Well hi i'm back ...

[S.M.F.G]

^ last satament all too true, im really lucky to have a really good Doctor, One of if not the best ive encountered so far... probs dont need a psycyatrist, maybe i do but since ive switched from Zanax to Clonezapam things have been far better.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Ahhhh goddammit

well i had quite a good time whilst i was on my little oxy binge.

Now im back in reality and in denial.
All of a sudden im realising now that in the last few days ive been feeling good with the assistance of the combonation of the op8, klopin and a glass or two of red.

So todays gonna b interesting, I'm kinda feeling shitty but ok @ the same time im not realy craveing any op8 but maybe thats coz theres none left. Right now in preloading with grapefruit juice, just a waitin to get those klopins down my neck and @ the right dose (i thinks i may have had a couple more than i was supposed to whilst taking the oxys).

Much work to do, My kids back from her holidays so its straiten up n fly right kinda mode, theres school to think of and im having poor time perception i actualy thought it was saturday today so my little balloon burst when i realised i was indeed outta whack wit my days an its now actualy Sunday.

still got sore teeth and headache, will just have to sit that out as im practicly broke and im not into the street selling pharm circle and chemists dont give away there products. Well nuff post 4 now i must hop outta bed, eat some klopin and try and fuigure out whats next........

that ladder all of a sudden seems to be getting slippreyer and harder to climb

 

[S.M.F.G]

Hllova night

well, not long after posting here yesterday, my headache and pain in my jaw got a little much, It was then i remembered my trycilic amitriptyline also had pain relieving effects.

Having only had my normal dose of klopin, synergised with a most lovley cone i went ruffeling thru my medicine box, aquired this stuff i normaly take @ night and downed 50mg. This at first did not seem to be helping, next thing i know im wakeing after a few hrs sleep, headache gone and jaw pain diminished.
Was quite drunkish though bit of trouble walking straight but dinner got done (i dont think i ate again) and got things ready for my girl as its the first day back at school today.

She went to bed, i went to bed, well i got thru the day without running off for a drink im thinking but how do i sleep now? another 75mg amitripyline ? yea why not......i did get to sleep after a while, but a rather fucked side effect of this piticular drug is wrestless leg syndrome which was quite uncomftorbale.

This morning i wake groggish only enuf time to hug the kid and send her on her way to school, Now im left with this feeling that im not doing anything to help myself, that im not me anymore, that theres no light @ the end of the tunnel and just b4 i looked out the window and just do not wanna go out there

Am i slipping backwards? whats wrong with me? this is whats running rampant in my thoughts right now ....had my dose of klopin stretchy stretch with some grapefruit, But im fighting to leave them alone and id rather not take that trycilic anytime soon during the day, was positive but clearly has had negitave effects during the night and this morning.

So now im sitting here, dont know what to do and to tell the truth i dont really wanna do anything right now i feel more depressed if anything, which makes me feel bad that im not holding up the house as well as i could which is more fucking depressing.

I suppose its bed all day or go get a cold one then stay in bed, really hard to want to do anything its kinda hard to explain and looking upon these paragraphs im on somewhat of a rant. My jaw is starting to hurt again this is the part where i just want sleep or something to dull the pain which is im sad to say quite chronic. just a bad start to the day i suppose. Lets see how things go im gonna repost a little later, try and get something to drink ova here

Too much shit to write down, not like i aint got all the time in the world while kids @ school, as i said b4 i just dont feel like me today and have no interest in the outside world, when i fuckingwell should goddamnit, feelng a real fuckup and a failure @ life. thats all im gonna post right now.

 

[badandwicked]

Sorry if youve mentioned it before but why are you in so much pain from your teeth to be on these painkillers? Do you need to see a dentist?

I think if you can you need to get yourself out in the outside world for your kids sake. Doing other things and seeing other people has all sorts of benefits, yet I realise its the last thing you want to do when you feel like this.

Do you feel you're able to give her what she needs when you're feeling like this? I mean no offense but do you have any close family member who could look after her for a while while you get better? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

 

[totach]

hey man long time no speak.Seems to me like your doin good man.I think u might be feeling alittle shitty maybe cuz u ran out of opiates.Since ur not "addicted" to opiates i would say u should start feeling better after a couple days or a week at most.You gotta cut the opiates out.....that shit will really put u in the hole n u allready got enough to deal with.Im really glad 2 c that u got the benzos under control now tho thats a huge acomplishment.Just stay up man nuthing changes over night u gotta keep at it and trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel u just gotta get there some people's tunnel is longer than others(i just came up wit that lol : )).Anyways keep updating us and i hope u feel better soon.

 

[b4rd]

If you are taking amphetamines as well as a study aid, I would suggest that you stop that.

If not, the only advice I can give is to try and take like a week break when you start to feel the panic attacks coming again. I know that this seems like 1+1=8, because more anxiety should = more benzo (if only this worked successfully without dangerous tolerance build up.) =(

But, if you do not want the drugs to catch a grip on you, I would try this.

Why don't you tell your doctor exactly what you have said here? Say that you want to take more meds becuase the anxiety is worsening, but you also do not want to be held under the grip of benzo dependance.

There may be alternative medicines that can be co-administered with your normal dosage of xanax. I think this question would be best fit for a professional though =/. Hope this helped.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Sorry if youve mentioned it before but why are you in so much pain from your teeth to be on these painkillers? Do you need to see a dentist?

I think if you can you need to get yourself out in the outside world for your kids sake. Doing other things and seeing other people has all sorts of benefits, yet I realise its the last thing you want to do when you feel like this.

Do you feel you're able to give her what she needs when you're feeling like this? I mean no offense but do you have any close family member who could look after her for a while while you get better? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

ok... well ive had feedback and my head is kinda spinning a bit, But im try to adress everyone who wrote.

badandwicked, yes i have tooth problems several need to come out which is happening slowley but i have to use the public systen which has a hefty waiting list, I tried for an EPC (medicare grant for dental) but am not eligable until feb 2011, I also get really bad headaches and persistant pain in my jaw from my chin to my ear on one side.

You are half right about my kid i sometimes feel awful that we cant run the world freely, i really do my best we play games in our backyard and shes allowed to go to her friends house (provided she has her mobile).

I do manage to get out once a day when i have to or feel i can, is normaly reaaaaly early in the morning, Before all the assholes come out ya know? As for someone looking after her for a period of time, she visits her mother in the holidays but is not able to go there now 4 a while as its a distance an i really want to keep her in school (shes already switched twice since she started) and in a routine which in my beilief a child needs without of course being stripped of thier individuality, As school seems to do to kids (i constantly remind her to never stop being herself as she is gifted and has a wonderfull immagination and must never be afraid to question things)
My mother is also a distance, but she has made a couple of trips up here now to help out, which gets her out doing fun things out of the house. And of course iv'e had her full time since she was 2 so i really fret over her when shes away frm me.

totach: Thanks for ur reply man im sorta going up an down with the benzo intake, im terrified of raising that tollerence level, but switching from xanax to klpoin im reading i'ts about same strength wise.
Now ive gone from 4 mg xanax and the klopin label says 2mg a day, fucking impossible for me im gone straight down the line im havin now 3mg but all in one go and with grapefruit juice but sometimes reachin for that extra mg on bad days....

And ur most likley right about the op8s as i do really love em, and ive come off months of pod/seed tea and CWE's couple of yrs ago and remember the hellishness of that i did it with no medical supervision whatsoever, i feel it cost me a relationship but ya get that. My G/f is a huge help she seems to smack my fingers with the proverbal ruler when i go to take extra of whatever, Time will tell with the op8z but you are right i really dont want to end up in that place again

Last but certainly not least
b4rd: dont really use amps ne more although i have had a good history with those and all sorts of other things includeing RC's back in the day and had a fucking wonderfull time, but theyz a bad mix with anxiety.

This is where it gets wierd, they say LSD/LSA is a big big no no if uv'e anxiety or are of an unfit mind or setting, but i have tripped only twice in this period and i actualy found it benificial, Go fuigure. I bielieve when im calm enough that certain natural halllucinogins have and do actualy benifit me to the point where i have a revelation of sorts and am able to function better, BUT only for a while, But its not time yet, last lot was just after i started this thread and was LSA as the 'cid is kinda hard for me ta get

As for my doctor im completly honest with him as goes for my psycologist
im gonna ring this other mob up to see about some counciling ive got some Fucked up shit stored up the back of my brain surpressed memorys if you will and the psycologist im seeing i feel is digging too much which makes me sad n depressed.

Fuck i dont know if iv'e covered everything here i do feel a little better today, id normaly have a headache by now, im sure it will come on @ the most unappropriate of times, jaw n teeth still hurt, no pain killers n no money to get a CWE happening, might have to ask the doc to Xray my jaw.... my latest blood tests came back pretty much all good, but theres something definitly not right, i shouldnt b in this much pain.

Feeling kinda burnt out already i usualy dont type this much (i dont think)
imoa come back laters n report on the day, yesterday was spent in bed i gotta get myself up n moveing. Really and truly thankfull for all replies if i can getthru today without drinkin or poppin that extra mg il b a little happier

much to all TDS its a majour tool in helping me get back on my feet again

 

[Lolie]

You should at least be on antibiotics while you're waiting for your teeth to be taken care of. When I worked for a dentist we used to tell people to go see their doctor and get a script for antibiotics and Panadeine Forte and come see us in a few days - a lot of dental work can't be done while there's infection and inflammation present and we would have charged them a $60 consultation fee to write them the same scripts.

You can get one OPG (whole of jaw) x-ray done per year for nothing. You need a referral but it can be done at any imaging place and is bulk billed to Medicare.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^many thanks Lolie, im useing augumenton duo forte, have been for a while now, worries me a little coz does ur body not build up resistance to these things like all other drugs?
Chemist said theys culd b causeing some nausea ive been experienceing, not sure but is hard to take everyday also coz u have to take with food, so some days theres none, others where i can manage to get something solid down, im takin em, panadene forte is on my rx list along with oxycodone though i have none of either and dont get back to the docs for a forghtnight.
Will be definitly getting that referal for my jaw, i had some lump on the otherside a few years back, needed a biopsy but it turned out to be harmless they jus drained some shit outta it, lets just pray its nothing too serious as i said i shouldnt be in this much pain although i still have a few teeth to come out.

 

[Lolie]

^many thanks Lolie, im useing augumenton duo forte, have been for a while now, worries me a little coz does ur body not build up resistance to these things like all other drugs?
Chemist said theys culd b causeing some nausea ive been experienceing, not sure but is hard to take everyday also coz u have to take with food, so some days theres none, others where i can manage to get something solid down, im takin em, panadene forte is on my rx list along with oxycodone though i have none of either and dont get back to the docs for a forghtnight.
Will be definitly getting that referal for my jaw, i had some lump on the otherside a few years back, needed a biopsy but it turned out to be harmless they jus drained some shit outta it, lets just pray its nothing too serious as i said i shouldnt be in this much pain although i still have a few teeth to come out.

A lot of people are on prophylactic antibiotics for various reasons. It's not your body which builds up a resistance to them it's the bacteria themselves which can do so. If that happens, they'll just use a non-penicillin antibiotic if needed.

Augmentin Duo makes a lot of people feel nauseated including me. You really need to make sure you take it with food. You could also get a script for Stemetil or Maxolon to help with the nausea.

And yeah dental pain can be severe and persistent. Alternate your normal pain meds with ipuprofen - it will help with the inflammation as well as the pain and it won't interact with the narcotics. Short-term, you can take 800mg of ibuprofen three times a day, but I usually find that 400-600mg works just as well if I'm alternating it with something else and that means I can take it more frequently (don't buy it at the chemist, it's much cheaper at the supermarket).

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ ibruprofin does not sit too well with my stomach same as NSAID's,of which i have boxes of, but its worth a go, only thing is il have to get from the chemist as i need the codiene in it many thanks 4 ur reply

ive just dropped some klpoin and managed to get outta bed and push myself around the house n clean up a bit, shamefull to say im haveing a drink, but im flat broke till tomorrow, so im after anything that can potentiate the meds, not going to take that endep (amitriptyline) as i had a hard time yesterday, if u have it during the day you just drop and awaken drunkish, thinking of trying zyprexa for night times as that never really messed with me that much although seroquel totaly fucked with me. Go fuigure

NB: i always have motolum or maxalon on hand, that is a good thing thanks 4 reminding me

 

[S.M.F.G]

Fuck its been days... im been postin but not felt like comein here till now.

lets 2 say maybe ive slipped a bit, im going to go out soon, if it were not for the hundreds of $ im gonna save on my kids school stuff, i wouldnt b doin it.

im charged woke up really pissed off passed after half an hour, ive taken 3mg klopin, mashed a bowl, and put 3 drinks in me to have to go out there n fucking deal with this systems fucking red tape, im feeling like i can so im off to the other part of town... the one i fucking hate to do this biz, But yar ive fucked up, all sors of feelings come to mind right now which is great i dont wanna dwell on this while i have to go out of my comfort zone.
leaving in ten, will try report back n tell teh tale.... wanna take xtra kpinz but just cant i have to conserve em' fuck what am i dion? wish me luck all, i pray im not hauled in whilst holding out.
im feelin really short tempered today which is just not me

 

[Lolie]

Look forward to you checking in again later today.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Igot my daughters uniforms n books payd 4 for nxt year, im fucked as, had way 2 much klopin. im polished a bowl, through about 10 standard drinks and hoplessly sad, im afraid its gonna cost me relationship, makes me scared.
all i can do is wait things out, i havnt themoney to fillmy next percription, im prqyin 4 morerain,

 

[S.M.F.G]

As teh title implies, im back again havnt posted on this thread for a couple of days now, blame it on what u will, I acuse apathy personaly but its hard to say im doing well...

i cannot get under my 3mg klopin, i can go without drinkin (but im doin that right now) can go without smokein (cant afford) I'm useing grapefruit juice and a trycilic to potentiate the benzo, Im 2 days away from the psycologist and 5 away from going back to my GP.

life in general has been a bit up and down i woke the other morning really moody and agrivated, which made me feel like even more of a fucktard as i feel like i acted like a drill sargent gettin my baby ready 4 school, she's just like i was, Bucks the system and authority with the greatest of ease an it's effecting her school work.

money wise we are pretty much fucked.... most of my parenting payment/sickness benifit bareley pays the rent, Had to go to the salvos yesterday for food, im drinkin again but i see it as of little cost (il have a bottle of 2$ sharaz) but that looks like thats it for the week, its hard coz im hoplessly addicted to ciggys as well, one packet of 20 has to last me the week now.

im fallling behind in the rent not by much but still cant afford 300 a week but im stuck here, no money to get my car on the road, no money to fill scripts this week, i really dont know what im gonna do it's fucking depressing.

on a slightly beter note, if i have my klopin @ 3mg and my amitriptyline, I seem to have much less anxiety, i even spoke to someone this morning so i bielieve its a step in the right direction, but all it takes is one little thing and im wantin more pills, dun care what, just wana sleep it out some days.

my daughter has been happier but my girlfriend is getting really depressed watchin me go thru this shit, i beg her to go c a doctor but she doesent want to right now.

My Jaw pain has eased, but i get headache every day, maybe its time for a CT scan on my fuckin screwed up head. Pain killers have run dry, i cant afford OTC shit i can barley make the rent and feed us both, really in a lost place today and what comes next scares me, i try to live in teh moment but my thoughts race out of controll and can induce what i only can describe as mania.

since the anti psycs fuck with me i just dont know whats gonna be perscribed next, i feel ok as i can be on my current regiment, but still hit waves of hopeless depression even though i feel the Amitriptiline has been benificial, i just got lots going on in my life and feel like a real deadbeat of society which i dont like anyway.

dont think ive covered all i wanted to, theres more, but maybe 4 another time as im feelin quite stable right now i dont want to go down a thought process that is gonna make me feel like a fuckwit and a looser,

I need a job but my doc says im not ready, this shit feels like its killing me slowley and misrabley, but im still here, and will no matter what overcome coz i have to win... not so much for me but for the child i brought into this screwey world, I know she loves me deeply but is @ the age of pre teen and the mood swings and hormonal changes neither of us are copeing well with.

It breaks my heart i'm not a stronger person, i can only do my utmost best and have been, Its just hard to deal with on top of no money and no job + haveing to be on benzos to live a half normal life.
bit of a downer today, i'l see how im feeling this arvo an hopefully come back and write some more, and i thank all of you that replied to this thread its support and varied pooinions that i can look at, Judge for myself and use in conjunction with my therapy/ GP visits.

Really hope even just a few darkside posters are in a better place than i right now, as i know many are worse off, i feel sometimes like im not living, just surviveing.... and i hate that

 

[S.M.F.G]

Another bump, i feel shamefull.

things have not been well the last few days, im out of everything bar my klopin
My g/f got me some cigerettes just now im eternaly greatfull, im slippin up towards 4-5 mg of klopin, got so fucked up yesterday off Kava, must say its a awesome compliment to teh benzo.... smashin my amitriptyline to try an stay in a state of normality, but it makes me so drowsey.

im constantly feeling sad, im down to the last of my legal herbs, and have not a cent till wednesday, im afraid of wot doc is gonna say when i go tomorrow, i ran outta pain killers my headaches have goten worse, so ive been takin more klopin...

200 .5mg tabs in 20 days, it's the only thing keepin me on the level, am scared and dont know what to do, all i can fuigure is going back to doc and explaining whats happened hopefully he will c what kind of state im in and have compassion.

shits pretty fucked up right now money wise, im geting help from the salvos and feel like shit for it, but i gota feed my kid, and on these short weeks ive only enuf to pay it all into rent which has fallen behind a bit.

if it wasnt for my g/f and kid i fear id have done something stupid by now

im feeling totaly lost and deeper in the hole than when i last posted, is anyone out there haveing similar hassles? i hope not but hope so maybe i can get some reflection from someone, TDS is so wonderfull but im feeling really lonley here atm

gonna keep posting, mods will smack my fingers if im carrieng on too much
well wishes to all otheres here who is in a hole

 

[Lolie]

Make sure you tell your doctor everything tomorrow - and I mean everything.

As the Salvos are already helping you out, have you considered talking to them about their outreach and rehab programmes? It might be something to keep in mind in case your doctor doesn't come up with anything useful.

I'm sure you realise that once your rent gets behind shit can can very real very fast. Do you have a backup plan for accommodation?

One suggestion I do have is that when you get paid this week you get all of the scripts you're going to need for the whole fortnight filled - chances are if you don't do it on payday you'll end up not doing it and find yourself without some of your meds yet again. Yeah, you'll still be broke, but at least you'll have your medication.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ wise advice Lolie..
have no backup plan for accomodation apart from moveing to the dero camping grounds for 30$ a week but wont caus its no place 4 my kid.
Will be seeing doc tomorrow and am gonna take ur advise, i have left certain things out for fear that i will be looked upon as a drug addict which maybe i am.
and yer will definitly be fillin all scripts, so long as it doesnt cut into catch up rent and food for my kiddo. Ty 4 the reply also u have good advice to offer

 

[Lolie]

^^^

"Addict" is a loaded word. If you're taking more than your prescribed amount or "boosting" your prescribed dose by combining it with things which potentiate it on a regular basis, then you're abusing it - and the problem with that is that you're increasing your tolerance and you're probably going to experience withdrawals and rebound anxiety at your prescribed dose. You're going to reach a point where your meds aren't managing your anxiety at all - all they'll be doing is staving off withdrawals.

What you can do is stop the problem getting worse than it already is by being honest with your doctor. It then becomes her ethical responsibility to determine whether the benzos are serving a legitimate medical need or simply maintaining your dependence (contrary to popular belief, it's not considered unethical for doctors to write prescriptions for drugs on which patients are dependent as long those drugs are doing something other than simply preventing withdrawal - methadone is the one drug which can be prescribed purely for maintenance of dependence).

What's not the answer is adding more drugs to the existing mix whether they're legal or illicit. Your life's in a pretty precarious place right now and you're not going to be able to fix that by getting more fucked up. You also need to keep in mind that unless you're going to ask the child welfare authorities in your state for help yourself - which can be a real shortcut to obtaining public housing - the more fucked up you become, the greater the chance of your child being deemed "at risk".

You'd be a good candidate for some kind of supported accommodation programme if you're willing to accept their conditions, but they can be fairly intrusive so they're not really suitable for people who want to continue using drugs on a recreational basis.

With homelessness a real possibility, you definitely need to be linked up with a social worker of some kind for referral to appropriate resources. I've found the ones at Centrelink extremely good.

Also, check with your state housing authority about whether they make payment to private landlords for arrears - many of them do it on a one-off basis in order to allow low income earners renting privately to maintain their tenancy but you do have to meet certain criteria.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^I'm somewhat confused as to what you mean by "addict" is a loaded word?

This is where things become complicated... When i switched from xanax to klopin i was origanaly supposed to have 2mg twice a day, then i was perscribed .5mg tabs and label said one mg twice a day, The doctor is well aware that i have been haveing 3mg a day, last visit i said i was going to try for 2.5mg a day.

well shits happened im under a great deal of strain personaly and financialy, so the 2.5 thing did not happen, now ive had my 3mg today, dont feel like reaching for that extra mg yet, but it may hapen as im not due in till this arvo.

doc is aware i use Kava to compliment, also that i use alot of legal herbs both in smoke and tea also, ive admitted to having a drink on the rare occasion and got my nuckels rapped for that... So the question as to weather im abuseing the klpoin is up in the air...

remembering i was on 4mg of xanax a day before the switch.

houseing wise im not gona be thrown out of here in a hurry, im only about 50$ behind which i slowly catching up on.

I will admit though that ive gotten a bit too fucked up on a couple of occasions. My trycilic puts me to sleep but doesnt keep me there but taken during the day seems to really potentiate the benzo, And also my tramadol ran out days after i last saw doc so ive been getting headache nearly every day thus have had an extra mg of klpoin to try and settle it.

so thats where i sit right now, ive had nothing else today apart from a spliff of damiana and mugwort, i ran out of Kava and have not the money to get OTC pain rielief (im not supposed to be takin paracetomol ne more anyway) so even if i could it would have to be a really clean CWE.

Time will tell i suppose i just have to get there and explain exactly whats been going on, I am to the point where on my current dose anxiety is almost non existant which i see as a great thing.

I told my psycologist i was thinkin maybe i could go back into some form of work, but she and also a close friend said i wasnt ready. Sucks as something more than pension would lift alot of the stress, But im to be off work till december, med certificate said my condition has worsened and is ongoing.

am goin to lay everything out on the table today and will just have to wait and see what doc sais.

must also mention that my dose of klopin gives me no high whatsoever, with one dose of Kava it relaxes me like the xanax did but anymore than that an im fucked up pretty good.

again thanks for ur advice and time Lolie...... Am happy ot hear what anyone else thinks who trips by this thread.

Reportin back after my appt