I am ultimately a slave to my own poor decision making. I´m a cosmic fool that finds, every time I feel I´ve figured it all out, I actually know next to nothing. I am someone who has read Marcus Aurelius my entire adult life as if it were my religion. I lived a life that was so contrary to the author´s ¨teachings¨ and I believe that is why they fascinated me. Furthermore, the control described by the author´s philosohpy; in a way, I grabbed a hold of control of my own life by becoming a Heroin user. That is what I thought.
I´ve been cursed with guilt my entire life. Guilt drove me to become a teacher. I constantly had to shed whatever dark thing was attached to my soul. A day at school would be worth 10 points. Being high as a kite on Heroin and Amphetamines in front of High-School Children, minus 11 points. Go home, try to help people however I can through my work here on the forums, 1 more point. Then I struggle the rest of the day to find out how I can get another half a point and go to sleep feeling not only like a man, but like a man who cares for the world more than he cares for himself.
I used to think this was a quality that broke me; made me a worse person ultimately; drove me to use drugs and Alcohol. I eventually started trying to shed the drugs from my life. I had seen everything that Heroin could show me. I could see that this vast, emerald city that I entered every time I got high, was more like Dubai, a poor charicature of what happiness is meant to be. Once you explore every room of that city, you´re forced to admit that there is no El Dorado.
I feel we are all on this planet, in this reality, to do what we can for the world. for those around us. We are meant to live, be happy, love one another, experience rromance, pleassure, but always save enough of ourselves to give to those who need it. Instead, we have turned away from one another and become distant. Everyone is in it for themselves.
I am faced with a further reconnoitering of my own psyche. I´m now looking at the event horizon of complete destruction for myself. I considered myself in recovery. Now that finances are so hard, I´m forced to admit that I am still a slave to subatances. I have tolerated these things as they have enabled me to live and be free fom Heroin. Now, as these things become less secure, I´m forced to admit that I´m likely going to be swept away in the same current that is sweeping away all of the working poor right now.
I just hope that when I´m gone, the world will have been left with more than what i took from it. I always felt like I had taken too much. I always felt the guilt. I hope that I have left something good in this world.
