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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Oh ROXIanne! said:
It's funny how opiates have this way of finding me. I was on my way to work today when I hear someone shout my name, it turns out to be one of my old "friends" that I isolated myself from when I got clean. He offers me a ride and I figure I might as well, we havent talked in a year or two so surely he's not going to bring up drugs. WRONG, as soon as we reach my work place his pulls out a HUGE stash of my old DOC and starts talking about giving me a deal on wholesale prices. He insists on giving me his number which I promptly placed in the dumpster. I suppose God smiled upon me today as I just happened to leave my debit card at home, if I had it with me there's every chance in the world I would have hit the atm and relapsed big time. By the end of the night I was seriously considering digging through the dumpster to find dudes number. This type of shit happens about once a month. What's a recovering addict to do in a small town that's overrun with dealers and users?
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Damn i feel ya, I used to live in the puny town of anchorage AK where literally every drug user knows everyone. Youre bound to run into someone from our little underworld just goin to the store. I know this is rarely possible, but i knew the only way to get away from those influences was to move and jump state. Im not suggesting that, just agreeing with how hard it is to maintain in a small town.
 
Vaya said:
No kidding, CH... Beating the crap out of myself is all that comes to me naturally sometimes it feels like... I can definitely relate.
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It's an instinctual response from what I can tell.

Thanks for responding - I have been having a hard time with this.
 
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know wtf to do with my life. 6 years of moping around doing drugs has gotten very old yet there's nothing else that appeals to me, especially the idea of getting a job. So frustrated. What shall I do bluelight? (26, M)
 
^ just enjoy your life, one step at a time. you can get more accomplished than you think. :)
 
^great and simple advice CH

Don't finalize on the realization that there's nothing out there but drugs hun. You'll see, ;)
 
now that I have a little bit of money I have no fucking time at all to go to the gym or get anything else done, and my phone still hasnt been sent back from repair

all my teenage years wasted and now that I want to do something positive for myself theres literally no time... now we're moving house and got to move all this shit from here to there, still need to get so much stuff sorted out its crazy, also I work 10 hours a day and the driving license age is being brought up to 21 in 2014 and I haven't done mine yet, fuck all this...



...wer r de drugs?
 
I don't really know how I feel.... my grandma ended up in the hospital again today, and I just got back not too long ago from seeing her. It's so depressing to see her in so much pain and having so many problems. I just want her to get better, but I know these are the final days. She is the reason I came back to Connecticut for a little because I wanted to make sure that I saw her just in case. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. I won't be able to handle it right now. Too much is happening in such a small amount of time... I can't handle anything anymore.
 
xstayfadedx said:
I don't really know how I feel.... my grandma ended up in the hospital again today, and I just got back not too long ago from seeing her. It's so depressing to see her in so much pain and having so many problems. I just want her to get better, but I know these are the final days. She is the reason I came back to Connecticut for a little because I wanted to make sure that I saw her just in case. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. I won't be able to handle it right now. Too much is happening in such a small amount of time... I can't handle anything anymore.
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I remember when my grandma was sick in '09 (RIP). Hardest shit of my life. I'll never forget my mother crying over her in the hospital bed while she was in a coma saying "this is my mama". Fuck. I love her. I hope everything works out okay for you. <3

---

I'm fucking pissed I relapsed on opiates. I'm in withdrawal right now and my joints hurt SO FUCKING BAD. I was sober since March and fucked up. Addiction. Why me? Why can others casually use but I get addicted,? Fuck it. Fuck. It. All.
 
has anyone ever had racists bosses/what would you do if you did?

i was recently fired, for various reasons of just not being a good fit for the job obvs and just doing it bc i needed to - and not just because of that, but it sure helps, leaving a bad taste in my mouth that i witnessed what they said and didn't say anything?

i mean, like, straight up racist dumbass shit right in front of me after they saw my ASIAN boyfriend ...they made comments about a chinese couple who came in...mocking the way they talked, etc, etc.

i kind of wish it would make some sort of difference posting about it on their yelp or facebook, at the very least it would get under their skin...but what difference would it really make and they could just refute it? facebook is probably not going to happen, but i can't help but think of yelp...where they can't delete anything, right? just defend themselves? meh.

if i do it'll be in a month or so under an alias. i just dunno. racists who are of thought of as "great people" by everyone, they really gave me a sociopath american psycho vibe. my last check was also obviously short and then she took extra out for people leaving without paying their check...even though i alerted her and she said "oh they know, they'll pay" or something. really nazi youth feel about them, serious weirdness.
 
^ I think I might have.. he wasn't exactly my boss but he was a boss in another department that my boss is good friends with.

I was the only Asian in that company, this happened 5 years ago or so and I felt that most of them were just trying to be ok with me even though I feel that it was fake. There was a point where something happened, a gossip that was pointed at me (but it was actually from that boss which I found out a couple of months after I left the company) that was spread all over the office which I had nothing to do with! I left the company for a much better job and here I am, still with the company for 5 years. Nothing is ever going to be perfect but I am in a much better place with very supportive staff and a very understanding boss and I am not the only Asian this time around =D
 
Fuck it... I quit quitting. 3 days here 4 days there, I get through the physicals but the endless nervous jitters kill me. I can take the pain and shits but im struggling with the anxiety. I tried bup but the intensity the anxiety was amplified like never Failuer Failuer Failuer is all that's in my head. I probably could have made it through, but that's easy to say now that I've jacked myself up. Why do I kid myself that I can stop this. I kicked alcohol @ 26 coke @ 30 layed down cigs at 36 but this one is going to take me to the grave and really the sooner the better. I know statements like this are nothing but self pitty. Sad isn't it. Im sorry for waisting people's time.

NSA edit: moved this post here as i thought its were it wanted to live.
 
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I want to cry right now but I can't muster up the energy to do that.

So, it's been almost two months since I've touched Heroin. I've been really good with my drug use. Last time I touched a "hard" drug was over an entire month ago, when I binged on Mxe.

The other day, my friend tells me he may have found a new connect for H. Me, having just lost my only connect a month or so ago, decided to give it a try. So, I went with him to meet the guy, threw him 50. The guy had me try out two lines before hand. Initially, it didn't taste like anything. In fact, it just reminded me of really tasteless powder. Me not wanting to be a dick, said it seemed like good stuff and decided to go for it (Really I didn't give a shit, I just wanted some Heroin).

So, he tells me and my friend to wait outside. This, right here, should have been a sign for me to be like "Nah, your selling me something that I'm going to put up my nose, I want to witness you bag it up" but I didn't, out of respect. Should have stood my ground though.

So, we wait outside. He hands me a wrapped up bag (No baggies) and we dipped since it was a hot neighborhood, didn't wanna be standing around with what I thought was Heroin.

I try some. Tastes weird. Okay I though, could be anything. So I try another line and wait 15 - 20 minutes. I feel nothing.

So, I find a place to take a better look at what I was sold. It's fucking baking soda!

I feel like the biggest fucking putz. I JUST WANTED SOME FUCKING HEROIN!

My back is KILLING me! My anxiety is through the roof. I can't even buy bud now cause I'm broke! Yeah yeah, shouldn't have spent my money on dope. I don't need to hear that shit. I just want some fucking drugs to block out this emotional and now physical pain I experience every damn day. I want to cry right now, and I'm finally mustering up the energy to be able to.

Part of me just wants to sink into addiction and die. I want to find a junkie girl and fall horribly in love with her and start shooting up and just become a nothing, cause that's basically how I feel now, minus the love. I'm a nothing. A drug user, a drug addict without an addiction, just a mental fucking desire to constantly escape.

This world is too fucked up for me. Need something to numb the pain. I.fucking.hate.my.life.
 
Its only a few more weeks until I move and then I will be happy when I make new friends that don't screw me over or talk shit behind my back.

This is gonna be one of the last friday nights I spend by myself... :(
 
Aw afterstyle hugs <3

Well we are your friends even if it's just online so count us in as friends :)
 
just broke my fufking 360 controller and im about to rip my head off headbanging
 
Thanks Maya like legit I'm really glad this website was invented, over the last few months its kept me sane and kept me in contact with other people in the outside world that didn't screw me over haha. It really has kept me together. Its been a terrific outlet when I feel like no one else in the world will listen/care to my problems, even though I don't expect people to read what I type when it comes to these things it is just so mentally relieving to at least type it out and put it into words and half get it off my chest... Its just been such a great help.

And everyone around here is terrific and just so nice and I know they're all in the same struggle that I'm in, just trying to do good, not get screwed over, bring a bit more happiness in the world and just make the world a lovelier place to live. I like engaging with people on here because a lot of them are like-minded and just really nice, when I log in to bluelight it just feels like no one hates me, just for a few hours, and sometimes people actually value my input and it makes me feel like I'm appreciated as a person. Like my thoughts actually matter to someone.

Usually I can keep everything together sweet but I know 100% these thoughts are just passing and everything is gonna be infinitely times better when I am not in this part of the country.

This is gonna be the last saturday I spend alone here too...

I was lying down patting my dog tonight, ironic how in Australia our dog is our best friend yet when someone wrongs us we call them a dog. Over the last few weeks I've gotten real emotional about my dog, I've had him since I was 12 and I'm about to move... of course I'll fly down and see him but he's only got a few years left in him and he's the only dog I've ever had. I'm gonna miss him very much, he has got so much character so I'm making the best of my time with him. He's asleep on my bed. He's not supposed to be on the bed usually but this is okay ;)


Everythings gonna be okay....... I might be opening a clothing store next year so that will be cool I spent all tonight looking up designs/costs and everything it looks like it could realistically happen and the cool thing is it will be 100% legal because its just clothes!! :) And clothes in Australia are so expensive, but I was looking at all the costs and everything will be cheap, savings will be passed onto the customers so they aren't paying ridiculous prices and all the 18-25 year olds that go clubbing will honestly have some of the freshest and most stylish stuff to go out and wear, so everything is gonna be A OKAY EVERYTHING UNTIL THEN IS JUST A WAITING GAME :) :) :)
 
I really, REALLY want my ex to go and fuck himself repeatedly. I only hate ONE person, and he's it. Fucking Christ. He hurt me more than any human being on this fucking planet.
 
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