Well hi i'm back ...

[S.M.F.G]

^ agreed, unfortunatly theres a big mess up there in that subconcious mind atm, surpressed memorys, differed grief etc comeing out now and presenting with described stmptoms plus one or two other(i dont wanna go there right now).
So im told its gonna be slow going, that they (doc, psycologist) dont wanna dig too fast too quick. the reason i started this thread was to doco my taper and have support,
but right now i need the benzos and lots more counceling, i do know how fucked it is to be dependant on benzos, and im not lookin foward to have to start ot taper when the time comes....again.. But weeks been better as i said before ... all u here folks thanks 4 readin il b posting my progress unless im banned for setting a mod on fire or something

 

[S.M.F.G]

woke up today fairly well, got my liln up and off to school, left sitting alone i looked out the window....i dont wantto go out there, well i dont have to thank fuck..dumped my 2mg of Xanax and came here.
since wensdays session ive been gettin really upset easily, which is not me
im worried these endep are taking effect on me and somehow changeing or taking a part of me away that i dont want it 2.... im looking at things and nothing seems to be of any interest, im just running around like a clone doing housework.
its only been like an hour since i had my 2mg im already scratchin and fighting not to have my third one but i thinks that i will probably soon, my teeth are in pain and i have no scripted painkillers left nor can afford anythiing over the counter which does fuckall anyway.
ever since wensdays session ive just had the desire to be numb...and have been drinkin a little.
Feelin really messed up right now people, in termoil dont know what to do.
is there anyone out there who is getting this, i need help and am sorta getting it, but hate being addicted to xanax and now with revelations of surpressed grief coming out i just dont know how to deal with it and have become not me

 

[S.M.F.G]

well hi all, just an update, im still on 3mg of xanax a day but most often its 4mg.... up and down days, ive been drinking a bit and am worried my alchohl intake is gettin outta hand, but well im still giving my daughter everything she needs, takin care of my current G/F who has her own lot on her plate and trying to fight taking op8s stronger than codiene for my teeth. i can score ms contin but would rather not mess with that after my little iv morph experience a while back, and plus it will just be habbit forming which is the last thing i need.. another substance im dependant upon
weed mixed with legal herbals has been helping but only minorly.
god i hope theres someone out there reading this who can relate, i feel really alone but i still got my daughter and G/F without whom id b a lost cause.
sorry 4 the bump mods i just gotta log this shit

 

[S.M.F.G]

another shamefull bump.... i been outta it, cant help but take the xanax atm, but now i gots codiene tabs and go to the doc when the pain gets too bad, he's nice enough to administer me what he calls a dental block, im assuming its like a general anesthetic that might last longer im not 100% sure.

Ive been drinking every day for a bit now on top of my meds.. i think its coz i dont want to deal with my repressed trauma, I just want to be numb right now and try and forget things that are sending me into an emotional mess.

Not the best idea i know but its btter than panic attacks and horrible grief and unexplained bouts of falling apart, crying etc.
im ok up untill about 10 am, i still am able to look after my daughter without her id have no reason to live, after 2mg im able to get out my door, but tough it out if she wants to go somewhere even if i feel uncomftorbale i do it for her.

I feel like the shittest parent in the world right now although im really trying to keep myself together for her sake, and i know how much she loves me and ive been assured that im a great dad, it just doesnt feel like that to me right now

hope someone out there is reading this and can relate..
Slortaone uv been so kind in this period of utter shit, again i want to thank you and all those who have responded to this thread, im out now b4 i get too messy, im 3mg of xanax up i want a fourth but really try not to, with that the codiene and about 7 standered drinks, im finding all this shit a little easier to deal with, the therapy is bringing up some bad shit from my childhood that im terribly afraid of. id just love to be like a normal person but it seems impossible.

is there anyone out there who is going thru the same? id really apreicate some advice or even a kind word.. im so fucked up right now and it distresses my little girl, which cuts me so deeply even though she puts on her smile 4 me, i feel a failure and she deserves so much more than i can provide for her now im jobless and need meds to even get out of my house, i want to get over this so we can spend our fun times together before she hits the teens coz then she wont want a bar of me.
Treasure ur children and love them, mine has saved my life, and given me reason to live, i cant leave her in this fucked up world by her self, and shes shit scared of loseing me as we have always been together, it really hurts me to c her acknolege that im sick, but il always give her what she needs, and right now thats me. thanks for bearing with me Bluelighters especialy TDS crew.
really down today, i gotta get my shit together so i can @ least take her to the park . Id love to b able to buy her chips 4 lunch but im unemployed and broke now i can barley keep enough food here for us so im not eating atm so she can get all the vitimans n shit and not ever be hungry, it breaks my heart to even think that that could happen to her and i fuckingwell wont let that happen.
S.M.F.G signing off now 4 a lil, im too upset posting this and dont want to spend our weekend with her worring about me, a little calm down time is needed right now. will repost later n report how we went.
Much love to all uz here 2
this forum is really important to me i just wanna say thanks

 

[S.M.F.G]

yesterday...I awoke, took xanax, took codeine, started smokin and was into the booze by 9AM
i think i drank 2 litres of wine at least...it would b a gross understatment to say i was a total mess by lunchtime, i didnt get to go out anywhere although i got a friend to give me a huge bag of DVD's so that my child could at least have something to do other than play with her phone/ nintendo etc... was in no state to be able to play ball or frisbee...
as trashed as i was my grief n pain was still there, my GF visited me and was so upset she sat crying with me for a good period.. i told her that i was no good 4 her and she deserves better, luckily i think she really loves me and told me that shed be there for me and that it was just destroying her to see me like this. around dinner time i managed to get some spagetti on toast for my girls diner (know its not the best) but i didnt feel like cooking meat n veg. retired to my room and continued to cry cry and drink, it came to the point where i started to burn myself with my ciggerettes in the hope the phisical pain just might override my mental grief.
awoken today, feeling shit had my xanax and am resolveing to try not to drink
its fucking me up way too much, my self harm really worried me thank god i can hide it from my child.... im still here but i spose off to the doctor again in two days will just have to wait n c how i goes.....
definitly things seem to be getting worse 4 me rather than better, just got of the phone with a woman whom i consider a second mother to me, whos seen me fall and pick myself back up outta the shit, she reassures me i will do it again. kinda hopes but now theres a fucking fight going on outside i cant fucking handle it im going back to bed now. il repost tomorrow if i can
SMFG fucked up n signin out

 

[S.M.F.G]

Havnt been on in a few days, posting progress.....
more doctor appts, more psycologist, thinking im making some progress in some areas, mainly my issues of coping with my fathers death.... so sick and tired of crippeling anxiety im fucked as soon as i wake, damiana tea sometimes.... but still sitting on 4 mg xanax per day.

cant leave the house without it, and my initial dose of 2mg is now only just slightly easing the pressure i feel in the outside world. bunch of shit has happened in the last few days, im not really feeling like posting all that right now, im fairly agitated from a mess that was left from my previous housemate...(lived underneath my house)

had a run in with the filth... every time i go to this part of towm im pulled up and fucking harassed or pinned as a drug fucked bad guy, the only reason i was over that way was to be @ my daughters award thingee the other day, which took extra xanax, that was BEFORE these cunts pulled me up... i think i ended the day on about 6 mg. Still here though fighting every day to try and stay mentaly active or i find im dwelling on all my sadness and grief/guilt.

i have so little money this week i will have to for the first time in my life aproach a charity for a food voucher, no money for cigerettes, weed, herbals..... nothing i just got the rent paid and a little food this week which is fucking depressing

will c how things are after tomorrow, n rest assured il b back posting progress

feel bad bumpin this all the time but its kinda like my log now, amazeing how things can go from well to shitstorm so quickly... such is life i spose its just suckin right now

 

[S.M.F.G]

weeerl.... 2mg to get out this morning, had to suss out the dentist as one of my teeth in piticular was just so infected, nasty and painfull that a generous family member offered to have the main offender removed.. okies i said so we went to the dentist and he's like yep come back in like halfa....
FUUUUCK back home peakin as 2 more mg xanax down the hatch but was calm as a monk by the time i got in the chair... didnt take overly long for the fucking price that was charged but so much pressure was applied he said that i was gonna be a sore motherfucker for a few days, so off to the doc i went and well they wernt in today.
Again FUUUUUCK what now.. emergency appt with another doc, total stranger luckily this generous family member came with me, otherwise id have been SOL&JWF shit outta luck and jolly well fucked.. managed to get some oxy's not a whole pack but still enough to get rid of the pain till i get back to my regular GP who wulda sorted me in a flash...
The anti depressants must have worked good with the Mugwort i smoked yesterday as ive overall had one of the least fucked days depression wise since fucking i cant remember when.. Very Lucid dreaming last nite seemed to stretch out for hours to the point i was a little pissed off when i awoke that i was back in reality..... well i was having fuckin fun in dreamtime.
anyways back to the doc on mon with enough oxy's to keep my jaw pain @ bay and give me that warm feeling that is only op8s will do
sposed 2 b restin so im off to do that now.... baby steps n maybe il win the battle.

 

[S.M.F.G]

update

Yar well its been a couple of days but im still here, been gettin shit done although i been reliyin on tha xanax briikz to take some steps foward, teh ol shot of douch courage for a thing or 2
gots ma sum klopinz now hopefullly i will b able to stick to this regement without fuckin up..... emergency xanniez oh hand...
been thrown another trycilic ta replace the one that woz doin fine..fucks me why but theres been some nasty side effects
tomorrows another day will just have to wait n c what it brings. This new trycilic think its clomipramine is fuckin with me a bit but il perisst wit it till it gets outta hand i spose, glad to b gettin on these klopinz hoping the longer halflife will help me maintian my shit a little better, therapy was missed.. dunno if that was a mistake or on purpose, i know i got some issues n maybe im putting off dealing with em....
but fuck it i got heaps done in the last few days to get my life back on track
will b interesting to see how i go as this has been the worst bout ive ever had, im sure the memorys that are locked back there arnt gonna be good im not sure if im ready to face those things yet...
time willl tell , update when i can, im prett mashed right now,,,,,, cocktails gotten interesting

 

[S.M.F.G]

reportin progress it seems like for ever that ive writen in here but still been about...Klopin seems to be doing me fine i feel free for the first time in at least a month, chucked one med 4 another yer, but not grabbin 4 more n more, and i can go out which i think is progress... cunt therapy tomorrow i saw this as i normaly have a quite intense time in there emotionly, thusly have a kind of dislike for it although im willing to stick it out.
had a minor altercation the other day i did have two drinks though, but was calm enough to be diplomatic and avoid a mess i coulda made, just not gonna be stoood over by anyone, im totaly out of xanax now and am feelin much better with that longer half life.
will be interesting to see what the next few dayss will hold, im prayin for luck i hope i can get somewhere this time, time will tell

 

[totach]

hey man, i dont really know how u feel but i do cuz im in the same hell as u thats for sure. I really hope u dont get hooked on those pain killers cuz thats the worst thing that can happen to you right now.What i wouldnt giv to b able to take painkillers as needed me n u hav the opposite addictions i am addicted 2 heroin but i also dabble with benzos 4 sleep but i am not physically addicted i dont think.Anyways when i did what ur doin now basically writing in a thread where i would get a response here n there really made me feel better and it actually kept me clean 4 alittle while then i relapsed n dissapeared from bl.Anyways i wanted to tel u how i really admire the fact how u always mention ur daughter n g/f that is nice to see. You can tel u hav a good heart dont let that go 2 waste keep ur head up man.
best of luck

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ so nice of you man, so many many thanks 4 takin the time to read.
Ur also right when u get some feedback or response it does make things seem a tad better
ive just dropped a couple mg of klopin, promised my girl id take her to a carnival at a local school today, got my emergency doseage on hand, ran myself outta codiene but thats not a huge worry, i dont CWE anymore and took my last 120 mg the other day..... (i used to have a whopping 400mg odd) tolerence couple of years ago when i was also fuckin with pods and seeds.
one fullstrenght beer seems to put me a lil better in these situations, just must only have one but coz after that i can get messy thats the last thing i want today. me thinks il b writing in here again when i return
Take care of yourselfs everyone, and while ur @ it, try n take care of someone else

 

[habboz]

Have fun spending time with your daughter at the carnival!

Hopefully things keep getting better for you

 

[Downloader08]

Hey man, I just stumbled upon this thread. I don't normally come to TDS, but I read your thread and it really got to me. The most important thing is to confront the feelings that are causing you these problems, sort them out and then you can sort out the benzo problem. How was your day out at the carnival?

Mate, if you want to talk to someone, about anything at all, just PM me and I will be more than happy to chat. Take care of yourself, and hopefully I'll hear from you soon

 

[S.M.F.G]

only half reportin in.... so much to tell, im 2 fucked offa kpnz n alchohol n codeine n im jus in 4 a few sentences.. Fair was good
my kids happy and im not toaly broke but yer theres something i dont want to deal with and i am hiding this with piss. sux cause i realise it i just gotta stop it. Im feelin like iv had som good hammer or something i gta go n sort my shit out, come back later and try and dribble some sence.... ty everone 4 ur ureplies its uplifitng in a way that some randoms out there care
S.M.F.G

 

[S.M.F.G]

weeklong progress

seems a long time but reportin in gud things i think this time round.
been gettin shit done, im not wakeing anxious, klopin seems to b doing its job and i need only dose once in the morning and in fact cut back.5mg which is smashing!!
Although ive problems with a wisdom tooth, pain has been an issue for some time now was RX'd a box of para./codeine 30mg a week . run out the OTC shits expensive and lacks codeine in sufficent dose.
Had a bloodtest, and well what a surprise my liver has copped a beating from paracetomol and piss the latter im glad to say i cut out soon after my last post. so finaly finaly im to get some decent pain relief no more paracetamol. hopefully i wont need it 4 long and im gettin it fixed within a forthtnight fingers crossed.
My kids off on holidays with her mother who was able to have her these hols which is gud as my girl was so cut when she didnt get 2 c her last time it impacted on me alot 2, so im trying to enjoy the break and stress less, i dont get the break often and usualy am off doin stupid shit when shes away but im bein pretty good i suppose with good reason.
Im getting a lovley injecton in by ass tomorrow as soon as i can afford to fil the script and then keep on keepin on.... one thing noted about the klopin is thats its like in a way valiums bigger tougher brother, ive felt a little emotional a couple of times this week but thats really been nothing new for a while now anyways, suposed to be good im told by the therapast.
im out....chillin n surfin here n there right now. just gotta play tha waitin game

 

[S.M.F.G]

weekend update... im in PK heaven atm which is good as my teeth have been really givin it 2 me, Klopin imo is the shit 4 me, down on 2.5mg per day anxiety little to none, waking well not as emotional. The latter of the three i atribute to the painkillers, im not overusing anything but have eniugh to keep me pretty blissfull, the only thing which is a little dodgy, is im snortin one, sometimes one n a half extra oxys to get a bit of a buzz goin... i need a caneing for that but fuck im just tryin to get by....
My kids on hols so ive got a break happenin, but overall been feelin mighty fine, only enough benzos to last me till i go to doc but as i said ive not felt the ned 4 any more of those and in fact have cut down.... Just hope im not on these painkillers for anymore than a month, can see a habbit waiting 4 me right there (not like i dun luv my op8s but dont wanna go down the same wd path as i did with pods/seeds.
would be interesting to c if anyones still readin this shit on a sunday when everyone should be out having fun or some horseshit like that
Out 4 now, i shall return

 

[S.M.F.G]

climbin teh ladder, but slippin occasionaly

Back again..... here to share wit all those who will read, how ive traveled in the last week.
Ive been very happy with my klopin im sticking to 3mg per day,Anxiety wise its greatly reduced lots of the time barley there.
Cut out the booze as i came to realise just how stupid this mix is. had another tooth pulled just days ago, so theres only one or two more to go, therapy sucked as always i hate having my emotions flow so negitivley and always feel like shit after ive been like im gaining nothing but dragging up painfull shit and reminding myself of all the negitaves from the week/fortnight.

Still gots on the oxys im sorta good with them but do have a op8 tollerence so one or two extra and occasionaly one or two insuflated but its holding my jaw pain, headaches, and my teeth at bay n when its gone its gone and im back ot CWE if needed for severe pain which i dont realy like, But most of the timei can make em last just depends on how bad the pain is on the day, when im not in pain im not takein em.

Kinda feel on most days like im climbing the ladder but occasionaly something happens and i feel like ive been kicked down a couple of rungs, But im still fuckin climbin folks.

oxy and klpoin also work wonderfully together, so thats peachy.
repost progress again i will, theres a lot ive left out but ive just not the drive to type and think about all the bullshit, just lookin @ the positive this time, im sure il be back bitching about something next time

But goddammit this one aint gonna b the one, Not today im feelin good n wanna keep it that way

 

[Lolie]

But im still fuckin climbin folks.

And that's what matters. Keep reaching for the stars.

For what it's worth, not all types of therapy involve revisiting the past. CBT is based on giving you tools to cope with the present and doesn't really explore what led to you being fucked up. So if you get to the point where you feel as though you can't handle your current course of therapy, there are other styles which may suit you better - and good therapists adapt the style of therapy to the patient.

 

[S.M.F.G]

And that's what matters. Keep reaching for the stars.

For what it's worth, not all types of therapy involve revisiting the past. CBT is based on giving you tools to cope with the present and doesn't really explore what led to you being fucked up. So if you get to the point where you feel as though you can't handle your current course of therapy, there are other styles which may suit you better - and good therapists adapt the style of therapy to the patient.

Its funny you brought that up as iwas at a govt multi health service place the other day and i mentioned about not diggin the therapy (i visit a psycologist)
and they gave me the number for them as they also offer counceling, might not hurt me to go and speak with someone else.
Want to stay well away from ATODS though those people have no fucking idea and its just the worst system imo fucks more people up then it helps.
Thanks 4 ur reply Lolie i feel a bit lonley on this thread sometimes and the encouregement truly helps.... Thankyou again
best wishes S.M.F.G

 

[Lolie]

Its funny you brought that up as iwas at a govt multi health service place the other day and i mentioned about not diggin the therapy (i visit a psycologist)
and they gave me the number for them as they also offer counceling, might not hurt me to go and speak with someone else.
Want to stay well away from ATODS though those people have no fucking idea and its just the worst system imo fucks more people up then it helps.
Thanks 4 ur reply Lolie i feel a bit lonley on this thread sometimes and the encouregement truly helps.... Thankyou again
best wishes S.M.F.G

I've had some shitty experiences with counsellors in the past myself. I see a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist (one of the few remaining shrinks who still does therapy here) and I find the combination of their different styles works really well for me. But it's really hard to make yourself try again when something hasn't worked that well for you in the past - whether it's meds or therapy.

I actually pay to see my psychiatrist and he's worth every cent of the $90 I pay out of pocket each time. You pretty much can't get to see one in the public system here now unless you're actively suicidal or having command hallucinations.

I was desperate when I sought help this time around but I was also really cynical about whether or not meds and counselling would have a better outcome this time than they have in the past. I'm pleased to say that they have.

It's funny how we'd sack a tradesman who wasn't doing their job to our satisfaction and yet most of us will stick with health professionals even when we're not getting the results we want. Sometimes I think we're a bit too willing to assume that if something's not working for us it's our own fault.