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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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I am so tired of feeling bored with life and everything about it. Its like my anti-suppressant or suboxone just stopped working and all of a sudden I'm wanting to drink beer and chase this one girl. Anything to get sidetracked from my main goal of finishing college. Its like Im doing so good, and have 5 months sober, but I feel really depressed these last few days and even though Ive gone jogging and spoiled myself with captain crunch berries, sushi, and a new 3ds video game. Im still feeling no satisfaction from anything. I should be feeling proud of myself and happy and encouraged but im not. I took a long daytime nap and when i woke up i immediately started craving more suboxone and its like i dont want to even do the things i enjoy unless i can do some more suboxone first. Its typical addict behavior/thinking, and I dunno, ive just been having a seriously BLAH week.
 
Stoned Immaculate said:
I have 7 more weeks of this.
I understand that at the end of this I can resume my life, but I'm struggling with how immensely alone and helpless I feel.
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I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My sister had to go through traction because of scoliosis and it was depressing for her as she was stuck in bed for a few months.

If it helps, count down the days left until you're done, it helped me when I was counting the days down. :)
 
These pixels remind me of this void as I focus my awareness towards myself.
This apathy really gets in the way, for it is not complete. I still care, I'm still holding on, yet not enough.
FUCK
I have lost my train of thought, and I don't actually care.
That's the problem. There are so many problems.
I am so apathetic towards it all. I have no motivation, no care, no passion, nothing.
Yet at the same time, I care. I'm grasping on for life.
Yet, it's not enough. All it does it get in the way, make things worse.
The turmoil that arises from experiences opposites simultaneously is just
'


fuck
that's the problem. I just don't care.
I can't express myself, and that doesn't matter. Expressing myself doesn't do shit.
What fucks me off is feeling these thoughts, being aware that there is some form of symbolism and conception arising in my mind, yet it's out of the bounds of language.
There is no thought being vocalised in my mind, but I know there is something going on.


I am just so sick of all of this.
I would rather die than live.
I don't want to exist.
The very notion of living, irrespective of my state of mind and how I'm feeling, is unappealing.
There is nothing in it for me. I do not want to live.
I know that my urge to kill myself would be lesser if it weren't for being disgusted by all this absolute shit I feel, with no fucking cause, but even so-
it is not that. I want to escape that, sure.
But there's more to it than that. This is bigger than my emotions.
This is my perspective, my state of mind. The way things are for me.

I do not want to live. I should kill myself soon.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It's definitely irresponsible to drive on benzos like that but I'm just glad you didn't hurt anyone or yourself.
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For sure, me to man. Its probably a good thing they took me in because im piecing things together now(after 4 days) and i was straight blacking out/passed out at the wheel, if i didn't hit that car i would have rolled out onto a busy intersection or worse. Im not driving on anything ever again this scared the shit out of me and what sucks i wasn't even awake to witness it all. Good thing is i get to keep my decent paying job and im not in jail still nor did i kill anyone or myself. So fucking happy i didn't screw things up even more than i already did.
 
i need a new job. my current one is mind-numbing busy work. unfortunately i have no marketable skills. the idea of going back to school for anything is terrifying. blah.
 
2c-goinsane said:
For sure, me to man. Its probably a good thing they took me in because im piecing things together now(after 4 days) and i was straight blacking out/passed out at the wheel, if i didn't hit that car i would have rolled out onto a busy intersection or worse. Im not driving on anything ever again this scared the shit out of me and what sucks i wasn't even awake to witness it all. Good thing is i get to keep my decent paying job and im not in jail still nor did i kill anyone or myself. So fucking happy i didn't screw things up even more than i already did.
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That's awful :( I'm so glad to hear you/others are safe & that you won't drive impaired anymore. It's not worth it. <3 it's a topic that hits very close to me because I was rear ended by a man who was driving drunk & I'm glad I made it out alive.

If I could give advice to ANYONE, it's please please please PLEASE be safe and don't drive impaired. Hide your keys from yourself if you have to or give em to a friend/family member if you're gonna be with them.

<3
 
I dont have a human bond with anybody. My parents, my relatives, my used-to-be-buddies, etc...my relationships with them all seems empty, superficial, unnatural and sometimes just plain weird
 
^You're not alone, Dre. I've felt the same way about the people in my life so many times before and still do sometimes.
 
i don't want to go to work tonight. it's too late to call out. i would rather just go to sleep, but i'm no good at that either.
 
Same, Dre.

I had a crap day- woke up to a collections department for gas and electricity, with threats about a warrant, then more collection agencies letters through the post. I'm stressing out. I can't afford to pay off what my previous housemates never paid, plus whatever I owe, and it's a crazy amount and all on my back. Trying to sort a payment plan.. Also desperately need to pay my rent. And phone bill. And internet bill. I hate being unemployed. So pissed at myself I messed up my job in September.. I just wish someone would get back to me and give me an interview.
I failed today, tried my taper the doctors way at first but just felt so anxious and shit all day, so went to sleep to escape it and missed all my classes. I know I'm going to get kicked out soon if I don't get my act together and finish my work. I can't focus for shit though, I'm so scatty and over the place, I can't write essays, too anxious without benzos and on the taper, too brain dead when I take others on top. I've got some modafinil to try, hoping it'll help me as I can't seem to do anything at the moment.
 
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I was watching the last episode of the first season of Homeland here on my computer, the scene when Carrie says "To the hospital!" caught my attention.
I, like her, just wish I could check myself into some facility, be shot with some thorazine and rest for a few days
 
It sucks. I was really looking forward to coming home for a few days but it's been pretty awful so far. My mom just got out of the hospital for a(nother) suicide attempt and I don't want to have to deal with all this shit now. My dad's making everything worse as per usual, and I feel horribly responsible for my mom & siblings all the while knowing it's not my place to take care of them. With all this happening I can hardly go back to London in good conscience at the end of the week. It doesn't help that I'm in full-blown opiate withdrawals, have abotu 3 more essays to finish by sunday and didn't bring my pain meds with me so I wouldn't be tempted to benzo myself out of these WDs, so my neck is torturing me. It's weird, it went so well when I was home at Christmas but now I just don't feel like I don't belong. I don't belong at 'home' and I don't belong at university either...actually there isn't really anywhere I can call 'home' anymore. I feel like I'm just floating between these two countries when I shouldn't be in either.
 
I could put a rant on here about how things are going badly but instead I want to write about how things seemed so bad a couple weeks ago and I was very depressed and now things are going so well and I feel great! Sorry if this is not the place to write about feeling good but it really is giving me perspective, finally, on how things can seem so hopeless and then completely turn around. So if anyone is reading this, just remember, you cannot know how things might be in the future. Its our tendency to extrapolate everything that is going badly and expect that to continue further but that's not usually how things work. So have some hope. People with our issues really suck at having hope and in some ways that gives us a realistic outlook. But other times, there is hope so just stay with it and you might be surprised at how things change and how quickly that change may happen. :)
 
I'm on subs now been like 10 days. But I've been drinking vodka every night about 375ml....and now it's starting to taken its hold =(
 
Forever an outsider, an infinite distance away. Always looking in as all I can't have passes me by, forever.
 
So I just 6 months ago to a new city same state. I've been sober off my DOC for 5 of the 6 and it's been hell, yeah PAWS. My mom's a severe alcoholic and its been on and off my whole life. My delima is the whole time I've been sober, trying so hard, my mom has been drinking and we share an apartment. For the past month I got a connect n have been using but my mom just recently got sober granted its only been a few days n I don't expect her to stay sober but... I'm using n now I feel guilty. Don't know if I cab stop for a while. I don't see that happening anytime soon. Am I soo wrong? of course I am but...
 
Minor rant but fuck my vice president. Stuck in a department conference for 3 days & told we could wear smart casual but find out an hour ago that as our President is visiting we need to be in business dress tomorrow.

Did a hotel sink wash for my only shirt with me & now have to hope it dries by morning. If the cunt just told me earlier I would have been able to get the hotel to clean it!

At least it is a first world problem I spose.....

I also forgot to bring any benzos with me & could not risk smuggling anything on a plane either. At least I get to go home tomorrow & sleep in ny bed.
 
my sleep study is tonight. i am not allowed to nap today. as a biphasic sleeper at best and serial napper the rest of the time this sounds like pure hell. i am going to try and keep busy all day but as i have little energy this also sounds like hell. i am tired, tired, tired. tired of being tired. all i want is a decent night's (or days, since i work overnights) sleep. i have never had consistent rested sleep except for a brief period when you could still buy ghb OTC here. i don't see a xyrem script in my future and even if i were prescribed it off-label (and contrary to popular belief, this happens frequently) i doubt my insurance would approve it since it's ridiculous expensive for no good reason. ugh.
 
I'm so bloody sick of myself and my inability to get my shit together! Do simple things like shower, make meals, leave the house, go to classes, go to appointments, do work, get and hold down a job. I keep sleeping to avoid everything, every time I wake up I just feel numb, depressed or really anxious and just stay in bed. It's like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle, caused by myself, but I can't stop it. I'm going to try again tomorrow, but that's what I always say to myself.
 
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