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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Pagey said:
I've never heard of anyone with an IV speedball addiction who got out of it okay. :(
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The only way I know is to give up the gear PERMANENTLY and coke in.. any form.. for a loooong time, and either give all opiates or get on a maintenance program that will be harder to kick later on, the speed ball is the end for allot of people, the time has come to take the plunge and get clean for a long while. with the speed balls or even just iv coke it gets real nasty real quick and the end could be hiding in that next rig and your life can go to hell in as little as a couple weeks or months. This exact thing you are talking about was mind blowing hard for me to do, but I made it and that means you can too. You may be against all odds but refuse to fail. Loose all the guilt rite now... this could get ugly and you will have enough to carry without worrying about useless guilt. perseverance or death, love and strength <3
 
michael said:
i think playing up someone's guilt is about the worst way on earth to encourage them to quit using. so much drug use is triggered by shame. it's counterproductive to try and use that emotion as an impetus to quit.
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I think anything can hold potential to motivate someone to create positive change. Angry because you look fat, channel the rage at the gym. Sad because you lost someone, use the pain to push yourself to meet someone else.

You need to start with a true desire to change, and then take your emotions by the fucking horns and ride them towards a better happier future.
 
FUCK fuck FUCK
I came clean to my psychiatrist about the extent of my use today because I thought it was the right thing to do. He said he's going to make me check in with a nurse at my uni every day and he's going to tell them about my drug problem. This could get me expelled from my university.
He wants me to go to rehab. I CANT go to rehab, I can't have anyone find out about this. If my parents find out it's over. No more university, no more nothing. I haven't even tried to stop on my own yet and he's not giving me the chance. I've been doing better. I haven't done a speedball in 10 days and I haven't even IV'ed in two but he's not giving me the chance to try and stop on my own. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea. Coming clean is what might ruin my fucking life.
 
How I've become such an inverted shell of a person is beyond me. A long time "internet" friend who sends me christmas cards, has helped me fund my Papillon website and been a great friend is in town and has persistently all week requested we visit with each other. It's not even like I need to be wary of this person, she's a middle aged woman from the nice suburbs of NYC. I am having a severe anxiety attack over this. Today being the last day she will be in town I am forced to visit with her. The amount of anxiety I have is unbelievable. What in the world could a person even talk about. This week has been honestly a test from hell. From 2 serious job interviews and now something as simple as meeting a long time long distance friend is about to put me over the breaking point. It doesn't help that I am trying to do a taper on my benzos so I can quit. What a terrible nightmare this week has been.

How is one supposed to explain to a middle aged normal woman friend who our only relation is owning and loving the same breed of dog that I just can't meet because I'm a monster this week? It's not possible..and so I just need to do it.

uuuhhhgh 8(
 
well, i had my sleep study last thursday and go back to the sleep doctor for results this thursday. it went about as well as could be expected i guess. i probably got tthe longest uninterrupted sleep that i have had since i don't know when (likely a result of not taking a nap the way i usually do). however, i still didn't feel rested. they woke me up at least twice to reattatch wires and at 6am woke me up to tell me the study was over but that i could go back to sleep for another hour. considering i was there because i have trouble staying asleep i wanted to SCREAM.
 
Pagey said:
FUCK fuck FUCK
I came clean to my psychiatrist about the extent of my use today because I thought it was the right thing to do. He said he's going to make me check in with a nurse at my uni every day and he's going to tell them about my drug problem. This could get me expelled from my university.
He wants me to go to rehab. I CANT go to rehab, I can't have anyone find out about this. If my parents find out it's over. No more university, no more nothing. I haven't even tried to stop on my own yet and he's not giving me the chance. I've been doing better. I haven't done a speedball in 10 days and I haven't even IV'ed in two but he's not giving me the chance to try and stop on my own. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea. Coming clean is what might ruin my fucking life.
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Absolutely did the right thing Pagey. If you take the opportunity to take care of this now you will save everything you just thought you lost and a whole lot more.. from personal experience, I know he is not overreacting. Coming clean and then struggling to get clean doesn't ruin any part of your life, but continuing to use at this point will for sure.
 
I am so fkn sick of getting up at four thirty in the morning, I feal like complete ass and fiend for prescription speed every god damn morning, and there is nothing to tell myself, at that time of the morning, to help with the craving, so fuck the undeniable fact of tolerance, cause with out it i could take the same little amount and have it work every morning and never get addicted. But alas, reality and a sizable monster addiction.
 
Rghhhhh.
Maybe if your moods directed at me didn't rapidly fluctuate on an hourly basis I wouldn't feel the urge to wipe myself off the planet.
 
Damn school is grinding me thin the next 2 weeks are gonna be hell and I have A LOT riding on my success. I need to put down the video games and pick up the pen. You think a logical person would be able to sacrifice 2 weeks to enjoy a college degree for the rest of their life? Why can't I just buckle down? I'm going snowboarding after finals so their is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to stop waiting until tommorow to work and crack the books... :/
 
Pagey :( I'm sure they won't expell you! Especially if you are trying to quit and become clean. They have a duty of care regardless.

Saying that, I don't know what to do.. I hate lying about my drug use, but last time I was honest with my substance abuse team they told my GP and wanted to stop prescribing me my taper.
I do want to taper down and quit still, but have started using opioids to deal with coming off them.. For the time being the SNRI antidepressant effects are helping me quite a bit, I just don't want to swap my addictions.

Saying that.. I now remember last night I woke up on the floor. I could barely get myself to bed and when I wake up I instantly redose.. ah..
 
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Some fucker came into our house when we were sleeping, went through our stuff and took what they wanted. I hate this feeling, violated.

It pisses me off that we couldn't do anything, and my son was in bed with us and they were right there. I can't think about that, its too scary. I feel vulnerable now..

We cant afford this right now. We fucking saved $300 and got the stupid phone fixed literally 5 days ago. Because its more environmentally friendly than buying a new one, we fixed the old one last week. And someone broke in and just took it, along with about $1000 worth of othEr stuff.

But its all replaceable, my son is not. It could've been worse.





But wrrrraaaaaaaaaa!
 
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK why do you have to leave me charlie...... the one thing i have ever truely love....fucking argggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I AM NOT FUCKING FINE WITH THIS ..............god damn it :'(
 
^<3 <3 <3

I'm really getting sick of hearing about the presence of horse meat in EVERYTHING. It not only makes me sick to my stomach, but makes me just not want to eat at all. Becoming a vegetarian again is looking more and more like an option I want to revisit.
 
pagey, anthony kiedis from the red hot chili peppers got out of a iv speedball addiction. if he can do it im sure ya can:) i got outta a hefty iv opiate addiction n almost 2 months clean! jus takes a lot of work n you really got to want it. u should read the book scar tissue by anthony, his personal life story which is probably one of my top 5 favorite books iv ever read.
 
spork said:
I'm really getting sick of hearing about the presence of horse meat in EVERYTHING. It not only makes me sick to my stomach, but makes me just not want to eat at all. Becoming a vegetarian again is looking more and more like an option I want to revisit.
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You know, as someone who works with food regularly, I don't have an issue with horse meat. Sure, they should let people know, but on a moral ground, how is it any different to beef? Are horses only to be used for racing/dog food/glue etc.?

I made it a goal of mine long ago to try all the foods that the western world looks at as taboo. I've eaten things that I revere and would make a normal person cringe and it's always been delicious. IMO people should stop being so touchy feely about their foods, the only reason we don't eat human meat is because of parasites.
 
Oh man, another opoid binge...

Didn't get too out of hand but the worst it's been in 2.5 years. Actually went out and for tar again, shits the worst form of opoid other than krokodile IMO.

Live and learn, I don't need that shit. Valium will be arriving in the mail soon and then I can speed up my Kratom taper.

Never though id say this but, god grant me the serenity...
 
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