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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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^^ Reason #478283 as to why ill probably never have children LOL I have no patience for kids...
 
I'm sorry mum. I know you're only trying to help; I know it must be horrid to see your child waste away like this.
I don't mean to be a piece of shit, really.
The dead feel no guilt, so I have to do it while I'm alive.
I wish I could express more to you; I know you want me to tell you more
Your desire is based on false ideation, hearing this abject condition blatantly surmised is not something that would help.

I am exhausted.
 
ugh. UGH! i'm currently tapering down my use so that 1. i have as much meds saved up as possible for a move across country i'm making in a couple months or so and 2. so my benzos are more effective when i do take them. it SUCKS ASS. i FEEL LIKE SHIT. i take only enough to not have a seizure and put the rest in a saving bottle for my move. i only take as many as i really need on work days. luckily (and also shittily) i only work part time. on my days off now....nervous wreck. fucking benzos. this is why people say they aren't worth it. but they don't know me off them if they say that :P
 
So I've been trying my best to save up k-pins in order to wean myself safely off of alcohol (I can only do it on my own cant get to rehab and cant risk losing my script). Well I just accidentally dropped 2 days worth of pills (my only extras so far!) down the fucking vent. Can I just get a break I'm trying to do the right thing. Fucking bullshit.
 
Well I'm glad I haven't got a drug problem (yet), but FUCK my anxiety is killing me. I feel like one of these days I'm gonna have a heart attack simply from how stressed I get over little things, and yet I don't feel secure about going to the doctor and trying to get a small dose benzo prescription because if he declines I'll feel awkward and I don't want my mom to find out if I do get one. Btw small doses don't even do anything for me and I'd feel like a junkie if I press on for a larger dose prescrp especially if he tries to prescribe me something different and I name out all the benzos and their effects and why they'd help more, and try to convince him otherwise.
Turning up to class for a short presentation or going somewhere for an appointment for example makes me feel physically sick & my heart beat hard as hell. Today I had to run off for a beer because I could barely walk through that door and that beer barely even affected me. It's like the level of anxiety I have cancels out whatever I try to use to counter it.


Also I also still can't get enough sleep for unknown reasons, every day time flies so fast I sit in front of my computer and before I know it it's already midnight. A couple more Youtube videos and it's 2am and another night of four hours sleep for the third or fourth day in a row. I've done this shit for so long my body has learned to cope with it and stay awake during the day when necessary but as soon as I get on the bus it's nod out time. I've probably done more damage to myself this way than I would have if I had done Heroin for a long period of time. Fuck.
Wish I could re-live my life with a different body.
 
I have never felt so completely silenced and unable to speak, or so alone. I don't want judgment; I don't want sane, sensible advice. I am neither sane nor sensible. I have labored for decades to be functional no matter the cost. My depression has not been improved by medication, regular vigorous exercise, talk therapy, or anything else I've tried over the years. And when I manage to succeed at something, expectations skyrocket. Forcing myself to function--the whole "feel the fear and do it anyway" thing--has not become easier over time, but harder. I feel like I've shredded all four tires and am driving on the rims.
 
Cats... The longer I live here the more I hate fuckin' cats... There's five, one male and four females, none of em are fixed, and two of em had kittens at the same time a couple weeks ago and we had to give em all away.

Now they wander around the house 24/7, just howling constantly, trying to find their damn kittens. Woke me up at three, five and eight a.m., MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, good God almighty SHUT. THE FUCK. UP...

I already still feel like ass in the morning from bupe PAWS, throw all these cats into the mix and it quickly turns to felicidal rage... Is that even a word? I used to like cats, why do they have so many fucking cats?

CAAAATS!!
tumblr_m9ztlzdCcR1r2amcuo1_500.jpg
 
It's been almost four years since I stopped drinking. I now look back on alcohol as the most destructive force of my life. I doubt the majority of addictive drugs have even an ounce of the disaster that drinking brought to my life, and WINE was my DOC! I did mourn the loss of a glass of wine at the end of a long day, or champagne to celebrate a happy occasion...but I have never mourned any of the wreckage brought upon me or my family by my alcoholic drinking. The fact that marijuana is illegal, but you can buy alcohol anywhere is the biggest joke in the world to me.
 
Yeah I've always thought the legality of alcohol compared to marijuana is a bit ridiculous given the fact that alcoholism is such a tragic thing..
I've seen it do terrible things to friends, and to this day the drink continues to wreak havok on the lives of people around me.
well done on making 4 years clean. I'm so happy to hear of your success.
 
Woodsong said:
Cats... The longer I live here the more I hate fuckin' cats... There's five, one male and four females, none of em are fixed, and two of em had kittens at the same time a couple weeks ago and we had to give em all away.

Now they wander around the house 24/7, just howling constantly, trying to find their damn kittens. Woke me up at three, five and eight a.m., MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, MAOW, good God almighty SHUT. THE FUCK. UP...

I already still feel like ass in the morning from bupe PAWS, throw all these cats into the mix and it quickly turns to felicidal rage... Is that even a word? I used to like cats, why do they have so many fucking cats?

CAAAATS!!
tumblr_m9ztlzdCcR1r2amcuo1_500.jpg
Click to expand...

No need to think about felicide. Cats are wonderful pets that bring happiness, definitely more so when they're spayed or neutered. Altering a cat is especially important because it lengthens life and improves the relationship between human and kitteh. 4 unspayed females and 1 unneutered male?! Are you really surprised? That male cat must be feeling like a real stud. ;)

In all seriousness, many of pets' obnoxious habits go away permanently when they're desexed. Males are not as prone to spraying/marking and females don't get pregnant with unwanted kittens that all too often wind up euthanized in shelters or worse. Here's a link to an organization that might be able to help get the kittehs fixed: www.spaygeorgia.com.

My rant today is when others put on central air conditioning when we have a high of 57°F and a low of 39°F with rain last night/today. It's really uncomfortable to wake up freezing when already it is kind of cold outside. I am reluctant to say anything because the person who did it is so pleasant and meant well. It's supposed to get way hotter later in the week so we actually might need it then. I understand that others have preferences, but really? The a/c in this weather? :(
 
So if your primary id is not a year old (license or state card), you need SEVEN forms of secondary identification to apply for a passport replacement. What kind of junkie has seven forms of secondary id?

Social security card (had to wait to apply for a reissue of this one until my reissued birth certificate came in the mail)...7-14 business days for it to come.

Voter registration card - supposedly on its way

High school transcripts - ordered, 2 weeks

College diploma - $80 for a new one

Lease with name on it - forget it, nobody will let me rent

School id - lost when wallet was stolen

Credit cards - would be rejected

Bank statements - OK, oh wait...has to be over a year old!

Library card - not personalised

This is absurd. And then I have to travel to another state to get a character witness to interview for me, pay a few hundred...still no promise of being approved.

Expedited approval requires proof of travel. Gee, who wants to risk $1000 on nonrefundable tickets if the seven ids aren't sufficient? I don't even know if a convict like me would get one even with a primary id.
 
Rant: goddamn Methadone. The stuff is a great for keeping me off junk... problem is the stuff is about 10x more addictive that diacetyl morphine. (Heroin) Any one ever heard of methadone doctors prescribing opiates with shorter half lives when people want to quit the 'done? /rant
 
Ya. The official government stance is "as many secondary ids as possible," but I contacted a few private companies that can help with the process and they all required seven to work with ya. Right now I should have five in two weeks. Don't know how I am gonna pull off two more.

They count marriage and divorce certificates. I have heard of getting married for citizenship, but...any ladies wanna go to Vegas with RL?!?

I may just apply directly with five, but that takes way longer than using a service. And I was the OP of the patience thread.
 
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