Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[ReadmissionRied]

Today I'm feeling dazed and mediocre. Time loss, as usual, and foggy memory. Today we ended up in the eye doctor as an emergency visit due to extreme blurred vision in one eye made better by eye drops.

Then the headaches from the TMJ kicked in. Overall a largely unproductive day. Played video games, went on a two hour walk, watched YouTube, worried, read a book, and browsed this forum.

I'm feeling unseen due to my disorder and lack of friends.

I wish everyone to have peace in their lives.

 

[nznity]

I miss my ex.girlfriend so.much, i cried for 30 mins today. Y did i have to fuck everything up....i was doing so fine but no it wasn't enough. I wanted to get fucking high. Now it's Been two years AND i miss her as much as the same fucking day She left me. I dont think I'm ever gonna get over her completely....this shit Is taking a toll on my mental stability, i feel lonely.keep relapsing, lonely, relapse. For fucks sake. On top of all this shit i hsve chronic pain....AND this corona shit wont Let me heal my back.....can't find a chiropractor.at the moment. I needed to say all that or i was going to Explode, fuck.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Today I'm feeling dazed and mediocre. Time loss, as usual, and foggy memory. Today we ended up in the eye doctor as an emergency visit due to extreme blurred vision in one eye made better by eye drops.

Then the headaches from the TMJ kicked in. Overall a largely unproductive day. Played video games, went on a two hour walk, watched YouTube, worried, read a book, and browsed this forum.

I'm feeling unseen due to my disorder and lack of friends.

I wish everyone to have peace in their lives.

Wow, two hour walk? Where'd you go?

I love walking. Used to walk everywhere when i was homeless.

At least you have healthy stuff to fill your day.

 

[ReadmissionRied]

Wow, two hour walk? Where'd you go?

I love walking. Used to walk everywhere when i was homeless.

At least you have healthy stuff to fill your day.

Walking is my favorite form of passive exercise. Lots do think about, appreciate in one's surroundings. We only went down some streets for a long time. Basically major streets being a goal and just walked around a park to get to this distant street. Goal was to get over 10,000 steps.

That's true about the healthy stuff! I hope to be more productive today. I'm glad you're not homeless anymore

Peace and love

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Realized that Ive been slightly hypomanic/psychotic for maybe 4 days. Biked a lot today and trying to get normal sleep tonight.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I miss my ex.girlfriend so.much, i cried for 30 mins today. Y did i have to fuck everything up....i was doing so fine but no it wasn't enough. I wanted to get fucking high. Now it's Been two years AND i miss her as much as the same fucking day She left me. I dont think I'm ever gonna get over her completely....this shit Is taking a toll on my mental stability, i feel lonely.keep relapsing, lonely, relapse. For fucks sake. On top of all this shit i hsve chronic pain....AND this corona shit wont Let me heal my back.....can't find a chiropractor.at the moment. I needed to say all that or i was going to Explode, fuck.

What structures have you put in to your life to allow yourself to move forward from this event and allow you to grow emotionally?

What are you doing differently now to what you were doing when your behaviour led to the destruction of that relationship?

Most likely the answer to why you still feel the same as the day you broke up is within those questions.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Lifes surprisingly good

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I am content with life. I hope all of you are doing good aswell.

 

[nznity]

What structures have you put in to your life to allow yourself to move forward from this event and allow you to grow emotionally?

What are you doing differently now to what you were doing when your behaviour led to the destruction of that relationship?

Most likely the answer to why you still feel the same as the day you broke up is within those questions.

I'm not fucking people over to get More dope into my system without caring about the consequences, im not sticking a needle into my arm, I've come to the conclusion that nothing lasts forever. I'm soon to ve 2 weeks clean AND I'm not an emotional wreck anymore. I needa Lot to do, haven't done shit the last 10 years besides snorting coke AND banging morphine. Im almost 26, needa move on from this.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Surprisingly solid. Having to move up next week but I guess its nothing big.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Surprisingly solid. Having to move up next week but I guess its nothing big.

Move locations?

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Yeah, my current landlord just used me to get money to fixing the place

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Have been drugging like a mad man recently, zonked off retarded combinations, but i always take my meds.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Anxiety and stress is overwhelming. My eating disorder is getting better somehow (???) Only purged like 2 times in a week and that insane. Trying to minimize my carbs, starting the keto diet on friday, so hopefully I can cure this self diagnosed leptin resistance I have.
I hope so much that Keto can help with booth my mood and physical well being. Would do carnivore diet if I could but im poor sooo. Maybe im not getting better at all and just switching bingeing/purgeing for a diet obsession but keto is better than ruined teeth and sudden heart failure so I rather do that thanks

 

[Vastness]

Good luck @on.my.way🌿! You can do it I'm sure. Keto diet has numerous documented health benefits, carnivore diet might have some but it is somewhat unproven definitively. You are getting better if you're trying healthier options. Don't doubt yourself and keep trying, your mind is stronger than you know.

Spoiler: melodrama that I'm embarassed to have shared but don't want to delete entirely

Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too. I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...

Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too. I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...

On topic myself... god damn I'm feeling so shite today. I know part of the reason is I've been using some drugs that I should not be using in an effort to just deal with reality... but, fuck man, I just feel so trapped, I dont know what to do. I'm not really suicidal and I'm not going to kill myself but I actually duckduckgoed "maybe I should just fucking kill myself" today. Again I'm not going to but... Christ...

About a year and a half ago I posted a thread about "dealing with narcissistic friends" and got some good advice here but the main thing I did not take was to completely break off contact with my business partner in my small company. I have an alright lifestyle on the face of it. I work maybe 4 or 5 hours a day in the week (not including endless procrastination, guilt, avoiding healthier pursuits out of guilt that I should be working - if you include that stuff... I work all the time). But... I just could not give 2 fucks about my company. Sometimes I think I wish it would just fail. But I don't know how to leave. If I do leave I know also I'll be fucking over our few staff, the company will be fucked and I'll probably make my own life a lot harder and possibly be personally liable for some rent contracts and fucking bullshit I should never have agreed to. But I just cannot. FUCKING. CONTINUE DOING THIS.

I hate my life a lot of the time, I try to pretend I don't but I do. I don't respect myself because I've devoted so much time propping up someone else's dream. My partner in fairness has changed a lot since our last conversation in that I no longer tolerate explicitly abusive shite but I feel like I've allowed myself to be manipulated into staying. We're clearly not really friends. It's obvious I'm unhappy. Our friendship is transactional, but it goes both ways because equally I don't know what I'd do if I left, my self confidence plateaued about 3 or 4 years ago and has declined since then, again I don't respect myself and I'm not sure if some of my older friends do either since I said a few times that's it I'm out and didnt have the balls to follow through.

I've thought about just walking away, like instantly, just leaving with nothing, and maybe I should... but I don't even know if I can, morally or financially... I'm gonna be 32 tomorrow... I've probably had it in the back of my head I want to leave for 2 or 3 years now. Am I just gonna do this forever? What a pathetic fucking spineless idiot I am. But maybe it's all the fucking drugs I take, including drugs just to make myself care. If I won the lottery or something I would quit on the spot and never look back. Again though... my life is alright. Most people I know would just not get it. I wonder if I'd be happier working at McDonald's or some shit... (I asked my friend about this the other day and he said he worked in hospitality for years... and the answer is definitely no ). But... every fucking day is just FORCING MYSELF to churn out some work, some of it I enjoy, or did once, mainly the technical software aspect... but even that's not fun anymore because where is it going? Just getting deeper into the FUCKING hole.

This is a first world problem though. I wouldn't prefer working in a salt mine in the Sahara desert or scrabbling for toxic metals in a poisoned dumping ground in the third world... all I have to do is work for 25 hours a week and grit my teeth whenever I have to deal with my tiresome, tiresome "friend"... I cant talk about this with him either because we've basically come to an agreement not to talk to each other about our emotions, about drugs, about leaving the company... basically any areas of difficulty which might cause conflict. I talk to my therapist and my other friends but no one really understands. But maybe I'm just a fucking lazy whiny bitch who doesn't know how good I have it. Fuck. Anyway thanks for reading anyone who bothers to read my spiel. Much love to you all.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Good luck @on.my.way🌿! You can do it I'm sure. Keto diet has numerous documented health benefits, carnivore diet might have some but it is somewhat unproven definitively. You are getting better if you're trying healthier options. Don't doubt yourself and keep trying, your mind is stronger than you know.

Spoiler: melodrama that I'm embarassed to have shared but don't want to delete entirely

Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too. I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...

On topic myself... god damn I'm feeling so shite today. I know part of the reason is I've been using some drugs that I should not be using in an effort to just deal with reality... but, fuck man, I just feel so trapped, I dont know what to do. I'm not really suicidal and I'm not going to kill myself but I actually duckduckgoed "maybe I should just fucking kill myself" today. Again I'm not going to but... Christ...

About a year and a half ago I posted a thread about "dealing with narcissistic friends" and got some good advice here but the main thing I did not take was to completely break off contact with my business partner in my small company. I have an alright lifestyle on the face of it. I work maybe 4 or 5 hours a day in the week (not including endless procrastination, guilt, avoiding healthier pursuits out of guilt that I should be working - if you include that stuff... I work all the time). But... I just could not give 2 fucks about my company. Sometimes I think I wish it would just fail. But I don't know how to leave. If I do leave I know also I'll be fucking over our few staff, the company will be fucked and I'll probably make my own life a lot harder and possibly be personally liable for some rent contracts and fucking bullshit I should never have agreed to. But I just cannot. FUCKING. CONTINUE DOING THIS.

I hate my life a lot of the time, I try to pretend I don't but I do. I don't respect myself because I've devoted so much time propping up someone else's dream. My partner in fairness has changed a lot since our last conversation in that I no longer tolerate explicitly abusive shite but I feel like I've allowed myself to be manipulated into staying. We're clearly not really friends. It's obvious I'm unhappy. Our friendship is transactional, but it goes both ways because equally I don't know what I'd do if I left, my self confidence plateaued about 3 or 4 years ago and has declined since then, again I don't respect myself and I'm not sure if some of my older friends do either since I said a few times that's it I'm out and didnt have the balls to follow through.

I've thought about just walking away, like instantly, just leaving with nothing, and maybe I should... but I don't even know if I can, morally or financially... I'm gonna be 32 tomorrow... I've probably had it in the back of my head I want to leave for 2 or 3 years now. Am I just gonna do this forever? What a pathetic fucking spineless idiot I am. But maybe it's all the fucking drugs I take, including drugs just to make myself care. If I won the lottery or something I would quit on the spot and never look back. Again though... my life is alright. Most people I know would just not get it. I wonder if I'd be happier working at McDonald's or some shit... (I asked my friend about this the other day and he said he worked in hospitality for years... and the answer is definitely no ). But... every fucking day is just FORCING MYSELF to churn out some work, some of it I enjoy, or did once, mainly the technical software aspect... but even that's not fun anymore because where is it going? Just getting deeper into the FUCKING hole.

This is a first world problem though. I wouldn't prefer working in a salt mine in the Sahara desert or scrabbling for toxic metals in a poisoned dumping ground in the third world... all I have to do is work for 25 hours a week and grit my teeth whenever I have to deal with my tiresome, tiresome "friend"... I cant talk about this with him either because we've basically come to an agreement not to talk to each other about our emotions, about drugs, about leaving the company... basically any areas of difficulty which might cause conflict. I talk to my therapist and my other friends but no one really understands. But maybe I'm just a fucking lazy whiny bitch who doesn't know how good I have it. Fuck. Anyway thanks for reading anyone who bothers to read my spiel. Much love to you all.

Do you like your therapist otherwise?

Narcissists, in the clinical sense, often aren't aware of how abrasive they come off. Or if they do, they just don't care.

I feel somewhat immune to them because i suspect my dad had similar traits to those i know IRL who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

I think the key is to be confident in your own abilities and don't take anything personally.

So he's gotten better over time? How so?

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Good luck @on.my.way🌿! You can do it I'm sure. Keto diet has numerous documented health benefits, carnivore diet might have some but it is somewhat unproven definitively. You are getting better if you're trying healthier options. Don't doubt yourself and keep trying, your mind is stronger than you know.

Spoiler: melodrama that I'm embarassed to have shared but don't want to delete entirely

Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too. I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...

Hope the rest of y'all headcases are feeling OK today too. I mean that as a joke of course, I hope it's not considered in ill humour or anything - the headcases comment I mean - not my good wishes for you all! Maybe I should delete that paragraph... just trying to inject some humour into my own gloomy predicament...

On topic myself... god damn I'm feeling so shite today. I know part of the reason is I've been using some drugs that I should not be using in an effort to just deal with reality... but, fuck man, I just feel so trapped, I dont know what to do. I'm not really suicidal and I'm not going to kill myself but I actually duckduckgoed "maybe I should just fucking kill myself" today. Again I'm not going to but... Christ...

About a year and a half ago I posted a thread about "dealing with narcissistic friends" and got some good advice here but the main thing I did not take was to completely break off contact with my business partner in my small company. I have an alright lifestyle on the face of it. I work maybe 4 or 5 hours a day in the week (not including endless procrastination, guilt, avoiding healthier pursuits out of guilt that I should be working - if you include that stuff... I work all the time). But... I just could not give 2 fucks about my company. Sometimes I think I wish it would just fail. But I don't know how to leave. If I do leave I know also I'll be fucking over our few staff, the company will be fucked and I'll probably make my own life a lot harder and possibly be personally liable for some rent contracts and fucking bullshit I should never have agreed to. But I just cannot. FUCKING. CONTINUE DOING THIS.

I hate my life a lot of the time, I try to pretend I don't but I do. I don't respect myself because I've devoted so much time propping up someone else's dream. My partner in fairness has changed a lot since our last conversation in that I no longer tolerate explicitly abusive shite but I feel like I've allowed myself to be manipulated into staying. We're clearly not really friends. It's obvious I'm unhappy. Our friendship is transactional, but it goes both ways because equally I don't know what I'd do if I left, my self confidence plateaued about 3 or 4 years ago and has declined since then, again I don't respect myself and I'm not sure if some of my older friends do either since I said a few times that's it I'm out and didnt have the balls to follow through.

I've thought about just walking away, like instantly, just leaving with nothing, and maybe I should... but I don't even know if I can, morally or financially... I'm gonna be 32 tomorrow... I've probably had it in the back of my head I want to leave for 2 or 3 years now. Am I just gonna do this forever? What a pathetic fucking spineless idiot I am. But maybe it's all the fucking drugs I take, including drugs just to make myself care. If I won the lottery or something I would quit on the spot and never look back. Again though... my life is alright. Most people I know would just not get it. I wonder if I'd be happier working at McDonald's or some shit... (I asked my friend about this the other day and he said he worked in hospitality for years... and the answer is definitely no ). But... every fucking day is just FORCING MYSELF to churn out some work, some of it I enjoy, or did once, mainly the technical software aspect... but even that's not fun anymore because where is it going? Just getting deeper into the FUCKING hole.

This is a first world problem though. I wouldn't prefer working in a salt mine in the Sahara desert or scrabbling for toxic metals in a poisoned dumping ground in the third world... all I have to do is work for 25 hours a week and grit my teeth whenever I have to deal with my tiresome, tiresome "friend"... I cant talk about this with him either because we've basically come to an agreement not to talk to each other about our emotions, about drugs, about leaving the company... basically any areas of difficulty which might cause conflict. I talk to my therapist and my other friends but no one really understands. But maybe I'm just a fucking lazy whiny bitch who doesn't know how good I have it. Fuck. Anyway thanks for reading anyone who bothers to read my spiel. Much love to you all.

I've only purged 2 since starting, I think of food like 7% of the time instead of 90%, my knee pain is almost gone, back pain a lot better, I require 2 hours less sleep per night... Im really happy I tried keto, if this is the result of only 10 days, I can't wait to see how I feel in a month!

About your text, I would recommend that you try to figure out how you want your IDEAL life to be. I mean totally ideal, like if you could choose exactly what you want. What kind of people do you want as friends, where do you want to live, like pick any country you want, what do you really want to work with, do you want a partner, do you want kids, do you want to travel the world or be a ceo of a big company... Figure that out, then see what steps you can take to get in the right direction. Set small goals that you can reach on the road to the bigger ones. Sure, some things are quite unnatainable in life, but you never now if you can get there before you try.
I can be very stuck in the mindset of " I JUST WANNA LEAVE THIS LIFE NOW TAKE ME AWAY SOMEWHERE ELSE" but I don't even know where I want to go, and that keeps me in this place I don't wanna be in. Uhhhmmm just rambling, sorry haha. Hope it was somewhat helpful. And now that I read it trough I find that once again I can give advice to people but have not even thought about applying it to myself, so probably gonna do that "goals-list" today. Lead by example as they say :D

 

[Vastness]

I've only purged 2 since starting, I think of food like 7% of the time instead of 90%, my knee pain is almost gone, back pain a lot better, I require 2 hours less sleep per night... Im really happy I tried keto, if this is the result of only 10 days, I can't wait to see how I feel in a month!

Fantastic to hear! Good for you! I'm sure you'll keep pushing that percentage down and that purging down! I'm sure you know this already but please do try not to purge if you can, inducing vomiting is pretty traumatic for your body and not a trauma that you deserve no matter what tricks your mind plays to convince you that it is. I would suggest keeping a journal of some sort, a private one, and each time you feel like purging, instead just write, write about your feelings towards it, what you are feeling, what you hope to get out of it, what you expect to happen, and analyse it rationally... my therapist advised I do this with problematic substance use and sometimes it really helps, not always, but, we're all only human.

About your text, I would recommend that you try to figure out how you want your IDEAL life to be. I mean totally ideal, like if you could choose exactly what you want. What kind of people do you want as friends, where do you want to live, like pick any country you want, what do you really want to work with, do you want a partner, do you want kids, do you want to travel the world or be a ceo of a big company... Figure that out, then see what steps you can take to get in the right direction. Set small goals that you can reach on the road to the bigger ones. Sure, some things are quite unnatainable in life, but you never now if you can get there before you try.
I can be very stuck in the mindset of " I JUST WANNA LEAVE THIS LIFE NOW TAKE ME AWAY SOMEWHERE ELSE" but I don't even know where I want to go, and that keeps me in this place I don't wanna be in. Uhhhmmm just rambling, sorry haha. Hope it was somewhat helpful. And now that I read it trough I find that once again I can give advice to people but have not even thought about applying it to myself, so probably gonna do that "goals-list" today. Lead by example as they say :D

Good advice... for sure. And I identify. I don't really know what I want. I guess what I want is just to have no responsibilities, not be tied down, just be able to spend time with friends and family and chill... work on myself, do things that I know are good for me, not do things I don't want to do, and not spend time with people who drain me... but I know that's not realistic in many ways, life is hard, and life doesn't owe me anything, and I owe it to people who are less lucky than I know I have been to persevere and find a way to see good in the struggle and to be grateful for what I have and a pleasant person to be around.

I do write a lot of goals lists and follow through on some of them, and don't follow through on others... but I guess again... as long as I keep trying and don't give up, that's OK...

Thanks for your response @madness00, I did reply but then deleted my reply out of paranoid fear of oversharing... I believe you may have seen or still be able to see my reply as a moderator in which case if you have any input I'd very much appreciate your input still although I'm aware also I'm just complaining somewhat vapidly so your recognition of my first post is valued anyway, always appreciate your input.

To summarise my reply so as not to break the flow of conversation and in any way that discussion of other people's issues is valuable to other people who are struggling... I do like my therapist - but I feel there might have been some confusion, maybe I didn't explain things clearly, as I never said intentionally I had any issue with my therapist - I feel I repeat myself with my therapist a lot, go over the same ground, swinging back and forth with the same issues... and therapists obviously aren't ever going to say "DO THIS AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE BETTER!" it's moreso just oh, how do you feel about that, what do you think about this, etc, etc, which helps but... I guess I just lack confidence in my own decisions a lot of the time...

As far as the difficult person in question getting better - they are less overt in their narcissism now. But, as I write this I wonder if in fact - I've just got better at dealing with it, better at drawing boundaries, rather than the change being in them. Although in the story of their life in their mind, the improvement has come from their own life changes. In mine, the improvement has come from my own maturation. Both of us may be partly correct, there is no real objective reality.

Anyway since yesterday I spoke to some good friends and feel a lot better, I have a plan now I think. There is 1 major project I need to finish which will have the effect of removing the bulk of my own role within the company, and hopefully set up an additional revenue stream which will fund part 2 of the plan, which is to hire 2 staff which I will train, one of them being a technical project manager to effectively entirely replace me - during this time I will temporarily defer my wage, ostensibly to speed up the transition - but also to remove this vulnerability while retaining my status as a shareholder - and prepare myself to take a permanent hiatus. I think if I do this I can set things up to sever ties without fucking myself or anyone else financially. I'm gonna give myself a 6 month target to execute the mission. I tried to do this once before... but once things seemed to be going well it seemed easier to stay so I aborted my plan to actually follow through on my exit... I won't make this mistake twice. Wish me luck and thank you everyone for your support and input.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Man i think you nailed it when you said you should walk away soon but not crater the.. relationship (didn't want to be too revealing).

People like this, as you mentioned, are often unaware of their own behaviors.

Does part of you feel bad for him?

It's easy to fall victim to such people to the point where it's draining. Maybe if you look at him as a bratty child?

@Vastness

 

[iridescentblack]

Trouble sleeping at night. Pain is mostly gone. Feeling like I've faced the worst, the darkest. My enemies try to change that; seen whatever in them I was supposed to. Embrace the monster within or has seeing part of my shadow in my enemies somehow liberated me?- made me wiser?