When will I feel normal

[EPL1]

"Netflix and chill" sounds like a good day to me. ; )



Yes, i think you will be in better spirits when your family and children are around you. Enjoy the time with your lovely family Yuba.


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, your lovely wife and your whole family.

I'm here if you need me,
your friend,
Ash.

My mates out getting pissed snorting coke.I used to love this time of year even when we got home in early hours they would have trouble sleeping.In a weird way I get great satisfaction knowing in my drug safe I had heroin which would take all the shit from coke away.Could not tell them because they think gear a scum drug.Also loved time with friends that used gear the heroin and crack binges were great.Instead my highlight tonight is match of the day and maybe some sex

 

[yubacity]

Merry Xmas to you as well and a happy New year.You doing anything special ash this festive season.My fucking house looks like Santa's grotto.My last night of peace and quiet before family arrive.I get on with my in laws they welcomed me into the family when I got married and before when going out I can not ever forget that.Will have to take trip to Holland with him he wants to see where his family come from.Had fight with wife so sleeping in sons room.We had a fight over which way to cook a fucking turkey I always bring the fucking thing but she seen a different way on tv.I rather have a lamb curry to be honest

 

[EPL1]

I'm glad you all get along so well, that's really cool yuba!!!

Your wife is Dutch then?

Did you guys sort out how the turkey will be cooked? And yeah, lamb curry sounds pretty damn good!!!

My folks come into town tomorrow and will stay with me until boxing day. I am making a ham dinner. Should be good, I can only take my parents in small doses so after 2 days here I will probably be pulling my hair out. ; )

Merry Christmas to you and yours yuba!!! You're doing a great job and I am SO proud of you!!!!

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

Merry Xmas to you as well and a happy New year.You doing anything special ash this festive season.My fucking house looks like Santa's grotto.My last night of peace and quiet before family arrive.I get on with my in laws they welcomed me into the family when I got married and before when going out I can not ever forget that.Will have to take trip to Holland with him he wants to see where his family come from.Had fight with wife so sleeping in sons room.We had a fight over which way to cook a fucking turkey I always bring the fucking thing but she seen a different way on tv.I rather have a lamb curry to be honest

 

[yubacity]

I'm glad you all get along so well, that's really cool yuba!!!

Your wife is Dutch then? I am of Swedish heritage myself.

Did you guys sort out how the turkey will be cooked? And yeah, lamb curry sounds pretty damn good!!!

My folks come into town tomorrow and will stay with me until boxing day. I am making a ham dinner. Should be good, I can only take my parents in small doses so after 2 days here I will probably be pulling my hair out. ; )

Merry Christmas to you and yours yuba!!! You're doing a great job and I am SO proud of you!!!!

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing mate got your parents down for Christmas.Thats good they may do our head in but the love of parents can't be replaced.Yea my wife side Dutch on both sides.My kids gave me and their mom such a massive hug.My wife and her mom and sister plus kids jumping on train to London for shopping.They fucking crazy it will be manic today they better not lose a kid.Me and the old man going down the pub with my cousin and my mate where they will drink and I'll have a coke.The turkey war is over my wife won.I am loving life at moment my kids back and got her family down.Have a great christmas mate with your parents ash I mean that you mean a lot to me mate and I wish you happiness.

 

[CreamSodaFloat]

I've been sober for 14 months from drugs and alcohol, I wish I could say the same about porn, only managed 6 months and now use it bi-weekly. I still dream about my escape from reality. Problem is right now my family trusts me again. I've inherited money from my recently belated mother (she died a year ago today, and its Christmas) which I wouldn't have had access to had I still been doing drugs. still... with all the resources I have to go on a binge that would see myself dead before the money dried up I'm afraid to do it. My point is I don't think I will ever feel normal again but being sober for this long makes it difficult to relapse. I have a girlfriend now too 8 months strong, shes better stock than what you get in drug circles, I don't want to lose her. My father is still grieving the loss of his wife I think my relapse would push him over the edge he's already acting like he might kill himself any day now. I have a good life because of recovery, but I am and will always be an addict.

 

[yubacity]

I've been sober for 14 months from drugs and alcohol, I wish I could say the same about porn, only managed 6 months and now use it bi-weekly. I still dream about my escape from reality. Problem is right now my family trusts me again. I've inherited money from my recently belated mother (she died a year ago today, and its Christmas) which I wouldn't have had access to had I still been doing drugs. still... with all the resources I have to go on a binge that would see myself dead before the money dried up I'm afraid to do it. My point is I don't think I will ever feel normal again but being sober for this long makes it difficult to relapse. I have a girlfriend now too 8 months strong, shes better stock than what you get in drug circles, I don't want to lose her. My father is still grieving the loss of his wife I think my relapse would push him over the edge he's already acting like he might kill himself any day now. I have a good life because of recovery, but I am and will always be an addict.

How's it going bruv first of all congrats on 14 months clean that's really fucking good.For me your thought processes is the right way to go about it you thinking of all the trust you have gained while being clean and trust me the high is not worth the shit you feel after a relapse.You got shit loads to lose with your old man and girlfriend but you know that all ready.I too dream think of escape from reality all the fucking time but am not as strong willed as you and sometimes give in and relapse.When you said you a are and always be a addict is true for me but before I relapse I think I can just do it on weekends or some mental gymnastics on how I will control the use but never can.And watching porn a couple times a week not much that normal.I hate my sexual feelings hitting normal levels was so happy that gear controlled that stopped me cheating on wife keep doing what you doing because it's working for you and I hope you have some kind of Christmas with your mother passing this time last year

 

[EPL1]

Christmas was stressful.

Had my folks stay for a few days, a few days too much. Lol!!

The dinner was good though. How are your holidays going? Your kids get some nice gifts? I bet you're having fun with them!!!! Enjoy them Yuba, they're only yours (at home) for a little while.

You mean a lot to me too and you;re a good friend of mine, I will always have your back, just so you know.

Proud of you.

What are your New Years plans?

Happy Holidays, please extend my greetings to your lovely wife.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing mate got your parents down for Christmas.Thats good they may do our head in but the love of parents can't be replaced.Yea my wife side Dutch on both sides.My kids gave me and their mom such a massive hug.My wife and her mom and sister plus kids jumping on train to London for shopping.They fucking crazy it will be manic today they better not lose a kid.Me and the old man going down the pub with my cousin and my mate where they will drink and I'll have a coke.The turkey war is over my wife won.I am loving life at moment my kids back and got her family down.Have a great christmas mate with your parents ash I mean that you mean a lot to me mate and I wish you happiness.

 

[yubacity]

Christmas was stressful.

Had my folks stay for a few days, a few days too much. Lol!!

The dinner was good though. How are your holidays going? Your kids get some nice gifts? I bet you're having fun with them!!!! Enjoy them Yuba, they're only yours (at home) for a little while.

You mean a lot to me too and you;re a good friend of mine, I will always have your back, just so you know.

Proud of you.

What are your New Years plans?

Happy Holidays, please extend my greetings to your lovely wife.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing my friend how was your Christmas.Your parents still with you or they gone home.My Christmas was great sober clean but I enjoyed it.Got the kids simple presants can't get anything electrical because in UK we use 240 volts do won't work in states.Everytime I felt like using gear or pregabs I would go on here and read people's horror stories of wd that would put me of.Just the other day I was about to pop a pregab but remembered the bring you to my knees depression I had for over a week now I know using it once would not do that but I would not stop after one day.I spent nearly all of 2018 either detoxing or relapsing and has turned me from what I thought was a man's man to a emotional wreak.I thank you my wife and the bluelight community for not thinking here we go again he relapsed but instead giving me kind supportive words and some home truths aswell I love you all.I can't get Rio fantastic out my head not heard from him and last time he relapsed he od.One thing I want to do before leaving the UK is help him

 

[yubacity]

This is the hardest time of year for recovery.The amount of excuses I have made not to go out. Telling people I got food poisoning I should just be upfront and say I not going out because I will use.The loss of a social life that comes with being clean is hard when all your friends idea of a good time is getting on it.I need a new circle around me who are normal go out have a meal come home hopefully have some sex normal fucking things but I cant be content like that

 

[yubacity]

This is so shit midnight is approaching all my friends are getting smashed while im in my house doing fuck all.What I want to do is take a blast of crack smoke some brown this aint me.All I wanted was to be normal then found normal life boring.Why cant I be happy with my life fuck it I got loads of pregabs and codeine its new year

 

[EPL1]

Hey, I'm here.

Step away from the drugs, Yuba. ; )

You are bettering yourself, and yeah it's hard. But not forever.

And I agree, you do need new normal friends to hang with.

Here if you want to chat, hang in there my friend.

Love,
Ash.

This is so shit midnight is approaching all my friends are getting smashed while im in my house doing fuck all.What I want to do is take a blast of crack smoke some brown this aint me.All I wanted was to be normal then found normal life boring.Why cant I be happy with my life fuck it I got loads of pregabs and codeine its new year

 

[yubacity]

Hey, I'm here.

Step away from the drugs, Yuba. ; )

You are bettering yourself, and yeah it's hard. But not forever.

And I agree, you do need new normal friends to hang with.

Here if you want to chat, hang in there my friend.

Love,
Ash.

Sorry ash I already done the pregabs add a couple of 30 mg codeine's and thinking of doing a card off poppy pods.I have fucked off four people today pals I trust why because im. a pussy who a fucking junkie.My wife and her family gone to Sikh temple in gravesend.Ash I love you mate so I tell truth I miss my old life.I got everything anyone would love to have but I love getting smashed its all I know since 15 years old.

 

[yubacity]

The worse thing is your mind all the years of using brown I never used the needle because of a promise to my wife.Now I can spend all day thinking I never had the ultimate buzz.I watch documentaries of herion addicts after they shoot up they seem in. such bliss.I have never broken a promise to wife and I am glad I only smoked heroin but my fucked up head keeps fucking with me

 

[yubacity]

Im so sorry ash and I wish you and your family a happy new year.Im just on a downer today I miss my life I had I feel so lonely

 

[EPL1]

You don't need to apologize to me my friend. I will never judge you. You can start over again, don't worry. We are all here for you. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Love you, tomorrow is a new day.

Your friend,
Ash.

Im so sorry ash and I wish you and your family a happy new year.Im just on a downer today I miss my life I had I feel so lonely

 

[yubacity]

Just spilled half a bottle of whiskey in the sink got a shot of whiskey in room because I taken pregabs so wife and her family will think I have had a drink.My wife deserves better she looked stunning in. punjabi dress today.The girl I feel I love with all those years ago she deserves a proper man the man I was not this wreak I am now.I come from a family of men who served their country in wars.My grandad in ww2 my dad in the India Pakistan war of 1971.Then me a fucking waste of space

 

[yubacity]

Had a argument with my dad on phone he hurt me quite bad.Said he should have strangled me at birth have decided thats it with him he dead to me.This is what im heading into.Have to do it for my wife and kids.

 

[EPL1]

That was wrong of him to say that to you.

You are struggling, and human, and everyone has their struggles. You can do it Yuba. Don't listen to any negativity.

Here for you,
Ash.

Had a argument with my dad on phone he hurt me quite bad.Said he should have strangled me at birth have decided thats it with him he dead to me.This is what im heading into.Have to do it for my wife and kids.

 

[yubacity]

My daughters are smart as anything they will be ok.My son can fight does his boxing but he to soft and trusting I just ask god for enough years to make him a man.Now the pregabs kicked in im writing shit.Sorry but its New Years day and im not smashed

 

[yubacity]

That was wrong of him to say that to you.

You are struggling, and human, and everyone has their struggles. You can do it Yuba. Don't listen to any negativity.

Here for you,
Ash.

Everyday I cuddle and kiss my son because I know what its like not to get that.When you meet my dad you think he such a nice man to women he a gentlemen.But he beat us boys broken my ribs.His message to me on my first day of school was if you fight dont worry I will not beat you but if you lose a fight dont come home.The man is a cunt all three of us brothers are fucked mentally we all have addictions.But I still love him he my dad