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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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MagickalKat777 said:
But I can't be assured that there will be any... There is no guarantee that my anxiety will ever go away. I could very well be making the stupidest mistake of my life. Benzos produce much worse changes in the nervous system than opiates do through GABA downregulation and it takes forever for that process to reverse. And like everything, the longer you've been on them, the longer it takes to recover. I've been prescribed benzos daily since 2004 :|

I don't know. Something has to give. I mean who goes and wins disability along with 4 years of back pay and then goes suicidal? :|
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I will address your concerns in a logical manner. Make your choice you would make ok? This is your life.

1: my peripheral side effects from bupe WD might never go away. I am still having a fast GI tract, yawning, goosebumps, tachychardia, nightmares, I masturbated 5 times yesterday, and so on. This doesn't deter me.

If each of us was given a guarantee we would be back to Normal by X, Y, and Z, we would feel more assured going through this. We aren't. It's up to us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

2: look at the Ashton manual. Taper at your comfort. Realize the nightmares and other side effects of withdrawal are signs your brain is COMING BACK TO LIFE.

3: have faith you can do this. I was on bupe for 4 to 5 years. Every fiber in my being prior to 6 months ago was programmed to IV bupe my whole life.

Think about what I went through. If you want a play by play, please ask me.

4: treat your bipolar disorder. Doesn't have to be with pills or drugs. Get therapy. Get exercise. Get a good nutritionist; cut out processed foods, cut out iodine if appropriate, etc. get hobbies. Get friends. Like was said in Trainspotting, "Choose life".
 
I was starting to do good. Was taking suboxone and had been moving away from dope. I keep slipping up though! I've used the last few days and I'm worried that I'm falling back into old habits.

More importantly I'm incredibly frightened that I'm going to get kicked out of the sub program for failing to many urine tests. I need to stay in this program. If I don't I'll get thrown out of my house and I have no where else to go, no money to fall back on, and no credit cards or anything to help if I needed it.

I can't go back to using like that. I feel so down and scared.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I was starting to do good. Was taking suboxone and had been moving away from dope. I keep slipping up though! I've used the last few days and I'm worried that I'm falling back into old habits.

More importantly I'm incredibly frightened that I'm going to get kicked out of the sub program for failing to many urine tests. I need to stay in this program. If I don't I'll get thrown out of my house and I have no where else to go, no money to fall back on, and no credit cards or anything to help if I needed it.

I can't go back to using like that. I feel so down and scared.
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My advice: move. Get away from the heroin-infested east coast. Save yourself.

I hate to say it like that, but I would rather see you recovered man. You deserve it. You're a good guy.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I was starting to do good. Was taking suboxone and had been moving away from dope. I keep slipping up though! I've used the last few days and I'm worried that I'm falling back into old habits.

More importantly I'm incredibly frightened that I'm going to get kicked out of the sub program for failing to many urine tests. I need to stay in this program. If I don't I'll get thrown out of my house and I have no where else to go, no money to fall back on, and no credit cards or anything to help if I needed it.

I can't go back to using like that. I feel so down and scared.
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Sorry to hear of your troubles. My thoughts are with you n I hope things get better for you. Keep going going.
All the very best, Evey xxxx
 
Thanks Captain, you made a lot of good points. Sometimes I just need a reminder. And yeah my bipolar is quite under control without meds... in fact the only times I have ever been hospitalized for mania has been as a result of them putting me on meds, especially when they stuck me on Celexa...

And yeah Mr.Scagnattie, that is another reason I decided to change my name. Tired of people thinking I'm a chic lol.

My rant for the day... We live in the corner of the building in an 8 floor complex (we live on the 4th floor) and everyone around us jacks their heat up all day. I finally got to sleep around 10AM and when my roommate woke me up at 6PM, my anxiety was so high because of how hot it got in my room that I went straight into an anxiety attack. I even have the window open! Its 50 degrees outside and 75 in my room. WTF. How hot do people have to get? Grab a fucking blanket!
 
I can't keep up with what I am struggling with (mental health wise)

I am going to have to get myself help/support in the weeks and months to come

I thought there was a chance I wouldn't be struggling so hard with these issues after I got a few months off Suboxone.

My stubbornness is going to be an obstacle. I don't want to get help but I know I need to.
 
^You have to find people you trust, Captain. Good luck--they are out there and the LA area has some pretty progressive and innovative people working for mental health from what I have heard.<3
 
Captain, I know what you mean about the stubbornness but if you find the right help, it makes all the difference in the world man. Hugs dude, hang in there <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I can't keep up with what I am struggling with (mental health wise)

I am going to have to get myself help/support in the weeks and months to come

I thought there was a chance I wouldn't be struggling so hard with these issues after I got a few months off Suboxone.

My stubbornness is going to be an obstacle. I don't want to get help but I know I need to.
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Can I ask why you don't want help, CH?
 
Eveleivibe said:
Can I ask why you don't want help, CH?
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Well there's a lot of reasons. I am glad you asked me though because someone needed to ask me that. It's helping me think about this logically more in-depth than I was.

It is also probably due in part I factors outside my control
 
Bout to be kicked outta my psychiatrists practice because they are fucking dumbasses.. I know more bout medicine and receptors and metabolism and tolerance than they do.. they're all nps no drs. I know more shit than them and it embarrasses them so they hate me, funny that I one up them n I didn't even finish high school.
 
Suboxone just isn't holding me. It's so fucking expensive u can almost use smack for the same price. Quitting methadone was such a huge mistake. I need a car so I can get back on in secret. It kills me that I think my best shot at a high quality of life involves opiate mmt. I wonder if I'm a pussy or what.
 
I feel hated by the world. That doesn't mean by you but it means by at least one of you. Over and over. Again and again. Every human being wants to take away peace from me. You know ever since I started focusing a little I think they must have jealous spirits, because I don't know why so many spirits would try to disrupt the peace inside of me. I was being rejected by the world for quite some time. I felt it. It broke me. But that was nothing compared to what I saw later. I see a struggle. I see nothing but torment. I see that apathy is made known to me every day, and that there will not be anyone in the world who loves me.
 
Rox said:
I feel hated by the world. That doesn't mean by you but it means by at least one of you. Over and over. Again and again. Every human being wants to take away peace from me. You know ever since I started focusing a little I think they must have jealous spirits, because I don't know why so many spirits would try to disrupt the peace inside of me. I was being rejected by the world for quite some time. I felt it. It broke me. But that was nothing compared to what I saw later. I see a struggle. I see nothing but torment. I see that apathy is made known to me every day, and that there will not be anyone in the world who loves me.
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Wow Rox, it sounds like you're having a really hard time of it.

I know it's of little consolation from where you seem to be right now but that feeling is largely driven by perspective, the whole glass half full.....thing.

I firmly believe people are generally good and caring beings the world over, it is a shame that in the western world at least there arent more of those people running the show.

You ..we have to be good people and try our best to spread that goodness, that way we will play our part in making (cliche warning) the world a better place <3

Hope your days brings a bit more joy
 
@ Rox.. If you need someone to talk to my PM box is open :)
I don't judge, I don't hate.. I'll be around to talk to if you need someone to do that with.
%)
 
i can't take this pain in my back and now i'm out of pain killers FUCK
 
Get back to work a week ago after holidays and find out that nothing has been done the entire time I've been away :! Been spending this whole week playing catch-up and I'm still not done...
 
So, I spent two days drinking like it was the end of the world and missed the trimester's last two days of classes. I'm currently nursing what has to rank in the top 10 worst hangovers of my life. I have an 8 page paper, in French, due tomorrow, as well as an exam in the morning, and three papers due next week. I feel silly complaining about school shit, especially when this could have very easily been avoided, but I am stressed the fuck out.

Oh, and I woke up to the lovely smell of burnt ramen, because my drunk self decided to start making noodles late last night and then passed out. What is my life.
 
Im sat here reading this and really feel for you all. I wish there was something I could do to make things a little easier for u all... (that will be the care worker in me) just remember no matter how low you feel someone does care even if its only me xxx
 
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