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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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^right? so fucking frustrating when people can't understand why you're frustrated. i have no idea why someone calling me for dinner gives me a feeling of suffocating, but it does. and i feel that way all day. so when someone calls me to do something nice and i get mad at them for it, i'm just as confused about their mental state as they are about mine.

i completely flipped in traffic on the way home from work a second ago. because i was pissed about being called to go out for dinner and someone honked at me when i felt they were in the wrong. i got close to vehicular assault. i don't even really know who was initially at fault, but i certainly scared everyone out of my lane. maybe that's the point? must be when i feel guilty or in the wrong i become aggressive to feel less vulnerable. what a lameass thing to do. get pissed at people over driving. i'm scum at the moment.
 
I am DONE meeting people, DONE with certain elements where I watch people have fun while I sit there on my bloody own and I am DONE being happy for others.
Done with liars, DONE with cliquey groups who make out they want me but invite the newest members to drop in and I don't get an invite. Quitting that group I've had enough. Starting to realise that people that not worth it.
 
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop procrastinating and somehow have the courage to leave my comfort zone and take action.

I have a sick mix of social anxiety, non-existent social status, depression, procrastination, lack of self control, fear... and they all seem to work together to make my life worse in a cycle.

I have to have the courage to leave my comfort zone and deal with pain because it's stagnating my life in an already unlivable place.
 
Corazon said:
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop procrastinating and somehow have the courage to leave my comfort zone and take action.

I have a sick mix of social anxiety, non-existent social status, depression, procrastination, lack of self control, fear... and they all seem to work together to make my life worse in a cycle.

I have to have the courage to leave my comfort zone and deal with pain because it's stagnating my life in an already unlivable place.
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My PM is open if you want someone to listen. I won't judge you ok.
Please stop being so harsh on yourself we all "feel sorry for ourselves" at times. I've been doing that tonight myself.
If you have certain emotions get them out or they fester..... and then you can move forward.

All the best,
Evey xxxx
 
Okay, I need to swallow my pride and ask you guys for some help/advice. I was having a pretty good week complete with a lot of upward momentum, but I feel deflated today and am once again suffering from the anxiety/depression/hopelessness complex.

My current living situation expires April 15th. Not negotiable, something must change.

Now I've been rather prosperous recently, both in that I have a bit of money now sitting in my checking account and I am going to be making decent money all summer starting in about 5 weeks. So I've started hunting for an apartment. I could easily afford a studio right now, would be willing to write a check for 4 months on the spot. By the end of these 4 months, I'd be flush from working two jobs, so it would not be an issue. Apartments aren't expensive where I live, so unless I lose one of the jobs, making rent won't be an issue. I thought that going into the leasing offices with my checkbook and nice clothes would suffice. I must have been dreaming. :(

Anyway, heard back from two today. One straight-up rejected me due to my credit, and the other one is asking for a co-signer. And I did offer both of these several months rent upfront, plus paperwork for both jobs, and so on. I guess I just really still look bad on paper. And to fix my credit would require tens of thousands of dollars, which isn't possible. I assume that as these were both bottom-shelf apartment complexes for the area, it's pointless to try additional ones, if for no other reason than I don't want to pay additional application fees.

I'm on my own these days in life. My relationships with my parents and my sister have been ruined, and I'm in a new area getting clean and trying to rebuild. Two jobs, gym, reading, etc. I keep to myself, as this is how I best recover. I have a handful of friends here, but they're all in similar situations to me. In short, I do not have the ability to get a co-signer. And by the time I could stack up, say, 12 months rent in cash, I'd already be out of my current situation and in limbo.

I have called a couple independent complexes in hopes to escape the strict checks of the conglomerates, but they were either too expensive or did not have availability. I don't live in a very big city, so it's not realistic to look for rooms to rent (at least not in areas that wouldn't be extremely dangerous in which to reside). I work up in the suburbs and rely on buses, so working both jobs while renting a studio apartment in the suburbs near a bus route would have been ideal. I was excited, I thought everything was about to fall into place.

So it's honestly looking like I may have to move into a cheap motel to bridge the gap. I don't want to do this for a couple of reasons, but mainly because I don't want to be around drugs and whatnot, but also because that would actually be more expensive than apartments around here, and I would be falling behind, not moving forward. I don't have any friends/family around here who would let me move in.

So has anyone else ever been in such a situation? I have 30 days or so to figure this out. I'm trying not to feel scared, and I'm trying not to let this all hurt my self-esteem (though it is, I admit it. I feel terrible today). I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for practical ideas. I also have a record, but it looks like it's more the credit that is going to keep me from being accepted.
 
Every place near you does credit checks? That's rough, I have abysmal credit (thanks to tens of thousands in defaulted medical debt), but as long as I'm on time for rent, my landlords don't bug me. Then again, I am in a big city, so there's just more apartments to choose from. Are there any subleases available in the area? That's be a good bet for avoiding a credit check, and it would also mean you could probably avoid getting locked into a long-term lease.

Definitely avoid big conglomerates - apart from the credit check, those tend to be the ones that charge annoying application fees. I wouldn't give up hope just yet - keep looking! I know how difficult apartment hunting can be. For me, things always seem desperate right until the last minute, and then things have generally pulled together in time. Good luck!
 
Every one I've made phone calls to (10-12) thus far requires a check, and I assume that I'd fail them all. And I doubt that "hello, my name is redleader. Do you run a credit check?" is a great way to open up. There aren't more than a few dozen complexes in this area, anyway, and not all have openings. I'm going to try looking online later for anything that is subleased, though the idea of going that route gives me tons of anxiety. I wanted my own apartment in my own name. I'm not a people person and I just want to be left alone as long as I make my payments.

What sucks is that starting this Sunday, I'm working 7 days a week indefinitely. So apartment hunting isn't exactly going to be possible. I am kicking myself for thinking that it would be this easy.

Edit: Actually just received a phone call from a third one just now. Rejected. I can feel my anxiety peaking, it's just awful. No clue what I'm going to do.
 
RedLeader said:
Every one I've made phone calls to (10-12) thus far requires a check, and I assume that I'd fail them all. And I doubt that "hello, my name is redleader. Do you run a credit check?" is a great way to open up. There aren't more than a few dozen complexes in this area, anyway, and not all have openings. I'm going to try looking online later for anything that is subleased, though the idea of going that route gives me tons of anxiety. I wanted my own apartment in my own name. I'm not a people person and I just want to be left alone as long as I make my payments.

What sucks is that starting this Sunday, I'm working 7 days a week indefinitely. So apartment hunting isn't exactly going to be possible. I am kicking myself for thinking that it would be this easy.

Edit: Actually just received a phone call from a third one just now. Rejected. I can feel my anxiety peaking, it's just awful. No clue what I'm going to do.
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that sucks
Is your credit blemish rent related??
(Even if it is), you can call up basically every Apartment in the area(especially some of the 12 you may have already crossed off the list) and be like "Hi, What kind of credit check do you require? I have two jobs, and am willing to pay a deposit, but I just tried at Big-Company-Apts, and even though my only credit issue is a Medical Bill, they said my score was too low."

Apparently some will disqualify you if you are below a certain points level, and others will look to see if you have rent related credit probs.

Don't feel embarrassed/anxious about calling and asking some questions. Pretty much the worst thing that can happen is you will waste some time. You may find some that you can get past their credit check, or that may require a steeper deposit.

Also check with stuff like craigslist if you haven't already.
 
I haven't remembered to call my mom in over a week - she texted me yesterday to ask how I was doing and I told her I would call her during the day today. Then I forgot again until just now and it's 2am in Jersey so too late. I feel really bad... She's always worried fucking sick about me even still this 10 months later. She still loses sleep over me wondering if I'm ok. I know it's not mr problem to take on and I should worry about it too much but I still feel bad, I don't profess to control her but I am the subject of her stress and anxiety and have been for years. And so even though I'm 10 months sober and doing well right now she's told me she still worries about getting "that call". She knows how much more likely it would be for me to OD if I relapsed and she's told me how much that scares her. Like I said I know it's not my problem to take on, but I know talking to her on the phone at least every few days makes her feel a lot better so I just feel bad cause I only ever remember to call in the evening and by then it's always too late where she lives.
 
Made my decision, going back to drugs, soon as i get back home which will be a long long time i'll be opening some apvp to try.. What's the point?

Someone doesn't help you when i have told them the situation i am in, i told them why i am so close to two certain people in my life and why I am making an effort especially with one, yet they don't give a flying fuck.

All i asked was a simple question and wished her the best of luck in the future and for some help but nope.

Welcome to 2014 the year of change! 8)

I guess this will now be a second IO out on me pretty soon.
 
RedLeader said:
Every one I've made phone calls to (10-12) thus far requires a check, and I assume that I'd fail them all. And I doubt that "hello, my name is redleader. Do you run a credit check?" is a great way to open up. There aren't more than a few dozen complexes in this area, anyway, and not all have openings. I'm going to try looking online later for anything that is subleased, though the idea of going that route gives me tons of anxiety. I wanted my own apartment in my own name. I'm not a people person and I just want to be left alone as long as I make my payments.

What sucks is that starting this Sunday, I'm working 7 days a week indefinitely. So apartment hunting isn't exactly going to be possible. I am kicking myself for thinking that it would be this easy.

Edit: Actually just received a phone call from a third one just now. Rejected. I can feel my anxiety peaking, it's just awful. No clue what I'm going to do.
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Are u sure that in recovery you want to work seven days a week?

What about a roomate?

Craigslist has mad roomates looking for roomates....you might even be able to get into some hijinx like the show busom buddies.....just be careful. You might end up with a yoga practicing healthnut that is concerned with your wheat grass intake.

And for content: just got out of detox....that was painful. Got rid of that std though so i guess its not that bad. The whole no music thing and they took the beautiful iris i had brought to cheer me up....that truly made it unbearable. I mean taking a perrenial from a junkie and no stevie wonder? Fuck it? Got out today and i listened to so many good songs...i saw so many fucking flowers....thatll show those bastards.
 
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Eveleivibe said:
Really annoyed. 5 years is long enough watching others be happy. Had enough of being on the outside looking in n feeling like I never belong :(
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There is so much in life for you to feel. Say the word caterpillars....isnt that tantalizing to the tongue? I used bupe iv for a year and...darling my head is on backwards now....at least it helped my proclivity for chronic womanizing. Maybe you will find some answers too. Back to unending sadness. Always...and i mean every second you are awake....remember...every boulder can turn to sand...every path of water changes eventually...after a forest fire new plants grow in the place of the dead ones. This is you too. Get outdoors...see and smell flowers...if your sick of your friends...prank the fuck out of them. If your frustrated break something fancy. Listen to funk music. Life isnt a mystery to be solved...happiness is not a fish to catch or an egg to hatch. Ill end these rambleful musings with a joke. Why was the condom flying round the room? It was pissed off.
 
I'm cold, depressed and hurting. I wanna smoke really bad just so I can get some damn sleep! but with fucking DSS breathing down my neck, it's not an option. Maybe once they go away. I love smoking and see nothing wrong with it if your smart about it that is
 
I feel like I have to keep myself active, because when I stagnate I get "stuck" and also let painful negative thoughts start to overwhelm me. That getting stuck leads to this painful procrastination self-suffering that I've been going into as a reaction to my life problems. I'm doing better recently by constantly trying to stay busy on my tasks. Seems like I may be breaking free of it.
 
Corazon said:
I feel like I have to keep myself active, because when I stagnate I get "stuck" and also let painful negative thoughts start to overwhelm me. That getting stuck leads to this painful procrastination self-suffering that I've been going into as a reaction to my life problems. I'm doing better recently by constantly trying to stay busy on my tasks. Seems like I may be breaking free of it.
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You're probably doing the right thing by keeping active n busy. Things will get better. Keep going xxxx

Dunno said:
Made my decision, going back to drugs, soon as i get back home which will be a long long time i'll be opening some apvp to try.. What's the point?

Someone doesn't help you when i have told them the situation i am in, i told them why i am so close to two certain people in my life and why I am making an effort especially with one, yet they don't give a flying fuck.

All i asked was a simple question and wished her the best of luck in the future and for some help but nope.

Welcome to 2014 the year of change! 8)

I guess this will now be a second IO out on me pretty soon.
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I'm sorry this has all happened to you. I don't know where you are in your recovery but I wouldn't quit now. Of course I can't tell you what to do but if you've come so far it would be a shame to go back n ruin it, wouldn't it?! Hang in there.

Case please try not to feel bad. It's natural for mothers to worry n more so, when they're children are/ were addicts for obvious reasons.

This just shows that you're a caring person to feel bad about it but you need to live your life now n maybe your mam could get some counselling to deal with all that's happened? It must be frightening for her to be waiting "for that call." You're doing really well, Casey, n you should be extremely proud of you. I know I am (sorry if that sounds patronising).

Take care,
Evey xxxx
 
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caseface99 said:
I haven't remembered to call my mom in over a week - she texted me yesterday to ask how I was doing and I told her I would call her during the day today. Then I forgot again until just now and it's 2am in Jersey so too late. I feel really bad... She's always worried fucking sick about me even still this 10 months later. She still loses sleep over me wondering if I'm ok. I know it's not mr problem to take on and I should worry about it too much but I still feel bad, I don't profess to control her but I am the subject of her stress and anxiety and have been for years. And so even though I'm 10 months sober and doing well right now she's told me she still worries about getting "that call". She knows how much more likely it would be for me to OD if I relapsed and she's told me how much that scares her. Like I said I know it's not my problem to take on, but I know talking to her on the phone at least every few days makes her feel a lot better so I just feel bad cause I only ever remember to call in the evening and by then it's always too late where she lives.
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Can you set an alarm on your phone or something?
 
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