Please merge with: What would you do if you were attracted to minors
Dear Moderators,
I had no intention of replying back but a lot of questions were asked so please merge my response with my following topic found at:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=548778
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Thank you to everyone for showing me tolerance, I was relieved to see there are open minded and compassionate members of society, I had not expected this and I could sure use friends like you guys in real life but it’s unfortunate that I don’t feel safe exploring that possibility. Thank you for also putting yourselves in my shoes and answering the question honestly.
Some people here still seem to be stuck on the idea that everyone with an attraction to minors faces the urge of sex, is that what the heterosexual and homosexual world struggle with constantly?
Sex is so over rated and insignificant, I don’t understand the motivation behind child molesters and rapist, why would anyone take the risk of engaging in a sexual offense when negatives out weight the positives of it, especially when sex only lasts for a few minutes? It seems absurd and illogical putting yourself and the child involved at risk for a few minutes of pleasure, after the sex is over then what? Will I be cured, will I be eternally satisfied? Is it such a life changing revelation that I must risk everything to experience it?
My point is sex is pointless, if I get a sexual urge I take care of it by myself, I don’t need anyone for that purpose and I sure don’t need anyone who is too young for sex to be involved in my few minutes of self-gratification. If i had sex with a minor that would create more problems for me then resolutions, I would feel even worse about myself, I would feel like a monster with no self-control. It would create pain, abuse and distress for the child involved, why would anyone who loves kids and is attracted to them cause them such grief and jeopardize their well being ? I love boys so much I would never want to see them harmed emotionally or physically. I have self-respect, compassion and dignity why would I abandon those for a few minutes of pleasure which I could achieve by myself masturbating anyways.
So can we please stop already assuming that all pedophiles obsess about experiencing a few minutes of insignificant sexual pleasure? I think it’s you guys who obsess about sex. Love and attraction is much more than just sex, I can live without someone else getting me off but it’s hard to live isolated, lonely and without a companionship.
Sure if this was an alternative reality where kids were able to consent to sex with full awareness with the same intellect as adults and if it wasn’t illegal, immoral, sinful or harmful to the person involved then I may have considered sexual interaction but even then it wouldn’t have been on the top of my agenda because I don’t view sex as a priority that needs to be shared with someone else, it doesn’t take two to experience an orgasm but it takes two to experience love.
I am here acknowledging the years of emptiness and loneliness this fate has created for me so why is it that is even considered as obsessing? What am I obsessing about? Am I a robot? Should I just shut up and live out my life ignoring my senses screaming out that something is missing. The emptiness I feel doesn’t even have the face of a child, its just a missing piece of the puzzle from my heart, I feel the constant emptiness but only when I try to fill it and inspect its shape I realize the missing puzzle piece for me is a boy, for you it may have different shape but the gap it leaves feels the same for everyone.
I just live by myself day after day after day, years go past and the emptiness doesn’t get any better and the hurt gets worse, I don’t think or obsess about it, I just FEEL it with all of its painful glory, the same way you guys have felt when you have been alone in your life for extended periods, except mine is a lifelong.
Then I see the face of a beautiful handsome young man walking past and suddenly my heart ignites and his beauty hurts me so badly tears fill my eyes, I feel like I want to be near him sitting there staring at his flawless face all day long just listening to him talk. I want to interact with him but not necessarily in a sexual way, I want to hang out, partake in activities watch movies, play video games, enjoy the world and spoil him, entertain him. Young teenagers are a reflection of how I childlike I still feel. To me young teenagers are an example of flawlessness and human perfection, they are like an anima character with their big bright eyes and fresh expressions, their skins seems perfect without wrinkles, blemishes and little to non- body hair, their thin, slender athletic structure and agility has a youthful appeal I can’t see this in adults, no matter how hard I try, to me adults seem old, hairy, smelly, like piece of fruit starting to go soft, the thought of being intimately touched by an adult disgusts me. I can acknowledge when an adult looks handsome or pretty but even then I just feel like I am looking at a nice beautiful car or painting but no more than that. I don’t even have to think about it when I see a handsome boy, the feeling I get is immediate, it’s like OMFG!! it takes away my breath and shakes my world, but it also his beauty hurts me like hell.
I don’t just find all boys attractive either, people seem to think pedophile like all children; hell no! that is not the case with me. I am extremely selective, I once went to a baseball game where it seemed there were thousands of boys around and the entire time I was there I only saw about 7 or so boys that I felt an attraction to amongst the thousands, as for all the others if in a hypothetical situation they came up to me and started talking to me I would probably find an excuse to walk away from them due to any lack of interest. If i wasn’t interested in the least not even to socialize with the type of boys outside of my attraction then I don’t think I have chance in hell with adults who I have absolutely no attraction to. I find adults much appealing as a gay man may find a woman appealing.
It’s like when people become adults they lose something which I don’t seem to have lost yet. I love that younger boys are so fun loving and share the same views, hobbies, activities, clothing, music, and choice of entertainment I do in life. I don’t have any insecurities talking to adults as questioned earlier and I don’t think of myself as dominant and attracted to kids because of that or they are innocent. It’s just a particular look that sets me off, boys with bright blue eyes and blond hair with perfectly symmetrical faces with everything in what seems like perfect proportion, I am just attracted to perfection, cuteness, anima like cool characters and those puppy dog faces. Anything beyond that such skater boys, hip clothing, cool hairstyles and the attitude just reinforces my attraction even more.
You don’t just develop this sort of an attraction form a childhood trauma as questioned earlier, I had a great childhood, I was never abused or mistreated, I find it odd that people would assume trauma could result in misguided love. Is love and attraction so trivial ? to me it seems much more complex and biological like some sort of random chemical reaction that sets of in the brain when you see the one.
I know love is much more then something superficial but I had I been homosexual or heterosexual I would have still believed in the importance of a physical attraction as a foundation to try and discover inner beauty or other compatibilities. In a hypothetical situation i could not love an ugly boy with a great personality as much as I could not love a stunningly handsome boy with a horrible personality. The balance is the perfect combo. Not that I am ever going to be in relationship but I am just giving insight as to what makes me tick. My situation is a conundrum an absolute paradox that has me in hole unable to ever get out.
A psychologist may help but I am afraid to see one, the whole meeting could very quickly turn ugly if I happen to meet one that didn’t share my views and assumed he could change my sexuality this through cognitive therapy which is just a bunch of nonsense, or yet if he assumed I was sexually abused as child and that it effected my mental health or if he assumed I was a threat or became annoyed with me for disagreeing with his views and reported back to my referring doctor explaining the situation. So many things could go wrong here. So I will not see a psychologist.
I’ve had bad experiences with shrinks in the past when I consulted them for various reasons other than the pedophile thing which I am so glad I never mentioned to them. All the shrinks I’ve seen have mental problem themselves, for real! I even reported done that became aggressive towards me when I didn’t t agree with his views and then to defend himself against my official complaint he made up a bunch of lies saying I was there for drugs when that was never the case. I don’t trust any of those wackjobs.
I understand society’s hatred of me because I share similar vies towards adults who are attracted to young girls, I know this makes me hypocrite but it disgusts me that an adult could be attracted to young girls who seem so fragile, innocent and vulnerable. I feel like at least with boys they are a lot stronger, dominant, cheeky and assertive then girls at the same younger age but I know my reasoning is flawed because any attraction is just as wrong. Then there are the pedophiles who are attracted to toddlers and babies which make me feel utterly sick because infants have absolutely no defense, but I have to keep reminding myself I am no better and if I want tolerance from society then I also need to tolerate others even if I feel their attraction is worse than mine, unless of course they are the offending, molesting type then I believe they should just be hanged. This whole thing is such a conundrum, its like maze with every direction coming to a dead end. What an absolute fucking mess and I’m in, some days I can’t believe this has happened to me, it’s like I’m watching someone else’s life unravel.
I appreciate if you have read this far and the details I have gone into is to avoid having to further reply to questions that may arise. So please I hope you can understand I will only be reading what you guys say but I won’t be replying anymore. Thanks.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
