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Well hi i'm back ...
- Thread starter S.M.F.G
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S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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Reportin in after somewht of a fucked up day yesterday,
Ive calmed down a little and put down the paraniod stick, re-buried and hid my shit beaneath that frivioulos fake veil.
Today has not been real good.. I've woken upset n depressed, tried to take my g/f n kid out fow a swim and look see in the water, knew thered b no visibility but thought that getting out would be something good 4 them.
Ive done nothing more than get lip from my kid, upset my gf and basicly fucked any ambience within my household... congrats u fuckhead
came home after that little mis-endevour gave my kid some movies droped 50mg Ami.... great knockout drop, awoken 3n a half hrs later, still shit, groggy as all fuck, the last few days have not been mine or like me @ all.
couldnt be fucked/ dont have the desire to eat, nothing is interesting me on the net or TV, hate myself even more than eva for having this grey cloud over me... had to cut my kpin by 1mg cause its gonna have to last another 5 days and ied rather not go into WD's if i cn possibly help it, im been on teh trams also just run out, probably exsplains alot.
Early night i pray, im gonna eat another 50 mg Ami and pray my mind can shutdown for at least another few hrs.... not a happy camper and my effect on others seems to be negitative which makes me think i need to go and live in a small dark place where i cannot be of any detrement.
Hurts when whatever u try seems to fail... and u just make those around you misrable
well im out now..... No love for today and have to wake upwith tommorrow, fucking depressing, although i dont think i could get anymore unhappy right now anyway.couple that with some repressed anger and well.... FTW i hope the whole thing dies in our sleep tonite
Ive calmed down a little and put down the paraniod stick, re-buried and hid my shit beaneath that frivioulos fake veil.
Today has not been real good.. I've woken upset n depressed, tried to take my g/f n kid out fow a swim and look see in the water, knew thered b no visibility but thought that getting out would be something good 4 them.
Ive done nothing more than get lip from my kid, upset my gf and basicly fucked any ambience within my household... congrats u fuckhead
came home after that little mis-endevour gave my kid some movies droped 50mg Ami.... great knockout drop, awoken 3n a half hrs later, still shit, groggy as all fuck, the last few days have not been mine or like me @ all.
couldnt be fucked/ dont have the desire to eat, nothing is interesting me on the net or TV, hate myself even more than eva for having this grey cloud over me... had to cut my kpin by 1mg cause its gonna have to last another 5 days and ied rather not go into WD's if i cn possibly help it, im been on teh trams also just run out, probably exsplains alot.
Early night i pray, im gonna eat another 50 mg Ami and pray my mind can shutdown for at least another few hrs.... not a happy camper and my effect on others seems to be negitative which makes me think i need to go and live in a small dark place where i cannot be of any detrement.
Hurts when whatever u try seems to fail... and u just make those around you misrable
well im out now..... No love for today and have to wake upwith tommorrow, fucking depressing, although i dont think i could get anymore unhappy right now anyway.couple that with some repressed anger and well.... FTW i hope the whole thing dies in our sleep tonite
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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^^ still a fair few days off Lolie. todays started ok... i can see the cycle myself im just not sure where to go or what to do about it....
ive, counted my kpins and as its turned out ive had to cut from 3-4mg WAY back to 2.5mg to make em last till i go n c doc.
i read a chart u posted Lolie about strategies to try b4 resorting to meds on another thread, which i may have to try and impliment something alike..
though im woken a little better than yesterday, im stil pretty shitty. and the decrease in meds, no smokes no booze no money im sure is not helping either, i want to keep my mind active but feel like utter crap and look around only to see nothing that i want to or feel like doin....Maybe it s something to do with the fact im not getting my reg ammount of benzo but just gonna have to ride it out..
I kinda wanna just seein as im feelin so shit anyway just skip a days dose or two.... But ive been strongly advised against this as ive had a pretty long history with benzos.. just got offa the xanax ... now on clonzepam for the past maybe 2 months
even with its longer halflife, i can tell when i start to need it, same as with the zanax but with no really bad W/D symptoms, just anxiety building. And speaking of devils im thinkin twill b time real soon.
nothing planned today due to how ima feelin, maybe i can surf around here and have some imput without being a dick!! that would be nice. I know where ive been..... scarriest part is not knowing where im going.
reportin bak later.
much
@ Lolie, i c u post so much on here and have kind words and good advice for many many others here.
ive, counted my kpins and as its turned out ive had to cut from 3-4mg WAY back to 2.5mg to make em last till i go n c doc.
i read a chart u posted Lolie about strategies to try b4 resorting to meds on another thread, which i may have to try and impliment something alike..
though im woken a little better than yesterday, im stil pretty shitty. and the decrease in meds, no smokes no booze no money im sure is not helping either, i want to keep my mind active but feel like utter crap and look around only to see nothing that i want to or feel like doin....Maybe it s something to do with the fact im not getting my reg ammount of benzo but just gonna have to ride it out..
I kinda wanna just seein as im feelin so shit anyway just skip a days dose or two.... But ive been strongly advised against this as ive had a pretty long history with benzos.. just got offa the xanax ... now on clonzepam for the past maybe 2 months
even with its longer halflife, i can tell when i start to need it, same as with the zanax but with no really bad W/D symptoms, just anxiety building. And speaking of devils im thinkin twill b time real soon.
nothing planned today due to how ima feelin, maybe i can surf around here and have some imput without being a dick!! that would be nice. I know where ive been..... scarriest part is not knowing where im going.
reportin bak later.
much
@ Lolie, i c u post so much on here and have kind words and good advice for many many others here.Sometimes it's hard to know whether keeping busy is the right thing to do. For me - and I suspect for many other people with bipolar disorder - it can be a way of avoiding the elephant in the room and I can end up with my life being all distraction and no substance. Finding that balance point where I'm not wallowing and surrounding myself with myself too much but I'm not keeping busy in order to avoid shit either can be tough sometimes.
I've also got a really bad habit of being too hard on myself in some respects and too easy on myself in others - so I'll beat myself up over trivial shit but adopt a "shit happens" attitude about really important stuff.
I think that it's always scary when you don't like who you are and are trying to change yourself because you don't know who you'll be at the end of that process or whether you'll like that person. I also think that we can form a strange attachment to our self-loathing and it can become a security blanket for us in a really fucked up kind of way.
I've also got a really bad habit of being too hard on myself in some respects and too easy on myself in others - so I'll beat myself up over trivial shit but adopt a "shit happens" attitude about really important stuff.
I think that it's always scary when you don't like who you are and are trying to change yourself because you don't know who you'll be at the end of that process or whether you'll like that person. I also think that we can form a strange attachment to our self-loathing and it can become a security blanket for us in a really fucked up kind of way.
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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^ can relate.....
its been another depressive day, not having a good time @ all, didnt think id make it outa bed today but i kinda had to.
Selling a bunch of my stuff to try and get outta this house my gf helped me with a list of what needs to be done, and i started putting some wheels in motion.
Im constantly breakin out in tears can tell im hell depressed, anxiety levels high tha ammount of klopin i takin is not really doin its job all that well, several times today ive felt panicky, went out of the house got up the street then had to run back... dont like being in public atm big mistake.
now i look around at what ive been sorting thru, i know ive done something but to me it just looks messier than b4 just a giant clusterfuck, kids due home soon....gotta try n b strong but im lacking in that dept i feel
would really like a call about something 4 sale today @ least id have sum ciggys, NEVER been this bad off, although looking back at medical documents from nearly 4 years ago i found today, This problem has been ongoing for a long time, its just worse than ever right now.
Heads poundin no surprises there..... feeling like crawling back into bed again no surprise, theres so much shit i gotta do b4 i can move i just look @ that list and it seems impossible,
Gf has the same GP she said if im like i was the last few days again tomorrow that shed b draggin my ass in there coz she never seen me like this or to this extent should i say n she worried about me which makes me feel worse.
all over its been a fucked time im getting weird craveings for smack have not IV'd anything for a year or so now i think its been that long anyways, reading a post here about it made me feel like that instant relief again.. if only it were that simple
really not sure what my future is gonna contain but its worrying the shit out of me, and with no method of escape right now im just fucking hateing life. God help if that kid o mine didnt depend on me i fear id have harmed myself by now...the last lot of scars r still there and i remember how it aleviated my mental headfuck somewhat but then remember how upset everyone was when they saw the burns
feel like im losein the battle, can only exist until something happens, and its a shitty existance, i feel like a shit parent, a shit partner and a shit person. This is where i sit right now
its been another depressive day, not having a good time @ all, didnt think id make it outa bed today but i kinda had to.
Selling a bunch of my stuff to try and get outta this house my gf helped me with a list of what needs to be done, and i started putting some wheels in motion.
Im constantly breakin out in tears can tell im hell depressed, anxiety levels high tha ammount of klopin i takin is not really doin its job all that well, several times today ive felt panicky, went out of the house got up the street then had to run back... dont like being in public atm big mistake.
now i look around at what ive been sorting thru, i know ive done something but to me it just looks messier than b4 just a giant clusterfuck, kids due home soon....gotta try n b strong but im lacking in that dept i feel
would really like a call about something 4 sale today @ least id have sum ciggys, NEVER been this bad off, although looking back at medical documents from nearly 4 years ago i found today, This problem has been ongoing for a long time, its just worse than ever right now.
Heads poundin no surprises there..... feeling like crawling back into bed again no surprise, theres so much shit i gotta do b4 i can move i just look @ that list and it seems impossible,
Gf has the same GP she said if im like i was the last few days again tomorrow that shed b draggin my ass in there coz she never seen me like this or to this extent should i say n she worried about me which makes me feel worse.
all over its been a fucked time im getting weird craveings for smack have not IV'd anything for a year or so now i think its been that long anyways, reading a post here about it made me feel like that instant relief again.. if only it were that simple
really not sure what my future is gonna contain but its worrying the shit out of me, and with no method of escape right now im just fucking hateing life. God help if that kid o mine didnt depend on me i fear id have harmed myself by now...the last lot of scars r still there and i remember how it aleviated my mental headfuck somewhat but then remember how upset everyone was when they saw the burns
feel like im losein the battle, can only exist until something happens, and its a shitty existance, i feel like a shit parent, a shit partner and a shit person. This is where i sit right now
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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still here.. just havnt been real vocal
seen doc today nothing different, im a bit fucked as usual, but slowly getting thru shit here @ home.
drinks a demon, i come to realise that, on tramz n herbalz some spice concentreat that kinda looks like hash. i dnnno have been lurking when i feel up 2 it i will try and update better, just feel like everything i do is not right atm.
down wanna ruin a downer with a downer but il come back![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
seen doc today nothing different, im a bit fucked as usual, but slowly getting thru shit here @ home.
drinks a demon, i come to realise that, on tramz n herbalz some spice concentreat that kinda looks like hash. i dnnno have been lurking when i feel up 2 it i will try and update better, just feel like everything i do is not right atm.
down wanna ruin a downer with a downer but il come back
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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I need some help!!
Kinda been off the map....
not really felt like doin anything, Its been a trying couple of weeks i been doin ok on the klopin execpt for the fact i was cut another mg and couldnt do it,That somewhere in my life something happened and im just living in complete fear and its shortening my life...
so im in 4 an early doctors appt an im worried as fuck, had several altercations with people whilst out and about and one here @ home via txt, this one physicly threatened me, caused me Majour stress to the point of paranioa and a couple of extra mgs of klopin, as by the end of this arguement i was havin a majour anxiety attack chest pain, headache, shakes, pacing just generaly not good.
Went to bed that night and spent it sweating and sik, the headache was outa control i was goin hot and cold... really not cool shit.
Next morning I was up @ the emergency room like 8 am, they gave me a shot of some NSAID and told me to go and get some nurofen, least to say I was off for the N+ and the panadene plus as i was out of Tramal which ive been useing 4 tension headaches.... i tried tellin them that but they werent gonna give me any. CWE'd most in a split fuigureing id get a little of both in the codeine, had that and was kool for most of the day, last nite and today same story, an im holdin it together ok, However now iv'e had the last of my codeine/N+ and only have two mgs of klopin left.
I dont know how happy the doctor is gonna be to see me...
i seriously dont know what to do as i might not even be able to get an appoiment... what the hell do i do then?
Kinda been off the map....
not really felt like doin anything, Its been a trying couple of weeks i been doin ok on the klopin execpt for the fact i was cut another mg and couldnt do it,That somewhere in my life something happened and im just living in complete fear and its shortening my life...
so im in 4 an early doctors appt an im worried as fuck, had several altercations with people whilst out and about and one here @ home via txt, this one physicly threatened me, caused me Majour stress to the point of paranioa and a couple of extra mgs of klopin, as by the end of this arguement i was havin a majour anxiety attack chest pain, headache, shakes, pacing just generaly not good.
Went to bed that night and spent it sweating and sik, the headache was outa control i was goin hot and cold... really not cool shit.
Next morning I was up @ the emergency room like 8 am, they gave me a shot of some NSAID and told me to go and get some nurofen, least to say I was off for the N+ and the panadene plus as i was out of Tramal which ive been useing 4 tension headaches.... i tried tellin them that but they werent gonna give me any. CWE'd most in a split fuigureing id get a little of both in the codeine, had that and was kool for most of the day, last nite and today same story, an im holdin it together ok, However now iv'e had the last of my codeine/N+ and only have two mgs of klopin left.
I dont know how happy the doctor is gonna be to see me...
i seriously dont know what to do as i might not even be able to get an appoiment... what the hell do i do then?
It honestly sounds like you need some kind of inpatient help and I don't understand why your doctor hasn't pursued that given that things have been going rapidly downhill lately. Maybe you should take your girlfriend along to your appointment so that your doctor gets a clear viewpoint on just how bad things have really become. The medication really seems to be creating more problems for you that it's solving at the moment.
That said, it's a shit of a time of year to try for hospital admission with all of the hospitals starting to wind down for the holiday period.
That said, it's a shit of a time of year to try for hospital admission with all of the hospitals starting to wind down for the holiday period.
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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Ya may be very well right... luckily my girlfriend had an appt and dragged me along last nite, doc was ok i thought he would be angry @ me but he gave me what i needed, wants me to go in early one morning so we can have a chat about all this. As basicly ive just switched from bein dependant on xanax to bein dependant on klopin, i tried to cut it back but couldnt, now ive been thrown Epilum, an anti seisure med but suposed to act on me as a mood stabeliser, and cut off the Amitriptyline and switched to another called Doxepin.. Indicated for use for GAD and insomnia
chewed down lots of op8s in tha past few weeks, now i got mass infection in my chest and sinus.... this morning i coughed up so mich green/yellow shit laced with ribbons of blood.
Back on the anti-biotics hope it gets better without me havin to go to hospital, but im feelin really really shitty right now, had to get referal 2 salvos coz my fridge blew up, its my short week and between scripts and rent il have nothing left... but by the time i got across town to get the referal i was that fucked i had to come straight home as i wouldnt have made the mile walk from where the bus woulda let me off, the centerlink dude said i should even go straight home, have to contact salvos they will be able to help me if i can get there
Inpatient may be an option but not until my daughter goes away 4 hols, but if this infection doesnt start to clear i fear i may b in hospital within a few days, Chemist told me to go straight back to doctor after id told him of the events of this morning. I think il take another days worth of antis, If i get the same tomorrow im straight back up there.
No pain meds and no money to go otc codeine, just havin to suffer it out till its too much. Shit things is lokin grim.
Lolie u are the angel of my thread i cant express enough how greatfull i am that u watch this one
im back off to bed for the moment, may have to drag the laptop closer. Will report in later on this arvo, My kid had an excursion today and doesnt get back till nearly 5... i hope i can make it up there to get her i might have to send my girlfriend, not really feeling like moveing @ all after a nauseating dizzy morning out that i shouldnt have even tried in the state im in, but WTF, need food & a cool place to put it hey
S.M.F.G hangin in (just)
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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Jus reportin.....
been a ok kinda few days.... filled but not started any new meds, got all tha antidepressant shit outta my system i think by now, only my 4 mg klpoin daily and ive gotten much better with my infections (got scarry for a few days there)
so today i wake up really really really low, like lower than normal, i had my kpin and a good measure of poppy tea...yer i was over in that part of town the other day and couldnt help bringin home a few kg of dynomite seed, that makes a tea resembeling mud. least to say im fairly numb right now and all the bullshit that was fuckin with me is pushed back ther for the moment, not the biggest fan of nausea, but thats the catch i spose....
really want all these fucking headfuck anti depressant/ mood stabelisers outta my diet, i have serious reservations if i even need epilum, that other antidepressant, seems to check out as a good sleeping tablet but not used any yet coz ima goin back to doc 4 this little chat early this week. and hopefully be able to tell him that all this other junk is unnessecary and im better off with just my klpoin as its doin the job its sposed to and my tollerence has not seemed to climb past 4 mg (even though one day i ate 6)
Time will tell im interested in how im gonna wake tomorrow s things had been good i really dont know what happened today
many thanks to all those of you again who have taken the time ot read
been a ok kinda few days.... filled but not started any new meds, got all tha antidepressant shit outta my system i think by now, only my 4 mg klpoin daily and ive gotten much better with my infections (got scarry for a few days there)
so today i wake up really really really low, like lower than normal, i had my kpin and a good measure of poppy tea...yer i was over in that part of town the other day and couldnt help bringin home a few kg of dynomite seed, that makes a tea resembeling mud. least to say im fairly numb right now and all the bullshit that was fuckin with me is pushed back ther for the moment, not the biggest fan of nausea, but thats the catch i spose....
really want all these fucking headfuck anti depressant/ mood stabelisers outta my diet, i have serious reservations if i even need epilum, that other antidepressant, seems to check out as a good sleeping tablet but not used any yet coz ima goin back to doc 4 this little chat early this week. and hopefully be able to tell him that all this other junk is unnessecary and im better off with just my klpoin as its doin the job its sposed to and my tollerence has not seemed to climb past 4 mg (even though one day i ate 6)
Time will tell im interested in how im gonna wake tomorrow s things had been good i really dont know what happened today
many thanks to all those of you again who have taken the time ot read
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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Yesterday was a horrible, horrible day.... i was so low so fucking hopless it was one of the worst days ive ever had
tried to kock myself out with some sleepers still didnt get 2 bed till late, i'd managed to ruin my girlfriends day, and well the kiddo, she just comes 4 hugs and does her own thing when im like that... Music dominated my moods yesterday also as i posted in the other thread, but i didnt reach anywhere near a "feelin ok" level.
Today ive woken early, seemingly alright but im startin early aswell, I hate these downers, they are usualy money associated but can spiral for other reasons aswell.
Dont know my head atm like it kows me so to say. Fuck i gotta do somethin i just dont want to fuck my head up anymore than what it is
tried to kock myself out with some sleepers still didnt get 2 bed till late, i'd managed to ruin my girlfriends day, and well the kiddo, she just comes 4 hugs and does her own thing when im like that... Music dominated my moods yesterday also as i posted in the other thread, but i didnt reach anywhere near a "feelin ok" level.
Today ive woken early, seemingly alright but im startin early aswell, I hate these downers, they are usualy money associated but can spiral for other reasons aswell.
Dont know my head atm like it kows me so to say. Fuck i gotta do somethin i just dont want to fuck my head up anymore than what it is
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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Most pharms chucked.theyz just did ma head in.
reportin.... sorta only just got my head together
basicly id been on a mass downer, its now sunday and im feeling more like myself that i have in a long time..... Easy trick folks, I threw all my anti-depressants and mood stabeliser shit as it was IMO just fuckin me up worse...
Still useing klpoin at the same rate and its quelled most if not all anxiety, Doc sais im like one of those PTSD guys whos always waitin 4 charlie to come out of the trees, and that one day id possibly just Quit the klopin too.
Mind opening experience the other night when i came across a quite decent LSD blotter, did have some klopin so it dampened the trip a little, but was emough to give me a different perspective on things and i got my smile back.
not to say there aint still problems here, but the means of dealing with them is changeing....
Now i keep going, and let time tell
reportin.... sorta only just got my head together
basicly id been on a mass downer, its now sunday and im feeling more like myself that i have in a long time..... Easy trick folks, I threw all my anti-depressants and mood stabeliser shit as it was IMO just fuckin me up worse...
Still useing klpoin at the same rate and its quelled most if not all anxiety, Doc sais im like one of those PTSD guys whos always waitin 4 charlie to come out of the trees, and that one day id possibly just Quit the klopin too.
Mind opening experience the other night when i came across a quite decent LSD blotter, did have some klopin so it dampened the trip a little, but was emough to give me a different perspective on things and i got my smile back.
not to say there aint still problems here, but the means of dealing with them is changeing....
Now i keep going, and let time tell
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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^ i have to say very well
head seems to be gettin clearer every day, im still on my klpoin, probably will be for the time being, but no majour depressive swings, no sence of utter hoplessness, recognising my feelings more and dealing with them better.
Even went out to see a mate on the weekend!! we had a good catchup and a hellova lot of drinks, good night overall, Klopin keepin anxiety in check, i can go out without any hesitation an the other day i even cut back my dose as i felt i really didnt need it on that day.
moderating my weed intake right down to nxt to nothing, only a lil every couple of days, however when i was tripping i went thru it a bit... helped the rainbows explode out the top of my head
Payday and money management will be a good test this week as ive got not much, and its gettin too close to christmas
hopeing im on the right track, will be keep reportin my progress every few days only time will tell... one more doctors appt b4 xmas so ive enough klpin to see me out while they go on hols.
head seems to be gettin clearer every day, im still on my klpoin, probably will be for the time being, but no majour depressive swings, no sence of utter hoplessness, recognising my feelings more and dealing with them better.
Even went out to see a mate on the weekend!! we had a good catchup and a hellova lot of drinks, good night overall, Klopin keepin anxiety in check, i can go out without any hesitation an the other day i even cut back my dose as i felt i really didnt need it on that day.
moderating my weed intake right down to nxt to nothing, only a lil every couple of days, however when i was tripping i went thru it a bit... helped the rainbows explode out the top of my head
Payday and money management will be a good test this week as ive got not much, and its gettin too close to christmas
hopeing im on the right track, will be keep reportin my progress every few days only time will tell... one more doctors appt b4 xmas so ive enough klpin to see me out while they go on hols.
S.M.F.G
Bluelighter
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S.M.F.G reportin in......
Good couple of weeks, my klpoin has droped in daily usage, but some days goes back up to 4mg due to holiday season, Lots of asshole tourists lobbin into town, kinda keeping me away from all the majour shopping centeres.
Turns out now i may have whooping cough, which is just dandy for ova christmas, im on antibiotics but doc said even after that the cough could persist for 6-12 weeks.... not pleasnt to say the least, he throw me some pain killers aswell so they will come in handy im sure.
One and a half tabs of good LSD on wednesday kicked my ass around a bit but in a good way, 2 times ive dropped now and two times ive had majour change for the better. shame doc cant perscribe me LSD once every three months or so
I pray 4 the day its recognised and accepted 4 its theraputic advantages, its a wonderfull drug and imo shits all over all that anti depressant shit.
So yer still kickin, may be off work till this cough dies off but cant wait, more money means more comfortable lifestyle, i can get my shit together and move out of this dump of a house possibly right away from town altogether. i seem to reach a point wherever i live 4 a while where i just get over it... I think it time to move on soon, my girlfriend is with me on that one.
hopeing everyone else here is traveling ok, and wishing everyone a happy christmas in case im not back here b4 then
its good to feel me again, im not quite all the way there, but fuck im workin towards it
Good couple of weeks, my klpoin has droped in daily usage, but some days goes back up to 4mg due to holiday season, Lots of asshole tourists lobbin into town, kinda keeping me away from all the majour shopping centeres.
Turns out now i may have whooping cough, which is just dandy for ova christmas, im on antibiotics but doc said even after that the cough could persist for 6-12 weeks.... not pleasnt to say the least, he throw me some pain killers aswell so they will come in handy im sure.
One and a half tabs of good LSD on wednesday kicked my ass around a bit but in a good way, 2 times ive dropped now and two times ive had majour change for the better. shame doc cant perscribe me LSD once every three months or so
I pray 4 the day its recognised and accepted 4 its theraputic advantages, its a wonderfull drug and imo shits all over all that anti depressant shit.
So yer still kickin, may be off work till this cough dies off but cant wait, more money means more comfortable lifestyle, i can get my shit together and move out of this dump of a house possibly right away from town altogether. i seem to reach a point wherever i live 4 a while where i just get over it... I think it time to move on soon, my girlfriend is with me on that one.
hopeing everyone else here is traveling ok, and wishing everyone a happy christmas in case im not back here b4 then
its good to feel me again, im not quite all the way there, but fuck im workin towards it