be kept for myself and for others to also see that well, I can be somewhat clear-headed and realistic. Although when you're in the shit hole, it isn't fun to look at.
Looking in the mirror can really such at times.
"My bf called me on being off my medication (I'm sure the drug use going through the roof isn't helping at all either). Why did I ever go off? Because I thought I would be ok. No. Perhaps that's why I've kinda made an ass out of myself as of late.
He said we had done this before. When he met me, I had a set plan for my suicide. He was my support until the meds started working and I could get it together. He said we can do it again, together.
But lately, he is distance, angry, unreadable and non-responsive so I may have thrown it all out the window to stupidity.
And that fear put me even more at risk.
After reading this post, I did take a look at myself. I am crying for help, but refusing to take action to get it. Why don't I go to therapy?
I'm afraid. Last one, I hinted at a suicidal feeling and it was BAM, my mother in there and demanding inpatient. I will NOT go inpatient. It's hell and lord knows I can't afford any of it.
Other-forced rehab. If I open up about using opiates and meth. I'm so scared I'll end up back in rehab. I want to at least TRY to clean myself up.
Plus there was always the guilt. I'm not on my own, my parents and a good insurance pays for medication and therapy if I decide to get it. But even my mom having the pay the co-pay comes with SO much guilt. As to why she has to pay because I'm fucked up or that is the gist of what she says to me.
I'm hoping once the medication has time to work the thought will stop. I KNOW I need not to get drunk. The last 2 times ended in some psychotic and/or dangerous suicidal behaviors. Depressant you damn idiot...
Right now I'm struggling SO much with my thoughts. I cry so easy, even though I try constantly to force myself to swallow it. I just can't fall to pieces here. Everything else is crashing around me, I at least have to hold it together. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do, but I do know I have no plan and I'm not a suicide risk at this time. I'm just so scared of where I could be. "
My friend knows this and is trying his hardest to get me to go out to the demos (please tell me you guys have those in other places at fairs and shit right?). He said no alcohol, since last night the Long Islands kicked my ass. It keeps the green drug monster away (and as I said in another thread....I should have listened to you guys about meth. I should have listened...) But I just ended up sitting alone crying and then decided to drive myself home...drunk. When will I have a day that I don't act like an idiot?
I am depressed and don't want to go. I have a TON of homework I need to do (I have become completely unmotiated to even try anymore). Plus applications to fill out and resume to redo/update.
The 3 hours a week for $8 an hour isn't cutting it. Not to mention I spend money on meth. IDOT.
But I have to kick myself for thinking, new job, more pay = more money for drugs.
I have to say "Jesus Leslie when will it end. Knock this shit off already. Before it happens like your friend said it would, him picking you up on a street corner to take you home to your mother because he can't stand to watch you die."
Coming back to reality SUCKS.
I hope that through reading this blog and some of my more sober posts, that some of the non-drugged, real me, who really is a decent person might just show a little. Who I am and what I'm doing isn't matching anymore. And I have to work on that...
