Well hi i'm back ...

^^^

I hear you on the work thing. I got downgraded from a work capacity of of 8-15 hours to 0-7 by Centrelink's own assessors, which is a real bitch as I'm on Newstart. My own doctor isn't going to release me for work until I've been stable for at least 3 months and that hasn't happened yet so I'm stuck in this zone where I'm doing better but not better "enough" and feel like a fraud at times because I'm nowhere near as bad as I was a year ago.

I'm getting wary of the multidrug cocktails as they really don't seem to be working well for many people. I understand trying them, but it seems pretty pointless to keep people on them or to just add another drug to the mix if they aren't working anyway - it gets to the point where it's impossible to tell what's a product of the underlying illness and what's a side effect of the drugs themselves.

On a side note, I find it ironic that OTC pain relievers containing codeine have gone behind the counter in my state but you can still buy cold and flu preparations containing the same amount of paracetamol and codeine off the shelf without consulting a pharmacist and you can still buy lethal quantities of paracetamol for bugger all (the reasoning was supposedly that people are damaging their livers by taking too much paracetamol to get the codeine). A lot of people are just going to take bigger doses of paracetamol now.

Hope things go well with your doc this afternoon.
 
well i have said before that i have a good doc.... stands to reason that i've just sat waiting two hours to get in.

So this last couple of weeks events came out, told id upped from 3 to 4mg but was fairly good anxiety wise, there was no problem with this. written my script and given some pk's gotta go back in a couple of weeks, As long as i can keep to my 4 mg per day i should be fine... i was asked weather i think i should be on xanax or klopin to which i could only say well the xanax is rapid but klopin is keepin me more on the level. But hopefully can maybe get back to work by dec.

not plannin on sleepin any time soon i gots shit on my mind now with no TP to wipe it, kinda aggrivated for some reason dun no why....

reportin bak tomorrow:|
 
Hope things are starting to get better S.M.F.G - let us know how your evening/night goes.
 
Well i wish i could say that i was fine today........

I am not fine.

Awoke after just a couple of hours sleep (watched George Carlin most of the night) im feelin really pissed off today, got kiddo off to school ok masking how i was feeling. Then went on to destroy a tree in the backyard with a machetee and a hatchet, kicked some styrophome to bits and punched a board out of the side fence...

im annoyed at being so broke i've always worked and as i cant right now im finding it hard to survive. Rent gets paid food gets brought scripts get filled and im left with sweet fuckall.

In piticular im annoyed with a few people whom while i was working i helped out a few times and now im in the shit financaly no one wants to know me.

I have not asked much of these people whom i might add are all working and well off, just a ciggy or two or an elmer fudd, but yar what went around didnt come back around, least to say ive culled my list of supposed friends to a small circle most of whom live in other states.

Thinkin i shoulda taken my klopin sooner i only just had them 20 mins ago, im still pissed off but at least im calm now, i rarley ever loose my bikkie but a hell of a lot of anger was released this morning (its important to note here that i would never harm a human being or an animal) i just break stuff.

I'm due 4 some money tomorrow but its all spent already, it's fucking depressing.I'm to the point that i cant smoke, all my legal herbs have gone, im out of kava and theres no time soon im gonna b able to restock.

I cant even afford to take my kid out 4 an icecream which she needs from time to time being a kid, no maccas, barley any treats it makes me feel like shit to the point that as im writeing the tears are weling up in my eyes.

now i wait...... im trying to keep my mind occupied im going crazy wasteing away here, there is always things i can do (go fishing with chicken as bait maybe) but right now im in the state where i dont want to, i just want some fucking ciggerettes and 5 bucks to treat my kid to something, might go to the libary today if i can get over my little psycotic fucking hatred, I can walk there although its a couple of miles, ive really been wanting to get some books but will just have to see how the day plays out, Come 3pm i gotta pull my shit together for my kid.

wish i could report better things, Thinks im just hvin a real bad fuckin day today just gonna have to roll with that:|
 
^^^

Hope today's a little better for you.

Are you registered for the PBS Safety Net. It sounds like you might be on enough prescriptions to hit the limit and get them free for the rest of the year.
 
^ :) thanks lolie without going into too much detail by the end of the afternoon i was chilled n happy enough to pass.....

PBS safety net you say? do tell as yer i got up to 8 different scripts need filling from time to time, the money id save would certainly add up...

todays cruisin along ok, im haveing a sneaky beer later on but got a grand dinner plannin, keeping mentaly busy both here and physicly by mutiple shop visits today, still got a bit to do but im feeling overall calm, but have had a couple of trams, and some codeine aswell. fucking teeth.

reportin latterz
 
oh k mmmm howmany dayz has it been again, things get fuzzy, i've basicly just been cruisin, Doin stuff around the house, sold a trailer thats been nothing but a pain 4 me, still poppin 4mg klopin today it was early like 8am, yesterday it was like 11am, outta trams as of today, and a dose of codeine 4 tomorrow, when im on the Painkillers, esp op8s i find motivation i alot of the time lack, probably to the fact there releivn pain8)

havin a couple of brews today, slept from like 3-7 (kiddo was strapped into the nintendo DSI) made dinner, found a bud!! killer but shitn me, no spin.

thats a good excuse for a trip out, Kiddo grabed her gear an we just got back from a nice night walk, just down to the mall where i find it easy to bum a ciggy of someone as i always offer a dollar...(fucking one dollar short of a packet:!) with that done within a under a muinite (A NEW PERSONAL RECORD)
we headed home but played the game "backways" its basicly just darting in and out , jumpin a fence or two and trying to get home by not useing roads.

it sounds wierd but we played this game since she was like 5 and she had a ball, she said tonite "gee i miss doin this, we havnt had fun like this in ages"
we were both lil ninjas and now were home, the digital box thingee i got fixed, she happy watchin loony tunez, im enjoyin a smoke then kickin her off the tv in half, watching police acadamy 2 (yea im a parent on a friday night, this action proves i have little of a life) and waitin 4 my gf to drop by, ive had a sleepy this arvo so i shouldnt be too tired;)

will be interesting to see how the weekend goes with no pain kilers, will i be a moody asshole or will i just lose my motivation? maybe il b able to get shit done. thats gonna be a neat trick.... hope every1 has a gud weekend:\

im always lurkin the net @ some time guaranteed, i shall return.
 
^dude i think weekend with no painkillers is just what you need.

of course ur going to be moody and feel like shit, but what else do you expect?

IMO you need some tough love and for someone to tell you to clean yourself up.. it's not easy, but i done it.
 
oh k mmmm howmany dayz has it been again, things get fuzzy, i've basicly just been cruisin, Doin stuff around the house, sold a trailer thats been nothing but a pain 4 me, still poppin 4mg klopin today it was early like 8am, yesterday it was like 11am, outta trams as of today, and a dose of codeine 4 tomorrow, when im on the Painkillers, esp op8s i find motivation i alot of the time lack, probably to the fact there releivn pain8)

havin a couple of brews today, slept from like 3-7 (kiddo was strapped into the nintendo DSI) made dinner, found a bud!! killer but shitn me, no spin.

thats a good excuse for a trip out, Kiddo grabed her gear an we just got back from a nice night walk, just down to the mall where i find it easy to bum a ciggy of someone as i always offer a dollar...(fucking one dollar short of a packet:!) with that done within a under a muinite (A NEW PERSONAL RECORD)
we headed home but played the game "backways" its basicly just darting in and out , jumpin a fence or two and trying to get home by not useing roads.

it sounds wierd but we played this game since she was like 5 and she had a ball, she said tonite "gee i miss doin this, we havnt had fun like this in ages"
we were both lil ninjas and now were home, the digital box thingee i got fixed, she happy watchin loony tunez, im enjoyin a smoke then kickin her off the tv in half, watching police acadamy 2 (yea im a parent on a friday night, this action proves i have little of a life) and waitin 4 my gf to drop by, ive had a sleepy this arvo so i shouldnt be too tired;)

will be interesting to see how the weekend goes with no pain kilers, will i be a moody asshole or will i just lose my motivation? maybe il b able to get shit done. thats gonna be a neat trick.... hope every1 has a gud weekend:\

im always lurkin the net @ some time guaranteed, i shall return.

I'm reading all that as saying that you're out of some of your meds and likely to run out of others before you get paid again - which is going to make life pretty miserable for the majority of the fortnight. I wish I had a suggestion about how to break the cycle cos it's a pretty shitty way to live - I've been there myself and it sucks because so many of your days are spent focused on what you don't have and when you'll be able to get it again.

Check in over the weekend and let us know how you're doing.
 
DzNutz thanks for ur imput its truly apprecieated and maybe ur right, im on codeine today though it will be a week now mabe a little more after today that il be out.(i dont buy off the street although i probably could im all lgeit for the reasons i need em).... which brings me to Lolie's points, whom i must thank for keepin an eye on my thread and her great advice:)...Agreed indeed it's a struggle and a shitty existance :(

Im gonna b cookin for a lil bit today if i can get in the right frame of mind i can do lots of stuff around here although its boiling hot, a swim would be nice but i cant get down the beach atm, the local resort is the furterest il take it, but i dunno...My child is addict to that nintendo thing, id have to source one of her friends to invite might motivate her a bit.

for now im sittin back, having a few sangreias and tryin ta take it easy, will try to go out 4 later lunch will be the next thing to think about 4 her... as always il report back:\
 
Jus Reportin.......

As i hypothisised i woke today outta painkillers, feeling shitty and being a right asshole although im not a screamer or a yeller just plain feeling shitty and viewing the world with a strange mix of pity and comtempt...

im pretty sedate now i had my klopinz @ 11am, jad some juice then downed 50mg of Amitriptyilne, which from my reading is a good potentioator for benzos, dun like the fact ive done it, but im rather in a different frame of mind now...

if the gf comes back around (yer i kinda pissed her off due to my mood) it would be a shame to waste this nice day so maybe we'l go for a walk...

stayin off the sauce today cause of takin my Ami early, one drink and i'd be out for the rest of the day 4 sure, not a hard thing to go without anyways sein as i really shuldnt b doin it in the first place.... oh well thats just how shit rollz:\

comin back laterz... hopein all you bluelighters r haveing a good weekend.
S.M.F.G out:|
 
It's been pissing down rain here all weekend, so you'd better take that walk and enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.

At least you've got the amitriptyline so you're not totally without pain relief.
 
Woke early today... feelin anxious like i did on the zanax... too much stuff on my mind my thoughts race which makes things difficult, managed a walk yrsterday but did not enjoy it, by the time (yesterday) it was time to go and get some free bread from the local curch i could bareley get up, the Ami really knocks u around in the fact it seems to take all my energy away.

5 days till im back @ the doctor and ive a check for skin cancers today that is well overdue, should be fun to see what they wanna cut outta me next:!
Am gonna be checking out that safety net thing today sein as its on the way.

9:24 am ive not had my klpoin yet although im probably gonna drop it after ive finished posting, headaches are constant still, ami helps little.

on a scale of 1-10 id have to say this morning has only been a three but fuck its up from negitave one which i had a couple of days ago, Feel like im wasteing away here doesnt help my mood either, just gonna have to put one foot in front of the other today, Was tossin up weather i should be back on xanax but im not sure... valium really is no good 4 me as it makes me REALLY emotional after a week or so. Klpoins been doin me fine but as i said, same shit this morning as wit the xanax maybe its just a one off, i really hope so.

doc said last week that hopefully by dec i can get back into some work, but since then shits seemed to go back downhill, its so hard to explain and when i try i start raceing ... thoughts which translates into speach that is fast and desperate sounding, i want to explain but i cant get said others to see what im trying to tell them as i get wound up. It's a fucked cycle.

now ten mins later im off to drop, seems to take much longer to kick in than tha xanax, cant write nemore head hurtz... over anxious thoughts spinnin about whats dion ,whats happenin and whats goin on aswell as how it's hangin

reportin back after i go "out there":|
 
still here, ive been slackin on posting i know, I've been given the chance to aqquire a decent ammount of furniture/camping gear and a new tv...peakin out tryin to get someone and a hired ute to go get it before it went somewhere else, But happy to say that stress is off my head as i got it sorted today...

I'm even more keen to get back to normality, recieved a msg from an awesome lad i kinda know that lifted my spirits a millionfold:) just what i coulda used ya know?

Klopin rate is the same (no surprises there) ive dumped the hard alchohol for mid strength beeries, been kinda hazy still though it seems like it takes me a fucking lifetime to do the simplest of tasks, goin back to the doc in a couple of days might have ta bring that up, loss of labido is a fucking curse im pretty sure the Amitriptiline is behind this as i was just bumped up on that n bang.... not interested:eek:

so yar still kickin, much to do tomorrow im not sure il cope the best, but one foot in front of the other will have to do it... if i get this shit then i can sell some of my older shit maybe just enough to get my car on the road.....

no money but.. killer of stresses, paid today moneys gone, rent couple of groceries one 20 packet of ciggys and three beers. Also gonna have to go bankrupt as ive been fucked royaly by a credit company, how nice of them to commence legal procedings against me on my daughters birthday, i swear to fuck there evil cunts and they kinda know in a way, spooky 6th sence thing

<3many many a thanks 2 u Lolie 4 keepin me on my toes:)
headache again today im ready to ask 4 a CT scan of my head, make sure those mobile phones aint growin any little garedens of tumors up there ya know?

gtta cook dinner now 4 teh lil1 i wanna come back n post some more later about the place in bluelight, id like to think i can say something kind to someone else out there in the shit probably worse than me, and of course jus b a part of the community:\
 
Fuck it's been a bit of a bad week....
been pretty outta it on the account of recieving a decent ammount of tramal, had to cut my klopin dose by 1mg cause i went stupid once or twice with them...thats been ok. Ive been floating around here on B/L and trying to post and comtribute to the community though i feel i have on several occasions just made an ass of myself bein on here alll offhead and makeing some regrettable posts:(

Im gonna get on top of my shit, i can still function pretty much as normal unless i drink.... had a blackout session last nite, gotta cook dinner so im keepin it to one beer right now, im feelin motivated but noddy, i got my main prioritys though and thats to b lookin after my kid ...
got some extra cash this week so we are set rent and food wise now for the moment i dont see us having to go to the salvos or anything for help in the immediate future.

Appologies for the double post i kinda just wanted to get this off my chest:|
 
About bloody time you checked in. :p

Glad to hear you're pretty set for the moment.
 
Sick of silly shit, stupid shit

I'm officioaly over it!! ive been harassed, ridiculed, and made to feel like an outcast for the last time, going out today was the point of breaking.... Now i will stay home.... ive a housemate now who will help me.... i have now only myself my girl and my most important friend to count on.
ive sawn off teh ol 12 guage, its by my side, or in my hoodie.... Come fuck with me if u dare try, i dont care if u have my IP.... theres havoc waitin 4u.... STAY AWAY!

Im not piticularly ready to sacrifice so much for so little, but goddamn it dont test me.... LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE!
There will be no hassels.....
I know u lurk here, ive a surprise 4 u.... my so called friends and those who swear to serve and protect out one side of thier mouth while inhale through the other nostril, or leave the needle in!
FTW:X:!:|
 
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