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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Heh, I thought I would try and stay up all night, make "tomorrow" now.. Took a load of modafinil so I could make it to my 9am class/ get on with shit.. It's past 6am, and I just read my emails saying the class has been cancelled. God damnit haha.
 
I don't know what to feel at this moment. I am scared, yet far from fearful. I have faith and believe god will forgive me for all my mistakes, all my harmful actions and destructive moves on myself and others. I am terrified at the same time. I am fearful of the pain which lays ahead. Knowing all I've been through thus far, I am scared to find out if I have hit rock bottom or if the most hurtful suffering is yet to come.

I have faith though. I know all that I've been through has only made me a stronger person, yet at the same time I am unsure of how to feel, knowing that again all I've been through has made me the fearful, scared and sometimes hopeless person I am today.

I have so many scars inside and out that I fear exposing myself to those who involuntarily love me. I've hurt so many people I loved and still love to this moment, that I am so defensive and refuse to open up to those who wish to give me a chance. What have I got to lose? I am at rock bottom, I can go nowhere but up yet I can not make that first move to redemption. I am trapped, possessed by demons and souls which try to hurt me. I forgive them however as I know they only want what I want, which is forgiveness and redemption.

I have become extremely spiritual lately. I never really believed in "God" as much as I did simply an unknown higher power. The universe, nature and reality was my god and that which I had faith in. I had become delusional at times believing I was in fact god himself and I was cursed with my gift to existence, which is the gift of life itself. However I have learned that I am not god himself, I am simply a child of existence. I am a child of god, stuck on this realm of existence, doing gods work while being cursed with suffering from the demons and hells below. I do not fear them, for I know the pain I receive from them is only because they wish to have what I have, which is the forgiveness and redemption of god himself. Because God forgives me for my mistakes and destructive actions, I forgive them for hurting me and causing suffering on myself. This all in turn gives me the strength to carry on and further my path to redemption and heaven.

I am fearful of life however. I do not wish to suffer anymore. I am certain this existence is eternal however and I know this will continue forever and ever. My physical body will soon be gone, this I know, however my soul will continue to pass on and what it is to experience - the unknown - is what terrifies me.

I pray my soul will be redeemed. I do not wish to suffer any longer. I do not wish to see the souls around me suffer any more. I want to help them so much but I hurt knowing I can only do so much for them. I do not wish to act selfishly and help only myself, yet sometimes all I can do is act in my own interest in order to reduce the suffering in which I experience. I pray god will forgive me for my selfish actions, I pray he knows I mean not to harm but to only reduce the suffering in which I experience through trying to save those around me. Can I even save those I love? Is it even my duty to do so? Am I acting ignorantly in thinking I have the strength to help those I love? I hope I have the strength to do what I desire, which is to only bring peace and love to those around me, to those souls which inhabit this earth.

God, please forgive me.
 
I'm sorry but what the fuck.
My daughter is on the school bus for an hour and a half because they came early and I wasn't out there to get her off the bus.
I stood outside for 15 minutes in the snow and then the call that they already came. That is completely unfair to her. They won't let me come pick her up for another hour. SO UNFAIR. I feel so angry I want to cry. I NEVER GET ANGRY. I can't remember the last time I was ANGRY!!!!
 
dear random pet store guy: molly does not look like a fucking shi-tzu. you fucking fail at identifying dog breeds. for one, she'd be a goddamned giant example of the breed and for two her face is all wrong. dumbass.
 
derrp

i just hit my caps lock key twice and wondered why i wasn't typing in caps

the other day i clicked the title bar of my browser and wondered why the page didn't scroll to the top.
 
After a week with no drugs save codeine, alcohol and a couple lines of coke, feeling so much healthier and better about myself, the very first thing I do when I come back to London is call up my dealer. And I do literally mean the FIRST thing. It's pathetic. I can't believe it's gotten to this.
 
^Try not to be too hard on yourself, hun. So many of us have done the same thing. I think the important takeaway from this is to realize that you have what it takes to decrease your usage and remembering how good you felt about it. Getting clean can be a long process with sometimes several setbacks, but you're making progress. Be kind to yourself and it'll be easier. <3
 
I made edibles last night and I had the worst bout of cannabis paranoia. Seriously I'm shocked that I didn't off myself last night. It was too intense. I was terrified for my life.
 
spork said:
^Try not to be too hard on yourself, hun. So many of us have done the same thing. I think the important takeaway from this is to realize that you have what it takes to decrease your usage and remembering how good you felt about it. Getting clean can be a long process with sometimes several setbacks, but you're making progress. Be kind to yourself and it'll be easier. <3
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Thank you spork, I needed to hear that <3 the thing is I don't think I'm making any progress, if anything it's getting worse. I've gone from a snorted heroin addiction to an IV heroin addiction to an IV speedball addiction. It's really, really starting to affect my life and people are starting to notice stuff. I don't know what to do. I've never heard of anyone with an IV speedball addiction who got out of it okay. :(
 
^I do know of quite a few people from Bluelight who have gotten through a speedball addiction. It'll take a lot of work, but it's not something that's impossible by any means. I know you've probably heard it before, but you should delete your dealer's number and do what it takes to have no/minimal contact with them. Tell them that you want to get clean and makes sure they know you're serious about it. You also could look into if your university has drug abuse counseling services or group therapy. I know a lot that do and most of the time they're free to students. Do whatever it takes to get through it. It's gonna be difficult, but you CAN do it.
 
Yeah? Okay...that makes me feel a bit better. I'm definitely gonna look into drug abuse counseling services because the therapist I have right now is absolute shit, to put it clearly, when it comes to helping me with my drug problems since she just makes me feel guilty about them. It's new that I'm feeling so awful about the whole thing though so maybe this is good, maybe I'm finally getting the wake-up call I need to quit this.
 
Pagey said:
Yeah? Okay...that makes me feel a bit better. I'm definitely gonna look into drug abuse counseling services because the therapist I have right now is absolute shit, to put it clearly, when it comes to helping me with my drug problems since she just makes me feel guilty about them. It's new that I'm feeling so awful about the whole thing though so maybe this is good, maybe I'm finally getting the wake-up call I need to quit this.
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you should feel guilty about the drug use, you just need to channel the feeling of guilt into motivation to WORK HARD to be clean and healthy.

it isn't easy, but it is so very possible and worthwhile to not be a loser junkie who wastes away any potential and talent.
 
Yeah Pagey i agree w/ Kaywholed. Your playing w/ fire and the house always wins because the game is rigged. I would seriously urge you to quit and make an exit strategy that you control instead of continuing down this path until everything is horrible and your forced into withdrawals/sobriety/rehab/homelessness etc. Sobriety is so much harder when you don't want it, but are forced to go through it because you have no money or can't find any dope.
 
i think playing up someone's guilt is about the worst way on earth to encourage them to quit using. so much drug use is triggered by shame. it's counterproductive to try and use that emotion as an impetus to quit.
 
I have been really happy and optimistic about the future. I developed the feeling that I had something to contribute to this world. I had been doing various things to be nice, doing things to help other people around me and even donating a significant amount of money to charities. I started doing these things because I thought it was a good thing to do and because the money I was donating would have otherwise just been spent on more drugs. Right now, I have a good stash of drugs - many different kinds - I did not feel it was necessary to buy more drugs to stock up on. Doing nice things for other people and supporting charitable causes made me feel better. I will continue with this portion of the post later on. My view on these behaviors has shifted quite quickly, though I feel a bit conflicted about whether I should adopt my new outlook on this - I am not sure which way I am going.

I had a new found optimism and sense of purpose. This probably came about because things were looking better for me and it seemed the people in my life who care about me and whom I care about were doing well and the future looked a lot less dark after this.

The day before yesterday, I got some bad news regarding the health of my mother. At that point, all of that happiness and misguided optimism vanished instantly.
I woke up yesterday in the middle of a panic attack and I am not sure what caused it. That ended pretty fast and then I just felt sad and empty.
My mom has stage 4 breast cancer - it was in that stage when she was diagnosed over six years ago. The chemotherapy had been working well and keeping it under control.
She got her results back. I asked her about them, expecting further improvement. She said there was no change - it had not changed one way or the other.
She was crying when she said that. She takes two types of chemo, one that makes her sick and the other one does not.
I thought she told me they were putting her back on the harsh chemo. It was a misunderstanding, she actually said they were taking her off (the next day I asked her when she had to have another harsh treatment and that is when I found out I misheard her).

Back to getting the news - I took that and the fact she was crying to mean she was going to be dead soon. I tried to not show any emotion but I lost my composure and started just sobbing.
When she saw that, she told me she was crying because she fell on the porch coming into the house. She did not know I misheard her about the chemo and did not tell me that as a result.
She did tell me that she was okay and I didn't need to get upset about it. I got my emotion under control and pretended to be okay.
Her crying and my misunderstanding what she said led me to believe she would soon be dead. Before hearing that, it was like I had a bright light inside my soul. There is a small subset of patients with her condition who live 10, 20, 30 years, or even longer. They frequently die of something unrelated and this includes old age.
The cancer repeatedly returns and the chemo puts it back in remission. A major source of my improved outlook was my belief that she was one of those long-term survivors. The realization that she was soon to die just shattered all of that.
The light inside me burnt out. Going back on the hard chemo meant to me that I was wrong and her death was near. Knowing that just destroyed me inside. It also destroyed the feeling that I could have any kind of positive impact on the world.

She did set me straight about the situation after she realized my misunderstanding. That did not change how I felt right away, but I did recover the outlook I had as well as the idea that I had something to contribute to make some unnoticeable but positive impact on the world. That happened after a few hours of thinking things through.

Right after my inner light turned back on, I got the news that my dad was moving away. He does not live with my mom and I, but he had been staying here the last couple of weeks to look for another place. When I heard he was moving away, I took that to mean somewhere far away. I also thought it was due to some kind of fight or hate between them. They had been getting along just fine since they stopped living together. It was upsetting to think that had changed and that he was going far away. That put be back in a similar state as the news my mom gave me before that. That turned out to be a misunderstanding as well, he is just moving into an apartment in my town. That cleared my outlook up again, but it was a bit concerning because that shows me that the positive state of mind is really fragile and could collapse at even a minor upset in my life.

Then came the next disappointment. This time, it was the real deal and not a misunderstanding. My brother is getting paroled. He'll be out soon, and that probably has not changed. He was coming back to my town and I was really looking forward to seeing him again and just hanging out. The parole board wants him to be with family until he finds a place to live. A condition of his parole is no drugs(including alcohol). He was drinking 20-30 beers per day before he left to Dallas. He is almost 32 years old. I don't think he has been out of prison for more than six months at any one time since he was 17. When he gets out and comes to live in my town, he stays out of trouble. He always ends up leaving to go to a big city after a few months. Every single time he goes back to the city, he ends up in prison again very quickly. He stayed out of trouble for about six months the last time he came back. After that, he went to Dallas. In less than two weeks, he ended up in prison again. It has been about two years now. One reason he is getting paroled is my parents health problems. He has decided that he is going to a big city (I think San Antonio) as soon as he gets out. He went there before and was back in prison in about a month after he got there. He was in my town for about four months and had no trouble at all during that time. It looks like I won't be seeing him again. I am sure he will quickly be behind bars quickly. My mom will probably be dead by the next time he gets out and she really wants to see him. I was getting things ready to sell on eBay and I was going to give him enough money to rent a place while he looked for a job if he wanted me to. He also needs clothes and he asked for that. I am still going to buy him some clothes, even though there is little point in doing so.

After that, I took some time to analyze my reasons for doing what I feel is right and for doing things that make me feel good in general.
What it really boils down to is that it makes me feel better. Everything I have done has just been an attempt to make myself feel better and believe that I have value.
My actual motivation for doing shit like that is selfishness and ego inflation. It has nothing at all to do with making things better for anyone or anything else.

I really do not want to be that kind of person, but everyone else is probably the same things.
I am going to help my brother out anyway.
I will not be throwing money away for charity any more and I really hope that I have done nothing to compel anyone else to waste their money.

When I thought my mom was about to die, I realized that I am going to end my life after that happens.
When she is gone, all the other people in my life will disperse and go on their separate ways.
At that time, I will be alone. That is sad to me. On the other hand, I will also be free to do whatever the hell I want because nobody else will be hurt by anything I do.
I intend to just buy as many drugs as possible with the money I make since that is really what makes me feel good. There are so many that I want to try.
When everyone around me is gone, I am going to use drugs all the time.
If a time comes after that when I can not get enough drugs to stay happy, I intend to nullify my existence.
Things seem fine now, but the future is very dark.

I had this feeling when I was six years old. I was sitting under the kitchen table and my family were there eating. I felt this deep feeling that I just did not belong.
I have felt that way pretty much since that time. I initially thought I was just different from the rest of my family. After a while, I started feeling like I was on the wrong planet.
Eventually, I came to feel that I just did not belong anywhere. Those feelings went away. Since that string of bad news and the way it has kind of changed my outlook on things, I have been having moments where I once again feel as if I don't belong anywhere.

I hope that this is just some temporary reaction to stress and not the beginning of returning permanently to my previous state of mind.
When I die, I hope it is extremely fast and I don't even have the time to notice anything happen - no thoughts and no pain.

I am not sure if my mom is telling the truth. I think she may just be hiding it from me. I know she would lie about her condition if she thought it would make me feel better.
We all have to die anyway, so it really does not matter in the end.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea with what I am posting here. I do not feel depressed and I am in no danger of killing myself or anything like that. Maybe this does not really belong here.
It is just a recognition of what is coming and maybe a step toward making more rational choices instead of allowing my emotions to cloud my logic. It does produce a sense of loss and emptiness, but not necessarily in a bad way. I am somewhat worried that this could be an indication that I am going to return to a state of depression though.

I do need to eliminate any feelings or compassion I have for my brother so that I do not feel bad about what happens to him and so that I do not miss him.

There are some other things going on too. My oldest brother has a blood disorder that could turn into leukemia. His oldest son (who has lived with me and is more like a little brother) seems to be at risk of the same thing. He has always had a high white blood cell count and it seems to very slowly be getting worse. That is not any kind of immediate risk to his health though.
 
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Pagey I can't picture u doing speedball your vibe is so much better than that.. Learn from us that have went down your road before... It's not fun.... It's sadness and self pitty.. Stop before it get worse. Plz don't end up like me wasting my talent... I know u think being a junkie has a glamor to it
.
It doesn't. Stop before it's to late
 
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Get2Think said:
Yeah Pagey i agree w/ Kaywholed. Your playing w/ fire and the house always wins because the game is rigged. I would seriously urge you to quit and make an exit strategy that you control instead of continuing down this path until everything is horrible and your forced into withdrawals/sobriety/rehab/homelessness etc. Sobriety is so much harder when you don't want it, but are forced to go through it because you have no money or can't find any dope.
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I know it's gonna end badly, I do, I'm really not naive about it...I just have no idea how to stop. I don't feel able to cope with some stuff in my life without drugs right now. I don't care much about the physical WDs, it's just psychologically I feel so deep down in this and I just don't know how to get out.

michael said:
i think playing up someone's guilt is about the worst way on earth to encourage them to quit using. so much drug use is triggered by shame. it's counterproductive to try and use that emotion as an impetus to quit.
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Agreed.

DrinksWithEvil said:
Pagey I can't picture u doing speedball your vibe is so much better than that.. Learn from us that have went down your road before... It's not fun.... It's sadness and self pitty.. Stop before it get worse. Plz don't end up like me wasting my talent... I know u think being a junkie has a glamor to it
.
It doesn't. Stop before it's to late
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Hah well thanks but I don't have much of any kind of vibe anymore. I really do want to stop before I end up throwing my academic opportunities and everyone I care about away, but as I said...I don't know how. Save a couple lines of coke last friday I haven't used any in almost 10 days though so that's a start I guess.
 
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