I'm reporting back on a post I made here about one and a half years ago, concerning that LSD and nitrous had stopped being any bit of fun after about 1000-2000 balloons of nitrous consumed in LSD trips. I'll have to do a short (well I'll try, short isn't really my thing haha) version of the intire story here. For about two years I had been doing LSD once a month, at some point I decided I wanted to try dissociatives and started with nitrous as I could buy it legally; with the monthly LSD 'habit', it didn't take long for the two to be combined and I discovered something wonderful: the synergy of LSD and nitrous oxide; the most mindshattering intense experience I know and can imagen really. For months it was fun; we'd do up to 50 whippits each person in a trip and for 14 LSD trips straight it was pretty much all about the nitrous. My friends were a little more obsessive over it then I was (even though I'm the one who came up with the idea of wanting to try nitrous, that was the caze with every single drug I tried, I read up on stuff, get interested enough and then finally try it).
Either way; at some point in all those trips they took a turn for the worst and about 70-80% of the nitrous oxide I did while on LSD (the LSD trips themselves were fine, all very visual, beautiful, euphoric experiences), was horribly bad. Terryingly bad, basically I got the feeling you get when you júst realise something is dead / has just died. In the confused nitrous state this would lead to horrible mindfucks I don't wish upon anyone, like thinking you just realised your friends have been dead for a while and you were tripping to hard to notice you were tripping with dead people; or the more simple less shaped variant that was the most common: I'd have the feeling something was HORRIBLY wrong (usually when doing nitrous with eyes closed, with eyes open it was more likely to remain pleasant), and that I hád to open my eyes or something even more wrong would happen, but wrong like death of newborns, wrong like wearing your child's organs for a hat etc. This was horrible, but the weirdest bit was that I didn't even stop doing so much nitrous on trips, I just accepted most of the experience were a horrible re-living of a trauma (atleast that is what I later figured out).
In my old post I somehow thought it had to do with having had the perfect nitrous and ruining it, but looking back I think the two are utterly unrelated; the much more sense making theory; and it fits perfectly actually, is that I was traumatized by something, a trauma concerning realising stuff is dead (a whole bunch of dead kittens, will get into that more later); and basically I think my subconciouss mistook the sudden 'push out of reality' that nitrous has, being very sudden, for the sudden realisation it's dead, which ofcourse doesn't match but then the brain on LSD is capable of making some properly creative stories around that in short bursts of confusion, which leads to horrible nitrous-trips.
Either way; the problem was really quite simple. My cat had a litter of kittens, and even though we tried everything we could (night vet, antibiotics, 2 hourly tube feeding for days etc.), 5 out of 6 kittens died, with the last one, my favorite one that I had planned on keeping for myself, dying on my chest; she was cold and in retrospect already dying so I put her on my chest to warm her up; it was night so I wasn't clothed properly so she was on my bare skin, and she died, right there, right at that moment, on my chest, right where my heart is I felt the kitten dying. I have a whole set of absolutely horrible memories to this (the dying, tube-feeding, checking if they were dead, fear when we noticed the symptoms of pneunomia in yet another of the kittens, and I'm pretty sure it was mildly traumatizing; I've relived it in nightmares quite a few times up to fairly recently (reliving the exact feeling I got when it all happened), also I can't look at pictures of kittens up to two weeks old; they all look dying to me and I don't like it. Either way; the trauma got much milder over time, and funnely enough; right around the time the trauma got less, the nightmares started going away: NITROUS BECAME FUN AGAIN
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:D !
Not every single time, about 2-5% of the times I do nitrous are véry dark in nature, but, that has been the caze before the trauma-trips as well; I was just confused about it being the trauma as I had no problem with LSD on its own or with ketamine, or even with being on LSD and ketamine, so I thought it couldn't be that bad but I neglected to keep in mind that nitrous comes up véry fast, and makes the body seem unreal; a mind traumatized with death can possibly mistake that. Also I must add that there have been a few nitrous free trips again (although most of those did involve ketamine, they are very different dissociatives, and the ketamine wasn't consumed until the comedown in those nitrous free trips) and I gained a lot more calmth concerning nitrous. I don't care as much wether its there or not, I like LSD on its own just fine, but if I have it (and I do still buy it regularly) I will do maybe 10 to 15 whippits over the course of a trip. One problem I mentioned when nitrous wasn't fun anymore (which ended months ago, only lasted about half a year) was that my friends would keep their obsession, and its true; they binge much worse on nitrous, and me being the one who usually buys it, still leads to 'Hey Azgaza, can I have some nitrous, shall we do nitrous, come on, lets do some nitrous, will you fill some nitrous, can I have some nitrous' without any breaks between those sentences until I shut them up with a balloon. I don't mind too much, but recently have been saying: 'if you want it so much, invest a bit and buy your own damn nitrous'.
Also, I've had really quite perfect ones again; most of the réally perfect feeling ones were on LSD, ketamine and nitrous oxide; I saw a place that was both black and white at the same time, flickering static and vast empthiness; I saw what I took as the base behind all life, behind conciousness, how conciousness would be binary, and it was so serene, so beautiful. In atmopshere I'd label the experience more ketamine as it was very serene and dreamy (how ketamine is forme), not hectic and mindrape-like at all (more typical for nitrous). Funny enough, that same LSD trip earlier in the trip I actually saw everyone being sawed up, with blood spraying out everywhere, and their heads cut off foating a mete behind their bodies, which were dead, swollen and completely cut open and spraying blood. Very, very fucked up visual. Not scary, as I knew it was a visual, but I wouldn't call it comfortable. Most of the nitrous moments now are beautiful though. But I mentioned the perfect ones, that felt truly, truly content, truly serene, beautiful, deep and amazing. I don't take anything fully serious that I experience on a drug, unless I can find some proper science to back it up with.
Either way, I'm still, if not more then before, very interested in dissociation; I prefer ketamine over nitrous for many reasons, I feel feel that NMDA-antagonism seems to make active conciousness and memory and the intire subconciousness mix in a random way, causing absurdism and surrealism a sober mind with its associative thinking is very unlikely to reach (Dali had a technique; but few people are Dali). Also, shutting down the thalamus and hypothalamus causes a state of concioussness that is not really human, as it lacks instinct or a body, yet is still fully active in the neo-cortex region; which makes it possible to think without being a biological creature for a while, which is also extremely interesting. Other then that, I just love the dissociative buzz, the buzzing in all your cells and skin, the mindset, how it makes your eyes feel, the typical visual distortion.. I love those aspects in both dissociatives. In all these aspects I prefer ketamine, but what gives nitrous its ultimate charm is simple: it is random. The fact that it's so random means it can take pretty much ánything from your subconciouss and present it to you; you can find things you'd otherwise never find in yourself, it gives the most unique experiences for that reason, and thus I'm REALLY glad nitrous gives positive experiences most of the time again.
(I was also utterly relieved that when another one of my cats died, one not related to the litter but I had mother, daugther and then one other cat, and that other cat died this year, also too young, the bad nitrous thing did NOT come back, not even slightly. This was also not traumatizing, and sadness is not present in dissociation, such human feelings have no relevance in a dissociated mind, so it makes sense, but since dead cats ruined nitrous for about half year I was glad to find out it hadn't again. Well, all is well now, and I'm glad about that.)
I'll try to write up some detail about the positive and interesting nitrous experiences soon; because out of all report attempts, its the only thing that keeps failing; I even managed to write up most k-holes, most LSD experiences, I can explain what peaking on LSD and ketamine at the same time feels like but LSD & nitrous; it seems really impossible to attach words to the effects. Maybe I'll succeed sometime.