Did you lose a lot of friends?
Thank you
... I'm not that confident atm...been sticking the needle up and down my legs to i.m. low dose K... And redosed the Diazepam as well... Idk...feels a bit hopeless.. Tbh I never even considered professional help...I only heard about 12 step meetings on here and I don't really know what they're about 
Some people just don't get anything recreational from it. I don't really know why, and gabapentin is such a strange drug pharmacologically that I can't even guess as to why that might be. But I have met a lot of people who get nothing from it even with high doses, staggered doses, etc.
Lost one of my closest friends to a H overdose a couple years ago. He was my best friend at some point. Then a few others who lost their lives, some who lost their freedom and some who lost their mind.
Its worth a shot, it might not click for you but I would give it an honest chance and go to at least 10+ meetings before you decide if its for you or not. I think you will find that there are more people who we share stories with as addicts than we previously thought.Thank you
Hmm... First of all thank you for bothering
I don't think that I have a pre-existing disposition on neuronal level, though ofc I don't know fs... I'm basically using drugs to escape my marriage/life ( I called it zombie marriage before and I still think it fits). I'm hardly ever alone but a big part of me is as lonely as can be... Do you believe that you are worthy and deserving love and a functional partnership? I thought I did, but what I really chose is a nightmare 
. If you're interested and have a lot of time on hand you can read it up here: https://www.bluelight.org/community/threads/i-just-hate-being-sober.945915/
. It's a nice vicious cycle that's keeping everything as it is on endless repeat...
I'm very sorry for your losses
. It's a strong reminder of the fact that we're never suffering alone - it always affects those close to us, be it good or bad...Thank you
.You made me read up some recovery resources and I'm grateful for that . I'm not done reading yet but didn't want to delay the reply any longer . What I found very interesting is this one: https://www.bluelight.org/community/threads/mindfulness-based-harm-reduction-resources.787080/
To avoid totally derailing the thread I'll probably just have to PM you sometime soon as there is quite a bit I wanted to say in response, but I will say briefly that if writing on here is a form of self expression you might also try journaling or other forms of writing. Writing might work better (or address certain emotional needs better) as a form of expression if you are not writing for an audience.Hmm... First of all thank you for bothering
It certainly doesn't cover every detail but it will give you a good idea. To sum it up in short is that I have and had an even worse fear of being a single parent. So separation is difficult but will be eventually unavoidable. Until then I'm facing frustrations on a regular basis and a little more than two years ago started looking for an escape. Some (mental) space that could give me relief and the fulfillment I've been missing for more than a decade...
By now I can't finish work and come home without the monster inside demanding it's reward for shutting up for a while... My me-time is at night when the kids are asleep - which results in chronic sleep deprivation and exhaustion. (I'd actually need a regular stim to avoid the sleep attacks at work but I refuse to use more than just caffeine for that...). Also the time I have is p much exclusively spent on drugs and online - that's my private life... Hobbies - nil. Expression - writing on here. That's it actually. Boredom is not from having nothing to do but from not wanting to do what I should
Sorry for the wall of text
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How does deschloroetizolam compare with regular etizolam? Just curious.
Can’t compare the two unfortunately, can’t get etizolam. I find benzos to be very flaky with the effects they produce for me, my tolerance seems to go up crazy fast too, so I’m trying to keep that low as benzo wd is the last thing I need and it just wouldn’t be worth it in my opinion.
As far as the less sedating ones are concerned I also really fear the illusion of sobriety/black out risk.
, though I probably need at least 75 to knock out..
- the reason why I want a benzo..
)
I took 1mg phenazolam (clobromazolam) with 5mg the deschloroetizolam and once the phenazolam hit, that shit knocked me tf out
So I've been looking all over for the most sedating and muscle relaxing ones out there... I might have missed something but looks like Diazepam is the king of the latter, for sedation I'm not sure... Bromazolam seems to be reasonable though it seems far more addictive than Diaz - opinions welcome.
OT: as I couldn't decide on anything else yet ended up going for an AP after a long time - 50 mg Melperon, perfect for oldies like me
25 mg Tramadol
50 mg dmh - bad idea, double side effects
(and a ridiculously tiny shot of K cause I was so dissatisfied