Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

[Psychlone Jack]

Yeah I've been using an ecig for about two months now, def the way to go. I have 1.5 bottles of 16mg liquid left, and when that's gone, I may try giving up this too.

 

[Stoned Immaculate]

I'm miserable and very unhappy.

It's been exactly one week since spine surgery and I'm going out of my head being cooped up in this house. I'm sick of having no one to talk to. I'm sick of being unable to drive (as I just found out is pretty fucking uncomfortable), and I'm sick of being engaged to someone who seems to constantly put blame on me for his poor choices in prioritising and time management. I was bombarded by family and friends who were so adamant on extending the offer, "if you need ANYTHING, just let me know", yet when I just want something as simple as some company and maybe a drive to lunch...everyone is busy.

I miss being me. I miss getting ready in the morning for my day. I want to go get my hair done...I want to go get my nails done. I feel like such an ugly fucking loser here by myself. I miss being able to do things for myself.

 

[SkagKush]

^ How long is your recovery time from surgery supposed to be?

I'm sorry to hear about how you are feeling stoned immaculate, and I hope the recovery goes well. It sounds as if your friends and family do want to help or keep you company, maybe try arranging something with them a day prior?

Just think, when your all healed up you can do everything you want to be doing and more!

 

[Stoned Immaculate]

I have 7 more weeks of this.
I understand that at the end of this I can resume my life, but I'm struggling with how immensely alone and helpless I feel.

 

[ad lib]

seriously i know i am overreacting but i am sooooo fucking mad my bf bought the wrong turkey and the wrong cheese today..... seriously he knows what i like wtf .... stupid hormones i know its NOT a big deal but still!!!! (i am partly just frustrated with myself right now because i know i am being crazy)

When I was pregnant (I ended up losing the baby/pregnancy) I once balked my eyes out because I didn't have bread for a tuna sandwich. My manager at work asked what was wrong so I told him & then he ended up buying me a sandwich lol. Pregnancy hormones are crazy. Much to you.

 

[Pagey]

pagey - sounds like the starting phase of a rapid decline in your life due to drugs. I've been there too many times. Only difference was I didn't stop. You still have the chance. Or you will get worse and end up a dropout wishing u would of quit earlier

I know...and I see how badly it always ends up for everyone which just makes me feel even more disgusted in myself that I don't even want to quit. It's not even that I can't do it, it's that I don't want to. It's pathetic.

Pagey: I know how ya feel, heroin and amphetamine binge for me... Yippie!

Didn't get anything tonight tho, if I can make it thru my midterm tomorrow I think I may make a full recovery...

But seriously, be careful, we don't need anymore shriners here on BL

Be careful dude hope your midterm went okay

ahh Pagey... It sounds as if you had sobriety prior to this though? Is that correct? If it is then you know what to do and how to get it...

do you want it?

Im sorry for everything you have been through lately, and I wish you nothing but luck. I recently went back to school myself, and I know what the pressure can be like of keeping your addictions at bay so you dont self destruct......again.

Well I was sober for like 10 days and to be honest it was more out of obligation than choice...basically I had a moment of panic when I realized how dependant I was on heroin and deleted my dealer's number, which I immediately regreted blablabla so I stayed clean for a while...until I found his number again. The thing is as I said to DWE, I don't actually want to quit...I really know I should and I know this is gonna fuck up my life but I'm sure you also know that no addict will ever manage to quit unless he/she wants to
Thank you for your support, I hope you're doing okay yourself.

 

[kace]

I just realised by my empty boxes I've messed up my taper pretty bad.. I don't know what to do. The low dose taper just sent me pretty manic/ suicidal/ depressed and I just couldn't deal with it. I thought I was using moderately, but I've gone through over a hundred pills on top of my taper in a few weeks. I fucked up pretty bad.. I guess I should just stick with the taper and try and moderately use and cut down on the other stuff. But without being on a decent dose I just feel like shit them and can't function. Argh.

I hate my bday, just reminds me I'm a failure and fuck up.

 

[2c-goinsane]

Just got out of jail tonight(feels magnificent) at 9 for a dui charge, was in jail for nearly 3 days. Was wasted on Alprazolam(8mg) and rear ended someone at a red light going about 10-15mph, apparently a undercover was following me and i was rubbing against the guard rails before i hit someone. Im not proud of what i did at all, i feel very bad about it. 1st time in jail not good place to be so watch out when your driving and using drugs please everyone or just dont do it.

Whats weird is i had alprazolam the day before the accident (6mgs) and i caught a decent buzz. day after i go pick some up swallow 8mgs to make sure they work because i have tolerance from the day before and the 8mgs just kicked my ass was 5-10 minutes from my house when i crashed. Felt very nice to have a dr.pepper, Big mac and cigarette/cannabis this evening.

 

[Stevenski]

I applied for a new position in my corporation. Not a step up but a sideways step that will benefit me in the long term & is very good exposure wise. One of my best friends was meant to interview me & she had to step away because our personal relationship could show bias in my favour (which I completely understand). Anyway I was having a cigarette with a colleague & the person who will be interviewing me came up to me & said "we will have to tee up your interview when you get back from your conference" in front of my colleague. No one was meant to know I was applying for this position & it was to be kept confidential due to internal politics.

This has caused me huge stress & now I am high as a kite trying to deal with this bullshit. Some people do not understand the concept of being professional in business & I will be challenged on it tomorrow once word is out. If people could just shut their fucking pie hole life would be less complicated.

 

[Pagey]

I missed my lecture today, again...I've missed 4 out of 6 of these lectures. There's no way I'm gonna pass this module and it's just cuz I physically cannot get up for that time. I really need to sort out my sleeping problems but I've got no fucking idea how. I feel so guilty.
And maybe it's all this valentine's day shit but the loneliness is hitting me tenfold today. And I've been on a non-stop drug binge since last saturday. Really hate myself right now.

 

[SkagKush]

Pagey... It's true that an individual won't stop until their ready, and that could be for what ever reason is suiting to them; although a lot of the time its rock bottom (physical / emotional / spiritual).

I can speak from my personal experience though, and heroin ruined my life along with everything good in it. I rolled my truck, got expelled from school, got shunned from family, broken relationships, bankrupted myself, ended up on the streets, on suboxone maintenance, and the list just goes on and on.

I just hope you find a path that works for you, and you deserve a great life. I can relate to a lot of what your going through, and right now Im dealing with being able to get my ass out of bed as well.

 

[Pagey]

^Thanks, I appreciate the support. I'm sorry you had to go through all that and I hope things are starting to look up for you now. This is what makes me so mad - I hear so many stories like yours of people who've endured so much ebcause of heroin, and it just never ends well, and despite all that I just can't bring myself to even consider stopping. I'm just so disgusted in myself for that.

 

[Psychlone Jack]

Pagey, I know how you feel. Seeing and hearing the warnings months and years off, seeing friends, family, the people who taught me how to use, succumb to addiction in various ways. But we always brush it off - "It will never happen to me."

And that's that.

I remember my dad, who still uses, begging me at age 13, after I got caught smoking pot for the first time, to stay away from drugs, that it never ends well.

And here I am almost FOURTEEN years later, still having to learn the hard way. I guess sometimes experience is the only viable teacher for people like us. You have no reason to feel disgusted with yourself. Until you can find YOUR reason to stop, please just be safe.



I don't really have a rant, I was just sitting here wondering how the hell I was gonna pay these bills, having spent the money on my most recent bender, and the deadline is tomorrow. Phone rings, one of my contractors has some work for me tomorrow, and it will be enough to pay the bills, and even buy a few groceries.

Deus ex machina.

 

[aussie101]

I have insomnia and its pissing me off. I've been off opiates nearly a month, but can't shake this insomnia. I feel sleepy yet I can't sleep. I'd like to take more benzos but i am sticking with just the 5mg diazepam and 2mg clonazepam. My tolerance a few weeks ago was such that these don't do all that much. Sometimes i sleep, sometimes i don't - it is now 1:30AM and still not asleep....Boooooooooooh

 

[kace]

Pagey, you should explain to uni that you've got insomnia and are seeing a doc, you can also ask the nhs doctors for free medical notes for uni explaining why/ backing you up why you'r absent, but you're getting help. I'm going doing the same sort of root, my sleeping pattern is so messed up I keep missing lecturers. And if I don't get my attendance up to 75% they've gonna kick my ass out.

I've been up since 3 am, just want to sleep now. And eat cake.

 

[michael]

i find it really disturbing how many people find my flickr by googling for 'dead man masturbating' or 'masturbate a dead man' or many other variations of the same thing.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I failed at getting the motivation to go to work. I haven't had many days off yet but I'm still worried they're going to say something and I'll be jobless again.

 

[Sepher]

i find it really disturbing how many people find my flickr by googling for 'dead man masturbating' or 'masturbate a dead man' or many other variations of the same thing.

^Hahahaha! Top result Michael, you should be proud of your obvious SEO skills. People pay a lot of money to get number one on Google mate. Perhaps you could use it as part of a portfolio to tout round businesses with a lower profile web presence or something?

I failed at getting the motivation to go to work. I haven't had many days off yet but I'm still worried they're going to say something and I'll be jobless again.

I know that one. I can't seem to drag myself out of bed, so beat down at work I can barely face anyone, let alone deal with customers all day. I'm in a dangerous place at the minute, up to my eyeballs in bills that I'm struggling more and more to pay because of all the time off. I'm fucked if I lose this job but seem to be backing my boss into a corner with it.

 

[ad lib]

I totally overdid it with the opiates yesterday...now I'm sick. I've been nauseous and vomiting since around 8pm yesterday. Now I have a splitting headache.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Just got out of jail tonight(feels magnificent) at 9 for a dui charge, was in jail for nearly 3 days. Was wasted on Alprazolam(8mg) and rear ended someone at a red light going about 10-15mph, apparently a undercover was following me and i was rubbing against the guard rails before i hit someone. Im not proud of what i did at all, i feel very bad about it. 1st time in jail not good place to be so watch out when your driving and using drugs please everyone or just dont do it.

Whats weird is i had alprazolam the day before the accident (6mgs) and i caught a decent buzz. day after i go pick some up swallow 8mgs to make sure they work because i have tolerance from the day before and the 8mgs just kicked my ass was 5-10 minutes from my house when i crashed. Felt very nice to have a dr.pepper, Big mac and cigarette/cannabis this evening.

It's definitely irresponsible to drive on benzos like that but I'm just glad you didn't hurt anyone or yourself.