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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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afterlyfestyle said:
Thanks Maya like legit I'm really glad this website was invented, over the last few months its kept me sane and kept me in contact with other people in the outside world that didn't screw me over haha. It really has kept me together. Its been a terrific outlet when I feel like no one else in the world will listen/care to my problems, even though I don't expect people to read what I type when it comes to these things it is just so mentally relieving to at least type it out and put it into words and half get it off my chest... Its just been such a great help.

And everyone around here is terrific and just so nice and I know they're all in the same struggle that I'm in, just trying to do good, not get screwed over, bring a bit more happiness in the world and just make the world a lovelier place to live. I like engaging with people on here because a lot of them are like-minded and just really nice, when I log in to bluelight it just feels like no one hates me, just for a few hours, and sometimes people actually value my input and it makes me feel like I'm appreciated as a person. Like my thoughts actually matter to someone.

Usually I can keep everything together sweet but I know 100% these thoughts are just passing and everything is gonna be infinitely times better when I am not in this part of the country.

This is gonna be the last saturday I spend alone here too...

I was lying down patting my dog tonight, ironic how in Australia our dog is our best friend yet when someone wrongs us we call them a dog. Over the last few weeks I've gotten real emotional about my dog, I've had him since I was 12 and I'm about to move... of course I'll fly down and see him but he's only got a few years left in him and he's the only dog I've ever had. I'm gonna miss him very much, he has got so much character so I'm making the best of my time with him. He's asleep on my bed. He's not supposed to be on the bed usually but this is okay ;)


Everythings gonna be okay....... I might be opening a clothing store next year so that will be cool I spent all tonight looking up designs/costs and everything it looks like it could realistically happen and the cool thing is it will be 100% legal because its just clothes!! :) And clothes in Australia are so expensive, but I was looking at all the costs and everything will be cheap, savings will be passed onto the customers so they aren't paying ridiculous prices and all the 18-25 year olds that go clubbing will honestly have some of the freshest and most stylish stuff to go out and wear, so everything is gonna be A OKAY EVERYTHING UNTIL THEN IS JUST A WAITING GAME :) :) :)
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I feel you mang, when I was in high school I was bulled too so I know how it felt to not belong. I have mostly forgiven them but I don't ever want to talk to them or be friends. They made my high school years horrible instead of me having a great time and making it memorable. They ruined everything my life basically in high school was shit. You should go somewhere else were people will accept you. It's also better to have a few friends who will accept what you are and you can trust.

ad lib said:
I really, REALLY want my ex to go and fuck himself repeatedly. I only hate ONE person, and he's it. Fucking Christ. He hurt me more than any human being on this fucking planet.
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Oh addy seriously fuck him! Ignore everything about him. The cheater ones are the easiest ones to forget! Hang in there hun everything is going to be alright. Besides you are younger beautiful and smart so fuck him really!!!!!
 
I just need to vent I think

I don't even know where to start really. I'm considered by my peers as such great fun. I'm always drunk, under the influence of something and I'm hilarious at parties. But I just think is this it? Am I not just killing myself slowly in a very sociable manor? Tonight I got asked out by a truthfully beautiful person, I'm over the moon. But Thursday I got fucked on Moët and smashed in an American high flying executive for fun. My behaviour was always very out there but with cocaine and all the rest I'm pushing the boundaries more and more. When will I stop? What is going to actually satisfy my urge to escape? I don't expect any answers I just wanted to let this out.
 
I think I'm done trying to help people.

All it does is get you called names, shit talked about you or people just try and make you feel like shit.


Struggling to find refuge anywhere in life, even the places that are supposed to be supportive. The fuck is the point of a community if all your gonna be doing is talking shit about one another and just putting each other down when the point is everyone is trying to help each other. 24 Hours ago I was thinking the complete opposite. what the fuck.
 
^ Did it occur on this forum? I hope not :( We love all the help we can get from other members! PM me if you need to <3
 
afterlyfestyle said:
I think I'm done trying to help people.

All it does is get you called names, shit talked about you or people just try and make you feel like shit.


Struggling to find refuge anywhere in life, even the places that are supposed to be supportive. The fuck is the point of a community if all your gonna be doing is talking shit about one another and just putting each other down when the point is everyone is trying to help each other. 24 Hours ago I was thinking the complete opposite. what the fuck.
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What's going on afterlyfe? <3
 
Chronic back pain has kept me on my back tonight, can't sleep in my room (long shitty annoying lame story in hindsight) but I'm now just kinda lying here on the couch which isn't really a problem, just this unwanted feeling wherever I go (physically/electronically) keeps reoccurring and I'm just feeling it all a bit more raw tonight than compared to lunchtime.

Like I was going to sleep at like 1...2..3... but the mind won't switch off it keeps racing and now it's 5:49am, shiet ha not ideal but I'm hoping I'm just gonna drop asleep soon, dunno why my sleep pattern is so out of whack tonight but as always everything is gonna be better in the morning and no joke for real the sun is now coming up behind the curtains

AND THE FIRST BIRD SOUNDS JUST STARTED AS I FINISHED TYPING TJAT

GOOD TIMING ha I should look at more upsides like this more often... I feel silly the last couple days coming back and seeing what I wrote but I always remember "at the time" that I really needed to get that off my chest and just put it down on words

Thanks for tolerating me guys hahahaha
 
lolwhatzdrugs said:
I feel like I'm standing in place, college-wise, eeking out a few hours at a time. At least they're A's, but at this rate I'll get a B.S. at the age of 35. Fuck that.

And then I finally look at a paper I'm supposed to write and it's 300 words? WTF. This is college, and MY ESSAY is only a 300 word requirement? It's on personality theory, not a particularly easy subject. This is super depressing to me. Why even take the class if it requires 0 effort? I could've written an "A" material, MLA cited paper of 1,200 words in a day no problem. The outline I wrote for it consisted of 5 lines, not even filled, and it already completed 13% of the paper. That made me extra sad. Fucking 3/4 page paper due

I wrote longer multi page, 1,000 plus word shit in high school? WTF? When will I finally make it to university as a Junior? If it's not next year, I dunno if I can take this shit. And I don't mean suicide, just arghhhhhhh.......

I started taking online classes because every time I went to the actual school it was usually depressing that everyone around you is an idiot. Don't mean to sound arrogant, and there ARE smart people, but this is community college so.....And some of the responses in online group discussion could have been written by a retarded monkey.

I'm only at this college cause I can't afford/don't want to pay for fucking university ($2,165.00 for a standard 3 hour course, VS $149 for the same class, no contest.......and they transfer to state universities ).

I just need to get to State University and take full loads (12 hours still $5,432 Vs $600 here....). What's really nuts is 15 and anything over it is the same ($5,903).
I need something challenging, to stop procrastinating, and being lazy as shit.

Argh

Arghhh
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I feel ya, i went to uni for three semesters but stopped because i couldnt afford it. Now im at community college and it SUCKS. Everyone is so disrespectful to the professors, most the profs dont even give a shit anymore, theres rose stems and needles always in the bathrooms left by bums coming in to use the bathrooms, all the classes are always full, but by the end of the semester more than 50% of the people withdraw...its like if youre not serious about taking the class DONT EVEN REGISTER...give the people who are actually serious the chance of getting a seat in there. Its sad my english class had 40 people on the first day and at least 15 trying to add, now were eown to 8 including myself.
I can never get in the classes i need because fundings so low and we have such few classes and people aign up and dont follow thru with the class......just ranting!!!

Also so pissed off by all the consequences of my drug use, i.e., my arrest record. Im trying to get into radiology school and since we are training in hospitals you must pass a background check...well i have warrants in alaska altho i think its only a statewide check...but here i have a drug charge and three prostitution misdemeanors, and the program conaiders a charge dismissal of application because they have so many applicants theyll just choose one w a clean record. Trying to get it expunged wish i could afford a lawyer.

And i was an idiot and tried stealing an eyeliner from walmart and got caught. Smh im dumb sometimes. They didnt call the police but gave me some sort of fine. I dont have the cash to pay tho, its a civil penalty and has nothing to do w the courts tho.
 
I'm going crazy. I'm loosing my mind. There is too much pain for me, I can't take it any more.

I can see the world. No more delusion. I have a fire of passion.
 
Did it again...and I'm furious

Maybe I'm just deflecting responsibility for this, but I've never had as much hatred for needle exchange programs as much as I have right now. When I was looking to score on Friday, one of my fellow junkies motioned for me to follow her. I thought she was leading me to one of the people who usually sells dope, but it was people from the local needle exchange handing out kits. I didn't know they handed out more than just needles. Needless to say, I got all excited getting all of this "cool new gear". Whether it be gaming, music, or even toys as a little kid, I get excited when I acquire any related gear. So I went nuts this weekend, using what the social workers or whatever the hell they were gave me. I got ripped off for $35 in the process over two days, and missed work yesterday because I shot up way too much dope and had to call out. Today, even though I got back on my suboxone and had no PWs, I felt rotten even though it took my chills away. Moody, achey, sluggish, etc. I was so glad to get home from work tonight. Took another sub, and plan to talk to the people at the clinic about increasing my dosage. I don't want to trouble my parents with it, but they might figure it out.
God, tomorrow, I'm gonna take that gear and stomp on it as hard as I can before I throw it away. I'm sure there's good reasons for the existence of needle exchange programs, but right now, I hate how one brush with them triggered a huge binge that cleaned out my paycheck for the week and caused me to miss work. I know it's ultimately my responsibility, but I just hate that program so much...I wish a plane would nuke that place and the slums surrounding it.
 
What could be most important is for you to accept what happened and not allow the wasted money or missed work to cloud your mindset. Perhaps instead of dwelling on it in a depressed or angry manner you should do your best to learn from the experience. You will make the money back quickly, and hopefully you will decrease your usage as much as possible to minimize the negative impact it is having on your mind and body.

Having a positive goal and being determined will allow you to become healthier and financially stable. Yet, the only way to prevent another similar incident is for you to strengthen your will power in order to arrange your priorities.
 
^ Exactly sound advice! OP there will be times where you will have setbacks but it is on your will power that will bring you to success. Charge to experience OP now get back to baseline! ;)
 
I think you're really angry with yourself and the fact that you had taken a bit too much causing you to miss work. Of course the needle exchange is going to be triggering but their purpose is to help. You didn't really ask for advice but the only thing I can suggest is try to stay on suboxone and go to meetings if you have to. The subs aren't going to help you much when you keep going back to heroin.
 
What the fuck is wrong with the god damn government healthcare website.. jezzzusss christ.. why does every god damn thing in life have to be the biggest pain in the ass.. fucken judes priest and and it seems like the whole world is one giant ass clown party.. assclowns to the right, ass clowns to the left.. cant escape from them ever.. I dont even know why I try.. if everyone else is an assclown then I must be one too

now the coffee maker shit the bed and I am all out of monsters.. my drs appointment isn't until three but the damn reminder message said nine am and i wanted to slap the receptionist for being a smug little pert you know what fuck today.
 
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T. Calderone said:
I think you're really angry with yourself and the fact that you had taken a bit too much causing you to miss work. Of course the needle exchange is going to be triggering but their purpose is to help. You didn't really ask for advice but the only thing I can suggest is try to stay on suboxone and go to meetings if you have to. The subs aren't going to help you much when you keep going back to heroin.
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Good advice. I agree. Why go to a needle exchange? Why not run in the opposite direction? Never mind, think of it as a lesson n move on. We've all made mistakes its what we do with those mistakes that count.
 
The gear made me want to use even more, just so I could use my "shiny new toys". What was going to be a couple hits turned into a weekend binge. Well, right now, my dose of subs is keeping the cravings at bay, and I'm just reminding myself that I'm 100% guaranteed to wake up tomorrow morning because there's no heroin in my system. And so ends day #2 without heroin. Tomorrow, I'll talk to the clinic people and my therapist. I'll get this worked out yet...
 
Good on ya, Nocturne. Hope it all works out well for you. You're doing the right thing in talking to your therapist. Can I ask what dose of suboxone are you on n are you sticking to the same amount everyday? That should stablise you n supress cravings. If you find that you are still craving maybe it needs increasing? But that's something for you n your doctor to decide.
Take care of you,
Evey :)
 
Ah im about to call out of work for the second day in a row...fuck I hope they dont fire me ive been calling out like once a week for the past month...its a small store only 5 employees including the owners so I guess thats why they havent fired me yet...ive been there for three years so idk. Im just freaking out dont know why I bother my whole check goes to the babysitter/transportation. My husband should be here helping me raise our toddler but noo hes locked up AGAIN. I waited years for him to come home and hes home just over a month and now this shit again..im sorry I just feel so overwhlemed and alone...
 
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